A/N: This is a little one-shot I did for @justagalwhowrites Joel Miller’s birthday celebration writing challenge! I had so much fun with this one and love it so much. I hope you enjoy! This one is all in Joel’s POV 🩵
Summary: Joel spends his birthday sulking on the porch, regretting the mistakes of his past. Just when he thinks he’ll spend his birthday alone, you come around and turn his cloudy skies into sunshine.
Rating: 18+ only
Word Count: 3.6k
Tags: Lots of angst, Joel’s POV, Jackson! Joel, losing Ellie, regrets, no use y/n, fluff, yearning, angst/comfort, lots of feelings, Joel’s birthday, age gap (Joel is 54, reader is 30)
Dividers by @saradika-graphics
The wooden rocking chair creaks like a rundown, abandoned building, making the old floorboards of the porch groan beneath him with every shaky breath he takes. The acoustic guitar feels like a heavy anchor in his arms as he thinks about those long afternoons when he’d teach Ellie how to play songs of his past. Now, it feels like sawdust under his calloused fingertips. Brittle and old. Just like he is.
September twenty-sixth. The day he can’t fucking stand anymore. The day he was brought into this unapologetic world, not realizing he’d lose himself along the way.
Birthdays were supposed to be spent with loved ones. A celebration of life. But what does he have to celebrate anymore? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He doesn’t have anyone anymore. He’s just… alone.
Sarah is gone, dead. And Ellie… she wasn’t coming back. Not to his house, his doorstep. No. She’d just stay away like the plague.
Fifty-four-years-old. Just one step closer to being six feet underground. He wishes he was already dead because that’s how he feels. Hollow, broken, lonely.
God, he’s so fucking lonely. Ever since Ellie found out about the fireflies. About what he did…
She hates his guts, hates the way he lied straight to her face for months, hates the reason he did it. She thinks he’s selfish and feels like she was used. But really, he only looks at it one way.
He saved her… And he’d do it a thousand times over if he had the choice. To lose another daughter. Well… he just couldn’t. So, he did the selfish thing and got her out of that hospital. Because if he lost her, he’d surely lose himself.
But he already lost her. Lost himself, too. So why does any of this even matter? It’s useless. He’s useless.
He strums along to the melancholy tune, the frail strings sliding along calloused skin, echoing the quiet melody back into the cool autumn breeze of Jackson. Maybe Ellie would hear it, come running back with tears staining her hazel eyes, apologize for moving out and screaming at him to stay away. But she was the one that stayed away. He never wanted to…
He just strums along and keeps playing. The song that he had written just for her. A song she probably hears in her nightmares now. Maybe it’d bring her back…
He gets lost in the music, greying curls tousled by the wind, his green flannel clinging to his flexed biceps, broken military watch glistening in the dying orange sky. Just when he starts to get drowned out by the screaming voices in his head, a soft, lilty voice pulls him from the darkness.
“Hey.”
His head snaps up and his calloused fingers still from the sudden intrusion. When he sees who it is, he freezes in place. His jaw locked, eyes wide, teeth clenched together. It’s you. The pretty bartender who caught his eye the moment he stepped into Tipsy Bison that first he arrived in Jackson.
There you are. Hair blowing gently in the brisk breeze, doe eyes locked on his, a half-smile curled against your glossy red lips. Jesus. You’re even more beautiful with the orange sun shining down on you, casting halos over the crown of your head.
You’re absolutely breathtaking.
“Haven’t seen you around Tipsy Bison lately. Was wondering where you’ve been.” You look at him intently, questions spiraling in those pretty shades of moonlit eyes.
“Been a little busy, I guess,” he mumbles, keeping his fingers locked tight around the neck of the guitar.
“Got your whiskey waiting for you behind the bar. Been saving it just for you,” you smile sweetly, nearly making him drop to his knees at the sight.
“Thanks, darlin’. You don’t gotta do that, though. Might as well jus’ give it to someone else,” he sighs, eyes dropping to his denim-clad lap. It’s been a while since he went and drowned his sorrows at the bar. He’d rather just do it in the comfort of his own home. A home that was empty now except for him.
“You okay?” you ask, voice leery as your eyebrows thread together in worry.
“’m fine,” he states lowly, eyes hollow and weathered from the pain he wears like weights under his eyes day after day. He’s not fine. He’s far from fine.
When’s the last time someone asked if he was fine? He can’t even remember.
“You don’t sound fine. You look… sad.” Your voice is quiet, subdued, and your eyes look like clouded skies with hurricanes and thunderstorms brewing ominously. You look just as sad as he feels.
You’re so empathetic and tuned into other people’s feelings. He wishes you’d stop that. Stop looking at him like he deserves to not feel like that. But again, It’s hard to look away when a beautiful girl who’s kind, caring, and all around good is standing right in front of him, asking him if he’s alright.
“Reckon I am sad,” he finally mutters, eyes cast down to the fading paint of the wooden boards on the porch. But then he looks up again, and there you are. Beautiful eyes swallowing him whole.
“You want to talk about it?” You lean against the stairwell on the porch, eyes boring into his, arms crossed over your soft blue jacket.
He shakes his head and sighs. “Darlin’, I really don’t think you wanna sit here and listen to an old man talk ‘bout how he’s feelin’.”
You shift your weight and flex your jaw, like he just punched you right in the gut. Fuck. He’s already ruining everything, but what you say next surprises him. “I’ve got time.”
He stares at you a moment, feeling like he just got struck by lightning. You want to stay and listen? You’ve got time?
“Why don’t you take a seat then? I don’t wanna bore you with my problems. And God forbid I waste more of your time,” he murmurs.
You shuffle your way up the steps and sit slowly into the wooden rocking chair next to him. The one he crafted by hand. “Like I said, I’ve got time. I’m listening.” You smile softly at him, and he can’t help but to memorize the outline of your pretty face. Your deep dimples that appear whenever you’re grinning, your light freckles scattered across your nose. The ones you get from sitting out in the sun for too long. You always did love the sunlight. That’s something he picked up on quickly.
He’s watched you for so long from a distance. Only really saying hi if he was stopping by the Tipsy Bison for a drink, maybe waving at you when you walked past him on the street, the casual back and forth glances the two of you would exchange every once in a while.
He’s shy, reserved, an introverted man that likes his space. But he’d have no problem sharing his space with you. Especially when you wear that flowery lavender scent that magnetizes him to you.
After a moment of comfortable silence, he huffs out a heavy breath and begins. “Look, I’m not the best at talkin’. Especially ‘bout how I’m feelin’. But let’s make this short ‘n sweet. I know you got better places to be.”
You lean back into the slant of the chair and rest your arm on the smooth armrest, smiling over at him with your sweet demeanor. “I don’t have anywhere to be, Joel. So take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
He sets his guitar down and leans it against the edge of the porch, carefully scooting back into the worn chair. His thumb taps nervously against the armrest, but you just stay quiet and keep your eyes on him. It helps him breathe a little easier, he thinks.
Taking his time chewing over the words, he finally spills them. “I’ve made some stupid mistakes in the past that I can’t fix. No matter what I do, nothin’ is gonna change what happened.”
You knit your eyebrows together like you’re mulling it over, guessing what he could be talking about. The way you bite your bottom lip and flick your eyes between the open mailbox that says Miller’s and back his way says you do know. “Are you talking about Ellie?” you ask hesitantly.
“How did you know…”
You shrug and push a piece of fallen hair behind the slope of your ear. He wishes he could be the one doing that. “This town is small, Joel. I notice things. It’s not a secret Ellie moved in with Dina.”
He sighs deeply and pushes his fingers back through his slick hair, letting the tousled curls fall back into place. “Guess gossip gets ‘round fast here. Shit.” He lets his head hang low, cursing under his breath when he thinks about the way Ellie stormed off that day. She said she never wanted to speak to him again, and it hurt just as much as Sarah’s death.
Your voice jolts him out of those dark thoughts. “Have you talked to her lately?”
He clenches his jaw and shakes his head defeatedly, tears lining the back of his eyes as pain radiates down his spine. “It’s been over two months. She can’t even stand to look me in the eyes. Fuckin’ hates me, and it’s all my fault.”
And there you go again. Looking at him like a lost puppy with those big doe eyes of yours. You make him so soft. Nobody else can do that. Not since Tess.
“I don’t think she hates you.”
You place your dainty hand on the back of his for a few seconds. Warmth shoots through his skin, races down his bloodstream, nearly chokes him up when you retrieve it and place it back in your lap. In just those few seconds, he felt what it would be like if you were his. But that couldn’t happen. You’re far too young for him, a twenty-four year age gap, fresh out of your twenties. Just now thirty. You’re too pretty, too out of his league, too good.
You’re just too good for him. He’d never deserve a woman like you. Not after everything he’s done.
I don’t think she hates you. The words permeate and sizzle deep in his brain.
“No? Well, sweetheart, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that jus’ ain’t the case,” he scoffs, kicking the heel of his worn boot into the porch to get his point across.
You twist your fingers together nervously and look up at him, sparkling eyes shining like starlight. “You know she asks about you, right?”
His mouth gawks open, and he stares wonderstruck at you. “What?” He can’t believe his ears. “She… asks ‘bout me?”
A faint smile lifts over your red lips. “Yeah. She sometimes comes up to me at the bar and asks if you’ve been in recently or if I’ve talked to you lately. She wonders about you, Joel.”
His mouth feels like sandpaper, throat dry and closed up. Maybe the dry air will suffocate him before he gets his hopes up. “Why would she do that…”
You shrug and give him a tight-lipped smile. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two. And it’s not my business to ask, but I don’t think she’ll stay away forever, Joel. No matter what you did or how bad you think it is, she’ll come around. I know she will.”
His grip tightens against the armrest, nails digging like claws into the rustic wood. “I dunno. She really stuck it to me to leave her alone. Don’t think she wants me ‘round anymore. S’why I stayed away. She’ll never forgive me…” His voice is strained, sad, choked up like he forgot how to breathe. He wishes she’d forgive him. Just one word from her. That’s all he wants.
“Give her time, Joel. I know she will,” you say encouragingly as the wind laces through your silky hair, blowing it just enough for him to see the pretty blush painting your cheeks pink.
You’re so fucking beautiful.
His deep bravado voice drops an octave as he looks up through glassy eyes at the sunshine of a woman sitting before him. “How do you know?” he asks quietly.
You just shrug and smile. “I just know, okay?”
“Mmm.” Sitting back in his rocking chair, he thinks and thinks over your encouraging words, analyzing them like tiny jigsaw pieces. A puzzle that just can’t be put together. You never were the type to linger on sadness. Never seemed to let a rainy day cloud your joy. You were always so carefree, always bringing rainbows after destructive thunderstorms. Always just there.
Slowly, steadily, your fingers curl around his dark green flannel, hooking underneath his bicep. And your eyes, like a warm summer’s day, shine brighter than he’s ever seen them shine before. Just like shimmering sparkles under a starlit sky. Embers and all. “Hope is like a migrating butterfly. It spreads its long wings and takes off in the morning sky. The butterfly may not return to the same place for quite some time, but it always seems to come back to the place it came from. Eventually, it returns home. She’ll come back, Joel. Ellie will come home.”
His eyes cloud over, foggy from the tears building in his dark brown irises. And when one slips free and slides down his cheek, falling like a raindrop and landing on top of your hand, you don’t pull away. You stay. No one else had stayed. But here you are, smiling up at him like he’s the center of your gravity. Like he’s worth something to you.
And then something happens. Something he hasn’t done in so long. He smiles. He smiles at the pretty girl that turned his entire birthday upside down. He smiles because you stayed when no one else did.
You stayed.
“Think you jus’ might’ve struck some hope inside me after that speech, darlin’,” he drawls, brown eyes sparkling into yours.
“Glad I could be of service,” you giggle, your hand brushing over the fabric of his soft flannel. And there you go. Giving him that breathtaking smile. He wishes you’d never leave.
“Look at you. Ruinin’ my plans of sulkin’ for the rest of the evenin’.”
You tilt your head and give him that look. A look like you want to drown out all his sorrows. “Why are you sulking in the first place?”
Sighing loudly, he rakes a hand slowly down his patchy beard and stares out into the void of the green and yellow leaves littering the ground. “‘Cause it’s my birthday. And I got nothin’ to celebrate.”
You sit forward in your seat, drawing your hand back to your lap and staring all wide-eyed at him like you just can’t believe he’d be alone. “It’s your birthday?”
“Mhm,” he hums, feeling the excruciating pain of losing Ellie all over again.
“What are you doing spending it alone, then?” you whisper, heartbreaking eyes tearing his soul in two.
He pushes a hand painfully slow through his windblown curls and takes a deep breath as he thinks of that stupid fight he and Tommy got in. “Me and Tommy had a fight the other day. Reckon he doesn't wanna see me for a few more days after that. Maria’s on Tommy’s side. And Ellie… well. You know. Needless to say, I got no one to celebrate with.”
Silence permeates through the cool air, a deafening noise that rings through his ears. He wishes you’d say something, anything. Break the lull that hangs like a thick, impenetrable wall in the sky. Maybe you too are having second thoughts of being here alone with him in his suffering.
“Can you just… wait here for a few minutes?” you ask, pushing yourself up and hanging over the thresholds of his rickety porch.
He takes a minute to digest your words, thinking you won’t come back. “I suppose. Not goin’ anywhere. Why?” he asks hesitantly, his voice hoarse from the thought of you disappearing too.
“Just wait here. There’s something I forgot,” you plea, your pretty smile telling him you’ll be back.
Before you take a step off the porch, he stops you. “You don’t have to, you know. Come back, I mean.”
You give him a small smile, your hair blowing softly in the wind, tangling around your beautiful face. An angel cast in shadows from the purple and pink painted sunlit skies. “Nobody deserves to be alone on their birthday, Joel. Not even you,” you say in a soft, lilty voice.
You hang there a second, just watching each other. Waiting for something, but he doesn’t know what. And eventually, you take that step off the porch. “Be right back! Just wait here,” you shout, running off into the sunset.
“Alright,” he whispers, watching you go. And then you disappear down the street, practically sprinting back to your house or back to the bar. He doesn’t know. All he knows is that he hopes you come back.
Please, come back.
He fidgets in his chair, trying his best not to pull out the greys from his tousled curls. His chest feels tight, like his button-up shirt is stifling the chilly air all around him. He feels choked up, like something is lodged deep in his throat. Feels like he drank too much whiskey, palms sweating against his jeans.
Lord knows he shouldn’t feel like this. Shouldn’t act like this means anything. But what if it does? What if this is everything he’s waited for? He shouldn’t yearn for you, shouldn’t pine mindlessly for the pretty bartender that’s way too young for him to be falling for. But he fell head over heels the first moment you said hi to him in the bar. Your smooth fingertips brushing against his when you passed him a glass of whiskey. It felt like fire smothering his insides, igniting dangerous feelings that he should’ve never developed in the first place.
He shouldn’t have fallen for you, but he did. And now, he was wrecked.
You come walking back just minutes later, your hands behind your back, something hidden behind your jacket. And when you make your way back up to the porch, you hold out a single muffin with a blue birthday candle placed right in the center.
“What’s this?” he asks, eyes wide as you place it in the palm of his hand.
“A blueberry muffin. I just made them this morning. I hope you like blueberries. It’s not much, but it was made with love and care. So here, something sweet that I hope will brighten up your day.”
He stares in awe at the fluffy muffin, blueberries scattered around the pastry. His eyes mist over, tears licking at the edges, threatening to spill at any moment. He’s not used to this kind of treatment. Someone being nice, thoughtful, acting like he’s special.
He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve you.
“Th—thank you…” he chokes out, holding back tears.
“Happy birthday, Joel,” you smile, lighting the candle and making shadows cast over his palm from the flame. “Make a wish.”
“Think it already came true…” he whispers.
Your eyes meet, tension thick in the air, smiles bouncing off each other's mouths. And when he blows out the flame, you give him a quick, fleeting kiss to the cheek. A kiss that’ll surely never wash off his skin. It’ll stick like permanent ink until his mouth hangs over yours.
“You’re a sweet little thing, ain’t ya?” he asks, his skin tinged red from the blush you’ve painted over his tanned skin.
“Sweeter than a shaker of sugar?” you giggle out. A laugh that sounds like music to his ears.
“Sweeter than sugar, darlin’,” he confirms with a wide grin.
His hand finds yours, lacing his fingers through until your warmth is mixing with his. And as the sun goes down, stars igniting the sky in glitter, you lean your head on his shoulder while you tell him stories of your past. He could listen to you all night. He thinks he could listen to you forever.
You stay there until midnight, fingers entwined together, his hand pushing a strand of hair behind the shell of your ear, memorizing your perfect smile and dazzling eyes. And just before you go, he pulls you in for a kiss. A kiss that could make the entire world stop. Because in that moment, on your soft lips, he thinks he found heaven.
Just as you turn to go, a figure emerges from the dark shadows, leaving him breathless and dumbstruck from the sight. He rubs his eyes, figuring he’s seeing things. Maybe the sleepless nights have finally got to him. But your encouraging smile says it’s real.
“Joel, look. She came back,” you smile, eyes glossy just like his are now.
She hesitates out in the road, jaw locked and eyes watery. Those big hazel eyes haven’t changed a bit.
Ellie. She came back. She’s here…
And just like a butterfly, she spreads her wings and waves, mouthing happy birthday as she lingers by the open mailbox. But that’s enough. That’s one step to fixing a promise he broke.
“Ellie,” he calls, voice cracking as tears drop down his face.
“Joel,” she nods, giving him a half-smile. “Can I… can I come in?” she asks hesitantly.
“‘Course you can, kiddo.”
And it’s then, right at that moment, where everything fell back into place. Right when she stepped back into his life. He has a feeling you had something to do with it, but he’ll thank you for that later. Maybe tomorrow when he stops by your house and asks for some more blueberry muffins.
Today will go down in history as one of his favorites because he got the girl, and Ellie came back home. He got his birthday wish after all.
Four Months | Joel Miller X Wedding Planner F!Reader
authors note: after forever of waiting, here's part five of love is in the air!
part five of love is in the air!
love is in the air masterlist here
summary: It’s been four months since you and Joel have seen each other and it’s been a living hell for the both of you. All you can think about is Joel, and all he can think about is you. But one night, Joel finally gets the courage to call you up.
warnings/tags: 18+, no use of y/n, no outbreak au, big infidelity, age gap (24 and 46), language, time skips, pov switching, a scene where Joel is described having sex with another woman, unprotected piv, guilty joel, reader going on a date with another man, mentions of alcohol, mentions of masturbation, nicknames (darling, sweetheart, baby, baby girl), semi-public sex (fingering), fingering, angst
word count: 8.5k
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One month.
It’s been one month since you’ve seen Joel, since you’ve heard him declare his vows to Jenna. Ever since the wedding, the two of you never had any sort of contact.
You haven’t reached out to him. You knew that it would hurt you too much, knowing that you couldn’t have him. He wasn’t yours. He was now officially, by law, Jenna’s. You at least hoped that she knew how lucky she was.
And Joel hasn’t contacted you either. You didn’t blame him. He had a wife now that he needed to put all of his focus into, even if that did hurt you.
But not one night went by where Joel didn’t cross your mind. And tonight was no exception.
You sat in your empty living room, listening to the sound of the fireplace crack with a glass of red wine in your hand. It was your well needed second glass of the night.
It’s been exactly one month since you needed to give Joel up, and you didn’t think that it would be as hard as it’s been. It pained you even more to think about how they were probably celebrating their one month anniversary as newly weds with their own glasses of wine, snuggling up in bed, ending the night in pleasure…
You squeezed your eyes shut and took a large swig from your wine glass at the thought. You couldn’t be thinking like that. You shouldn’t be. He’s been out of your life for a while now. It shouldn’t matter what he was doing on his own anniversary. You two now had your own separate lives.
But you wished it was that easy to forget. It was near damn impossible.
Taking a deep breath, you slowly pulled your phone out of your pocket. The only notifications you had were a text message from your mother and another from your friend. Nothing from Joel, as usual.
You weren’t sure why you checked anymore. There was always that little spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, he would miraculously give you a call or send out a text. But ten times out of ten, that wasn’t the case. It was pointless checking, but there was a part of you that couldn’t stop. You didn’t want to give up hope, even though you probably should have a long time ago.
With a sigh, you took the final sip of your wine and set down the empty glass, your eyes still glued to your phone.
Hesitantly, you pulled up your contacts and scrolled until you found Joel’s. There was no rule that he had to be the first one to contact you. You were always allowed to contact him first. The only thing stopping you was knowing that he had a wife at home.
Maybe Joel would surprise you and answer the call after the first or second ring. But, it was more likely that he would let the phone ring and have it go to voicemail.
Your thumb hovered over the call button, staring at his contact while debating with yourself in your mind. There were many reasons why you shouldn’t press that button, and there weren’t many reasons why you should. Every one of those reasons why you should have been selfish was just because of how much you missed Joel.
You hated that you missed every damn thing about him. His broad southern accent, his mesmerizing brown eyes, his warm flannels, the way he would hold you, kiss you, the overall way he made you feel warm and tingly inside. He made you feel like a lovestruck teenager.
You want to call him up more than anything. But as you debated with yourself over and over again, you hesitantly made the decision to put the phone down. Even if he did answer, he wasn’t going to tell you what you wanted to hear; that he got divorced after just one month of marriage and wanted you to move in with him instead. At the end of the day, calling him would just bring you more hurt and sorrow.
Rubbing your eyes, you sat up on the couch and put out the fire, heading to bed.
┉┉┉
“Fuck, Joel, honey.” Jenna moaned out loudly and squeezed her eyes shut, holding onto her husband's bare shoulders tightly.
Joel hummed quietly when he heard her, thrusting in and out of her, repeating the same mundane actions. In, out, in, out. He wasn’t making love or having sex. He was just going through the motions.
Two months. Two months since he’s last seen you. And not a damn day goes by where you’re not stuck on his mind. Not one night where he doesn’t wish he was snuggling up to you, falling asleep instead of Jenna. Two long fucking months.
He’s wanted to call you. He really has. But every time he dares to pick up the phone, he chickens out and turns it off.
You were probably happy, better off without him and his mess.
“Are you alright?” Jenna panted, pulling away slightly to look at Joel, staring into his eyes with concern.
Joel cleared his throat and forced a somewhat believable smile before nodding, still continuing the same repetitive movements. In, out, in, out.
“Yeah, yeah, ‘course I am.” He attempted to convince her. He was having a hard time concentrating on her when all he could think about was how much he missed you and how badly he wished it was you lying beneath him instead. But, of course, he could never admit that to her.
Jenna gave him a smile and caressed his stubbly cheek, letting out quick and quiet moans as he fucked her. She leaned her head back, closing her eyes as she let the pleasure take over her. Her orgasm rushed over her, her hips jerking as she held onto him like there was no tomorrow, moaning his name over and over again.
Joel didn’t react. He couldn’t. He continued thrusting his hips, holding onto her tightly. No matter what pace or what position he was fucking her in, it felt the exact same. Bland, boring, repetitive. His head wasn’t in the right place. That’s what his problem was.
How could he have sex with another woman when all he could think about was you?
He quickened his thrusts inside of her, the sound of their skin slapping echoing through the room. But no matter what, he couldn’t chase his own release. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best to focus. He didn’t want to make Jenna feel insecure. He loved her. He really did. But he couldn’t get himself to finish, no matter how hard he tried.
He just wished that it was you instead of her. He longed to be inside of you, fucking you, hearing you moaning his name loudly.
Fuck… how he missed the sound of his name on your beautiful lips.
Joel closed his eyes as he continued fucking his wife. He caressed her hips, pretending they were yours. He squeezed her breasts, pretending that they were yours. He fucked her pussy, harder and harder, pretending that it was you he was inside of.
Joel moaned quietly, picturing you as the one who was lying underneath him, pounding into you. His cock immediately felt warm, and his tip throbbed.
You always felt so damn good…
“Fuck..” Joel moaned quietly as he fucked her. He was imagining the way you would be panting, moaning his name, and begging for more. He could almost feel the way you would scratch his back or pull at his hair.
He could see your big eyes staring up at him, the innocence and lust mixed into their beautiful hue.
