Super Average
Ever read comics when you were a kid and wonder if Superman got tired of saving? Me neither- kids have more important things to worry about like which Power Ranger they're going to be at recess- but as adults we need to start putting these infallible characters under some scrutiny. Not because they can lift cars and throw them through people's faces. What I'm wondering is if they can run faster than bullets, why aren't they dodging their problems and responsibilities with a scary success rate? What up with that?
Often superheroes start their crime stopping careers with "the choice." Do I live a normal life or devote myself tirelessly to Joe and Janine Plumber? Of course, if a biopic is to be made about Super ________, they must chose the latter. As a viewer- I'm going to say viewer because saying you read comics is like saying you read the "Rocky" Trilogy when, in reality, you watched it with subtitles because Stallone mumbles like a strung-out heroin addict- we need to see the hero make that choice or we get mad that they're wasting a gift. Look at athlete-hero Jermichael Finley who squanders his God given talent almost every Sunday by dropping the fucking ball every other opportunity he gets (yeah I'm still bitter, Packers). OK, so whatever, they've made the right decision. The part I struggle with is this. I've made the right choice at a number of junctures in my life, but man is it hard to stick with it every single day. I have to imagine there are times when a fully costumed Batman sees The Riddler walking away from a bank, money bags in hand, and just lets him go. I mean, picture Wayne walking to Starbucks at 6am jonesing for a coffee with a shot of espresso after a night of brutally exhausting Joker bashing and The Riddler bobbles up with a shit-eating grin. Nine times out of ten, Batman gives him what for, but that one time I bet they just make eye contact and slowly and silently inch past each other. That's the stuff I need to see.
Alright, so we have this infatuating type-A workaholic ... who's never an asshole? I'm just not totally buying it. I want to see the episode where The X-Men finally have a day off and go to a Yankees game. They want to have a lazy day in the sun, but this ump is really having an off-day. Some drunken fan is getting pretty rowdy in the bleachers nearby and keeps spilling his beer everywhere. The super team has to hold back Wolverine as he's prone to violence, but he keeps his cool and the game continues without incidence. Two innings later "that piece-of-shit ump who better get his head out of his bleep hole," as the rowdy fan keeps referencing him, calls Jeter out at first (when it was clearly a tie) and the crowd goes wild. How much longer do our X-Men let the game go on without interfering? One inning as it turns it out. During the seventh inning stretch, the usually reasonable and human-loving Professor Xavier takes control of the whole visiting dugout- The Toronto Blue Jays on this fateful Saturday afternoon- and makes them sing "Oh Canada" to get the crowd riled up. Meanwhile, Gambit starts whipping cards at a baby and Storm beckons a monsoon. Before long, The Beast and Wolverine are wailing on that drunk guy from before and Cyclops is crying because he just wanted to have a good time. This is the kind of entertainment I'm talking about. Real people with big powers.
Let's just say that we've found this superhero who's always going to stick to his oath without ever taking it out on an innocent "regular." They would necessarily have to be the most conceited person you could ever bump into. I want a superhero who isn't afraid to be that guy. For instance, Spider Man is doing a press conference at the Hilton on Times Square and this uppity reporter asks him why he's only active in the city limits of NYC. I want to see him politely answer "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I just heard nobody ask me a question. Who did you save this week Mr. Nobody? No one? OK. Well to answer your question, time constraints I guess. Ass." Zing! Now that's my kind of hero.
I guess I'm just being cynical. There are tons of superheroes out there with a flaw or two. I think what I'm really getting at is I want to see someone write a comic about me being a superhero. And I want it to be better than "Hancock."
