#jmasch

[tethrah]

burn them off of me this isn’t who i am, not anymore, not you

fingertips, haiku #62 (igai-sei)

[tethrah]

prosopagnosia II

i don't recognize faces so when i saw you for the first time i thought you might be someone else someone whose teeth gnash in glee when i cry, whose nails dig and make me bleed apologies for things i didn't do you turned out to be a whole different kind of monster.

i don’t recognize faces, so when you grabbed my hand like it meant nothing (because it was nothing) i thought that this was something beautiful, something new, all mine and it was only for that moment, that i saw how it could seem like nothing, because it was nothing, at least to you

[tethrah]

prosopagnosia

i don’t recognize faces

i couldn’t tell if the man who 

took me home last night was you

or someone else entirely

but i thought that i recognized you,

felt you in the way he gripped me

a little too tightly for comfort

i don’t recognize faces

it started when i was barely more

than a child, barely a person

and you struck for the first time

lesions in my occipital lobe,

a handicap that i underestimated,

thinking that at least i knew

who, exactly, you were

i don’t recognize faces

and it had been so long the second time, ages

since i heard your voice

i forgot you, but my body did not.

by the time you touched my heart

it was too late to avoid another

crushing blow to the skull

[tethrah]

sitting windowside, alone against the soft sky, desperate for news

waiting, haiku #61 (igai-sei)

[tethrah]

it billows out from you, a dark cloud telling me i’m not what you want

sigh, haiku #63 ( @igai-sei )

[tethrah]

my lovely flower bloom, stiffened by unforgiving winds and sun blisters

spring, haiku #60 (igai-sei)

[tethrah]

i.  she laid out my choices in front of me, a loaf of bread and a sharp kitchen knife on the blanket before us. the cool spring air caressed my bare shoulders as the blades of grass tickled my feet. choose one, she said. i didn’t understand. why can’t i have both? she shook her head. silly girl, she whispered, and in her voice i heard every mocking laugh ever thrown my way. life never lets you have both. i took the knife and pointed it at her until she gave me the bread as well. if peace was not an option for a girl like me, then i would go to war. 

ii.  i had been wandering for a while, surviving off the bread i had been given, refusing to take more than what was offered to me through fair means. i could survive a while this way, i thought. then, i met the deer. he was fragile in his own way. he looked every bit the strong, masculine buck he was meant to be, all ornate antlers and powerful legs. a closer look, however, revealed the blood staining his russet coat. are you hungry? this bread was all i had to offer. he looked at me with his inscrutable gaze. i offered him the bread. all or nothing, i thought. i’ll find something to tide me over. the deer finished it quickly as my stomach began to growl. the blood on his coat began to dissipate, and he stood up on shaky newborn legs. quietly, i watched him turn back to the forest before looking at me one last time. he stepped closer to me and nudged my arm. i felt vitality rush through my body, and a basket of fruit appeared in my hand. he limped away, not quite recovered, but i had done what i could. 

iii. 

do you even know what you ask for? the druid said, standing over my battered form, my knife long discarded and made useless by the man’s servants. you have proven that you have merit, and no person with merit should be denied a companion, but why do you ask for options? one should call to you, he said. don’t be greedy.  i looked at the forms just behind the druid, the shape of my deer boy and a brighter, more colorful fey girl encased in glass. they both call to me, i replied. capricious girl, the druid sneered. perhaps you do not deserve any at all. my deer looked at me through the glass, his palm pressed against his heart, and i remembered his gift and called upon it. the same vitality i felt flowed through me and burst free, thick vines punching through the glass to free both the boy and the girl. i will take both, i said. not because i am greedy, but because i have love enough in my heart for both.

iv.

why must you make things difficult? she asked, poking at my curves. let me make this simple for you. either you are a warrior born of the earth or a warrior born of the flame. some decisions you simply cannot circumvent. i shrugged, the antlers on my head, a gift from my deer boy, casting shadows across her face. can’t i?  i gestured first to my antlers, then to the scorched footprints left in my wake, a worthwhile hazard that came from loving my fey girl, born of the sun. you would have me deny one of my gifts and scorn the deities that entrusted them to me.  i could not tell if the stronger emotion playing across her face was fear or anger. it is unnatural! she screeched. look at your cousin, with his antlers as wide as a tree trunk and a touch that makes the trees grow! look at your mother, whose very breath warms you to the bone and can scald those who threaten her brood. you, though, are an abomination, unfit to join either. her chest heaved with anger. who do you belong to? myself, i answered. the love that granted me these gifts. the earth. the sun. the world. but above all, myself. i turned away from her to where my lovely faeries sat, awaiting my return with bright smiles.

[tethrah]

our love was like the solar system

falling in love and then falling apart the inevitability of a broken heart he was the earth, home of everything i was a meteor, i was grasping for anything but you fall too hard and you fall too fast and eventually, everything you are is in the past and somehow, you’re left behind looking at the wreckage and somehow, you can’t believe you overlooked the message 

 don’t fucking fall in love things that fall too hard and too fast well, they break, don’t they?