That was when he lost it.
Joel came harder than he had in months. He moaned out loudly, pretending that it was your pretty little pussy that he was filling up. His legs jerked, and he held onto Jenna’s hips tightly. He wouldn’t doubt that he would have accidentally left bruises there in the morning.
Jenna didn’t say anything, just breathing out endless moans of his name, moans that he could pretend belonged to you.
“Goddamn, I love you so much.” Joel groaned in his thick southern accent as he came down from his intense orgasm, his cock still throbbing inside her. The words he spoke belonged to you.
But when he opened his eyes, you disappeared. Your form was replaced by Jenna, who was looking up at him with such love and lust.
Joel swallowed hard, the guilt immediately starting to eat at him. He cleared his throat and gave her a quick kiss before pulling out of her and laying down beside her. Without mumbling a word, Jenna moved in closer to him and cuddled up close, their usual after sex.
But Joel didn’t move another muscle. He couldn’t. The post-nut clarity hit him hard. He didn’t know what he was more upset about. The fact that he had to think about you in order to finish when he was with Jenna. Or that you weren’t the one wrapped up in his arms.
┉┉┉
Three months. The world kept spinning, and time continued to go on. Life was slowly starting to get easier without Joel. There would still be nights, many nights, where you would think of him before going to bed or when you woke up. He was on your mind more than you would like to admit. However, as the days passed, it became easier.
You knew you needed to move on. That would make it even easier to get over Joel. And so, you had one of your friends convince you to sign up for a new dating site. You spent countless days scrolling and scrolling through different men's profiles. For the longest time, you weren’t finding anyone. You were being picky. After being with someone like Joel, you weren’t surprised that it was so difficult to find someone new.
But getting involved with someone new was precisely what you needed to stop thinking about Joel completely.
It took nearly two weeks for you to find someone that you were willing to go on a date with and was willing to go on a date with you. His name was Matthew, and he invited you out to drinks at a local bar. It wasn’t fancy, but something very casual. That’s what you prefer. It puts a lot less pressure on you.
He looked the exact opposite of Joel. He had short blonde hair, striking blue eyes, and a wide smile. He was still handsome, but not the kind of man that you expected yourself to go on a date with. But maybe someone who was the complete opposite of Joel was just what you needed. It was the ultimate distraction.
However, when you finally got around to meeting him, you regretted it instantly.
You were sipping on your first cocktail of the night at the bar when a tall man walked up behind you with a smile, leaning over before sitting down next to you. You looked over when you heard him mumble your name, asking if you were the right person he was looking for.
Looking over at him with a small smile, you nodded, setting your drink down on the bartop, “Yeah, you must be Matthew. It’s nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine.” Matthew smiled charmingly and took hold of your hand, placing a soft kiss down on it.
You blushed. He knew how to be a gentleman. It gave you hope that this date wouldn’t be too bad, something you had been worried about ever since you downloaded that stupid dating app on your phone.
“It’s a nice little place here, huh?” He smiled before catching the attention of the bartender, “I’ll take a corona with lime, please. Thank you so much.”
You couldn’t help but think about how Joel would have ordered a whiskey or brandy, on the rocks. You chuckled quietly to yourself, thinking about how Joel would have never ordered a corona with lime if he had been here at the bar with you instead.
“What’s so funny?” Matthew laughed a little and furrowed his eyebrows, thanking the bartender when she arrived with his drink.
You shook your head and sighed softly, taking a sip of your cocktail, “Oh, nothing. Just excited for our date.”
“Me too.” Matthew smiled and winked over at you before taking a sip of his corona.
At the same time, you also took yet another sip of your own drink. You originally wanted to go on this date so you could forget about Joel. It wasn’t fair for either of you to think about Joel just because of some drink that he ordered. It was stupid. He was a lot different, that’s why you were going out with him.
You weren't on a date with Joel. You were on a date with Matthew. Joel was married to Jenna, and that was something that you needed to accept. It was time for you to move on for good. That was that. But everything kept going back to Joel.
The date lasted for no more than 20 minutes. You didn’t even get to order any appetizers or get to the entree part of dinner before you had to ask for the check. You just couldn’t do it anymore.
You couldn’t fake the smile or force a laugh at the cheesy and unfunny jokes Matthew would try to crack. Any time he would try to do anything, whether that be making small talk or placing a hand on your thigh, you couldn’t help but think about how Joel would do it differently. You couldn’t brush off the thought of how much better this date would be if it was Joel sitting across from you instead.
“Is everything alright?” Matthew frowned in concern when you pulled your phone out of your purse.
You pretended to type something out on your phone while shaking your head, “No,” you mumbled and set your phone face down on the bar before standing up, grabbing your coat, “My friend just texted me. Her boyfriend just dumped her and left her alone with no ride at some sketchy bar. I have to go bring her home, I’m sorry.” The lie came naturally. It was an excuse you’ve used once or twice before to get out of a shitty situation.
Matthew frowned before nodding in understanding. God, you felt bad. But you shouldn’t have to feel so bad ditching on a date who spent the majority of the time talking about himself. He was a nice enough man, but he wasn’t Joel.
Turns out maybe you weren’t as ready as you thought you were. Joel was still at the forefront of your mind.
“Shit, you’re a good friend helping her out. Must have been a crummy boyfriend.” He shook his head, taking a sip from his beer bottle.
You nodded and slid your phone back into your purse, your quick movements indicating that you were in a rush, “I’m sorry for cutting our date short. I’ll call you.” You gave him a quick peck on his smooth cheek, so much different from Joel’s scruff, before you walked away from the table.
You heard Matthew saying his goodbye as you rushed out of the restaurant, not looking back.
He never heard from you again.
┉┉┉
Four months. Four long fucking months.
Every day was getting harder for Joel. Every day, he missed you more and more. He can’t work, he can’t eat, he can’t sleep. You were on his mind 24/7, no matter how hard he tried. He’s tried to focus on Jenna, work overtime, pick up his guitar, but nothing was distracting enough to take his mind off of you.
He was good at masking. Jenna didn’t notice. And if she ever saw the mask crack, he would quickly come up with a believable excuse that left her quiet and satisfied.
Joel was currently sitting home alone with a glass of whiskey in his hand. It was seven in the evening, and Jenna was working a rare night shift. He was alone, something that he was used to. Even though he had a wife by his side, he was nothing but alone without you in his life.
Every night, he thought of you. Every time he touched himself, he would jerk off to thoughts of you. Every time he fucked Jenna, he would picture you and hear your moans calling out his name instead.
He couldn’t take it anymore. Joel took a quick swig of his whiskey and slammed it down on the coffee table in front of him before pulling out his phone. This was the first time that he pulled up your contact in months. He stared at your name, the name that haunted him for all this time.
His leg was shaking nervously while he took a deep breath, hitting the call button before putting the phone up to his ear. There was no going back now. He had already dived in too deep.
You were at home, cuddled up on the couch with mountains of blankets and pillows surrounding you. This was how you spent most of your Friday nights now. You gave up on dating after your so-called date with Matthew. It felt pointless. You would compare every man to Joel, and no man could ever come close to him.
Your phone started to buzz in your lap as you were watching your second movie of the night. You sighed quietly and put the movie on pause before picking up your phone to see who was interrupting your Friday movie night.
Your heart fell into the pit of your stomach when you saw Joel’s name lit up on your phone. You immediately sat up, rubbing your eyes to convince yourself that you weren’t seeing things. There have been times after the wedding when your phone would ring, and you had hoped that Joel was on the other line, but that was never the case. This was the first time that he actually called you. It was hard to believe.
You answered the phone right before the ringing stopped and took a deep breath, “Hello?” your voice was a soft and nervous whisper.
“You answered.” It sounded like Joel was letting out a sigh of relief when he heard your voice. It made your heart flutter.
You laughed softly at his response, “If you call me, I’m always going to answer.” You responded truthfully.
“Good,” You could hear his smile through the phone, “How have you been? It’s been a while.”
“I’ve been good,” You lied through your teeth, “How ‘bout you?”
“Good.” He murmured.
There was a moment of silence, a long pause. The small talk was killing him. He was never this awkward or nervous with you before. That’s one of the reasons why he liked you so much. He was allowed to be himself, and he could feel like he could talk to you about anything and everything.
But this time, he was so scared of fucking this up with you again. He had been miserable for four months straight, and he didn’t want to go another four without you in his life.
“I miss you.” Joel blurted out, interrupting the silence.
You widened your eyes slightly, not expecting that he would be the one to admit it. You’ve spent all this time missing him. You didn’t think he would feel the same way. He had Jenna now. Why would he miss you?
You licked your lips and hesitated before answering, staring down at your lap, “I miss you too, Joel. I miss you a lot, actually.”
“I need to see you,” Joel said almost too quickly, “ I can’t wait anymore, darlin’. I can’t go another damn night without seein’ ya.”
The questions immediately flooded your mind. What about Jenna? Weren’t they still married? Does she know? You wanted to ask all of these questions. But you also didn’t want to waste any more time. You didn’t want to go another night without seeing him, either. You weren’t going to let go of this opportunity to see Joel again. You would be an idiot to do so.
The silence on the other side of the line was making Joel nervous. Had he said the wrong thing? Did you not feel the same way he did? What if you had a boyfriend who was madly in love with you? The thought made him sick to his stomach. But who was he to say? He was a married man, for crying out loud.
“I’m free for the rest of the night if you want to meet up somewhere and…talk.” Joel let out a breath that he didn’t even realize he was holding when you responded. It was just exactly what he wanted to hear from you. He wished he had called sooner if he had known you would have agreed to meet up with him. But this was the first night that he actually had the courage to call.
And there was a lot that you two needed to talk about and discuss. There were so many things that were left unclear or unsaid, and those strings finally needed to be tied.
“How ‘bout the Rambling Man bar? It’s just outside of town. Good drinks and food if you’re hungry, it’ll be on me.” Joel offered, tapping his foot in anticipation of your answer.
“That works. See you in about half hour?” You suggested, standing up from the couch.
“Perfect, I’ll see you then.”
“See you soon.” You whispered your goodbyes before hanging up the phone, immediately letting out a deep sigh as you put your phone into your back pocket.
You couldn’t believe that Joel had actually called you. You assumed that he was happy in his marriage after he vowed himself to Jenna. He told her that he would love and cherish her for the rest of his life right in front of you. He gave himself to her. He willingly made that commitment. Why wouldn’t he be happy if that was the choice he made? There was a lot that you needed to talk to him about. You didn’t even know where to begin.
But at least you had the twenty minute car ride out of town to prepare yourself.
The moment he hung up the phone, Joel grabbed his coat and slung it on. Meeting up with you again was the most important thing to him at that moment. Knowing that he would be able to see your beautiful face in just under an hour made his heart soar. He fumbled, putting his wallet into his jeans before grabbing his keys, not wasting any time as he walked outside and to his car.
He felt bad for having you take the drive out of town, but it was his only option, considering that people may recognize him if he met up with you somewhere nearby. If someone were to see him meeting up with you alone, word would quickly spread back to Jenna. That’s the last thing he wanted to deal with, especially since he didn’t truly understand his own feelings.
Joel got there before you did. He saved a seat for the both of you and sipped on the glass of whiskey in his hand. His eyes were glued on the front door, hoping that every time it opened, it was you walking inside. And eventually, it was.
His heart sprung in his chest when he saw you walk in. He swallowed hard, trying to keep his cool and not feel like an excited teenage boy with a crush. You looked just as beautiful as you did four months ago. The way you carried yourself, the way your smile lit up when your eyes met his. He remembered why he allowed himself to fall in love with you.
“It’s good to see you, Joel.” You smiled politely at him and pulled your chair out to take a seat across from him like you were arriving at a job interview.
Joel chuckled quietly and shook his head, looking at you over his glass of whiskey while taking a sip, “It’s just me, sweetheart. We ain’t strangers.”
The way he laughed took away a lot of your nerves, “Sorry, I’m just… incredibly nervous.” You admitted.
“You an’ me both. M’surprised you even showed up.” Joel admitted, pushing a cocktail over to you, “Ordered it for ya while I was waitin’.”
“And I’m surprised that you’re surprised,” You smiled and took a sip of the cocktail, your favorite, “Thank you.” You mumbled, motioning over to the drink.
“‘Course. I should be the one thanking you for meeting up with me tonight. I know it’s late and you probably have work to do, but I really ‘preciate it.” The sincerity was clear in his eyes.
“Well, you’re kinda notorious for showing up late at night for me.” You pointed out with a laugh.
Joel let out a quick chuckle before shaking his head, “It ain’t like that I swear. You’re not just some late night ‘hook up’ call or whatever they call it nowadays.” The words churned his stomach, “You’re not that at all.” His words were quick and scrambled.
“I know, Joel. And that’s why I showed up, so we can talk about that. About everything.” It made you nervous, but this was something that needed to be done. The two of you couldn’t go on like this anymore. You couldn’t go on longing for one another every single night. But you also couldn’t keep going behind Jenna’s back just so you could be selfish and not hurt her at the same time. She was a genuinely lovely woman. It wasn’t fair.
Joel took a deep breath and another quick swig of his whiskey, trying to build the confidence to begin this dreaded conversation. He had already called you up, and you were now sitting in front of him with a black tank top and jeans that showed off your body so well that it could distract him from the real reason why the two of you had met up. He couldn’t stop now. He was already too deep in.
“Right, we’re here to talk, aren’t we?” Joel cleared his throat and swirled the remaining whiskey in the glass with his hand, watching the bronze liquid dance in circles, “I ain’t even sure where to begin. It’s been too long. There’s so much to say.” He chuckled nervously, licking his dry lips.
You nodded in understanding before making the bold move of resting your hand on top of his that wasn’t holding his whiskey glass. Joel immediately tore his eyes away from the glass and over at you when he felt your soft skin caress his hand. Oh, how much he missed your touch. It was something he had craved for so long, and it still didn’t feel real that you were here in front of him.
But, you weren’t back for him. He knew that. The two of you were just here to talk, that’s all. He couldn’t get ahead of himself and anticipate anything more from you, no matter how much he had been longing for your touch.
“How’s Jenna doing? How’s married life treating you?” You questioned, deciding to start off the conversation for him. You kept your hand on top of his, gently caressing his skin with your thumb. The gentle touch helped relax him as you noticed the look in his dark brown eyes soften.
“Jenna? She’s good. Been keeping herself busy,” Joel shrugged but hesitated before answering the second part of your question; how his married life was going. It would be pointless for him to lie to you, for the whole reason he was here was to be open and honest and to get everything off his chest.
He took a deep breath and squeezed your hand gently. He didn’t want to bombard you with his personal life, but with the way you were staring at him with such love and care in your eyes, he knew you were a safe space. You stayed silent while he pondered on his answer, giving him all the time that he needed.
“It’s been rocky,” Joel answered truthfully, “Well, f’me it has been at least. Jenna thinks it’s going great. She still cuddles with me at night, makes me the most wonderful dinners, tells me how much she loves me…” His voice cracked slightly as he went on. You never let go of his hand.
You felt the jealousy in the pit of your stomach grow as he went on about how wonderful of a wife Jenna was. It wasn’t right for you to feel this way, to feel so jealous of Jenna. Joel wasn’t yours. He was never yours.
“She sounds great.” You muttered bitterly, having difficulty trying to hide the jealousy in your voice.
“She is,” Joel agreed, “And that’s what makes this so damn hard. She’s really trying to be the perfect wife, and she doesn’t think anything’s wrong. But every time she does anything, all I can think about is you in her place. I can’t help it, darlin’. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since my damn wedding day. I know you told me that you wanted me to be happy, but I don’t think I’m happy anymore. I don’t know if I can keep doing this with Jenna anymore.”
“Joel…”
Joel shook his head and let out a deep sigh, running a hand through his hair, “I know. I know it’s wrong. I don’t need a damn lecture. I’ve already been cursing myself every fuckin’ day.”
“Joel.” You repeated, a bit louder this time.
He looked up from his lap over to you, finally shutting up, “Sorry.” He mumbled, interlacing your fingers with his.
You bit your lower lip as you thought to yourself before taking a deep breath, “I’ve been feeling the same way about you. I can’t remember the last night where you didn’t cross my mind.”
The moment those words left your lips, Joel saw a glimpse of hope. That was until he was brutally reminded by you about the situation he was in. He couldn’t let himself get too hopeful, not yet.
“But you’re married, Joel. I helped you both plan that wedding, for fuck’s sake,” You ran a hand through your hair, trying not to let tears form in your burning eyes.
“But I don't want to be married. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not happy with Jenna. The only time I’ve ever felt truly loved was when I was with you.” The pain was evident in his cracking voice.
“You made those vows to her. You were conscious when you made that decision.” You tried to explain to him.
“And I don’t like that I made the wrong decision.” Joel protested, his gaze intense as he stared into your eyes, “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. And I can’t keep draggin’ Jenna along like this when I can’t love her as much as I love you. It ain’t right.”
You loved the words that he was saying to you. You couldn’t help it, for this was what you had been longing to hear from him for so long.
“I’ve missed you so much, Joel.” That was all you could think of to say. You didn’t want to push him away, not when this was what you had needed for months.
“Then stay and have a couple of drinks with me? Please.” Joel squeezed your hand, the gentle touch sending butterflies to your belly. You didn’t want to let go of his hand. You didn’t want to let go of him.
“Alright.”
┉┉┉
You lost track of time. One drink turned into two, to three, to one more and a glass of water can’t hurt. Joel kept getting his glass of whiskey refilled as well, getting lost in conversation with you as the night went on. Neither of you were worried about getting home any time soon.
“God, what time is it?” You yawned, sipping on what should be the last drink of the night. The hangover you were going to have the next morning was expected, but it was worth it if it meant you got to spend the night catching up with Joel.
Joel looked down at the watch on his wrist before letting out an exaggerated sigh, “Bit past midnight.”
“Damn,” You laughed and shook your head, “You really make the time fly by, don’t you?” You smiled at him over your glass, his eyes sparkling in the dim bar light.
Joel chuckled along with you as he took the last swig of liquor in his glass, “I don’t think I’ve stayed up this late since I was a young boy. Ain’t even tired either.” He smiled, setting the now empty glass down in front of him.
“Neither am I, I’m wide awake.” You grinned, finding yourself reaching your arm out on the table to hold onto his hand. You were a bit tired, to be completely honest, but you didn’t want the night to come to an end.
“Well, who says the night has to end here?” Joel whispered, giving your hand an intimate squeeze.
You were a bit taken aback, your eyebrows furrowing slightly with a tilt of your head, “What about Jenna? I’m sure she’s already wondering where you are.”
Joel brushed it off with a shake of his hand, “She’s working late and won’t be back until early mornin’. She won’t even know that I’m here.”
You hated the excitement that rushed over you when he told you that you could potentially spend the rest of the night with him. But, as much as you wanted to agree, you couldn’t.
“I can’t. I have work early in the morning with a new client, wants to go over some ideas they have.” You muttered, fiddling with your empty cocktail glass.
“Hm, shame.” Joel couldn’t hide the slight disappointment he felt in his voice, “At least let me walk you out to your car?” He smiled, standing up and pushing his chair back under the table.
You nodded, taking up his offer before standing up. The alcohol rushed straight to your head the moment you stood up, and you took a second to recollect yourself from the sudden light-headness. The hangover wasn’t going to be kind to you in the morning.
Joel chuckled quietly as he watched you and shook his head, grabbing onto your hand gently, “Maybe we should take a cab home.”
You nodded and rubbed your eyes tiredly, “That’s probably the best idea.” You mumbled, “I still have my jacket in my car, though.” You whined slightly, leaning your head on his shoulder.
Joel couldn’t wipe away his smile as he wrapped his arm around you, leading you out of the bar. He was a bit more than tipsy himself, but he felt so euphoric and free being here with you. It didn’t matter that he would feel like shit the next morning or that Jenna would give him a mouthful for reeking of alcohol. None of that mattered. Nothing else mattered when he was with you.
A few steps outside, you were already met at your car. You gave him a thankful smile and reached in the backseat to grab your coat, looking over at him to find him holding his phone and getting you a cab.
“Thank you.” You whispered, leaning back against your car while keeping your eyes over on him.
“For what?”
“For everything. For bringing me out to my car, for tonight. Thank you.” Your voice was soft and gentle, your eyes never leaving his.
Joel didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. He said everything he needed to with his eyes. They stared at you with such a softness that only Joel ever could bring. His eyes were filled with gratitude, love, and reassurance. He didn’t need to say a word.
His hands slowly moved down to your waist, his large fingers spreading out on your hips. Joel’s eyes never left yours. The only time they did, they were glancing down at your lips before immediately returning to your eyes once again.
You immediately took notice when he looked down at your lips, for you did the same to him. Oh, how you missed those lips. You missed his lips on your lips, your cheek, your neck, your pussy…
Your eyes caught a glimpse of his lips once more, now suddenly more conscious of your breathing, or lack thereof.
Joel’s thumb rubbed your hips slowly, the roughness of his hands bringing you in closer to him. It was involuntary, but you could feel his hardened cock through his jeans. With the mixture of the alcohol and his longing for you, it wasn’t a surprise to either of you.
“Your cab should be here in about fifteen minutes,” Joel whispered hoarsely, breaking the deafening silence. His eyes never stopped glimpsing down at your lips, wanting nothing more than to claim them with his own.
You sucked your lips in and nodded slowly, shamelessly staring at his mouth, “Thanks.” You mumbled, your mind completely elsewhere, just like his own.
Joel’s hand moved to your upper hip, never wanting to let go of you. He didn’t want you to leave, not again. And neither did you. There was nothing you wanted more than to feel him, for him to take you in whichever way he wanted to.
He moved in closer to you, his forehead now pressed up against yours. His nose nuzzled against yours, your lips parting at the gentle gesture. Your eyes suddenly felt heavier than before.
Both of you were thinking the same thing, but you didn’t know who was brave enough to make the first move.
Not a single word was spoken before Joel’s lips crashed onto yours. You didn’t hesitate to respond, your lips dancing with his.
Soft moans escaped your lips as you kissed him deeply and passionately. These were the lips you had dreamed of nearly every night, and you couldn’t believe that any of this was even real.
Neither of you seemed to care about anything but each other anymore. You didn’t care that he was married, that you had to work early in the morning, or that you were still in public. All you cared about was your lips on his.
Joel squeezed your hips gently, pushing his tongue against your lips to meet with his. Your tongue tangled up with his, longing for more.
A guttural groan left his throat as he kissed you with need, pulling your hips in closer as a desperate attempt to feel more of you.
“God, you have no idea how much I need you.” Joel pulled away slightly to mumble against your lips. Just his words alone made you warm to the core, feeling your panties getting wetter and wetter. He was the only man who ever had such an effect on you.
You were too out of breath from the kiss to respond other than a quick head nod. He already knew what you needed. He knew your body like the palm of his hand.
Before going any further, Joel leaned away from you, looking around to see other people walking in and out of the bar, heading to their cars, and walking on the side of the road. There were too many people around, too many for what he was planning on doing with you.
“Follow me.” He mumbled, grabbing onto your hand, and looked around once more before leading you to the back of the building, where no one was, and no one could see.
You chuckled quietly to yourself as you rushed over there with him, feeling like two sneaky teenagers.
Joel stopped and pressed you back against the cold brick wall gently, his hands roaming up and down your waist, desperate to touch as much of you as he could.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He murmured, leaning in to kiss your jaw down to your neck.
“I need you, Joel,” you begged, moving your hands down to his belt, “I need you so damn bad.”
Much to your surprise, Joel gently grabbed onto your hands and pushed them away from his belt. Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked up at him in confusion.
“No, I want to focus on you. Just you. I want to make you cum.” Joel whispered quietly in your ear and pushed your pants down quickly to your ankles. He swiftly moved your panties off to the side and groaned quietly while brushing his fingers through your folds, feeling just how wet you were for him.
“Fuck Joel…” You moaned out his name in pleasure, leaning your head back against the brick wall. You missed him so damn much. You missed the feeling of his rough fingers on your pussy.
Joel hummed in satisfaction, hearing those pretty little noises coming out of your mouth.
