the difference accepting people makes in their lives
A girl came in today that I didn’t recognize, but she recognized me. She introduced herself, then quickly said that wasn’t her real name, and when she told me her real name I remembered her as a girl my cousin (Meagan -- one of the good ones and Marissa’s oldest) was best friends with when they were teenagers.
This girl, who now goes by the name Johnni, ran away from home and started a shit-ton of stuff that got a bunch of people in trouble, and she did it all with Meagan. The two of them did a lot of stupid shit, but the difference between my family and hers was pretty big and it really shows now that the girls are both grown.
My family knows everybody does stupid shit (we’ve done stupid shit ourselves) and we kept in contact with my cousin the whole time she and Johnni were pulling stupid shit, telling her we still loved her, and we reminded her all the time that if she wanted to come live with any of us, even to just crash at night with no questions asked, she could. She took us up on that a several times, and we followed through, asking no questions and not giving her a hard time, just loving her even though some of what the girls got up to was meth and taking other things from people they didn’t know, which turned out one to time to be something that nearly killed the both of them and they ended up in the hospital.
Johnni’s family went the opposite way. They tried to get her committed to a psych ward (and she did end up in a psych ward for a couple months), got her arrested a few times, and ultimately moved the entire family to another state to get her away from the things they thought were so awful.
The differences now are very striking. Meagan is married, and she and her husband have their own house, they both hold down jobs, and they’re fairly happy together. They fight just like any couple, but she’s doing really well and doesn’t do a lot of the shit she did as a teenager. She’s been drug free for years and doesn’t hit alcohol like she used to.
Johnni still isn’t doing well. She’s got horrible anxiety issues, she’s been in abusive relationships with men who take advantage of her, has dealt with drug and alcohol problems for years, and she struggles every day with her past, still feeling awful about it and even changing her name to try and get away from it all.
The reason I said all this is because I hope parents read this. I hope they see how much influence they have on their kids, no matter how the relationship is between them and their kids. Being accepting even when it’s really fucking hard means your kid has a chance to change as they grow up and they have a chance to be happy without being bogged down by the stupid things EVERYBODY does. They have a chance to keep a relationship with you no matter what they do.
When Johnni started to try to explain herself to me, I just chuckled and shrugged and said, “Everybody does stupid shit,” and her entire body relaxed, she smiled, and she started to tear up a little as she said, “Thank you. Nobody else has said that to me.”
Treat your kids like human beings and remember that everybody does stupid shit. Be there for them, let them fall on their face, and when they come back, don’t throw it back at them over and over again. Please.
