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the problem with working in a somewhat niche field is you can't fucking google shit. i'm trying to set up an llc for a client and i'm having difficulty with the online system because it's having an error where it won't let me choose a reserved name and there is nothing on google for this. i don't know how to fucking word this. i can't even ask my boss for help because he only recently learned you can log out from your email account.
"Hugging your pitter pattering heart with a big ass hug sounds pretty good right now, like just grab you up and wrap you in a big, soft, warm cuddling hug that makes life so much better.. doesn't that sound nice?"
Hugging you like that is my jobby job, haha - eUë
Us. @cravehiminallways212
Sorry it's long, I could use feedback
I'm struggling guys. I can't be sure if it's pms, sobriety mood swings, or real bullshit. I am a damn good accountant. I think I'm a darn good employee. I'm sorta team player. I'm kinda drama free. But I can't figure out if my gut is telling wait and see or run like a bat outta hell. I guess I've never been in such a rapidly growing company. And staffing has definitely NOT kept up. And while I feel warm & fuzzy special because I understand a few things better than anyone else, I have to admit I have never wanted to be a leader, never wanted to be a boss, never wanted to be anything more than a kick ass accountant. This place made me assume roles I didn't want. But I think I've shown I was up to the challenge. But I want my life back. I want to not cry when I think about all the "can't"s in my job. Position. Role. Whatever. I don't know _what_ life I want back. At MAA I had a shit work life balance but it was corporate. It was controlled chaos. It was a little bit suffocating but at least I got to do most of my time in my single occupancy office with just me and my computer and my beautiful view. I told the place I am now, I told both interviewers in both interviews, that I was fleeing a high stress 50/week job and I just wanted to work a normal 40. And from 7/25/16 to 11/18/16 it was pretty tame. I did 7:30-4:30 and didn't give it another thought after I went home. Then my position changed. My focus changed. My direct boss changed. And I took it as a compliment. I mean they, like, put me in charge of the tiny bit of corporate (i.e. non ops) accounting and they told me to figure out their real estate accounting. But someone (not me) misjudged the magnitude of that directive. No one knew what I was really assuming until it was all assumed and then boy howdy was it a shit show. But I tried. I learned. I clawed the necessary info out of the contracts that crossed my screen and the contacts I developed with the lawyer & the cpa. I figured shit out for myself. I've never worked so hard to learn a job and I've never had to do it so much on my own. Independently. Reactively. Oh shit, stuff would happen and I'd have to scramble to understand it, account for it, be able to replicate it. I created my role, I showed everyone I could assume disparate responsibilities, and then use what I was learning to perform them all better. But I never wanted to lead. I never wanted to supervise. I never wanted what it has turned into. Who is to blame? Me for getting suckered in? Them for letting it happen? My (now fired) boss for leaving me to go at it alone? Hell why am I even worried about assigning blame. The point is this is happening, this is the reality of it and I enjoyed it for a while, then I fucking hated it but did it with pride, and now they tell me there's hope. All the upheavals of the last two months are supposed to lead to a new era. Can it? Am I meant to be part of their new reality? I honestly can't say. That's not even thinking about I truly want to be part of it. I'm stuck on should I be? Could I be? For the last six months I have been counting down the actual number of days until I hit my 1 year anniversary. With an app. Every. Fucking. Day. And I have told coworkers i was doing it. Because again I don't want to hide things. I don't want to give false impressions. But oh please just let me make it 365 days. Because I gotta survive a year or my resume will look shitty. I gotta make it so that Robert Half Finance can place me somewhere else. Not that it'd look great with two exactly one year long stints back to back. New employers probably won't like to think I'll wimp out in just 12 months if it's too hard. But this is too hard. And it's not the money. It's not the benefits. If I got a raise yeah it'd be cool but it wouldn't make it better. It wouldn't make it possible to do all the stuff that's been put on me. If I can't get this shit done believe me when I say no one could. I'm bright. I'm quick. I can think and problem solve and decide and act. It's not that I'm not up to this job. It's that it's truly impossible. But I doubt. I fear. I think maybe I'm a dummy for being so vocal and clear with my (constantly changing) bosses that I am not on top of stuff. But I don't want ANYONE to assume I'm on top of things just because I keep shit from imploding on a daily basis. I am only barely getting by. And I don't have it in me to rise above the work and do the planning and the strategizing. That's not what I want to do and it's not what I'm good at. I know myself, I know my strengths, I know some of my weaknesses (I'm sure there are plenty of weakness I ignore in myself). If I know these things, these pros and cons of Cara, then does staying in a suboptimal position really benefit anyone? I sometimes think at least I'm learning weird new stuff and I'm outside my comfort zone. But I am used to being an accountant. I'm used to doing, improving, refining. I am NOT used to making it up as I go and flying by the seat of my pants. I don't like the thrill or the unpredictability. I need advice. I need counseling from my Tumblrtopians. I need to know what you think because I've done all the thinking I can. It's time to shit or get off the pot (I think). What say you? I am begging for honesty and insight here. I won't hold you to it. I won't make you responsible. But I need to think this shit through. I need help. I can't fucking by do this alone.
Had a new boss start today. Yesterday the old boss was let go. Things. They are a'changing.