He gently dipped one thick finger easily into your pussy, your pre cum giving him easy access. Just the feeling of his finger inside of you made him want to go absolutely feral. You were so warm, so tight, so wet, and it was all just for him.
The way his strong body pressed against you and the way his warm breath was beating down on your neck, you needed him more than ever. He inserted another finger into you, earning a gasp followed by a moan.
“So damn gorgeous,” Joel mumbled into your ear, biting the sensitive skin of your earlobe.
You wrapped your arms around him, taking fistfuls of his flannel to keep him close to you.
You craved for his cock to be inside of you, but you didn’t want him to stop, either. This man was a wizard with his fingers. The way he would rub your sensitive clit with his thumb while his index and middle fingers curled up inside of you was complete euphoria.
His finger slowly circled your clit, moving in closer to press gentle kisses down your jaw, “I’ve thought about you every damn night… I can’t help myself that every time I close my eyes, all I can see is that pretty face of yours.” he whispered.
“Joel…” you whined out, bucking your hips into his hand as he slowly moved his fingers in and out, in and out.
All while his fingers were pumping in and out of you, his thumb massaged your sensitive clit, sending a bolt of pleasure through your body every time he brushed past it.
“Mmm, I know baby, I know,” He cooed, “ I’m gonna make you feel so damn good, don’t you worry.” He whispered reassuringly in your ear, never slowing with his fingers.
The warmth in the pit of your stomach grew stronger and stronger each time he curled the tips of his fingers inside of you. You beat your eyelashes, your eyes falling shut. You were already so close, knowing that he was the one who was making you feel this way.
“It should’ve been you that day, sweetheart,” Joel leaned in to whisper in your ear, cupping your pussy with his hand while continuing to tease your clit, “Shoulda been you wearing that wedding dress, walking down the aisle t’me and lookin’ all pretty.” He continued to whisper.
You felt yourself clench around his fingers at his words, a louder moan leaving your lips. Never before did you think he felt the same exact way you did, especially after all this time. Just knowing that he would picture you wearing that white dress and saying those vows to you made your heart dance. Your pussy throbbed as he touched you with expertise, strings of moans leaving your lips.
At this point, you couldn’t care less if anyone walking by the back of the building could hear you. Joel Miller was finally touching you in the way you craved after months of being so deprived. If anyone heard, so be it. You didn’t want to hold yourself back.
“You should be the one I come home to every night. The one I get to fuck whenever I want.” Joel whispered in your ear before kissing it, the motions with his fingers getting more and more intense.
Those were the words that made you crack.
You were the one he should be coming home to every night.
“Fuck!” You moaned out loudly and tightly squeezed your eyes shut, holding onto him tighter than before.
Your orgasm hit you hard. Your pussy pulsed as you let yourself go in his hand, his fingers never stopping. You bucked yourself into his hand over and over again, riding out your orgasm. Your legs trembled, moaning out his name repeatedly. You couldn’t remember the last time you hit a climax so hard.
Joel gently rubbed your wet folds, using his other arm to wrap around your back, holding you up.
“That’s it, baby girl. I gotcha.” He whispered, slowly removing his fingers from your cunt as he held you up straight. Your legs were still wobbly after coming down from your orgasm.
Your breathing was heavy, and your eyes were still closed as you slowly came back down to reality, Joel holding onto you all the while. He was as hard as a rock in his jeans, and his cock was throbbing with need. But seeing you like this in his arms was all the satisfaction he needed.
You stayed in Joel’s arms for a moment, taking a minute to recover and catch your breath. No man was ever able to make you come as hard as Joel. No one was ever able to touch you just like he did. You had missed it terribly. But your mind slowly grew clearer, and you were back into reality.
You were with a married man outside the back of a bar, letting him touch you and whisper sweet nothings to you. This situation was a lot more complicated than either of you wanted to admit. As much as you would love to continue having this kind of relationship with Joel, it wasn’t realistic. Not as long as he was still married to Jenna.
Joel held you close in his arms, and you knew that you had to be the one to start the conversation, no matter how much you didn’t want to. You wished that you could continue putting it off and pretend that your real lives didn’t exist. That it was just the two of you living happily in your own little world with no outside worries or cares. But that could never be. If you didn’t end things with him once and for all at this very moment, you weren’t sure if you ever could.
You took a deep breath and hesitated, trying to rip the band-aid off, “Joel, we really can’t be-”
“No,” Joel was quick to interrupt you, “Don’t say that.” He pulled away to look at you with pleading eyes, his arms still wrapped around your back. He didn’t want to let go of you. He wasn’t ready, not yet.
You opened your mouth to speak once more, but yet again, Joel stopped you, “I don’t want this to be over. I have spent every night since I met you thinking about you. There have been nights that I haven’t slept because all I can think about is you. Don’t you understand? I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anything else in my life.”
Tears burned his eyes. The alcohol mixed in with his system really didn’t help with his emotions. But he didn’t care if you saw him crying. He felt safe around you. He was comfortable whenever he was with you. He was in love with you.
You swallowed back your tears, your body tensing up. You knew this was going to be hard, but you didn’t anticipate just how hard it was going to be. This was hurting you just as much as it was hurting Joel. And it was hurting you even more, knowing that you were the one creating those tears in his eyes.
“I can’t lose you. I don’t want to imagine a lifetime without you. Four months was torture enough.” His voice cracked, full of pain.
Just staring into his pleading eyes made your heart break. You wished you could take back those words and go back to kissing him and loving him. But you couldn’t, no matter how much you longed for it.
Joel moved his hand from your lower back to hold onto your hand, giving it a desperate squeeze. He wanted to beg, to plead, for you to stay here with him. But he had to stop himself. He knew that you were right. He hated that you were right, absolutely hated it.
“We can’t keep seeing each other like this if you’re married to Jenna. It isn’t fair to any of us.” You sniffled quietly and rubbed your eyes to try and prevent the tears from falling. You hated this just as much as he did. It was difficult, but it was necessary if you wanted your relationship to go any further. Whether that was pursuing a relationship with Joel or moving on once and for all. You needed that closure, “You’re going to have to make a choice, Joel.”
Joel ran a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply, nodding slowly. This was an ongoing debate he had with himself; the decision between a stable marriage with Jenna or following his heart and being with you. He stayed silent, not sure of the right words to say.
“You have my number. Let me know whatever you decide. I’ll support you no matter what.” You reassured him, knowing that you were putting him in a difficult position. You hated doing so, but it needed to be done sooner than later.
You gave him a small, pain-filled smile before kissing his cheek gently. You let your lips linger on his cheek as if it was the last. Staring at him in silence for a moment longer, you took a deep breath before walking over to your cab and getting inside.
Joel was finally able to breathe and let the tears fall down his cheeks as he watched you disappear into the car. He knew that he was the one to put everyone in this position, and now it was his responsibility to fix it, whether that meant staying with or divorcing Jenna.
He rubbed his eyes and sniffled quietly, looking down before heading back out to his truck. All he wanted to do was to go home to an empty bed and sleep. Maybe he would have a clearer mind in the morning. But at the end of the day, he knew he needed to make a life changing decision, and soon.
Rated: Angst | Violence | Fluff | Suggestive | Age Gap | Assault | Language
Summary: You, Joel, and Ellie have been a trio from the start. You were a family, but you find your relationship with Joel withering when he starts to pull away. Now a new comer makes her way into Jackson and into Joel’s heart…
“Joel.”
Two months have gone by since that day and everything seemed to be slowly slipping away from your fingers. You were having trouble adjusting, but you were having even more trouble at the thought of loosing Joel.
“Joel.” Your fingers wrapped around his arm and you gently shook him.
He didn’t touch her or kiss her, but her presence was just there. Always around him. Always driving a wedge between the two of you.
“Joel. It’s time to wake up.” You spoke softly.
It hurt and so you argued more than you ever have. Even before when you were a firefly, neither of you argued this much. You argued until there was nothing left. Until your breath could barely keep you alive.
His eyes opened to find you kneeling beside him on the floor. You were beautiful… You were always beautiful to him. He glanced to the window where the sun was already high up in the sky.
“Where are the others?” He asked.
“Ellie is at the barn again, apparently she’s got a real knack in taking care of the horses. You two might just get your sheep farm on the moon soon.” You spoke softly as you brushed loose curls away from his face.
His hair was getting longer and it made you smile, “You need a haircut love.”
“Don’t wanna do it.” He mumbled.
“I’ll do it later tonight.” You rubbed your thumb against his cheek, taking in the precious moment between the two of you.
He leaned into your touch making your heart jumped before worried settled in at the dark circles under his eyes.
“You need to stop sleeping on the couch Joel.” You sighed as you rubbed his arm, “You need your bed.”
“But you need—” He began to say, but you didn’t let him finish.
“I know.” You sighed before getting up, “Come, we have to meet with Maria and Tommy soon. Maria says she has some good news.”
Joel nodded his head as he sat up, his back aching from the couch. If only he was younger, this would feel like nothing. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so insecure when it came to you. He silently got up and made his way to the bathroom to get ready.
You were pouring him some coffee when he appeared in the kitchen.
“Your shirt is on backwards.” You spoke teasingly.
“Shit.” He muttered as he took off his shirt because you were in fact right.
You couldn’t help the way your eyes raked over his chest. He wasn’t overly fit, but he had muscles where it count. Your cheeks heat up as you remember the night you were able to touch him, run your hands across his chest over each scar he had. You didn’t realize how much you missed that and the only thing you could do is bite your lip to keep yourself from hopping across the counter and jump him.
“And what about Heather?” Joel asked once his shirt was fixed.
You took a sharp breath and your feelings turned sour, “She’s with Mikel.” You explained shortly.
His brows furrowed, “Mikel is supposed to be on patrol today.”
You nodded your head, “He’s going to be teaching her the ropes now that she’s been here for a while and settled in.”
“I could have done that.” He stated gruffly, “After what she’s been through, she is not very trusting towards anyone.”
You took in a sharp breath, “Everyone has been through something Joel.” You said carefully, “I asked Maria about it and we agreed Mikel would be a great fit for her. I was on a route with him when you disappeared, he’s my age and very capable of protecting her if need be.” You encouraged, “Besides, you and I go on patrol, you wouldn’t have the time to do both.”
“So you decided this on your own without asking me about my opinion?” He asked gruffly, a sharp edge to his tone.
You looked down at the counter. You were too embarrassed to admit that you did decide without asking him because you were scared he wouldn’t choose you.
“It’s you and I.” You stated as your voice wavered, “It’s been you and I.”
Silence grew between the two of you.
“Not always.” He finally said in a tone so soft you wouldn’t think it would come from Joel Miller himself.
And boy did what he say hurt you then any physical fight you have ever been in. What could you say to him? To be able to have him hold you in his arms again? To stop dragging you through rusted nails… You just wanted to stop hurting and he just kept pounding on the nails with a hammer.
“I am here now.” Your voice wavered, “Standing right in front of you. I am here, alive and bleeding out to you.”
You could see the wavering look in his eyes, “You’re too young.”
You held your ground, “You can’t keep pushing me away Joel.”
He shook his head, deciding that staring at the wall behind your seemed more interesting then the tears forming in your eyes, “I can’t do that to you.”
“Do what?” You quickly walked around the counter to face him, “Love me? Because if so why did you kiss me huh? Why did you touch me? Why give me hope that you could actually love me back? Tell me then. Tell me that you don’t love me.”
Your fury grew when his silence lingered.
“Tell me Joel!” You yelled at him and in that moment you were glad that Ellie wasn’t in the house.
He didn’t answer… He didn’t want to because he knew what he would say and he knew that would be the end of him. Instead he turned and did what he always did… Keep everything buried.
“Come on. We’ll be late.” He turned and walked to the front door without touching the coffee you made him.
You glared at him with nothing with but a heart filled with fiery, “It’s because you love me too. Isn’t it?”
His shoulders stiffened, but that was all the answer he would give you as he walked away.
You gave a small sigh before following after him.
It was long before you were hopping up the steps to Tommy and Maria’s home. Joel trailed behind you as you knocked on the door.
Not even a moment later and Maria was greeting you with her famous smile.
“Good morning.” You returned her smile and gave her a hug.
She gave you a tight squeeze, “Good morning.” She ushered you both inside, “Tommy’s making breakfast or at least trying to.”
“Oh boy.” You breathed out a laugh as the two of you followed her into their little breakfast nook by the kitchen.
“Mornin.” Joel greeted his brother.
You pulled out Joel’s chair before taking your seat as Maria brought over two mugs of tea.
“Thank you, I needed this.” You breathed out as you held the mug.
Your eyes then flickered to Joel pulling out a chair and sitting across from you.
Of course he’d do that. You sighed. Always one for the dramatics.
You were upset that he didn’t want to sit next to you, but you figured it was because of the conversation you both had earlier. Maria took a seat beside you instead, a small smile on her face as she watched Tommy bring over what was a poor attempt at omelets.
“Don’t say one word.” Tommy’s voice was playful as he barely scolded Maria.
Maria raised her hands up in mock surrender, “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to.” Tommy huffed with a small laugh as he took his seat as the head of his table.
“I think that food speaks for itself.” Joel joked.
“It looks… Edible none the least.” You murmured as you picked out egg shells, “You wont hear me complaining.”
“It’s perfect hunny.” Maria smiled as she leaned over a placed a kiss on Tommy’s cheek.
Your heart melted at the sight and an ache filled it. You could only dream of being that way with Joel… The things you would do just to get that man to show you that he loved you too.
The rest of breakfast was going over the upkeep of Jackson and the repairs that needed to be done. Apparently Liza and Julio’s spotted one of the perimeter fences on the east wall being bent inward from the snow the has been pilling up against it and some of the vegetables aren’t doing so well with the cold.
“We should get a group together to fix the fence first.” You said, “I can help out as well.”
“As for the vegetables… This winter is a lot worse then the previous ones we’ve had. We will have to make do with the vegetable we got until we get to warmer weather.” Maria stated.
“That sounds good.” Tommy agreed, “And I will put together a team after our breakfast to start working on the wall. I’ll let you know if we need any help, but thank you for the offer.”
“Of course Tommy.” You nodded your head.
“I also want to switch patrol routes with Mikel.” Joel announced at the table as breakfast was beginning to come to an end.
You looked away from your food and towards him within a second of his words appearing from his mouth, “Why? I thought our route for this week was pretty good.”
“No. I want Mikel to start taking you out on patrol.” He stated simply.
You dropped your fork, “Why? Did I do something wrong? Is this about earlier?”
“No.” He said again and you swore it was his favorite word, “You said it yourself. He’s younger and stronger. That means he can protect you.”
“I don’t want him to protect me.” You glowered, “I have you.”
“No. You don’t.” He stated gruffly, “You can’t rely on me forever.”
“I’m not relying on you! I pull my weight just as much as you do. We’re a team and you can’t just split us up.” You yelled at hi, “I won’t let you.”
He stood up abruptly with a scowl, “Enough! Fuck just listen to me for once! I’m doing this for you!”
“For me?” You stood up as well with a scoff, “You know what, I’ll listen to you when you start making sense Joel!”
“I don’t want you! Can you listen to that?!” He yelled and suddenly the room went silent.
“Fuck you Joel.” You murmured before storming away.
“Have your fucking switch then! See if I care!” You yelled before slamming the door.
“Good job Joel.” Maria rolled her eyes. She stood up and began to collect the dishes, “When are you going to stop being an asshole and realize that you need her just as much as she needs you?” She stated before walking away to put the dishes in the sink.
She rushed to the door to put on her shoes and coat before going to find you. You were more important to her than some dirty dishes that she can clean later.
Joel sighed as he slumped down into his seat.
“What’s going on brother?” Tommy asked.
Joel didn’t speak, not for a few minutes. He was trying his best to keep himself from loosing his shit.
“Nothing.” He mumbled.
“Well that’s a stupid answer coming from you.” Tommy laughed.
“I’m old Tommy.” Joel sighed.
“Yeah.” Tommy laughed, “We’re all old and what’s your point?”
“She’s not.” He stated simply.
A realization dawned across Tommy’s voice, “Is that why you are pushing her away?”
“She deserves more than an old man.” Joel sighed in defeat, “I just wish she would see that.”
“That’s not for you to decide.” Tommy pointed out, “That’s her decision and I can see that she’s not going to change it.”
“But I can help her change it.” Joel said as he looked up at his brother, “Just help me make her see that. That Mikel kid or whoever could be good for her. She needs someone her age and I need someone my age. That’s how it should be.”
“So what? Is that why you’re so attached to Heather? Because you feel like you’re not enough for the girl who has been in love with you for months just because she’s a little younger?”
“It’s not just a little younger.” Joel grumbled,
Tommy shook his head as he stood up, “I’m not going to help you break her heart.”
“You did this with Ellie too and look how that turned out?”
Tommy placed a hand on Joel’s shoulder, “You deserve happiness too, brother.”
“And she deserves someone who is strong enough to protect her.” Joel replied, a solemn tone to his voice.
You soon found yourself scrubbing aggressively at the bar counter.
“Fuck him.” You grumbled as you cleaned, “And not in the good way. Not like he’s been wanting that lately.”
Maria nodded her head, “I’ll admit he is being a dick.”
“Who’s being a dick?” Ellie hopped up on a barstool.
“Joel.” You and Maria both said at the same time.
That is until you did a double take to see that it is Ellie.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working at the barn?” You asked inquisitively, “What are you doing here?”
“I finished all my tasks and saw you both in the window. Why is Joel being a dick?”
“Sweetie, you can’t call him that.” You scolded her lightly, “And he’s not… He’s just…”
“Being a dick.” Maria stated simply.
Her input made the three of you burst out laughing. You smiled at the lighten mood as you reached for a glass. You poured Ellie some water before setting it infront of her.
“Can’t I get some of that?” She asked, pointing to your glass that you were currently filling with whiskey.
You shook your head, “Not until you’re old enough.”
“But it’s the apocalypse?” Ellie looked at you confused.
“Doesn’t mean someone as young as you can drink.” You crossed your arms.
Ellie sighed, “Yes mom.”
“Maybe just talk to him later tonight. Find the real reason about his decision.” Maria advised.
I nodded my head before looking at Ellie, “I’m not going to lie to you. Joel and I are arguing. Can you please stay with Maria and Tommy tonight so I can talk to him?”
Ellie nodded her head slowly, “Why are you two arguing? Is it because of Heather cause if so I don’t like her.”
I sighed, “It’s hard to explain and even harder to talk about it. I won’t talk badly about your dad, not in front of you.”
It was late by the time you went home after you dropped Ellie off at Maria and Tommy’s. They gave you some good news that cheered you up a bit. It might just be the change you both needed. Now all you had to do was tell him. You were just trying to get the courage to step inside your front door.
You finally stepped inside and was met with the lights being on, but no one around.
“Joel?” You called out to him as you took your shoes off.
He didn’t answer you, but you could hear soft muffled voices coming from upstairs. You took a step, each one leading you up the stairs and down to Joel’s room… The door was already wide open and an unwelcome feeling filled your gut as you got closer. You weren’t sure if you wanted to know what lied behind the doorway.
Your body however, carried you into the room. Relief filled your chest at seeing the bed empty and left how you made it in the morning. You glanced around the room to the light that flooded out from the bathroom. You stepped closer to the door, a female laugh fluttering from it making your stomach twist and your chest tighten at what you saw.
Joel sat on a stool that was definitely taken from the kitchen and a bath towel draped around him. Heather stood with a pair of scissors as she cut at the ends of his hair. This was thing that you were supposed to do not her.
“You’re cutting his hair.” Your voice was dull as you repeated what you saw.
“Oh! Yes, I forgot my hair tie when I left this morning so I came back and overheard you telling Joel that he needed a haircut and I thought I might help out and give him one.” Heather smiled at you.
You bit the inside of your cheek. Your gaze flickered to Joel’s who was staring at you from the mirror. He could see the fallen expression on your face and the way that you were holding back your tears.
“I think she can finish my hair Heather.” Joel said without taking his eyes off of you.
“But…” Heather tried to say something else, but he cut her off.
“Thank you.” He said simply.
Heather released a huff before walking towards you and handing you the scissors before leaving.
“C’mere.” He spoke with a gentleness in his tone that you haven’t heard in months. That tone always made you shiver and you felt like he knew that. Of course he did, he’s fucking observant when he wants to be.
You felt like your emotions were going to explode as you stepped towards him. The events of earlier today and now walking in on seeing the person you wanted to punch in the face touching your Joel’s hair… You were either going to punch the man or kiss him depending on his explanation.
“I know you wanted to do it, but she was insistent that she could do it because she used to cut her husband’s hair before he died and she missed it… I had a hard time saying no.” He explained carefully as if he were talking to a stray cat and maybe you were in that moment, but his explanation seemed to apease you enough.
You nodded your head. You didn’t want to argue, not after today. You ran your fingers through his hair before taking a few strands to trim.
“I don’t like how we left off earlier.” You spoke softly.
“I know.” Joel sighed, “I don’t either.”
“I really don’t want to go on patrol with Mikel. I want to stay with you.” You pleaded lightly.
Joel furrowed his brow, “That’s not up for debate.”
“It shouldn’t even be on the table.” You muttered as you took another strand of his hair, a huff passing your lips in frustration, “I don’t like the way she cut your hair.”
Joel chuckled and warmth filled your stomach at the sound, “Then fix it firefly.”
You continued to cut Joel’s hair the way you knew he liked it. The way that it made you want to run your fingers through his hair every second of the day. After some time in a peaceful silence, you spoke up to tell him about the news you heard from Maria and Tommy when you dropped Ellie off earlier.
“I have some good news.” You spoke timidly, “About Heather.”
“What is it?” He asked.
“Well… Maria and Tommy just informed me that Tris will gladly take Heather as a roommate. Apparently, they’ve been getting along really well together since Heather arrived here. Tris’s house is as big as ours and she says feels lonely having the house to herself.”
Joel took a moment to respond before he asked, “Does Heather know about this yet?”
“Not yet.” You whispered, “Maria and Tris are going to come by for lunch tomorrow to talk it over.”
“I see.” Joel nodded.
“Hey.” I giggled lightly as I barely smacked him on the shoulder, “Don’t move your head or do you want to go bald?”
“I prefer my hair thanks.” Joel grumbled with a small chuckle.
You smiled when he held still, “Better.”
When you finished trimming his hair it looked much neater and yet it had an un-tameness to it that made you bite your bottom lip. You felt a terrible idea pop into your head as you set the pair of scissors down before standing behind Joel. He looked at himself in the mirror with contomept.
“It looks good.” He agreed with your thoughts.
You ran your fingers through his hair as if you were smoothing it out until your fingers curled and you began to massaged his scalp.
His reaction was almost immediate as he leaned back against you on the stool. You could see his eyes roll to the back of his head as he let out a quite hm. It made you want to laugh at how pliable he was when you massage his head.
“I like it too.” You murmured to which he couldn’t quite process.
“Mm.” He agreed.
“How was your day?” You asked when you spotted the way his face scrunched up in pain when he moved his body.
“Had to rebuild that fence, go huntin with Tommy.” He murmured with a grunt, “Found a buck.”
“You must be exhausted. It was really cold today.” You continued to massage his head.
“Twas nothin.” He replied, but you knew better. You knew how sore he could get after a long day.
“I think it’s time we should head to bed, hm?” You asked in a soft tone as to not startle him.
“Mmhm.” He agreed without a second thought.
You leaned down a pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head, “Come on then.”
You took the towel off his shoulders before leading him to his bed. He was too exhausted to argue with you as you made him lie down. You took his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and shirt as you covered him with his blanket.
“Good night Joel.” You whispered to him.
Your plan was to sleep on the couch tonight so that he could get some rest. You quietly slipped out of the room once you headed his breath even out. Your footsteps padded across the cold wood floors. You made sure to grab an extra blanket before padding over to the couch that Joel’s been using as a bed this past week. Of course his blanket was neatly folded on the side table with his pillow placed on top.
A small hum slipped passed your lips as you began to make your bed for the night. Hopefully it will be as comfortable as Joel has tried to make you believe.
“You’re really desperate aren’t you.” A voice carried its way from the kitchen entrance.
“Excuse me?” You turned to Heather with a shocked look.
“Desperation it’s dripping off of you like melted snow.” Heather said as if she was talking about the weather, “And your insecurity too, very unflattering might I add. When did your father die? I just want to know when your daddy issues started or have you always had a thing for older men?”
I stood up straight as I glared at you, “Just what’s your plan here? You really think you can throw insults at me and I would just crumble?”
“Oh I’m not insulting you at all. I’m just saying what I see and I don’t see much. Goodnight.” She smiled before walking away, leaving you there fuming.
What in the world was that about?
“I can’t wait for her to get out of my fucking house.” You muttered as you lied down on the couch.
You came to as you felt the warm glow of the sun hit your face. You stretched your arms as you yawned, rolling over to stretch further on your bed. Only you weren’t on your bed and you soon felt gravity as you fell onto the floor with a thud.
“Ow…” You groaned as you blinked your eyes open.
“Mornin.” Came Joel’s deep voice that felt like melted butter and whiskey.
“Fuck… Don’t do that.” You groaned as you rubbed your eyes with the palms of your hand.
His brows furrowed in confusion, “Do what?”
“Say mornin’ like you just came back from doing hard labor.” You huffed.
“But I did just come back from doing that.” He chuckled.
He did? Wait. Is his shirt off?
“Huh?” You asked dazed.
You tilted your head to find him leaning against the entry way with a mug of coffee in his hand, shirt intact. A bubble of disappointment filled your face until you spotted his smirk.
Shit… He knew what I was thinking. Of course he did.
You grumbled incoherent words, no doubt insults towards the older man as you stood up.
Joel watched you get up, he couldn’t help it. His eyes traced the skin visible from where your shirt had risen up as you slept. It was only, but a second before he shook those unwelcome thoughts away.
“Talked with Tommy, Ellie wants you to work with her at the barn.” Joel relayed the message he was given, “She’s waitin for ya.”
“Work at the barn? But I’m not that good with horses…” You sighed lightly in defeat, “But for Ellie, I’ll go get ready.”
“Atta girl.” He was grinning now and you knew he was remembering the last time you tried to saddle up your horse.
You weren’t bad at taking care of and saddling up horses so to say… You just weren’t that good at it either.
“Don’t.” You muttered.
“Wasn’t going to.” He mused as he took a sip of his coffee.
You padded over to him and reached your hand out, “Gimme.”
He raised an eyebrow at you, “Get your own, firefly.”
“I don’t want to get my own. I just want a sip. Please.” You reached towards his mug again.
He didn’t even try to pull it away from you. He just let you grab the mug out of his hand and drink the coffee he made for himself. How he was, the way he acted… It was like before.
Was this all because I massaged his head? You mused to yourself as you took another sip of his coffee. You couldn’t take your eyes off of his rugged handsome face. He looked a lot more rested. You noted.
You also noticed the way his eyes seemed to be staring at the way your lips wrapped around the rim of his mug.
“Morning you two!” The spry voice had you jumping.
You had forgotten that she was here.
“Morning.” Joel greeted.
You nodded at her, not wanting to greet her with a good morning after the way she spoke to you last night. You wondered if you should tell Joel what she said… Then you wondered if he would believe you over her.
He was in such a good mood though, you didn’t want to ruin anything.
“Tris and Maria are coming by for lunch, they want to talk to you about something.” You said to her as politely as you possibly could.
“They did? Well I don’t have any work today so I suppose I can tidy up the house a bit and make lunch for when they arrive.” Heather agreed.
As long as she agrees to moving out then I don’t care what she does.
Heather then poured herself a cup of coffee before looking towards Joel, “Do you want a cup handsome?” She asked him with a light tone.
A scowl made its way onto your face. You held up the mug you were holding towards her.
“He’s got some, but thanks.” You stated smugly as you handed Joel his coffee mug back.
He brought his mug up to his lips and took a sip from where your lips were just moments before. He looked none the wiser at the two women about to scratch each other’s eyes out. Of course he didn’t. Joel was never good at feelings.
You could see a scowl quickly appear and disappear on Heather’s face before she was back to her cheerful self.
“Okay, well there’s more here if anyone wants some.” She said before taking a sip.
You left the two and emerged fifteen minutes later dressed and ready to head out. Joel who was now sitting at the kitchen table with Heather talking about how Joel had to go help his brother today so he couldn’t help Heather clean the house.
You stepped up beside Joel, standing next to him while he remained seated. You ran your right hand through his freshly trimmed haircut, something that he didn’t mind at all.
“I’m going to head out to see Ell’s. Do you want me to pick up anything while I’m gone?” You asked him and only him.
Heather was leaving soon. You thought dismissively. Good riddance.
“We’re out of carrots. Maybe the two of you can stop by the garden and pick some up?” Joel asked.
You nodded your head as your hand traveled down to the side of his neck, “Anything else?” You asked as you rubbed the sliver of skin that wasn’t hidden by his flannel.
“No…” Joel said, his voice much lower than before as he glanced down at his coffee mug.
You gave Heather a triumphant look before stepping away, “See you later.” You waved them off before leaving.
It wasn’t long before I was met with an excited Elli who jumped on my back the moment she saw me.
“Soooo? How did it go? Was my leaving all for not?” She pressed, wanting to get all the gossip, “Shall I get my pitchfork?”
“I think everything went well.” I said as I smiled softly to myself.
I carried her over to the stables, trying my best not to topple over with the growing girl. I aware she was getting taller by the day.
“Maria told me that Heather’s finally leaving!” Ellie fist pumped the air by my head, “Dude, I swear she is weird as hell. Definitely hiding a bomb or something.”
I laughed as I set her down by the barn doors, “I couldn’t agree with you more.”
I faced her with my hands on my hips, “Now little bug. What is our mission today?”
A wide grin spread across her face as she clapped her hands, “Have you ever trimmed hooves before?”
My face fell, “Don’t tell me…”
“Yep!” Ellie exclaimed, “Get ready to possibly be bit, stepped on, and kicked.”
My eyes widened at her words.
“Let’s get to it!” Ellie stated as she grew open the barn doors.
“Oh boy.” I sighed, but followed my daughter nonetheless.
The sun was high in the sky by the time you and Ellie were walking down our street. The two of you were holding hands as Ellie swung your linked hands as hard as she could. Your other hand was carrying a small bag of carrots that Joel had asked for and you hoped he’d be pleased that you remembered.
The two of you were laughing as Ellie recounted your great fail at trying to keep Buttercup still.
“I still can’t believe she pushed you over.” Ellie laughed as you both walked into the house, “Joel!” She yelled.
The two of your were giggling as you entered the living room to find the two of them on the couch. Heather was in a mess of tears, clinging to Joel who was trying to console her.
“Uh…” Ellie’s voice trailed off in confusion, “What’s going on?”
You left to place the bag of carrots on the kitchen counter before returning to the living room to listen to Joel explain.
“She’s having a panic attack.” Joel explained as Heather buried her face into his shirt.
He was quick to pull her into his side and settle her. That movement made you frown as you watched the two. Why the hell is she snuggling up to him? Why is he allowing it?
“About what?” You asked as you looked between the two skeptically.
“About leaving. She doesn’t want to go.” Joel explained.
“I’m sorry!” Heather sobbed and you couldn’t tell if she was really crying or if she was that good of an actress.
“It’s just I don’t feel comfortable around anyone else.” She continued, her voice laced with guilt and remorse.
“What do you mean? You and Tris get along great. I know that because she told me that herself.” You crossed your arms, not buying the ‘I’m scared act’, “She said that you two go out for lunch together almost everyday.”
“I know, but that’s different than living with someone. She’s the first friend that I made here and I just don’t want to ruin it. I can’t bring myself to leave, I’m so sorry dear.” Heather carried on as she wiped her tears.
You sighed, not liking the idea of trying to console her, but you would use any means if it would get her out. It’s been weeks now and you’ve just about had enough, especially after last night.
“I’m sure to won’t be too bad.” You tried to persuade her, “It might be nice living with someone your age.”
“But you have proved it yourself that’s not the case.” She countered as she motioned to Joel and Ellie.
“I’m just gonna go…” Ellie made a motion to go upstairs and you nodded before she ran away.
Lucky girl.
“I don’t want to be a burden to any of you. I really am sorry for my decision, please don’t hate me.” Heather insisted, “I really would love for us to be friends.”
You tried not to roll your eyes. Like hell you want to be friends and you you’ve been a burden since you set foot through my door.
“I’m sorry, hate you?” You huffed as you popped your hip out with a knowing look, “After what you said last night, that word doesn’t even cover it. So yeah I do. Now get the fuck out of my house.”
“Be nice.” Joel scolded with a low tone directed towards me.
“You don’t know what she—“ You tried to explain what happened last night. How small she made you feel, but Heather wouldn’t allow it.
She leaned into Joel as her panic attack rose, “I didn’t say anything I swear I didn’t. I just want to belong here. You saved me Joel, please don’t abandon me. I can’t bear the thought of being alone.”
“I won’t abandon you… You can stay here.” Joel insisted which made your blood boil.
Was he being serious right now?
“Joel.” You turned your attention to him, trying your best to keep from shouting, “Can I talk to you for a minute in private?”
Joel nodded his head before following out to the front porch.
“You can’t let her stay.” You said the moment the door shut behind you both.
“She said that she thought it over some more and she wouldn’t feel comfortable living with someone she doesn’t really know.” He sighed.
But she’s been living with us. I wanted to say, but I held my tongue.
“Please just trust me.” You grabbed his arm with a pleading look on your face, “I’m being serious right now Joel. You don’t know her that well. Hell, none of us do. I swear she’s been acting strange the moment you brought her here. First my room, then breakfast and taking over my tasks, trying to cut your hair. Not to mention the fact that she said that I—”
You could see the way his face came to a conclusion of something and you had hoped that maybe then he was realizing what you had been seeing since day one, but of course… You were wrong.
“You’re jealous.” He stated simply.
“What?” You shook your head at the audacity of this man, “No, I’m not.”
He pulled his arm from your grip, “Yes. Yes you are. That’s why you’ve been acting like she has some kind of vendetta against you. She told me you were jealous and that’s why you have been mean to her, but I didn’t think you would go this far to push her out of our lives after the horror she’s experienced.”
You felt a strong punch to your gut as you listened to him speak. The way he spoke about her as if your feelings meant nothing to him made you want to scream.
“She’s the nicest person in this town and has been nothing, but kind to you and Ellie. She’s scared and you’re only making it worse for her to settle in here.” He finished with a sigh.
She doesn’t know us. You don’t understand. Why won’t you listen? You thought angrily.
“Are you being serious right now?” You glared at him, “You’re… You’re defending her over me?”
“I’m not defending no one. I’m saying that you’re taking this too far.” He ran a hand through his unruly hair with a huff, “You need to put your feelings aside for me and realize that she just wants to feel at home somewhere. After what she’s been through, she needs comfort and we can give that to her.”
Angry tears formed in your eyes, but you held them back. You couldn’t believe what Joel was saying and it hurt how much he wasn’t listening to you.
“Fuck you and fuck her comfort! I don’t feel comfortable! Right now. Right here. Hell, this past week I have felt anything but comfort. I feel unwelcome in my own home Joel.” You cried out.
“Don’t do this firefly. You need to start letting people in. That’s what you told me when we first met remember?” He placed a hand on your shoulder, “Who knows… Maybe it’s best that she stays. The three of you can help each other feel at home here.”
“Her help us? We’ve been just fine on our own, thank you. The three of us! No more and no less!” You shoved him which barely made him move.
He remained silent as he let you rant, his hand falling back to his side.
“I don’t want her here. I want her gone Joel.” You stated firmly, “Ellie doesn’t want her here either.”
Joel sigh as he crossed his arms, “Heather told me about the things you said to her last night. The horrible things you said to her and the threats you made.” Joel said suddenly with a disapproving tone to his voice, “I thought you were better than that especially after what you went through. I thought you of all people would make someone feel welcomed.”
You felt small under his gaze as you tried to explain yourself, “Of course I would try to make everyone feel welcome and I did Joel. I did try, but she…” Your brows furrowed, “I didn’t say anything to her last night…” Your eyes widened at the realization of what she was doing. She was pitting Joel against you with lies and it was working… Again.
That final thought made you snap as you stepped away from Joel.
“That bitch.” You seethed as you rushed into the house.
“What are you doing? Wait! Don’t!” Joel yelled from behind you, but you were on a mission.
You bounded up the steps, much faster than Joel could as you raced to your room. You had a feeling that she was gloating with her new success in making Joel turn against you. Of course she did, she was downright evil. The door banged against the wall as you shoved it open, finding her sitting at the foot of your bed.
“How dare you come into my home and try to turn him against me.” You sneered as you took quick steps towards her, “I didn’t say anything to you, it was you who has been fucking with me ever since you’ve gotten here! What is your goal here? To take over my life?”
Heather’s eyes widened as an anxious expression appeared on her face, “I have no idea what you are talking about dear—”
It was such a relief seeing her skin turn red as you finally got the chance to slap her across her smug face. Her scream did nothing to stop your anger from rising.
You swiftly grabbed the collar of her shirt before she could get up and run. You wanted to make your threat clear as you glared down at her, “You’re not welcome here.”
Her expression went from panicked to calm as she relaxed in your grip. It unnerved you as you watched her persona change so quickly.
“Oh, but I think I am.” Heather whispered with a smirk, “And soon nobody here will feel safe. Not even your precious Ellie.”
That hit a nerve in you at the mention of Ellie’s name.
“Fuck you.” You spat in her face as you lunged yourself on top of her.
You pinned her down to the bed as she gasped for breath. Your hands wrapped around her throat and she desperately tried to claw at your hands, but nothing nudged you.
The only thing that you could feel was a motherly rage at the mention of Ellie not being safe. You would burn this entire town down before letting that happen.
Die. Die. Die. Die.
It was a blink of an eye before you were roughly pulled off of her and thrown into your old dresser. The dresser shook and a picture frame of you, Joel, and Ellie toppled to the ground with a sickening crack. You gasped at the impact as pain rippled through your side and you had a feeling that it would be bruised in the morning.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” Joel raised his voice, directing his anger towards you.
“You don’t understand!” You yelled at him as you gripped onto the dresser to keep yourself from falling to the floor, “Can you not see it or are you too blinded by the helpless victim act?”
“I think you should leave tonight.” Joel stated, his eyes flickered to you leaning into the dresser, but said nothing of it. He wasn’t aware of how much strength he used when he pulled you off of Heather. The only thing currently running through his head was not seeing anyone die tonight.
“What? Leave?” You looked up at him confused, “Did you not hear a word I just said? She is using you!”
Joel sighed, “What could she possibly be using me for? I have nothing to offer.” He shook his head, “I think it’s best you leave and clear your head. Maybe when you get some space you will see that she is not a threat.”
You looked at the woman who cowered on the bed, out of view from Joel, but not from you. You could see the victory in her eyes as she watched Joel protect her and not you.
You looked back to Joel with an empty feeling in your chest, “I want you to remember this moment when you realize I’m right, Miller. Goodbye.”
You swiftly stepped out of the room, ignoring the throbbing pain in your side. You saw Ellie peer out from her room with a concerned and scared expression on her face.
“What… What’s going on?” She asked with a timid voice, “Are you leaving? You’re leaving me?”
You shook your head as tears filled your eyes and quickly pulled her into a hug despite the pain you were feeling, “No of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to stay with Tommy and Maria tonight, but listen…” You looked back and saw that neither of them had followed you out of the room.
You looked back towards Ellie and whispered in her ear, “Heather is dangerous. I don’t know what she has planned or why yet, but I need you to keep your knife close and keep an eye on Joel l until I figure it out okay?”
“Okay.” Ellie nodded, “I will, I promise.” Her eyes suddenly looked past your shoulder to Joel who was walking out of your room.
“I love you, my daughter.” You kissed her on the top of her head before quickly making your way downstairs, “See you later bug.”
“Love you too mom… See you later…” You heard her broken voice say as you walked out the front door.
Summary : A week after your last encounter with Joel, you get an unexpected visit.
It's time to try, to forgive, to accept.
It's time to realize you're too tired to fight and you're not the only one.
There is a mirror in the cabin you’ve been living in. Hung above a tiny sink, it’s horizontal, wide, framed by pieces of wood cut to look like half logs.
It’s tacky and cheap but it does fit the overall lodge atmosphere tourists used to look for.
You covered it after your first week but today you decided to take off the blanket and look at yourself.
The bruise spreads over your face like a splatter of paint on a white canvas. It’s gross and big, already fading from a dark green at the center to a purple at the edge.
It’s not pretty.
You haven’t been in quite some time, but you know Joel looks far worse.
Your reflection smiles. Yes. It was satisfying. After everything you’ve been through, you had every right to put yourself first and to hurt him. It was the statement that he needed to see.
You weren’t a desperate little girl. You might have followed an easier path than him but in the end, you also survived when many people died.
It had to mean something.
Yet, your heart wasn’t in the right place since you’ve been back. A feeling you couldn’t quite place like a missing piece of a puzzle and after a few days, the satisfaction faded into something wrong.
What if he never made it back home?
No. The bastard was too robust. He had survived worse. It’s not two bolts that would kill him and still you worried and it drove you mad.
After everything he had done. Everything he had put you through your sick brain felt sorry for him.
It was irrational and ridiculous, but the torment followed you every night, embracing you, strangling you in your sleep, turned your dreams into nightmares.
Each night you killed him. Each night the bolts sank in his heart, in his head.
Each night you woke up screaming only to find yourself sweating and alone.
You hated him.
For hurting you, for haunting you, for ripping a piece of your heart and tossing it away.
“ Fuck him,”
You glance at yourself, at the poor silhouette, the two lines between your eyebrows that anger built, the sunken cheeks, the dark circles.
It was all his fault.
Ellie.
The hospital.
The Fireflies.
Marlene.
Tommy.
You.
One common denominator, a stupid old man choked in grief who’d rather drag everyone in his darkness than chose to heal.
And you fell for him.
Your shoulders tense and a sudden surge of rage spreads through your body when the dreadful clacking of hooves startles you. You go still; with your ears pricked, you remain alert even If your heart beats louder.
One horse.
Two.
Metallic clanks.
Could be anyone.
Could be raiders.
You close your eyes and you reach for your chest, the hooves closing in the distance echoing your heartbeat.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Fuck.
Relaxation won’t help you out of this.
You stumble to your crossbow and walk to the entrance of your cabin. The riders are approaching from the opposite side. You can still ambush them and shoot from behind so you creep along the walls, moving like a shadow, disappearing between the different cabins up to the main road of the whole lodge, waiting for the horses to arrive in your line of sight.
They get closer. You arm your crossbow and assert your grip, finger on the trigger then wait until they emerge.
But when they do, you drop your weapon and run out in the street, exposing yourself in the open at the view of the familiar faces.
As soon as she sees you, Elena jumps down and runs in your direction, collapsing into your arms so fiercely you drop your weapon and stagger backward before wrapping your arms around your friend.
“Thank God you’re okay, oh I’m so sorry, he wasn’t supposed to find out, I’m sorry,”
The woman talks but the words don’t make sense anymore because you only look at him.
The man whose fate lingered in your head for weeks dismounts his horse in a hoarse grunt, his face closed off, then walks in your direction, his legs carrying him in a visible effort.
Elena moves aside.
“ Tommy,” your throat locks halfway, “ You…you’re alive,”
Tommy winces, “Part of me is… I guess,”
You see him.
For the first time in what seems forever, you truly see him and your heart bleeds.
Besides the bandage wrapped around his head and covering his right eyes, the weight he’s lost in his face and his overall pale skin, it’s the darkness in his gaze that frightens you.
Tommy closes the distance between you, but you recoil, unsure about what he’s going to do. His eyebrow drops and in the long sigh he exhales, you see something else.
Exhaustion.
Not the anger of a man who got shot in the head but the weariness of one who fought for too long.
The fatigue of a man who fought for his life only to discover the world around him burned to ashes.
And for what ? Nothing.
His face suddenly closes off as your gaze lingers too much on his injury and your heart skips a beat when he closes in.
“ I’m sorry Tommy, I didn’t want—
He crashes onto you and squeezes you like an old friend while you stay there with your arms hanging loose, not sure of what’s happening.
Your body, after so many weeks, is craving for more and you lean in his arms, nudging your face in his chest, his warm skin breaking the walls you’ve built around you.
It shouldn’t be. He should hate you, be angry but no. Tommy was everything you and Joel were not.
Tommy was good.
The embrace lasts longer than you deserve but you don’t want to let go. You want to stay there, in that bubble of peace, his beard scratching along your forehead, his loose curl hovering on your skin. Even his medicinal breath is comforting at this point.
Eventually, he breaks the embrace, “let’s talk,” he says in a serious tone, his voice carrying with it the burden of a heavy conversation ahead.
You nod, not fond of what lies ahead, then point towards your cabin.
“That’s… that’s where I sleep, we can go there,”
“Go ahead,”
They both follow you into your cabin only to observe all the mess you’ve made in what was your home for the past weeks.
“At least you’ve decorated nicely,” Elena blurts out.
You’re too tired to laugh or search for a witty answer but one look from Tommy and the young woman represses any further comment.
Tommy steps in and scrutinizes everything, the bloody clothes on the floor, the fruit baskets, the dirt on the wood. Survival is etched in every item that belongs to you and though you look ashamed, there is no judgment in his eyes, only the same exhaustion, the same fatigue plastered in the weary lines of his face.
Tommy is choosing his fights, and the tidiness of your cabin isn’t one of them.
“Want something to drink? It’s a long way from Jackson,”
Elena opens her mouth but Tommy cuts her.
“We’re good thanks,”
“Then let’s sit on the terrace, might be better to talk,”
“I’ll wait for you inside,” Elena mumbles slowly.
Tommy agrees and one exchange with the woman tells you she now knows more about the situation.
You open the door and drag two chairs in front of the wooden railings, your mouth dry, your heart pumping so hard, your chest wants to explode.
Your cabin has a view of Jackson Lake. It’s quiet, the perfect place in a world torn into pieces.
A peaceful haven for worn out souls.
Tommy sits before you do, dropping heavily on the chair like an old man in a grunt. He tries to hide it, but you know him enough to understand the pain he’s in. His face strains, his jaw locked into armor, his eyes fleeting away so he won’t catch you pity him.
He looks older, white streaks sprinkling his black beard and moustache, his hair tied in a ponytail. Were they already there before or were you too self-absorbed to notice ?
Even his nose seems more crooked than before.
You don’t even dare to think what else has changed.
He spreads his long legs on the floor and soaks in the view like the escape he’s been looking for, his eyes skimming the surface of the water.
The moment stretches and the air thickens. The peaceful place Tommy allows himself to escape remains unchanged, the sun shining upon the surface, turning the water into diamonds. His face softens and lets out a long sigh.
“I always wondered why Maria never wanted to settle there,” he mutters.
His face softens and his chest rises and falls deeply like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s seen in a long time.
The mountain looks like they’re watching over you, guarding the whole lake, high and massive, covered in snow despite the summer heat.
“Would have been perfect right?”
“Exactly,” he pauses, “so perfect we would have forgotten in what world we live in, let our guard down, I didn’t see it at the the time, but she did,”
“She was smart,”
“The smartest, always making the tough decisions… She knew what she wanted up to the very end,”
You fidget with your fingers, ripping skin around your nail, using the stinging pain to distract you from whatever is happening in your head.
“ I’m sorry,” your voice breaks, “I’m sorry Tommy, for all of it,”
His jaw fidgets but the exhaustion turns into something else and when he finally turns his face towards you, you only see regrets.
“ I’m not your failure, you didn’t…you didn’t do this to me,” he points at his face, “ I did,”
“ That’s not true… if I had listened to you, none of this would have happened but I was too selfish, I should—
“ it doesn’t matter anymore, what’s done is done and now we all have to deal with the consequences,”
His fingers fidget on the armrest of his chair and his jaw tenses. The consequences ?
A no man’s land of broken trust and relationships, the realization that maybe none of it was real and in the middle of it, Tommy, a man who should have been spared the war you brought upon Jackson.
For weeks Tommy had wondered how he and Joel ended up there but it has always been obvious. Joel was a tyrant and he loved him anyway. The further away he was going from him, the more Tommy tried to hold on, trying to see through him and bring back the man he once was.
He never thought you could have done it. He hated that you lied to Joel, but he hated even more that you were right because for a short time, Joel softened and opened himself in a way not even Tess managed to.
“ for what it’s worth, I knew it wouldn’t end well… I thought I thought I could live with it… I…I didn’t think…”
Your chest and you exhale deeply before covering his shaky hand with yours.
“ You saved my life Tommy, I will be forever grateful for it…but why did you risk your life after everything I’ve put you through ?”
He shrugs and glances at you, a real heartbroken gaze in which you can almost see the answer.
“ Because I knew my brother would have regretted it as soon as he pulled the trigger…”
The silence steals the air from his lungs. His foot taps the wood. And somewhere among his husky breath, you get a sense of what he’s gonna say next.
“ Because somewhere a part of me still loves you,”
You freeze and clears you throat, avoiding his stare.
“ Tommy I—
“ It doesn’t matter anymore,”
“ Then what does ? Why are you even here, telling me you love me and then what going back to Jackson ?”
“ Come with us,”
Three words. An invitation. A plea. A fantasy you didn’t think could be within your reach.
“ I don’t need your help,”
You stand up and lean on the rail, turning your back away but he joins you after struggling to stand up.
“ Have you already started to cut wood ?”
You frown.
“ What ?”
“ It’s almost September and you haven’t started to prepare for winter so—
“ You can thank your brother for that, he fucked my hand I can’t do shit anymore,” you snarl, struck by the terribles images of Joel impaling you on the table.
“ that makes two of us, but that’s not the point,” he grumbles, “we’re already low on resources… I need them for my people, it’s up to you decide if you want to be one of them or not, the choice is yours, ”
“ you don’t understand Tommy, I—
“ I do understand very well, I see you looking like a mess,” he shifts to you and lean on his right shoulder, “I said what I said… my feelings for you haven’t changed, there is nothin’ I can do about that … but I don’t want to worry about you ‘nymore…I don’t have the time,”
Your lungs collapses and your heart halts for a brief moment but he holds your gaze hostage and you don’t dare break it away.
“ I’m a cripple, I’m weak, I’m exhausted, I can’t afford to worry about you when winter comes and be damn sure Elena won’t brin’ you supplies anymore…If anythin’, I’m not helpin’ you, I’m doin’ this for myself, for the people worth fighting for,”
You bite your inner cheek, eyes quivering from his piercing eye,“ I’m sorry Tommy, I truly am,”
“ Don’t, I stand by my choices but it doesn’t mean I’ll accept your apologies,”
“ I—
“ Out of everyone…why him ?” he asks, his torment leaking through his composed mask, “ Why did you have to pick my brother ? told you he wasn’t a good man, I told you he would hurt you and…”
He stops, already too carried away, then reaches his bandages in a groan of pain.
“ The same way you still love me after everythin’, It…it just happened,”
Tommy slams his hand in the air but he gives up halfway, his anger repressed by his own guilt, then smacks his lips in disdain, fighting against his own tears.
“ You hated each other…you despised him, he couldn’t stand you,”
You scoff and an empty laughter escapes your throat.
“ Guess we’re back to square one then,”
“ We’ll see ‘bout that,”
Tommy straightens himself then steps away but you grab his hand, and even himself is surprised by the sudden strength you demonstrate.
“ What are you talking about ? You’ve seen him, you see me now, there is no going back,”
He gets dangerously close to you, to the point you can almost smell his healing wound, a faint and earthy, or even metallic scent that reminds you of blood but also the mud after the rain.
No aged leather, no cedar wood.
“ You think you know him,” he whispers, his moustache quivering over his lips, “ but you still don’t… I do… I spent years with him, I suffered him, I survived all the crap he put me through and I can assure you, the Joel I know would have killed you without hesitation, and yet you’re still here,”
“ Joel spared me because he shot you instead, because you jumped,”
“ Exactly, my brother would have tortured Marlene exactly how he did and then do exactly the same to you without flinchin’,”
“ So what ? Do you expect me to come back and pretend nothing happened ?”
“ No, I’m tellin’ you that you were right, there’s still some good in him, I’m damn sure he won’t ever kill hurt you again, ”
“ Don’t be ridiculous Tommy, you promised me that in Winter and look at us !”
Tommy pouts and tears himself from your grip as if your hand was a hot iron. The struggle is visible and the cracked mask that he tries to keep on slips the more he talks about his brother.
“ The choice is yours, we can leave now, with or without you, and if we do, we won’t be back,”
His face darkens.
Tommy Miller, the younger brother, the one who had to endure and survive Joel, put aside his humanity to do so, was now trying his best to prove he was worth of having it back and yet, the thought of always coming second was the thing breaking him apart.
Always the savior, never the chosen.
You ache for him, grieving the peaceful months you had together, when love and life were easier.
Tommy loved and cared for you still, exactly when you needed it.
It. Not him. It.
Exactly how it happened last year.
You arrived and he offered you the safety and comfort you needed, when you were at your lowest, when everything was still your fault… when Troy died because of you, back when you thought you ruined humanity’s one chance for a cure.
You loved Tommy’s smile, the charming way he had to flirt with you, his warmth, the humanity he reflected upon you. For those months you soaked in his light when in reality you were just draining him.
You didn’t need him. You needed the safety. You needed to be seen. Neither of the two could provide both.
To be safe.
To be seen.
To stay here and survive.
To come back and endure.
“ I need time…to make a decision. Stay for the night, take some rest, there are other cabins if you needs, with showers,”
Tommy ignores you and opens the window, stepping one foot inside while Elena approaches, cautious to not interrupt anything, almost wiser than usual.
“ It takes eight hours to come all the way up here, if not more, it would be stupid to leave now,” you add, “ just one night,”
The two of them glance at each other but Tommy’s defeated and exhausted look doesn’t hold a chance against Elena’s determination.
“ She’s right, if not for us we gotta let the horses rest,”
Tommy flickers from the two of you, ambushed and sighs.
“ Fine,”
The air is breathable again and the tension in everyone’s shoulder lift. You show the shower to Tommy then offer to guide Elena to another cabin.
Tommy thanks you with a simple nod but Elena seems delighted to have you for yourself once you both get out and leave him alone. The nearest cabin is barely thirty meters away but you make sure to walk slower than you would.
“ Thank you,” you finally blurt out after a few minutes “ for everything,”
“ You’re welcome,”
You stroll the path, followed by a settling silence that only grows stranger and unnatural the further you go, Elena’s eyes trying to get a glimpse of your injured hand.
“ Why didn’t you tell me Joel pushed you out ?” she sniffs, “ I…we would have found a solution,”
You shake your head, dismissive, “ Then what ? you’ve seen what he’s done, it was the only solution, let’s…let’s not talk about it anymore,”
“ Tommy is right, you should come back, then we’ll fix what needs to be fixed,”
“ Elena please—
“ I lied to him… I said you were gone,” she exhales, “ He would have gone for you immediately but you should have seen him…seven weeks, he was in so much pain…I couldn’t tell him anymore and then…Joel figured it out and then you…you know the rest…”
There is something at the tip of her mouth, heavier, something that she can’t admit or inform you. She swallows and avoid your gaze for what feels like forever but you don’t have the patience for mind games now.
“ Spit it out,”
Elena rubs her hands together then darts her brown eyes on you, her mouth torn in her natural pout, “ You know I have my reasons to despise Joel and you know what Tommy means to me, but I swear when he admitted what he’s done to you, the roles just…reversed,”
“ What do you mean ?” You frown.
“ He was terrifying…He jumped him you know, punched him so hard I really thought he would kill him…but…Joel didn’t even fight back,”
She hates to admit that she cared for him for a short time and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
“ I had to stop him…I…I never thought Tommy would be capable of—
“ Hurting people ?” you finish for her, “ You’re supposed to know him more than I do,”
From her reaction you understand that Tommy didn’t tell her half of what he had told you. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin the idea Elena and the rest of the town had of him, but you don’t have time for the illusion anymore.
“ They survived together for years, but they did so by murdering lots of people, innocent or not…He has changed now, but he’s not the ideal man you think he is,”
Elena tenses and closes herself off.
“ No that’s not—
“ We are all pieces of shit Elena, get this in your head. Sure Tommy changed and tries to make amend but it doesn’t mean you know him and what he’s capable of doing,” you stop in front of a cabin and show her the way, “ Help yourself, I’ll go back and we will wait for you,”
Elena doesn’t comment on your cold tone, using your long time of isolation as an excuse, but you realize you’ve been too far. You’d be dead without her. Twice.
“ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lash out, I…It’s been hard out there,”
“ It’s okay, I’ll hold this against you for later,”
She smiles a bit and you feel relieved. Now wasn’t the time to upset her.
“ Take your time, there are probably, twenty five years old towels inside, but the water should be running, we’ll be waiting,”
Your friend agrees and you turn your back, quick to head back, wondering how badly Tommy hurt his brother.
Your heart beating in a way it shouldn’t.
However, when you walk in, Tommy stands in front of the tiny mirror, topless, struggling to wrap the bandage over his eye. You’re about to turn back when your eyes are drawn to the scars plastered all over his wet back, his shoulders and probably on his chest too.
The black hat flashes across your head and with it everything that happened in that cursed cabin. The burning metal sizzles against his skin and his screams ricochet all over again. The pressure on your body, the belt unbuckling, Marlene, Tommy, Joel.
I got you I got you.
I despise you.
You stagger on the door’s threshold and gasp, startling Tommy who flinches harder than he would have before. He shudders and hides his face, dropping the bandages on the floor.
“ I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,”
He turns his back, exposing his thinner back and scars, “ Leave me please, gotta do this ‘lone,”
A storm takes over your body, stranding your heart in the middles of crashing waves. The more you look at him, the smaller it gets, lost and insignificant in the darkness of the ocean.
You stagger towards him, then, pushed by guilt or something more insidious, your reach for his back, “ You don’t have to,”
He tenses under your touch, skin quivering like you’re nothing but a fly and his shoulders hunch, resisting the urge to shove you away. Your linger there for too long, but Tommy doesn’t move and keeps his head hidden. You trail a map, not between the freckles you fell asleep looking at, but between the constellations of scars, the uneven raised ridges of burned scars that melted under the metal.
His head disappears further “ Please go…I don’t want you to see me like that…I’m…I’m a freak,”
“ Look at me,”
Your hand slides over his left shoulder and you wipe the leftovers waterdrops rolling down his skin, feeling the wild pulse of his heart along the way. His mind is in shambles, guilt and shame intertwined, choking each other the more you touch him but he can’t escape.
He doesn’t want to. Your hand is the closest thing he’s had to comfort him.
You lean and whisper, “ Look at me Tommy, let me help,”
You cup his head, your hand low on his cheekbone, brushing along his badly shaved beard and forces him up until the sun hits his gaping wound.
“ Please…” he tries to jerk away but there is no conviction left in him and he lets his head falls in the palm of your hand, “ I don’t want you to see me like that,”
The sun hits the weary lines on his forehead and the shaky eyebrows that frame what used to be his eye. Your heart skips a beat but you get a grip on yourself, hiding the mixed emotions building up.
Disgust. Guilt. Pity.
Nothing. There’s nothing left. A hole, eyelids stitched shut, whatever surgery has been done wasn’t made by someone who knew what they were doing.
But at least it’s healing. There’s no blood, no bruises anymore, just the skin pushing against the strong stitches with a pinkish tint.
You caress his face, fingers brushing along the edges of the wound, on the bristles of his beard.
Your lips curl, “ You’re beautiful…don’t you ever hide from me, from anyone,”
A muscle flexes in his jaw but he doesn’t hide himself anymore and after a few seconds in which he finds some comfort he stares at you.
A glimmer passes over his face and the light of something undeserving shines through the cracks of his mask. Tommy is still there, hidden, sheltered away behind walls of self-control.
“ Am I a monster for wishing you never came into our lives ?”
Your fingers stand still until the words settle in.
“ Sometimes I wish Marlene had killed Joel in that damn hospital, it’s human, we try to find a way to ease our pain,”
“ I have nothing to ease mine…everything I—
You kiss his cheekbone and shut him down. Right there under his wound, your lips press against his freckled skin.
You are cautious, reverend. You don’t push. You don’t give him any empty promise.
Tommy leans in the temporary bliss, his skin shivering from your lips while you cup his jaw.
Neither of you is confused. There is no bad intention , no lie, just the understanding that you won’t hurt each other anymore.
Peace thaws his heart and he finds himself forgetting about the pain in his eyes, in his bruised knuckles, in his body that aged too quick in the past months.
The peace won’t last. You both know that. It can’t last. Soon you’ll be back into the storm, but for now, forgiveness settles in your silence, filling the holes of your stolen missing parts.
A tear roll on your hand, then another.
You pull away and wipe them of his skin before giving him a smile he cant believe he’s witnessing again.
“ I’ll never hurt you again, I promise,”
Tommy doesn’t really answer but the hint of smile tugs his mouth as he understands you’ll go back with them to Jackson, soon followed by a shadow clouding his eyes.
It disappears before you get a good glimpse of it and Tommy straightens himself.
“ Let’s go back to Jackson first, we’ll think ‘bout promises later, alright ?”
“ Sure, now let me help please,”
He protests, but before your insistent gaze, he gives up and surrenders himself to you. You prepare a new dressing then wrap the bandage over his head in a much cleaner way than the previous one but whenever you apply too much pressure, his fist tightens around the fabric of your shirt, letting his knuckle brush against your stomach.
Once you’re done, he almost looks ashamed and puts on his shirt back before Elena comes back, right on time.
She notices the shift between you but she doesn’t say anything, she knows better.
The evening came quicker than you thought and with it the nostalgia of bonfire gatherings. At some point Elena ask you to join her by the water where she starts skipping rock on the surface. She forces you to try and after a few reluctant and failed tries, Tommy and you both relax and find a semblance of pleasure that loosens your tongue and heart.
Eventually her contagious laugh breaks your last defense and you end up making a competition of who can skip the best.
It’s funny. It’s useless.
It’s needed.
The ridiculous game brings you back to more pleasant times, and for one hour or so, Jackson disappears.
No more Cordyceps.
No more Joel.
Just the frivolity of rocks clashing against the water, the serenity of the cold water soothing your worn out legs and the casualty of it all.
There is no past, no future, just a present only shared by three of you, away from everythin.
When you all sit down on the terrace later and contemplate the sun setting behind the mountains, flowers bloom in your cold heart and for the first time you feel it ; the serenity of a life you haven’t lived.
And somewhere, deep in your hollow heart, beating weak but alive, hope.
Again.
Small talks, memories of better times, and even Elena’s awful singing sprinkle the evening, all to avoid the three of you to fall in a guilty silence. Tommy is more open with the young woman than he is with you but you cant blame him. She had never let him down, always trusted and helped him.
You enjoy watching them chat but Tommy catches you from time to time and a smile poke at his lips each time.
Not much happens later, you chat, mostly listening to Elena’s blabbering, rocked by the conversations like a lullaby until Tommy calls it a night.
He offers to sleep in another cabin nearby without ceremony, the tired inflexion of his voice telling you there is no place for arguing, and he disappears in the night after you both lock eyes one last time.
In that short exchange, his sad eye soaked in yours, he smiles. Not the polite and hushed smile but something broader, a smile filled with the hope that everything will be better.
A short goodnight silently mouthed and he’s gone, leaving you and Elena in the quiet of the cabin.
After a cold shower, you drop on our bed, your heart ticking faster when you think about the following days when she turns towards you.
“ Is it true Joseph was a spy or whatever this whole time ?”
Your heart skips a beat at the name. You haven’t thought of him in a long time. You don’t really owe her an answer on this matter but you feel compelled to.
“ Yes,”
“ And he and the other Fireflies wanted to get you out ?”
“ Yes,”
“ Would you have gone with them if Joel and Tommy didn’t come ?”
Your chest tightens and your right fist clenches for the first time. Your knuckles and palm like hell but the question brings you back to the house and for the first time your right hand can move to its full extent.
“ If I had gone with them, none of this would have happened, Tommy would still be Tommy and Joel…Joel—
“ Would look for you everywhere right ?” She smacks her lips, “ I don’t think any of it would have changed,”
“ Joel needed to learn the truth one day or another, I just wish it had been different,”
“ So it’s true what he said ? You, the fireflies, the vaccine, the girl he brought ?”
“ Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t have lied to you too, I—
“ I’m sorry you had to carry this for so long, now it can only get better right ?”
You heave, a long sigh you didn’t know you were holding, a weight that seems to lift as the young woman looks at you with caring eyes.
“ When Maria found me, I was carrying so much guilt for what happened to my sister that I stopped talking,” she rolls on her back and looks at the ceilings, “ It took me months before I could even say a word, but eventually it got better, so give him some time, Tommy will forgive you,”
“ It’s not him I’m afraid of,”
Joel. You didn’t truly believe Tommy. Joel wanted to kill you s much as he wanted to…die. One way or another you didn’t want any of it.
“ yeah, we will see tomorrow how it goes, we left without telling him… he won’t be pleased,”
You growl, your voice rasp in your throat, “ Great, everything we needed,”
“ Don’t worry, it will be fine,”
Will it though ? Your chest tightens. After everything that happened, not killing each other felt like an impossible outcome.
You were too far gone. Both of you. Carried away by emotions stronger than your morals, both lost in your own darkness.
You will get the answer soon enough anyway.
“ Thank you Elena,”
You bid your goodnight and turn around, anxious about what tomorrow will bring and you fall asleep before she answer.
You don’t dream and when the next day comes, its with a heavy heart that you pack what’s necessary.
Tommy suggests to pick the crops you grew to avoid any waste and you’re on the road after he helps you tack Betty who has put on more weight than you in all those inactive weeks, long before the sunlight catches you.
The road is long and unexpected but Tommy’s instincts lead you away from treacherous places, privileging forest paths to avoid the heat and make it easier for you and the horses.Tommy first, Elena second, you close the convoy, your shoulders hunched, happy to put you trust in them while still turning back from time to time to check if nothing is following you.
You take several breaks to feed the horses and let them rest a bit, each one of them bringing you back to the harsh reality of what awaits in Jackson. The conversation fades, the heart gets heavier.
You carry the Wyoming calm along with you, sometimes interrupted by the roar of a cougar or the grunt of a nearby moose.
You barely see any Infected, but when you do, Tommy slashes them dead with his machete. His arm is swift and strong, but not as precise as he used to be and he has to strike more than he used to. It kills him every time but he’s too proud to show it.
A cripple was a dead man in this world. He knew it. You knew it.
Jackson was the only way out.
But when you see the fortified walls rising, your hands become damp and your heart strains. Each time it pumps, your veins clog. Each time you breathe, your lungs lock.
Did you make the right choice ?
You are not sure anymore but it’s too late, the doors open and you follow Tommy and Elena into the suffocating town you used to call home.
Home.
What a bitter word.
A home that became the wolf’s den. A home from which you were exiled. A home in which you loved and hated.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing !”
Joel lunges to his brother as soon as the gates close, disrupted by your presence, as much as you are by his. Even from the distance you can see Tommy’s shoulder tense when he jumps down.
“ Joel listen—
“ No you listen ! How dare you brin’ her back here ?” he shouts in his face, “After everythin’ she—
“ Everything ?” Tommy interrupts with a false surprised tone, his voice lower than usual.
He tilts his head and steps towards Joel whose face is recovering from the fight Elena told you about. His left eye is still swollen, narrowing his vision, bruises all around, cuts on his face because he got beaten too hard.
“ Look at me Joel ! She didn’t do half of the bullshit you did to me,” he points at his wound, “ You destroyed everythin’… You made me the same piece of shit you were because you couldn’t deal with Sarah’s death, because you couldn’t handle that I needed to move on when you got stuck at the same place for years…You…you destroyed what I’ve been trying to build in Jakson, you even took the women I loved from me…”
Joel’s jaw clenches, his eyebrows frowned upon his black eyes, quivering with fury yet unable to hurt his brother more than he already has, slowly realizing the power he had over his little brother had no effect anymore.
“ I’m done bendin’ for you, she will stay, so you figure your shit or you get the hell outta here, but I don’t care anymore,” he closes the distance, almost pushing his nose against Joel’s who don’t step back, “ Touch her again and you’re done, understood ?”
Joel stares him down, unwilling to bend, his eyes glowing with fury as Tommy makes himself bigger.
He repeats, each syllables deeper than the previous one, “Understood ?”
“ Understood,” Joel lowers his head, defeated.
“ Good, now let us pass,”
After some hesitation, Joel steps aside and the three of you walk past him, only for you to dare a glance in his direction.
Your eyes meet and for a second you fall for the hatred mask until you notice something else along the lines of his face and the loose wrinkles of his forehead.
Lassitude.
You see through the shattered glass in his pupils, The hollowness of a stranded shell. The same as yours, the same hole, the same void.
Too tired to hate, too tired to fight. Too far gone to give up.
He catches you look for the wound you inflicted and turns away, leaving you to ride to the stables more troubled than angry.
The rest of the day is a blur and Joel’s tired eyes follow you home and even the shower you take doesn’t wash him away. He follows you in your bed where the two books he offered you wait on the night shelf.
You hate him.
They are untouched, a grey film covering their covers. You wipe the dust away and open The Two Towers when something falls on your lap.
His picture.
His usual suspicious eyes darted on you, the smile he didn’t want to admit, poking under his moustache.
Back when he was happy, back when you were lying to him.
You hold the polaroid and your thumb brushes over his face, unguarded, as if the memory would fill up your own missing part. You linger there for a second too long then throws the picture on the floor.
You hate him.
Later that night, when you wake up to go to the toilet, still trying to accustom yourself back to your old home, you stumble upon the picture and pick it up.
You look at Joel’s smile one last time then puts the picture back inside the book.
AN: This is for @undercoverpena 's April Showers Challenge. And for once, I did not write smut. I know, who am I? This is not beta'd or really proof read. I'm basically having imposter syndrome over the whole thing soooo...Love you, say it back, bye!
You know that famous saying, “Right Person, Wrong Time”? Well, that was Joel Miller. He had the potential to be the absolute love of your life, but as a single father to a teenage girl and a small business owner, he just didn’t have the time right now. You were about to turn thirty, him thirty six in just a few days time. So, the night before his birthday you made the gut wrenching decision to end things with him.
“What do you mean we should see other people? There’s no other people.” He proclaimed, eyes filling with tears, mirroring yours.
“It’s just not the right time. I want to get married and have a baby, Joel. Do you really want that?” You have to remain strong, it had only been three months, you hadn’t met Sarah or any of his family. Same with your side, he knew about your sisters but no one else was at risk of being hurt by this break up outside of the two of you. This was the right thing to do before you both got in too deep.
Right Person, Wrong Time.
Almost twenty five years later and you still find yourself replaying that conversation. Every September, Joel flashes behind your eyelids - still perfectly clear, almost like it had just happened yesterday. Dark curly hair, patchy scruff, big brown eyes and furrowed brows; one day he’s going to have a permanent crease between them from all his sexy scowling. If you focus hard enough, you can feel his rough and calloused fingers on your skin. You can still hear his deep and silky voice, almost managing to make you feel lighter every time he said your name or called you darlin’ or sweetheart.
“That feel good, Darlin’?”
“That’s it, sweetheart. Let go for me.”
The outbreak happened not even 24 hours after you broke up with him. Had he survived? There’s no way you survived and he didn’t. Your suspicions were confirmed the day Tommy Miller showed up.
For the most part you liked to keep to yourself, running the community garden. You’re thankful for the small and safe community, but word gets around. And when you hear that Tommy’s brother has come to town you shrink even further back into the shadows, unsure if you want to see him again. Would it hurt more if he remembered you, or if he had no memory of you and that conversation that has imprinted itself upon you? Joel Miller is your last memory, both happy and sad, before the world fell apart.
Him, and the little girl he showed up with, left before you found the courage to approach him and soon winter took over Jackson, leaving you without the garden. Without the distraction from your thoughts of Joel.
The winter is long and brutal. April finally rolls around, and you trudge out into the rain and head to the dining hall for dinner. The gates open in the distance, but you’re lost in your own thoughts. This is more rain than you have seen in months. The garden is going to love it, you think. Just as you’re about to step up the creaky wooden steps you hear your name. It floats across the commune in a deep, gravelly, and oh so familiar voice.
You stop, tears flooding your lash line and the mud squeaking under your rubber boots as you turn to look at him through glassy eyes. Your lips part and your mouth goes dry at the sight of him. The world around you melts away. All you can see and hear is Joel Miller. He’s aged, grey peppers his temples and facial hair, he has those lines that you knew he would permanently etched between his brows, but those big brown eyes are like they’ve been frozen in time as they dance around your face.
“It’s you,” he says softly, voice shaking in a mix of sadness and relief, as he takes a few steps towards you. “I-I can’t believe it. I’ve, well…” He rakes his fingers through his soaked curls as you stare at him. The rain is coming down in a steady sheet, the ground becoming a muddy mess, and both of your clothes completely soaked through. You haven’t taken a breath in what feels like hours.
It’s you.
“I have thought about you almost every day since the world fell apart,” he continues, his warm voice washing over you like molasses. “When I was at my lowest I would think of that little dimple you get when you smile, or that time wine came out of your nose from when you laughed at that stupid joke I made. I don’t remember the joke, but I remember how happy you looked as the sun set and the orange glow lit your skin. I’d remember the way your face scrunched up when you tried whiskey for the first time. I would remember where all your freckles are, and how soft you were against my lips as I kissed every single one. I’d think of that first time we made love, how I’d never felt that overwhelmed with emotion for another person before, how in that moment I realized that I was truly fucked when it came to you. It was anything you wanted, sweetheart. Even if it meant you wanted to break up. I never should have let you go, darin’. I’m so sorry. I tried to find you before we fled for Boston.”
By the time he’s done talking you’re right in front of him, chest grazing his, close enough that you can feel the heat of him. You have no idea how you got that close to him. You don’t remember moving your feet. Joel Miller, your Joel Miller. Greyer, lines around his eyes, but yours.
As the rain pelts down you waste no time, reaching up around his neck as he lifts you up and into his embrace. Your noses graze as you whisper a quiet ‘I missed you so much’ into his lips.
“I’m never letting you go, baby. Never again.” He says and then you press your lips into his in a searing kiss. It lights your whole body on fire, you feel like you’ve been hit by a defibrillator.
Summary: Mr. Miller gives you more attention than ever, you are his priority, you want to become his favorite student, so a visit to his office doesn't hurt anyone, you just want him to help you solve the topic of your thesis.
Word count: 9.5 k
Warnings: Teacher-student, age gab (reader in her early 20's, joel in his late 40's) pet names, sexual fantasies, flirtation, slow burn (not so slow), Feeling of guilt, Mention and consumption of alcohol, hangover, Mention on teacher/student relationship, Swallowing medicine pills, Mention of vomiting (nothing explicit), Professor Miller's Aftercare, they are both two consenting adults, fear of being found out.
Friday.
"Good day, students. Today we're going to talk about two branches of anthropology that are very important for understanding human nature: physiological anthropology and pragmatic anthropology," Joel said, walking in front of the class and writing the title on the board.
It was a fact that that crush was now an obsession, you didn't know how to get Joel out of your head, you couldn't help but romanticize every single thing he did or said, you beat yourself up mentally for sexualizing him, but it was kind of impossible to stop when the clothes he wore fit him ridiculously well, it was impossible for him to look attractive with everything. The vest he wore over his white shirt was ridiculously hot, you never imagined him with a vest and now, you can't get the image out of your head.
"First of all, physiological anthropology" He paused, looking at everyone in the room
"Physiological anthropology is the branch of anthropology that studies the biological dimension of the human being. It deals with the physical and psychological characteristics that are common to all human beings, regardless of their culture or era"
You could feel your body present, but your head was somewhere else, thinking about so many things that have nothing to do with matter
"Some of the topics that physiological anthropology studies are:
|Human Anatomy
|Human Physiology
|Human Psychology
|Human Evolution"
His gaze passed over your seat, several times, but you didn't realize it because you were so gone that you didn't know what he was talking about, you only saw his lips move, the pen around his fingers as he wrote on the blackboard what you assumed were subtopics, the truth is that you don't even know.
From Joel's perspective he assumed you were paying attention, as you saw him with furrowed brows and followed his steps, but the moment he stared at you, saw how your eyes were gone, he could perceive that you were not quite present in the class.
"Physiological anthropology helps us understand how the human body works, how we think and feel, and how we have evolved as a species" He finally says, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose, arms crossed as he walks back in front of the class, looking at everyone as he continues to explain.
"Now Pragmatic Anthropology is the branch of anthropology that studies the cultural dimension of the human being. It deals with human characteristics that are a product of culture, such as values, beliefs, customs, and social norms.
Some of the topics that pragmatic anthropology studies are:
|Culture
|The Society
|Education
|Religion
|The Art
Pragmatic anthropology helps us understand how human society is constructed, how values and beliefs are transmitted, and how emotions and feelings are expressed" He paused, took a breath, and asked, looking at the whole class
"Could any of you tell me what's the difference between the two?" he look at the blackboard and look at them again, some whispered some answers but with the fear of making a mistake they said nothing.
"Miss" he said your last name 1 time, you didn't listen, you just saw that his eyes were glued to you, he named you for the second time and your friend nudged you. At that moment you felt your body for the first time since he entered the room, a shiver ran down your spine, while you saw your friend.
She just made a gesture to you with her eyes open, you know she scolded you mentally. You looked back at Joel and he was arms crossed 'shit in that pose yes he looks bigger and stronger, concentrate' looking at you over his glasses, his lips were sealed and his expression was serious as he watched you, you could feel all the eyes on you waiting for your answer.
"Sorry?" You apologized by looking down and looking at him again "I didn't hear the question" You interlaced your fingers in your lap nervously as you mentally begged him not to humiliate you.
"i ask who knows the difference between the two topics we just talked about" He looked at you as he got closer so he could get a better look at you since you were in the third row, a little out of reach.
"I… I don't know," you said nervously, shaking your head softly
You saw him duck his head as a sarcastic laugh came from his lips, shaking his head, walking up the stairs, walking down the hallway that left him in front of you and looking into your eyes, you could see disappointment in them.
"Of course you don't know, you didn't pay attention to a single word that was said" he said seriously, his words hurt you, and more because everyone listened while looking at you
"if you are in my class it is to learn, I don't stand here every day so that the words go in one ear and out the other" this time he said to everyone, his voice sounding deeper as he walked away from you and down the stairs returning to the center
A silence covered the room for a few seconds when a squeaky female voice made itself present, you shrugged your shoulders as you felt your ears bleed at the sound of that voice.
"Go ahead, Miss Vince," this time Joel's voice sounded calmer and softer
"The main difference between physiological anthropology and pragmatic anthropology is that the first deals with human characteristics that are common to all human beings, while the second deals with human characteristics that are a product of culture"
"That's right, as clear as water" He looked at you and you just looked down at your lap where your cold hands were hiding.
"Physiological anthropology is more objective, as it is based on observation and experimentation. Pragmatic anthropology, on the other hand, is more subjective, as it is based on the interpretation of cultural phenomena" He said, going back to the blackboard and writing the key words on it.
You felt so small, you felt a lump in your throat, you felt an anger inside you, you tried to control your heavy breathing. You looked at your hands and you could see and feel the waterline in your eyes fill with tears, you didn't want to cry, not in front of them, not in front of him, you didn't want him to see the power he had over you. You took a deep breath, wiping your eyes quickly, as you looked straight ahead and made a note in your notebook.
"In conclusion, physiological anthropology and pragmatic anthropology are two fundamental branches of anthropology since they help us to understand human nature in all its complexity, both in its biological dimension and in its cultural dimension"
The rest of the class went on normally, you just didn't look at him, you just listened and looked at the blackboard to make notes of what he wrote. You were quiet for the rest of the class, even when roll call you just raised your hand, at the end he just let them read a file that he would send them.
You left the room without even looking at him and hurried out. It was 6:30 a.m., with Mr. Miller's class being the last. Even though you had an appointment with the student counselor, that's why you had to run since she was leaving early.
"Where are you going?" shouted your friend seeing you hurrying down the hallway
"I have to catch up with ava, I need to talk to her" you yelled back saying goodbye with your hand in the air and disappearing around the corner.
Being true you wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible, you couldn't stand the presence of everyone around you, let alone his presence, you really felt hurt, you knew he was right, you weren't paying attention, but it wasn't necessary for him to talk to you in that hurtful tone, it was the first time you saw him angry, And you're the reason.
Your high heels echoed off the shiny floor of the school as you walked down the stairs, walked a few doors along the hallway into one that said 'teachers' office'. Past the doors you could see a long corridor that led you into the offices, several Victorian-style windows and within the space were scattered the offices of each director of the school.
You walked to the right where the office of ava, the student counselor, a beautiful lady who had been working at the university for 10 years. You knocked a couple of times on the wooden door and from inside you heard 'come in'.
You walked in closing the door behind you and when you met her gaze you gave her a smile.
"Hello" she said your name "Good afternoon, how are you?" she said in an enthusiastic voice, whenever you saw her she looked happy, you didn't know how she could be in a good mood being locked in those 4 walls.
"hi, Well thank you, how are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine honey, tell me what brings you here," she said, adjusting her glasses and leaving some sheets beside her.
You sat in the chair in front of her desk and left your backpack on the floor
"Well… I wanted to talk to you about my thesis topic"
"Okay… How can I help you?"she crossed her hands in front of her at the desk.
"I thought maybe you could… Or well, I know you studied psychology, right?"
"That's right," she nodded, taking a sip of her coffee
"Well, my thesis talks about transpersonal anthropology, and I know there's a topic in psychology about that, and I wanted to know if you could give me some important points about that, or your knowledge in it," you said kindly giving her a smile
"Of course honey, it's just a long topic and I have to run home, so how about Monday you come and we talk about it."
"Sounds great"
"How about 2 p.m.?"
"Yes, I'm free at that time"
"Perfect" A knock interrupted your talk, Ava gave way and a head peeked out of the door
"I'm sorry to interrupt Ava, but Professor Miller came looking for you a while ago and asked me if you could stop by his office for a moment before you left"
"Of course, thank you for letting me know" they closed the door and you and Ava got up from their chairs "What subject does Professor Miller give you?" she said as she took her things and put them in her bag
"Mmh philosophical anthropology" you bent down taking your backpack and passing it over your shoulder
"It would be very good for you to talk to him about your thesis, He knows more than I do because he reads a lot about the different branches of anthropology."
"Amm I hadn't thought of it" you said showing a forced smile as you followed her to the door, she opened and gave you space to go after her, she locked the door and looked at you
"Come with me, we'll tell Professor Miller if he knows about it" she said as she walked past you, you stood with the word in your mouth
"Amm… No.. I don't think he have time" You couldn't help but get nervous as you walked down the hallway to his office, this being one of the last at the end of the hallway
"Of course he has time, he's gone until 8," she said as she greeted the teachers who passed by you. "I love his office, it has a beautiful view of the forest behind campus" she look at you over her shoulder before knocking twice on the wooden door that said in black letters on the glass 'Mr. Miller'
"Come in," a deep voice rang out, sounded from inside through the door.
Ava came in first greeting Joel kindly. You stayed outside, you took a deep breath before peeking out of the doorway, making Joel aware of your presence, making the smile on her face slowly disappear as you entered and closed the door behind you, staying leaning into it looking at both of them.
Your breathing quickened a little more as your eyes met, you didn't want to be there, you didn't want to see him and you guess he didn't want to see you either. You looked at Ava and smiled nervously at her, clasping your hands behind you.
"We hope we don't interrupt Professor Miller" said Ava standing in front of his desk
"Not at all Ava, Amm" he look at you and look back at her "I wanted to tell you about the student outing that will be done at the end of the month" he said playing with the pen he had in his hands
"Of course of course, we must change some details about that...amm I have the itinerary in digital, If you want, I can send it to you and talk about it on Monday."
"Of course that would be wonderful" he nodded quickly and took a deep breath seeing the two of you with a tight smile on his lips
"Oh it's true haha" she walked over to you and took you by the shoulder approaching you to the desk, making you being closer right in front of him, she said your name "wanted to ask you if you have any knowledge about transpersonal psychology, It's for her thesis on transpersonal anthropology"
God, she looks like your mom speaking for you.
"I have knowledge on both subjects," he said, looking at her and not you.
"Perfect, I told you he knew," she said smiling at you and you just smiled back "Can she stay so you can explain a little about the subject?"
Your eyes widened looking at her "I don't think Professor Miller has time for that" you said laughing nervously, shaking your head.
"Well… I'll stay a few more hours, so I have time," he said looking at you, this time his voice sounded deeper
You stared at him for a moment swallowing, felt your ears rumble.
"You see, Professor Miller is always there to attend to his students, see you on Monday Mr. Miller" Ava said goodbye as she made her way to the door, Joel said goodbye, and you only felt the air from the door blow behind you, feeling Joel's presence heavier than ever.
"Take a seat" he said, pointing with his hand to the chair in front of him
You sat down leaving your things aside, you breathed deeply. You watched the room as he got up and picked up some papers on the shelf in the corner.
His office really was big for a simple professor. There were two large windows behind his desk, the ceiling was twice as high as the rest of the school, there was a brown leather armchair at the other end of the room, a coffee table in front of it and a warm light lamp on one side of the armchair. Several bookshelves adorned the walls, some paintings and recognitions.
His desk was kept simple, a laptop, papers on one end and a few books on the other end, his glasses were kept on one side of his case while a coffee cup was kept empty on the other side of the laptop. His office was kept lit by a few warm lamps that he had around the office. The little light of the cloudy afternoon came in through the windows, which were kept open letting the cold breeze into the cozy cube.
Your teeth gnashed from the cold coming in, as the afternoon was cold at this time of year. You were dressed in jeans, your top being a white long-sleeved shirt but a little open at the chest, revealing your collarbones and your locket hanging from your neck.
Joel walked back to the desk, leaving some papers on the side of the laptop.
"Okay" sat down in front of you as he leaned back in the chair and let out a heavy exhale from his lips "Tell me you'd like to know" his lips moved as he rested his right arm on the armrest of his desk chair and rested his thumb under his jaw, index and middle finger on the hundred and the others rolled into his palm.
You couldn't breathe properly, it was hard to inhale and exhale slowly. It makes you feel strange to be in his office alone, like those old days, you were only in the same situation once, but it was for no seconds, now it was different, because it was you and only you who was with him, without people to take his attention away from you.
"Well…" You breathed as you watched as he swallowed and his Adam's apple went down and up, while his gaze stayed on you, serious. "I have an initial basis for my thesis, the introduction, which is transpersonal anthropology and psychological anthropology, but… I wanted to talk about both fields but it's a bit impossible since it's too much of both subjects"
"It's not impossible if you're talking about topics that are intertwined between the transpersonal and the psychological, you would have to investigate if any research of this type has already been done, so you can have some sustenance or support"
You were about to speak when he interrupted you
"And why don't you focus on a specific topic about transpersonal anthropology?
"Because I'm still interested in psychology, and I think it's something that can go hand in hand with the transpersonal in the social area" you said, clapping your palms in your lap, while smiling at him with sealed lips.
He smiled at you, nodding.
"Can I see your research preview? If it doesn't bother you"
"Sure," you took out your cell phone and opened the file. You held it out to him, he reached out and took it in his hands, making your phone look small in his hand.
He looked at the screen as his hand reached out to grab the glasses that were next to him and put them on, you looked at him and you could see the reflection of your cell phone in his glasses as he rested his elbows on the wood of the desk.
You watched as he wagged his finger up on the screen, you could see through his glasses as his eyes moved following the letters on the screen. You could hear his breathing, which honestly bothered you a little bit when people breathed too hard, ugh you couldn't stand that but… Being him was fine. You moved your foot impatiently and nervously, something Mr. Miller could notice.
"Do you want coffee?" he said as he looked at you through his glasses, and the fine lines on his forehead were present.
"n.. no, I'm fine," you let out a small nervous laugh. He only nodded, smiling slightly and looking back at the screen.
"Don't be nervous then" echoed in your ears along with his hoarse tone of voice, that tone you longed to hear close to your ear, that delirious.
"I'm not nervous, just impatient" you said looking at your heels while keeping your hands crossed in front of your chest.
You saw how he put his arm down and put your phone on the desk and slid it towards you. You watched your cell phone rest on the wood with the screen on, you saw the small black letters that were written on that screen, and you could see that he had read to the end of the document.
"I think it's okay," you looked up and saw that he had crossed his arms while he saw you still with his glasses on.
"Just okay?" you looked at him incredulously and frowned.
"What do you want me to say? It's only 3 leaves," he said seriously, without taking his eyes off you.
"Won't you tell me that I need to expand the introduction further? check my spelling mistakes, that I need to paraphrase the texts well"
He bit his lip and denied
"No, I think you have everything under control" You stared at him in silence "did you expect me to tell you something else?" he said raising an eyebrow
"A little yeah... you used to correct me only by the index of work" you said quietly, looking at your heels.
You heard how a little laugh sounded from his chest, you looked up and he smiled at you, you saw in his eyes such a beautiful sparkle.
"You're so cute" Your chest would explode if he told you that
"Well, if you put index inside it… It's very obvious that it's wrong, sweetheart"
Shit, did he… Did he actually call me sweetheart?
"Sorry..." you said in a whisper
"You don't have to say sorry, it's okay," he said, looking down at his arms.
"I'm sorry to expect a lot from you always"
He looked up in eye contact, and you saw his face turn into surprise and confusion at your confession.
"What do you mean?" This time he lower his arms so he can get closer to the desk and be close to you, with the wood being the only thing separating you both.
You sighed as you saw his confused expression. You should be honest with him, let him know how you feel about him as your teacher.
"Honestly…"You paused to breathe "You are my favorite teacher, from the first day you taught us I saw the passion you had, how much you like to help your students… and I.. I just want to be as good as you."
You looked at him in silence as he processed what you said
"You are very smart and you know about everything, I wish I was good at everything and that it was easy, that I could know the subject easily" you sighed heavily "I know you expect a lot from me, and I'm sorry I didn't pay attention in class today, I know you put effort into your work and I know you want us to learn as much as possible, I really shouldn't have lost focus"
He didn't need to know all that, but you were frustrated by his class, and you felt like he wasn't evaluating you properly because of your attitude. He was silent for a few more seconds, maybe you had sounded pathetic when you said all that… Was it too much to say?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound pathetic"
"Don't apologize please" You looked at him and he was already looking at you. "It's nice that you tell me that I'm your role model, I know you're an amazing student, i can see that you're determined to get what you want, you're responsible, you have ethics, that says a lot about the person you are" he smiled at you "and the class… Don't worry, I know I'm not always going to get 100% attention, and I shouldn't have talked to you like that in front of everyone, I apologize for that." You could see the regret in his eyes
"Thank you" you nodded and gave him a half-smile, he smiled back nodding
"and just to be clear… You're also my favorite student" a mischievous smile appeared on his lips as his eyes narrowed.
You gawked at him as you watched as he stood up, grabbed his cup, and walked to the coffee maker behind him, with his back to you, a perfect view of his back.
"Really?" you couldn't help but sound happy and confused at the same time
"Yes," he said, still with his back turned
"Since when?" he was going to speak but you interrupted him "Is it because I said you're my favorite teacher?"
You heard him laugh and look at you over his shoulder. He fell silent looking at you and you just frowned, waiting for his answer eagerly.
He turned around and replied
"since the first time I saw you, last semester"
Your smile faded, your mouth dried up, you felt your hands turn cold.
Was it true? Or was he screwing you? For a moment you thought about that day… And was it impossible for you to remember everything, what he had seen in you that day? As far as you can remember, you were quiet the whole class, you only participated by telling him your name and some of your hobbies, but other than that… You don't remember saying anything interesting about the class. You wouldn't let curiosity kill you, so you bravely decided to ask him
"what did you see in me that day?" You leaned your elbow on the desk and your fist held your jaw as you stared at him.
He turned around with a blue mug in his hand walking to the desk, putting the cup in front of you. You looked at him confused.
"I didn't ask you for one"
while he went to the coffee maker taking his cup he replied
"take it, I don't accept a no"
You smiled, you looked at the coffee and saw that it was black.
"Amm I don't like black coffee"
He finished filling his cup. He walked silently to the side of the coffee maker and took a small piece of cardboard, walked with both hands full, left his cup in front of his chair and held out the cardboard, you took it and looked at the letters, 'vanilla flavored milk' it said on the front.
You smiled at him in appreciation. It was a bit odd that he had this in his office, as you always saw him drinking black coffee all over school, he didn't look like someone who drank lattes, and less vanilla flavored.
You filled your cup a little with the milk, closed it, and set it aside. While Joel was looking at the furniture full of books that sat at the other end of his desk, in front of these two pieces of furniture was a dark olive-green three-seater armchair, it was spacious.
You don't know how many times you'd admired how good he looked, it was ridiculous the space it has in your mind, the number of times you think how fine it looks.
You took the coffee, and left it on the desk when you saw Joel approaching you. Joel came back to you but this time with a book in hand, left it on the desk and sat down in his chair.
"This book could be useful for your research, and for you to learn a little more about anthropology"
You brought it closer to you' Transpersonal Anthropology. Society, Culture, Reality and Consciousness, DIEGO R. VIEGAS ́ you read on the cover of the book.
"You've given me a book before, remember?" you said, double-tapping the book.
"And?" he take from his coffee looking at you through his glasses
"Why do you give me another one?"
before answering you he taste the taste of coffee in his mouth, lick his lips and look at you.
"It's for my favorite student to learn and I don't go around scolding her in class"
You felt your cheeks burn, you looked down, but not before seeing how he smiled and crossed his arms.
Heck, he knows the effect that had on you.
You laughed, trying not to sound nervous. Was he making you nervous on purpose? Even though it was somewhat innocent the way he did it, but why call you his favorite student and give you 2 books from his bookshelf, you would never do that, your books are sacred to you, you would only recommend them and that's it, but give it to someone? You should appreciate that person so much to do such an act, even love him too much.
"You didn't answer my question," you said as you sipped from the cup, looking at him over the blue pottery
You saw how he smiled and shook his head. He scratched his beard, which was adorned by some gray hair on both sides of his jaw.
"I remember … You were at the front of the class, I thought you would be one of the ones who talked all the time, but you never participated, you just nodded to what your classmates were saying, and I thought 'what a weird girl, why being at the front when you don't participate' only heard your voice when you introduced yourself, and knowing what you liked to read… I liked you immediately, It made me tender to see you nod and take note, you are very calm, and you have a lot of knowledge, even if it is hard for you to believe it"
You didn't know that he had noticed you that way from the first day, he took the time to study you between classes, that he would be interested in you because of your taste in reading. It felt strange in any way that he would tell you that, it felt very… private, very personal. Some teachers would just say that because you were responsible and paying attention, they were satisfied with that, but not Joel, he saw something in you that you weren't sure was visible to you, it's like what you see in him.
You remembered the way he treated you, the warm, soft tone of voice in which he addressed you. The smile that appeared on his face when you approached his desk, how his eyes sought you when he asked them to participate, the attention he paid when you presented a topic in class. All the attention you felt you had at the beginning became less and less as the months went by, but whenever you sought him he was there for you. And now… You felt all the pressure on you.
"Well… I wasn't the only one who knew" you shook your head grimacing, you lowered your gaze and looked at your red nails "there were other colleagues who were more diligent"
"No one like you" you looked up shy to see a different reaction in their eyes. You swallowed and just denied it.
You had exactly one name on the tip of your tongue, a name that had been on your mind the previous semester, you were afraid to say it, to say it in front of it, but it's a perfect opportunity that you wouldn't pass up.
"Melissa" you finally said, you tried to sound as normal as possible.
You looked up and as you had imagined. His face changed, his eyes turned dark and his features hardened, he tried to disguise it with his tone when answering.
"What about her?" he leaned over the desk and intertwined his fingers on the desk.
"She was just like me… passionate about the same topics, but she did participate" you smiled nodding, pretending you liked her.
"Well," he paused and took a moment to think and blink as he looked at you, "I think… She was different from you… From what I saw in class, I don't think you should compare yourself to her"
You held his gaze when he finished speaking. You didn't know how he did it, but if you knew what really happened, you'd say he's good at lying.
"I'm not comparing myself, I'm just saying she could have been your favorite student too" You shrugged and took one last sip of the coffee in front of you.
"I don't usually go around thinking about who my next star student will be, but you'd be surprised to know that you're the first favorite student I have"
You laughed, shaking your head and covering your mouth with your palm as you laughed. On the move you caught him directing his eyes at your body, but it was in the blink of an eye.
"I must be special, I guess"
"You must be," he smiled at you, showing his teeth as he looked at you with a twinkle in his eye.
Sunday.
The smell of the night after it rained was something different, the breeze whipping through the curtains of your room, the sky full of gray clouds too big to cover the sky in its entirety. The street outside your house was silent, you could only hear the heavy air squealing out your window breaking through. You were lying on your bed, while it was being kept tidy you only had an old blanket on top of you, in fact it was from one of your favorite childhood movies, high school musical.
You had two pillows behind your head for extra support. Your eyes stayed focused on the show you were watching. For you, Sundays meant resting and not talking to anyone, there was something about Sundays that felt different from the other days of the week. Normally you didn't go out, you weren't a person who liked to go out all the time, your social battery drained very quickly if there were too many people.
As you ran your hand over the locket hanging from your neck, you remembered that first week of the previous semester, the way Joel noticed that you had changed your necklace.
"What happened to the previous one?" he said, his arms crossed as he leaned his hips against your desk.
"I put it away, don't you like this one?"
"It's very nice, you must keep something very precious inside"
"I don't put anything in it yet" you laughed slightly
"Well, when you do I want to know"
It was part of you, of your personality, it was attached to you by some invisible rope that you didn't know how to detect, the feeling, the power that made that necklace so special to you. It's like with Joel, you didn't know what force brought you closer to him, you didn't know what contained that human being who made your thoughts his, maybe you maintained a closeness that no teacher/student would have, but for you it was something innocent and vague, he was just doing his job helping you with your work.
The comment your friend had made to you ran through your mind over and over again 'no teacher would express himself like that about a student, let alone tell her that she is his favorite student, I doubt that any teacher in his life has had one'. You didn't want to think that he might have a little interest in you, because if you look at it from his point of view… What the hell could he see in you? You weren't mature or attractive enough to be with him, plus it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with him.
Things after Friday had been different, despite not seeing him for 1 day, you couldn't stop thinking about his gaze, how he smiled when he looked at you, the seriousness on his face when you named melisa. You really wanted it all to be a lie, you begged it wasn't the kind of teacher who sexually harasses his students until they get what they want. If you ever had a chance to be with him, you wanted to be the only one, you wanted to be special to him.
Even if you thought you were deluded because let's face it, he is an adult man, older by almost 26 years, he has a life made, he has stability, he is a mature person full of experiences, he is single, attractive, he can have any woman with him if he wants, so why settle for a 21-year-old girl who on top off that is his student who has damn mental and commitment problems, and in need of attention all the damn time.
Hell, you were so dam hard to yourself at times but you had to keep your feet on the ground. You were damn smart that you knew that if you got into the game it was going to be easy to get out of it, you shouldn't take it so seriously, you'd let everything flow in its wake.
You know he needs a woman, but you could give him what no one has done for him, you wanted to be his weakness so badly, you wanted him to beg you to be his… and you wanted to beg him to make you his again and again.
Your thoughts tormented you when you were alone, you couldn't help but think about different things at once, for you there was no such thing as the phrase "one crisis at a time" you worried about something that didn't happen yet or you didn't know if it was going to happen, and to top it all off, you thought if there was a solution when the only damn solution is to stop thinking about it.
Your brain was talking to you too much and that's why you overthought things. You were halfway through the series when your cell phone vibrated against the wooden surface of your desk next to your bed.
It was your friend who had sent a message. You grabbed your phone and lay back down. The screen of your phone lit up your face making your eyes narrow from the flash, you smiled as you read your friend's message.
You better be dressed up, I'll pick you up in 10 minutes, I don't take no for an answer
Does being in my pajamas work for you?
Don't fuck with me, let's go to a karaoke bar, I'll give you another 5 more minutes
You sighed when you read the last message.
You didn't know what to wear, you were thinking about a dress and a jacket but the day was very cool and you would probably freeze to death when you left your house. Your best bet was jeans that fit beautifully, black heeled boots that reached below the knee, and a black backless t-shirt and denim jacket.
As your friend promised, I'll arrive at the time she agreed for you. They arrived at the karaoke bar, which you had never been to, it was a good atmosphere, a central place with a lot of people. Inside was a place with blue, purple, yellow, and pink lights illuminating the place, and some warm lights so as not to overwhelm the view so much.
They were round tables, each one separate from the other, the stage was at the back of the place, it wasn't that deep, you could see the people from the entrance perfectly.There were 2 sections as one was karaoke and the other was a bar, but they were connected by the bar where you could turn around and see everyone on the other side.
Since the place was very popular, they had to enlarge the place, and some people who didn't enjoy being among the hustle and bustle so much went to the other end. There were people of all ages around. You walked inside the place and Katy Perry's roar song was playing all over the place.
Even if you didn't know how to sing well, people had fun, no one was judging, it was all laughter and shouting encouraging people to sing and dance.
They approached a table that was relatively in the center, and other girls they knew from college from another major were at the table. When you saw them you greeted each other happily, you took off your jacket and left it on the back of the chair, sat down and chatted for a moment before others got up to sing. You and your friend decided to go to the bar for drinks for all four of you.
"This place is sick" you said, looking around the place as you waited for drinks.
"I know, how come you've never come" she tapped her fingers on the dark wood
"You know I don't usually come this way"
"I'll have to get you out, you can find someone to have fun with"
"So you get them from here?" You said laughing mockingly
"Yes, but I get them from the other section"
They both turned to the front and saw a few men between 35 and forty-something, up to 50. You could see them coming in and out of the bar, many of them were looking at karaoke.
"So you're going to that section just for that?" You looked at her and she laughed slightly
"I use the bathroom too" you both laughed.
They returned to the table with the drinks. Time passed slowly, the atmosphere was so good that the four of them got carried away and drank a little more, but since you were not used to drinking your friends held it better than you without a doubt. You laughed, sang and danced like everyone else in the room.
You were so gone that you didn't know that one of your friends had put them on the list to go up and sing.
"It's going to be our turn" the redhead said, drinking from her glass.
"What for?" you said, wiping the drink residue from your lips.
"we´re gonna sing buddy!" the blonde said screaming as she got up from her seat.
If you had been in your 5 senses you would be nervous, dying of anxiety, resisting but since you were under the influence of alcohol, you stood up dancing. You didn't think of anything, you didn't rush for a moment, you decided it was your time, you felt good, it was in the air so, why not?
They were passing by the tables when they were called.
"The next group will sing, a round of applause for these beautiful ladies" Applause and some whistles were present when they took the stage.
..............................
"You guys said it would be a bar, not this place," Joel said as he wrinkled his nose.
"Come on men, this place is amazing"
"and let's not forget that you can find beauties here"
Joel had gone to the same karaoke/bar with his friends, they had been to that place many times, Joel let´s say he was not a fan of karaoke.
They came in and heard applause and whistles from the people. The place was a little more crowded when he arrived, they went to the bar next to the karaoke and sat on the closest stools they could find.
"We have a good view tonight," said one of his friends who, like him, was a teacher, only he was a medical teacher.
They ordered their drinks, and before they could start talking, the melody of a song began to play.
"It's not the one they dedicated to you, doctor," he said with a laugh as Joel joined in.
"At least I had a reaction from a woman, tell me what you got?" he laughed
"Two beautiful children" he looked into his eyes
"crikey" Joel said, drinking from the bottle
You and your friends started singing, and Joel still didn't realize that two girls on stage were his students.
"I told them I wouldn't have as much time in class since I'd be doing work somewhere else" the doctor said, sipping from his beer bottle.
"Then you won't teach at the university anymore?" said Joel as he held the spout of the bottle.
"I think I have better opportunities in the other place, honestly it's overwhelming"
"overwhelming?" said the other "It's overwhelming to have kids, and a shitty job that pays the minimum monthly, plus you get the best, you can see beautiful and young girls without commitment"
The doctor and Joel looked at each other, shaking their heads, smiling.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you friend but… I don't work in that place for the girls" he said, shaking his head as he looked up at the stage,
"Joel?"
"No, I'm sorry, I don't either" he rub both palms into his jeans.
"you´re both idiots, you could be with whoever you wanted" he grabbed his beer and pointed to the singing girls.
"¡Carve my name into his leather seats!" the redhead sang at the top of her lungs.
"Just an example, imagine that those girls are your students, wouldn't you notice them?"
Both men turned to the stage, the doctor made a face and turned to look at him, while Joel cocked his head, observed and recognized one, your friend who did the chorus and danced, he laughed, and of the other 3 he was amazed when he saw you, he focused his eyes thinking if it was really you or was he hallucinating.
'is that…'
"Why do you keep thinking that?" said the doctor, tapping his friend's shoulder.
"I'm just saying, it's hypothetical" he looked at Joel and laughed "I think Joel did like the idea"
They both looked at Joel and he pointed his finger at both of you
"those two are my students" the two of them turned to see who he was referring to and made a surprised face, more than anything when they saw how one of them, I mean you, had your eyes narrowed trying to read the lyrics but without losing your style.
"Slash a hole in all four tires, maybe next time, he'll think before he cheats" You sang while hugging your friend.
"Are they your students? On a Sunday night, they'll be with a good hangover"
"da bomb" said the doctor raising his bottle in the direction of you toasting
"they won't be my problem tomorrow" said Joel laughing without taking his eyes off you when he saw your funny expressions and trying to concentrate on the lyrics.
When they finished singing, the audience applauded and whistled. They came down from the stage smiling and cheering each other on.
For your part, it had been an ecstasy of emotions, you were sweating from your forehead from so much dancing. They walked to their table and they all fell tired while laughing.
"That was incredible" shouted the blonde
"it was" said your friend drinking from her glass
"Shit, I'm sorry girls but I have to go to the bathroom" you said standing up, your friend got up too
"I'll go with you"
You both walked to the bathrooms on the side of the bar, a few glances turned to you. When I came out already refreshed, they were going through the bar when you got dizzy and stopped.
"Dizziness" you laughed lightly, leaning back on a bench that was alone.
"You've had a lot to drink, let me ask you for a water" your friend said as she asked for the bottle.
"Damn, that man is so cute" you murmured, taking the bottle that your friend held out already opened.
Your friend turned to see who you were referring to and her eyes almost popped out at who it was.
"Is that your boyfriend" she elbowed you and you frowned, confused,
"boyfriend?" you wrinkled your nose looking at her.
"Mr. Miller," she turned to look at you while smiling
"Shit" you muttered while squinting to get a better look
"It certainly looks good in casual clothes" your friend mentioned, looking at it the same way.
You got up and walked over to where he was, slowly approached with your friend behind you and raised your hand greeting him from afar, he smiled nervously at you.
"Mr. Miller!" you said excitedly, smiling at him.
"Hey you" he laughed when he saw you
"what a coincidence, professor" your friend said as she looked at the other two men.
"Shouldn't you be in bed at this hour?" said Joel, wanting to sound serious but failed to see you looking him up and down.
"Oh my God, I just found my father" your friend said sarcastically and you couldn't help but laugh.
"We just wanted to get closer and say…" You took a breath and looked at him "you look great tonight, Mr. Miller" You smiled, cocking your head and blinking. "You look very lonely, do you need company?"
Joel took a big breath and exhaled while laughing
"thanks for the compliment...and I'm not alone" he looked at his friends with a closed-lip smile and they just held back their laughter.
"Well… They're not going to know how to beg for it so..." you bit your lip.
"Okay, see you at the college Mr. Miller" your friend pulled you by the arm. You left laughing on the way to the table and your friend did the same.
"You're crazy" she said as you both sat down.
"Who's crazy?" said the blonde.
"She" pointed at you with her eyes "She dared to hint to our professor"
"Is your teacher here?" The blonde narrowed her eyes
"Wow, she's drunk" said the redhead, eating from the tortilla chips
They all laughed, you told them a little about your little crush, you pointed them out from afar, he was still at the bar with his friends, while you watched him talk animatedly.
From Joel's perspective, he found the way you expressed yourself very funny, you didn't hesitate to say what you thought, he liked it, you seemed like a totally different person from the girl he is used to seeing, quiet, reserved, shy, respectful and above all introverted, with a gentle and sweet look. The girl he saw through his eyes was someone else, but he didn't dislike it, he saw in you a girl who knows how to have fun, without care, flowing with the environment, being herself and not afraid to express whatever is on the tip of her tongue.
....................
Monday.
You cursed the moment you thought it would be a great idea to drink alcohol, until you were knocked unconscious in your friend's car. You'd beat yourself mentally while you were in the bathroom complaining about the migraine you had, while wiping your mouth with water.
"Shit, I can't stand it" You held your forehead with the palm of your hand as you came out of the bathroom.
You didn't want to go to the first hour, your head was exploding and you hadn't found any pills in your entire house, and on top of all that, you had an empty stomach.
You stared at the classroom door, debating whether or not to enter.
"Mmh" you stood in the hallway.
You thought about your options, and you thought it would be a good excuse to go to Ava and ask her for a migraine pill. You walked into the teachers' offices, visualized Ava's door but knocked and got no answer, and remembered that she was arriving a little later, after 8.
You saw the doors of some teachers and administrators open, but you didn't know any of them, you had no choice but to walk to the end of the hallway. You saw the door open and peeked out. He had his back to the door, as you would suppose he was pouring himself his coffee. You knocked twice on the door to get his attention. He turned around and was surprised.
"Good morning," he said hoarsely as he looked at you with a frown.
"Good morning" you said, poking out your whole body and standing at the door.
"Come in, tell me how I can help you" he put the cup down from under the coffee maker and rubbed his palms on his pants.
"Sorry for bothering so early," you winced.
God can't stand even my own voice.
"You're not a nuisance, tell me," he walked over to the coffee pot, looking at the cup.
"I wanted to know if you didn't have a migraine pill" The way you said it was so soft and silent that he turn to look at you with concern.
"Are you okay?" he walked over to a drawer of his desk and looked inside as he put on his glasses and looked at you on them.
"No, I feel like my head is exploding.
They were silent as he rummaged through the drawer. You saw how he picked up a box, opened it, and pulled a pill out of the wrapper.
"Here, it's Dexketoprofen, it'll help you better than an aspirin" You held out the palm of your hand and he placed it in it.
Without saying anything, he handed you a bottle of water.
"Thank you"
You were about to put it in your mouth when its voice interrupted you.
"Have you eaten anything yet?" he looked at you with a worried countenance.
"amm… No" you said sadly, watching as his left hand rummaged through his back pocket, he pulled out his wallet and spoke.
"I'll go get you something, sit down, you must have something in your stomach before you take it."
You sat in the olive green armchair waiting for him. It wasn't long before he walked in the door, you looked at him and his hands left some crackers and an orange on the table. You gawked at things.
"I'll make you a green tea, okay" his voice sounded calmer and softer.
You saw how he went straight to the hot water that he kept in a different coffee pot and poured the water into a cup, took the sack out of the wrapper and plunged it into the water.
You were too tired and sore to say anything. A little attention doesn't hurt.
You didn't know why he was being so helpful, you weren't his responsibility after all. You saw him worried about you, maybe he felt sorry that you were so bad, you felt that you smelled sick and that disgusted you. You felt embarrassed that he saw you like that, you felt so horrible that you didn't want anyone to see you, but he was helping you, being so helpful, you didn't know how that made him twice as attractive.
You saw him come to your side with a cup in his hand. You drank, ate, and took the pill he gave you to relieve the pain in your head.
You felt powerless, you felt weak. It was anything but funny, being locked up with him in his office, smelling of perfume, soap fresh out of the shower, and the essence of coffee, while you smelled of medicine, tea, sick person and vomit for sure.
While he was looking at you with those big brown eyes of his. Her lips parted trying to find words to make you feel better. He was as presentable as ever, his hair fresh and slicked back. The shower hadn't helped you much, it just gave you the power to come to school but you couldn't stand being in it anymore… Not even having set foot in the classroom.
"You need to be careful with alcohol," you looked at him and sighed heavily, "if you can't handle it, don't drink," this time it sounded more demanding.
"Well… You're no one to tell me how much to drink" you looked at him with crooked eyebrows "it's my responsibility"
He nodded, "I know you can be responsible, you're a big girl after all, aren't you?"
You just rolled your eyes back and snorted, drinking the last of the tea. You put the cup down on the coffee table and looked at it.
"Thank you for… This," you pointed to the leftovers in front of you.
"Anything for my favorite student" You looked at him a mocking smile appeared on his face, which made you let out a small laugh mocking sarcastically.
It was a challenge to be around him, he made you feel so small at times, so vulnerable, so loved and damn needy. And sometimes stupid.
You smiled shyly at him as you said goodbye. You got up and in doing so you got dizzy. He reflexively grabbed you by the waist and by your arm, you grabbed his shoulders for support. You closed your eyes and breathed trying to get back to your posture, when you opened them you saw him in front of you, close to you.
He looked at you worriedly, you're sure he asked you if you were okay, but you were gone, it was the closest you'd ever been. He looked at your face to see if you gave any signs, while your thoughts desired something else.
You thought this was your chance, maybe this was the right moment, maybe finding yourself sick in his office was meant to be. You could have thought twice but you didn't, it was now or never.
You looked him in the eye and looked at his lips. He was looking at you confused, maybe you were about to faint and he was still holding you up without doing anything else.
You felt so close to the moment when you felt a hot liquid from the back of your throat rise, burning your windpipe, vocal cords and reaching your roof of your mouth in a matter of seconds. You felt like it was an explosion that came out of your mouth, you didn't want to open your eyes, your gaze was down. Whatever came out of your mouth, it was all over him, his clothes, shoes… You could even feel it on your face, you could feel traces of it on the edges of your lips. But you prayed he wouldn't have a trace on his face. You swallowed hard and heard his voice.
"I think… You must take the pill again."
Fucking hell. Swallow me.
Thanks to Bard's artificial intelligence for giving me insight into the topics of physiological anthropology. we love imagining Joel teaching and being damn smart.
Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it, tell me what you thought and what you would like to see in this controversial "relationship".
‘To you, I’m just a man. To me, you’re all I am, where the hell am I supposed to go?’
pairing: joel x reader
summary: joel has finally managed to push you away. his past continues to follow him.
warnings: ANGST (no comfort), DARK THEMES (implied SA attempt- from other people, not Joel- hint of dark!Joel), allusions to smut (just a memory, not really descriptive), joel drinks alcohol to cope, no description of reader. please let me know if i forgot anything!
w.c.: 1.5k
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Joel sat on the stained mattress, unmoving, with his head hung low, body hunched over, and hands loosely clasped in his lap while he stared at the bruises and cracks on his knuckles with disgust. The room filled with deep embers of the rising sun, a sight most would find comforting or romantic, but not him, not this time. No, it was just another bitter reminder of what he once had.
He wanted to leave and start walking however far his old knees would carry him. Yet, he couldn't get himself to move. Too many memories were stored in every nook and cranny of this dilapidated house, memories shared with you. Tears pricked his eyes as he lifted his head, gaze flicking around and studying every square inch of the place. Like to the cobwebs you were insistent on keeping away, regathered in the corners of the ceiling and tinted gray with dust. Or to the flowers you plucked from the overgrown yard, now sagging solemnly in a mason jar atop the dresser.
It's too quiet.
He abruptly stood from the bed, joints crackling in harmony with the squeak of the rust-covered springs. Each heavy step of his boots hitting against the hardwood floor seemed to reverberate off the walls, a telltale sign of how alone he truly was.
Joel paused as he entered the living room, but could he really call it that when there was no trace of life anymore?
It's too empty.
He swiveled on his heels and marched towards the door, nabbing the half-drank bottle of whiskey on the end table.
Joel sat on the porch steps, tilting his head back with the bottle pressed to his lips and gulping down the amber liquid, welcoming the burn in his chest with a subtle wince. It seemed that was all he was good for anymore, inflicting pain whether it was directed at others or himself. A palm pressed to his forehead, elbow propped on his thigh, he leaned against the framing of the rail, hoping that maybe the events from the days prior were all just another one of his countless nightmares. Any minute now, he'd see that beautiful face of yours appearing from behind the trees, greeting him with open arms and that warm smile you'd always wear just for him.
Something in the orange tells him you're not done.
As the empty shell of a man sat there, his attention shifted to the markings hidden under his heel. His foot scooted inward, and the corner of his mouth twitched up only for a second as he sat his whiskey down and traced a finger over the scratching of his and your initials in the wood.
He remembered that day vividly.
For three long weeks, the two of you trekked the woods without actual shelter; but off in the distance, you spotted an old house and took off in a flash with Joel following close behind as he hollered after you.
After Joel checked the perimeter, ensuring there weren't any infected or raiders, you sat down on the porch steps with a soft grunt and pulled out your pocket knife, carefully carving your initials into the cracked planks.
You hand the knife to Joel with an eager gaze; the gruff man stands there with his arms folded over his chest, eyeing you with a light-hearted, pinched expression. You motioned the handle to him again, brows waggling slightly with a lopsided, toothy grin.
His arms fell to his sides with a sag of his posture, then he snatched the knife from your hand and sat next to you, etching his initials under yours.
'It's home now,' You told him.
Was home.
A week later, you were folding clothes on the couch and humming quietly; it seemed silly, sure. Worrying about wrinkle-free laundry amidst the apocalypse, but there was a sense of normalcy behind it. And with the area being quiet for seven days straight, you found peace. Joel had felt it, too. All he knew for the last decade was surviving and not living. So now that he had a chance to live again, well, maybe it wasn't all so bad. Perhaps you were the one who helped him see that; you always were good at keeping him grounded. It's like all the weight that accumulated atop his shoulders had finally lifted. He didn't need anything else as long as you were by his side.
He sauntered up behind you, thick arms coming over your shoulders as he pressed a delicate kiss to your cheek, making your shoulders rise while you grasped one of his hands, thumb brushing over a knuckle. One thing led to another: Mouths feed off each other, share a breath, and let passion take over while you embrace each other in a horizontal dance, bodies pressed closely together with hands gripping and pulling in the guidance of transferred intimacy before falling asleep in the other's arms, legs tangled together. Morning followed, and the two of you watched the sunrise from the solace of the blankets.
Joel wants to go back to that.
Two months later, while preparing a stew for lunch and waiting for Joel to return from the woods, a hand slaps over your mouth and pulls you back. The spoon in your grasp clatters to the floor, and you flail around, elbowing the body behind you and clawing at the hand you didn't recognize. From what you gathered based on the low, rumbling laugh emanating out of their chest, it was a man. And it certainly wasn't Joel. Then, another man slinked out from the corner, eyes narrowed and raking over your figure with a malicious, open-mouthed smirk.
“We came here to see if we’d find anything good to eat,” he calmly explained as he inched closer and closer to you.
“Didn’t think we’d get a prize at the bottom of the box, too.”
Before you knew it, you were pinned to the ground, arms tight behind your back, and face pressed into the cold floor. You yelled and thrashed about, struggling against the weight leering over you. The second man looked at you with a mock look of sympathy, jutting his bottom lip out in a pout before kneeling. His finger, caked with dirt and grime, gently brushed your cheek, making you recoil in disgust.
Joel shook his head at the memory.
He had heard your bloodcurdling yell, screaming out his name, and in an instant, he dropped everything and sprinted back to the house with his gun unholstered. The door swung open, slamming against the wall with great force, causing the knob to leave a dent in the vinyl. All he saw was you, pinned and helpless, with tears spilling from the corners of your eyes and another man with his belt undone. He didn't have to think about what he’d do next.
Did he take it too far? No, not in his mind.
You had heard of the Joel who gave his brother nightmares, the man who was ruthless, cold, and unforgiving. However, you didn't think you'd see it. Your knees were hugged to your chest, lips parted with shaky breaths as you stared wide-eyed at the tall, brooding man.
The adrenaline wore off, and he dropped the knife he didn't even remember grabbing. It fell to the ground with a thud, muted by a pool of crimson on the flooring, the wood stained with a different finish. He looked at you, saw the apprehension in your eyes, and that's when he looked down at himself and noticed the blood that soaked his hands and freckled the fabric of his clothes.
“Baby,” he hushed out and moved to console you, but you backed yourself further into the low cupboards with a flinch.
You've never flinched at him.
His heart dropped deep into his stomach, and he carefully retreated, not wanting to scare you further. Joel looked away, down at the bodies that were no longer identifiable. Faces bashed in by his own bare hands; his fists clenched, and he was now painfully aware of the sharp pain in his knuckles. He moved again, just a simple shift of his feet, and you let out a startled, choked whimper. That's when it truly sank in. You were scared of him, and he couldn't lie; it fucking hurt. But hell, he couldn't blame you for it.
Sometimes, he was scared of himself, too.
Joel would never forget how you looked at him. Like he were some wild animal, no better than the infected and somehow worse than the raiders. Maybe he wasn't any better. Maybe he was worse. Joel knows he's not a good man. When the time comes, he will be sitting directly on Satan’s lap, paying for his sins.
Old habits die hard, he supposed.
So now here he sat, a week after you left, finishing the dregs of his bottle as he watched the sky's orange begin to lighten. His lip curled, and he sucked air through his teeth before glancing down at his injured hands once more, flexing his fingers. Joel rose from the porch and went back inside, grabbing his bag and tentatively slinging it over his shoulder. When he stood out in the yard, he took one last look at the sky and exhaled a heavy sigh before returning to the woods, trying to erase you from his mind.
Something in the orange tells him you're never coming home.
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i’ve had this idea (and like three others) stewing in my head forever now (none of them are happy). in case you haven’t heard this song and would like to get your heartbroken like i did the first time i heard it, have at it! now we can cry and think about joel together <3
as always, if you enjoyed this fic and like to pass your sorrows on to someone else, give this a reblog and/or tell me your thoughts! i love feedback and haven’t wrote angst like this in a hot minute lol.
read on ao3! (170k words) | previous chapter | next chapter | masterlist
Pairing: Joel Miller x Female OC
Series tags: extreme slow burn, age gap, older man/younger woman, protective joel, jealous joel, hurt/comfort, pov third person, mutual pining, angst, sexual tension, friends to lovers, canon-typical violence, feral joel, parental abuse, eventual smut.
Series synopsis: three years ago, Juliet escaped her father's religious survivor camp, ending up in the Boston QZ. Juliet created a life for herself in Boston, desperate to forget the trauma of her upbringing. One day, Juliet arrives home to find a mysterious letter which forces her to return to her home town. Juliet can't travel the harsh post-apocalyptic landscape alone, so she enlists the help of the grumpy and, at times, frightening man she works alongside: Joel Miller.
Word count: 4.5k
Joel’s POV:
Months ago. The night after killing Blake at the gas station.
Joel’s gun was cold against his burning skin.
He gripped it tight as he watched the outside world from a gap in the boarded up window. His eyes moved back and forth, scanning the deserted street as he went through the rhythm of tempting the trigger with his finger then releasing his breath. Again, and again, and again.
He wouldn’t look at her, Joel decided. His focus wouldn’t move from the window and the invisible threats that lay out there, waiting for bad luck to fuck them over again.
He wouldn’t think about the look in her eyes, only hours ago when he bent over Blake’s body and drove that knife into his flesh, harder and harder each time.
Joel’s jaw clenched.
Over the past twenty years, Joel had become pretty adept at killing. He knew how to kill someone fast and he knew how to kill someone slow, drawing out the process to get information from his victim. But, he’d never enjoyed it before, not until Blake.
His finger tempted the trigger of his gun again as the memory of Blake’s knowing smile and predatory hands forced Joel’s vision to flash bright red.
He had wanted to cut off those hands. The hands that had touched Juliet’s skin and made her tremble in fear. The hands that had forced themselves on her years before, when he hadn’t been there.
If Juliet hadn’t been standing over him, he might have taken a blade to those very hands. But he didn’t want her to be frightened of him too. Joel couldn’t bear the thought.
He wondered if she was sleeping yet, in the bed Joel had made for her with ratty blankets and couch cushions he had found in the ruins of a store they sheltered in. Joel wondered if she saw Blake when she closed her eyes, or did she see him driving that knife into Blake’s torso again and again and again?
Maybe she saw herself as she sliced his throat open.
Joel’s hand tightened around the handle of his gun, nearly splitting the skin on his cracked knuckles.
He should have checked that building the second they pulled up to the gas station. He should have seen the signs. Juliet shouldn’t have had to…
Joel shook his head, attempting to stop his guilt from eating him alive.
He had a job to do: get her to her father’s, then find Tommy. Joel rolled his shoulders as he straightened his stance and focused his gaze.
A soft sound pulled his attention away from the window.
Joel squinted through the dark to Juliet’s figure lying on the ground. His stomach dropped just looking at her.
Then he heard it again, a whimper trembling from her lips.
Joel grit his teeth. His feet turned towards her, but he didn’t take a step forward. She must be dreaming, a nightmare maybe. He couldn’t help her. Joel wouldn’t be able to offer her any comfort.
Juliet started to move. Her fists began to clench and her legs started to shake, a little bit at first, and then her body was practically convulsing as her soft moans transformed into strangled screams.
Joel moved before his mind could tell him not to, before his fear and anger and guilt could hold him back. His steps were quick and hard, taking him to Juliet as another muffled yell worked its way up her throat.
Joel bent down, placed his gun on the floor and reached out to grab onto Juliet’s legs, attempting to still her thrashing kicks.
“Hey, hey,” he soothed, applying more pressure to his touch.
Juliet didn’t respond. She just kept crying out, as though he wasn’t there at all.
Joel cursed and shut his eyes for a moment, then inhaled a breath though his gritted teeth. The sight of Juliet in pain from the threat inside her own head was hurting him more than he could have imagined. He couldn’t help her.
“You’re safe,” he tried again, raising his voice but desperately trying not to be too harsh with his tone. “You’re safe” he repeated, softer this time.
Her legs finally stilled but her eyes remained shut, and her eyebrows were pinched together in a way that told him she was still stuck inside whatever horror lay in her head.
“No, please,” she groaned, her words quiet and slurred. “Please, don’t.”
Joel’s anger returned. If he had to bet, there wasn’t a nightmare going on in her head, it was a memory.
One hand left her leg and moved up to her head. Joel sucked in a sharp breath before he began to brush over her hair in soft, soothing motions. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched someone like this.
“Shhh,” he begged in a rough whisper, again and again and again.
Juliet’s cries began to quiet, and her shoulders relaxed.
Joel dropped his head as relief flooded through him. He kept his movements as soft as he could manage, terrified that Juliet would wake up and he’d have to confront what he was doing.
When her features released from their strained hold, Joel rocked back on his heels and removed his hand from her leg.
He struggled to move his other hand from her hair. There was blood speckled over her face and into her hairline, reminding him of what had happened that day. He wanted to wash it from her, take a cloth and trail it over her skin, taking away all the hurt and the sorrow from her flesh.
Joel’s fingers suddenly stilled. What was he doing?
The exhaustion must have gotten to him. He shouldn’t be thinking these things, he shouldn’t be touching her. Joel wrenched his hand back to rest over his bent knee, then he pushed himself off the ground until he stood over her sleeping body, breathing heavy.
Relief shuddered through him when he confirmed that Juliet was still sleeping soundly. If she had woken and caught him touching her…
Joel’s throat tightened with the realisation that she might have been frightened of him, fearful of another man bent over her, touching her skin.
He took a step back, then another, practically staggering away from her. Joel knew he would never hurt her, not purposefully, but he still worried what she would think of him. He wanted her to be fearful of the men that still staggered around this wasteland of a country… but never him, he never wanted her to fear him.
Joel swallowed rough and bent to grab his gun from the floor. Then he turned before he could change his mind and strode towards the window, ready to take up his job of protecting her from afar, from the men who would harm her.
He’d failed today. It wouldn’t happen again.
As Joel found his view of the street again, he forced himself not to think why he was so determined for Juliet not to see him as another bad man who wanted something from her. Or why the feeling of his rough fingers on her soft skin made his heart seize. Joel forced himself not to think about her at all.
Yet when Joel’s thoughts drifted away from Juliet to think, instead, about routing a map to Iowa, and how he was going to find more food… his skin still sparked with the memory of her skin, and his ears listened intently for any more sounds from her sleeping form.
………………………………..
Joel’s POV:
Present day
“Joel,” a voice murmured.
He turned his head, blocking out the sound. Joel was back in that store, watching Juliet sleep, smoothing his hand over her hair, vowing to keep her safe.
“Joel,” the voice said again, louder, more urgently.
He opened his eyes to the sight of a white ceiling with gold ornate details. Joel’s stomach dropped.
His head whipped to the side so fast his ears began to ring. Ethan’s face filled his view, standing over the couch Joel lay on.
Panic struck Joel hard and fast.
He tried to sit up, grasping at the velvet material of the couch, but his fingers couldn’t get a grip and, for some reason, his body wasn’t responding to his commands. The best he could do was rise to a half seated position.
Ethan’s hands were outstretched, as though he had wanted to help him but had decided otherwise. His expression was pained.
“Joel, stop,” he said quickly, “I think you’ve got a concussion, you need to lie back down.”
His words didn’t even register through Joel’s panic. There was only one thing anchoring him to the present.
“Juliet,” Joel barked through gritted teeth as he desperately tried to control his breathing and stop the room from spinning. “Where is she?” he demanded, grasping on the couch again to pull him up.
Joel had no idea how long he’d been lying there. He didn’t even know what day it was. His memories were confused and muddy. He remembered pain striking his head, and sharp punches from men he would have destroyed a few years ago, and then he remembered a head on his lap, Juliet’s fingers on his face, then her whispered promise as she left him.
Ethan looked down at him, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips thinned as though he was debating whether to answer him.
“Where is she?” Joel fumed, looking right in Ethan’s eyes.
If she was … if she was hurt because he brought her back here, because he failed her again.
Ethan looked to the door, then back at Joel as he rubbed at his forehead.
“She’s alive,” he said, avoiding Joel’s eyes.
Whatever relief Joel felt was gone in less than a second.
“Where is she?” Joel demanded again, shouting his words at the man who knew more than he let on, who was keeping him from Juliet.
Fuck this, Joel thought when Ethan refused to turn towards him.
Despite the ringing in his ears and the spinning room, he tightened every muscle in his body and heaved himself off the couch.
Joel swayed on his feet and was hit with intense nausea but that didn’t stop him from reaching forward, grabbing Ethan’s jacket and slamming him into the nearest wall.
“Where… is… she?” he spat out between rough breaths as Ethan struggled against him. Joel didn’t even know why he was here, how he knew where they were, or how he got here - but he didn’t care.
“Upstairs,” Ethan finally choked out, his face red and his voice angry.
Joel released him instantly and stumbled backwards, still not stable on his feet. After a couple breaths he dragged his feet through the door into the hall, gripping the wall to brace himself.
Ethan was at his heels, calling his name, telling him to sit down, to wait.
But Joel had heard enough. He had begged her to stay, he knew it wasn’t safe. He had to get to her.
Joel had taken the first step up the stairs when he felt Ethan’s hand on his shoulder. His head swung towards him, ready to shout whatever rage fueled words it would take for him to back off, but once his eyes met Ethan’s face, Joel’s mouth dried and no words came out. Because Ethan wasn’t looking back at him with anger or annoyance, no, he was looking at Joel with pity shining in his eyes.
Joel’s hands curled into fists and he turned to look up to the top of the stairs and then back to Ethan.
“Spit it out,” he commanded as he planted his feet firmer on the step to restrain himself from walking up the remaining stairs and finding Juliet.
Ethan let out a breath. “She’s not -” he started, then shook his head as he tried to find the words. “She’s stable for now, but the infection is bad, Joel. We don’t have enough antibiotics.”
The ringing in Joel’s ears was reaching a pitch that started to drown out everything around him. He gripped the bannister, the wood groaning under the weight of his hand.
“What - what infection?” he asked, dazed.
They were just in the bar, talking to Danny. How had it gone so wrong?
Ethan winced and inhaled a quick breath. “From her finger. They cut off her finger.”
Joel’s first reaction was denial. Ethan must have got it wrong, there was no possible scenario where that could have happened.
They were just in the bar, talking to Danny.
Quickly, without warning, vertigo slammed into Joel and he felt his body tilting as his heartbeat roared in his ears. A hand gripped his arm, holding him in place as his breaths became rapid and uncontrolled. Horror trailed across his skin, reminding him of every mistake he had ever made, every time he had felt fear, every time he faced a loss…
Some part of his panicked mind knew that Ethan was talking to him, trying to calm him down but Joel refused to hear it. He refused to consider a possibility where Ethan was telling the truth.
Juliet was upstairs. Just a few more steps and he could see for himself that she was fine, that she wasn’t hurt, that he hadn’t failed her again.
Joel pushed against Ethan’s hand and watched as he stumbled down a few steps, looking up at him with wide eyes. Joel didn’t have time to care, he turned and walked up the remaining steps, holding on to the bannister as the world continued to spin too quickly around him.
“Juliet,” he heard himself call out. “Juliet!”
“She’s in here,” a quiet voice announced from down the hall.
Joel’s footsteps thundered on the worn, wooden floorboards. His head didn’t hurt anymore, his ears had stopped ringing, and the world suddenly tilted back on its axis. His only focus was her.
He stopped in the entryway, scared to go any further, terrified to have his worst fears confirmed. From his position at the edge of view, he could see a radiator against the window and when Joel’s eyes dipped, he saw a pair of handcuffs attached to the metal.
It was then that Joel remembered that Juliet had lived in this very house for most of her life. He was unconscious when he was brought here, so the thought hadn’t occurred to him until now.
The floorboards he walked on, and the walls he had touched were an insight into Juliet’s past. As were the handcuffs in her room.
The image of his fists around Elijah’s throat floated across Joel’s vision as his eyes shut and his head dropped, almost like he was praying. And maybe he was, asking a god he didn’t believe in to help, begging him not to take her.
When his eyes opened, Joel stepped into the room.
Juliet lay on the small bed in the centre of the room, the headboard met the dark wall behind it. Beside her, sat Charlotte on a wooden chair that looked close to breaking. Sunlight streamed through the window, illuminating the blood that coated Juliet’s face. It was clear that someone had tried to wipe it off, leaving stark streaks across her skin and allowing the mess to gather in her hairline.
Joel didn’t realise he was walking again until he stood over Juliet’s body, waiting to see the rise and fall of her chest. When he had confirmed that she was breathing, Joel followed the path of horror down her arm until his sharp gaze landed on her hand and the thick bandage that wrapped around it, almost hiding the missing space between her thumb and middle finger.
Joel felt that slam of vertigo again and he had to place a hand on the wall to catch himself from stumbling backwards. His spine straightened as his eyes reluctantly left Juliet and found the gaze of Charlotte who now stood opposite him.
“What happened?” he demanded in a voice that had lost all of its strength.
Charlotte glanced down at Juliet, then up at Joel. Her glossy eyes fractured another part of Joel’s willpower.
“We don’t know,” Charlotte finally responded in a shaky voice. “We found her lying in the middle of the street. She had a bag with pills and disinfectant,” she paused, her eyes blinking rapidly. “She was calling your name.”
Joel felt a breath rush out of him as he ran a trembling hand across his aching jaw.
Juliet was injured but she still went out to get him supplies when he was too out of it to notice, or to stop her. Joel remembered suddenly the last time she faced an infection like this, at Bill and Frank’s when her wound was slowly killing her and she didn't say a thing, not until he found her unconscious at their table.
She put him first, before her own health and her own safety, Juliet willingly went back out into the town that had tried to kill her… for him.
He didn’t deserve this devotion.
“Joel, you need to sit down,” Charlotte urged him as she appeared at his side, ushering him around to the chair on the other side of the bed. Joel allowed himself to be moved, he had forgotten how to put one foot in front of another.
When his back met the chair, reality poured over him. His eyes shot to Charlotte.
“Who did this to her?” he ground out, already knowing that she was as clueless as him, but still demanding an answer anyways.
Charlotte’s mouth dropped open as she shook her head, confirming what Joel already knew.
Slowly, his gaze landed back on Juliet and his whole body flinched. That horror that he carried on his shoulders settled deep in his gut. Joel felt powerless. He couldn’t help her and he didn’t even know who was responsible for this. All he remembered was a blow to his head and the sound of Juliet’s scream.
He flinched again.
“Joel, I need to have a look at your head,” Charlotte said cautiously. Joel turned to her, his body stiff, and found Charlotte staring down at him with that same pity swimming in her light eyes. Joel said nothing. How could he focus on himself when Juliet wasn’t even awake, when he didn’t know if she was going to be okay?
Charlotte must have noticed Joel’s expression, with his red rimmed eyes and barely restrained rage, as she turned to look at the door.
“I’ll give you a minute with her,” Charlotte announced as she glanced over at Juliet. “But as soon as I’m back, I’m takin’ a look at that head of yours. Don’t even know how you were standin’,” she muttered, and with one last weary look, Charlotte turned and walked out the door, closing it softly behind her.
Joel released a shaky breath, then he leaned forward as his hand stretched towards Juliet’s hair. There was a bruise ringing around her neck and her jaw, and blood soaking her torso in a way that reminded him of the last time they were in this house, only now he wasn’t sure if the blood was hers.
His fingers met her matted strands and instantly began to smooth out the clumps of blood, delicately as to not wake her.
Fear and anger shuddered through him in waves, dampening his forehead with seat and shaking the muscles in his arms.
“What were you thinkin’?” he murmured. Joel wasn’t sure whether the question was directed at himself or Juliet.
She didn’t respond. Juliet’s chest just continued to rise and fall in a rhythm much slower than he would have liked.
Joel’s head dropped as his hand continued to smooth her hair. His mind was like a warzone, with guilt and terror firing lethal shots.
“I should’ve stayed away,” Joel whispered. “I never should’ve brought you back here. I thought I could protect you, I thought -”
He forced himself to stop. Joel’s breathing was growing restless and panicked again, and he was becoming lightheaded.
Joel inhaled a deep, slow breath, urging his heart to stop racing.
“You gotta wake up, baby. I -” Joel choked on his words. “I’ll keep my distance. I won’t ask you for anythin’” he paused and lowered his head again, his voice thick with shame and regret. “I won’t ask you to feel what I feel.”
Movement rippled under Joel’s fingers. His blurry gaze flashed to Juliet’s bloodstained face as her eyes blinked open.
Hope, like nothing he’s ever felt before, fired through his heart.
Juliet’s brown eyes found his.
“Joel,” she breathed, her voice weak and croaky.
“I’m here, baby. I’m here,” he drawled, stroking her hair faster, urging her not to fall asleep again.
“You're okay,” she wailed as tears leaked from the corner of her eyes, falling on the pillowcase.
Joel nodded fiercely, ignoring the pain that rattled around his skull at the sharp movement.
“What happened?” he asked gently.
Juliet’s mouth opened slightly, then her head tilted to allow her to see the bandage on her left hand, then her head fell back on the pillowcase.
When her eyes met Joel’s again they were almost black.
“They dragged you away, I thought you were dead,” she began, slowly forming her words as she struggled to regulate her breaths. Joel wanted to take back his request, to tell her to stop, but he had to know.
“Then they got me too,” she continued. Joel flinched. “I woke up on a table in the medic’s office. John was there, he - he worked with Elijah when I was younger.”
Joel’s hand curled into a tight fist.
“He said the town was starving,” Juliet stopped and inhaled sharply. “He wanted to use me to feed them, Joel, and he nearly did. Luckily, it was just my finger he took before -”
“Where is he?” Joel seethed, biting out the words through clenched teeth.
Juliet looked away, up at the ceiling as her eyes fell closed.
“He’s dead,” she whispered. “I killed him.”
Pride and horror boiled in Joel’s blood all at once. What she was forced to do…
He’d vowed to protect her, to keep her safe and he’d failed, again, because he was too old, and too slow, and too fucking weak.
“Good,” Joel ground out as he struggled to restrain himself from walking out the door, from taking his anger out on something or someone.
Juliet was crying again, silent tears dripping onto the fabric under her head, creating a dark stain.
“I thought you were dead,” she choked out.
Joel’s head shot up.
“When I found you in the basement, you were barely breathing and I couldn’t find a pulse. I thought I’d lost you,” Juliet recalled, every word pouring out of her like she was living it all over again.
Joel didn’t know how to protect her from the memory of his pain. “I’m here,” he breathed.
Juliet tilted her head slightly, acknowledging his words and dismissing them at the same time. Her eyes were on him again, drawing him in, pinning him with her stare.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered carefully and Joel’s heart stopped. “I can’t pretend that I don’t feel the way I do.”
Joel could’ve sworn he stopped breathing.
“How do you feel?” he asked quietly after a moment, refusing to break eye contact.
Juliet’s lips curved upwards, only slightly, enough to make Joel lean closer, to install himself at her altar.
“I love you, Joel,” she said in a rushed breath. “I think I have for a long time now, it - it just took me a while to realise it.”
Joel shook his head. Denial was comfortable, it was safe. Juliet couldn’t feel that way about him, he was wrong for her, everything about him was wrong.
Juliet’s small smile disappeared in the blink of an eye as she watched Joel’s face harden.
“I understand if you don’t feel it too,” she choked out, “I just had to tell you.”
Joel’s heart shattered at her words. He watched her shut down, move her head to face the ceiling again as she tried to stop the tears from flowing. She thought he didn’t -
His hand was on her cheek, pulling her watery gaze back to his.
“You think I don’t feel the same way?” Joel accused, his voice coming out harsher than he wanted it to as he struggled to fight the fear that rose in his throat. “You don’t think I love you?” he asked, calmer this time.
Juliet’s eyebrows pinched together, her eyes flashing between his, trying to read his mind.
Joel’s head dropped as he released a heavy sigh, then he reached out his other hand until he cradled her face, wiping away her tears as they rolled down the side of her face.
“There ain’t words for how I feel ‘bout you,” he declared. “If you knew what was runnin’ through my head, you’d be fuckin’ horrified.”
He didn’t want to scare her. His words were more of a warning, a caution or an allowance, giving her time to take back her own words and not walk down this road with him.
“You don’t scare me, Joel,” she breathed.
Joel’s whole body shuddered at her words and his eyes narrowed in on her lips. He had to forcefully stop himself from leaning forward and tasting the tears that had dropped on them, to lick them clean, to claim her as his.
“You terrify me,” he confessed, still staring at her lips.
Juliet looked at him like his hands weren’t permanently stained with blood, like he hadn't hurt her over and over again, like he wasn’t entirely wrong for her.
Juliet looked at Joel like she loved him.
His lips met hers slowly, carefully. Juliet responded immediately, pushing against his lips just to pull him back in. Joel forgot where they were and what had happened as he attempted to prove his devotion to her.
The kiss was raw and tear stained and utterly terrifying. Joel had never experienced anything like it.
He pulled away in a daze as the door to the room opened.
“I found more antibiotics!”
Joel’s head swung in the direction of Matt as he strode into the room, then staggered to a stop when he saw Joel’s body half leaning over Juliet.
He recovered quickly and turned to call behind him towards Charlotte and Ethan who were making their way down the hall. “She’s awake!”
Joel leaned back in the chair as chaos erupted around him.
Matt handed Charlotte the pills and she got to work, ordering Ethan to lift Juliet’s water to her mouth as they asked her to swallow. Then they checked her forehead and discussed her temperature in detail.
Soon, the ringing in Joel’s ears returned, drowning out the chatter around him. He didn’t mind, though. Joel wasn’t interested in anything other than the woman lying on the bed, swallowing the pills that were going to help her.
When Charlotte turned her attention to Joel, he didn’t fight against her care. He didn’t resist her help. Joel had to get better, he had to stay strong if he was going to get Juliet out of here, if he was going to get her home.
And when they got home, back to Jackson in the house he would call theirs, Joel would do everything in his power to ensure that Juliet never stopped looking at him like he was worth something, like she loved him despite everything he’d done.
