CHARACTERS. ateez`s choi jongho x female reader | no supporting character.
W.C. 3K
AUTHOR`S NOTE.
this is a special request by my younger sister @reee-01 jongho is like her one true love and also it`s his 19th birthday so this is just a special gift for him and her at the same time. also @pookastudies (special tag) anyway, happy reading, bubs!
masterlist | playlist
[01:15 PM] [the words that don`t get uttered but still floats in the air]
―it was no mistake.
if only you would`ve turned your head to your left side, you could`ve seen him. but your history teacher was in-between his revision session with your class and you had no other option but to stay hid in your classroom with your words stuck at the back of your ribs in the form of feelings that never came to the surface.
choi jongho―transferred himself to this school two years ago and it didn`t even take a month before he was already a strong player in the school`s basketball team. for your case, it took him only a week.
though you didn`t want to completely conclude that it was accurately a week but it might be roughly counted as love at first sight. you, apparently, took your time to adjust to the way he was in filtering your mind and it was soon evident during the first weekend after meeting him that you`ve actually started missing him and it was sure a sign of love because you didn`t really feel any sort of intention of being not just his friend. you wanted to be something more than that.
but two years have already passed and both of you have been separated by your respective stream choices. while you`ve taken arts, he has gone into the science stream but it shocks you how he still finds his way inside the basketball court with the same kind of open laughter he did when he first came.
you glance towards the clock that hangs over the blackboard. ah, it`s almost time for the end of today`s school, you sigh. no matter how much you dread this, you still had to accept the fact that you miss him more these days. even though you probably see him walking by your classroom every day towards the basketball court, even though you see him taking the train just before yours at the station while going back home, even though you see him every day at the assembly hall every morning―it has always come back to this, that as the end of your high school comes, you`re probably going to be eaten up by the guilt of not letting out your feelings.
you wished you could go back to the time before his transfer and change your classroom so that you could`ve never met him in the first place. your glances towards him would`ve been much lesser than what it used to be and you would probably not stay up late during your school nights, waiting for the sun to break into the sky so that you can finally dress up to have a taste of his presence in the air of the room you both will sit. the distance never mattered to you as long as you were breathing the same air as him.
craning your neck to remove the aching pain behind your head, you watch the teacher scolding one of your classmate for not giving the proper answer. as you almost start feeling bad for him, you heard the bell ring. the previously shunned classroom became a carefree chaos as you joined in it silently to pack up your textbooks and stationeries.
as you got up from your seat, one of your friends comes at you with a hug and you almost hold yourself against the seat from falling, “i will miss you a lot, _______! can`t believe next time we meet it will be on exam day.”
you feel a sudden jolt inside you as the abrupt clenching inside your chest made it feel more painful. your eyes now as wide as the biggest circle you`ve drawn, your mind settles with the fact that today is, in fact, the day of your last regular high school life. it wasn`t like you were returning her hug rather it was like you were holding onto her from the immense pain that pushes itself now through your chest to your stomach. this bad feeling―you never wanted it to come.
you laugh back at her and your friend makes a pouty face expressing her sadness. “we can meet whenever we want, you know.” you said, though you know it was half-true.
“sure! now let`s go!” she pulls you by your hand and you both eventually got out from your classroom. just like any other day, you turn your head back towards jongho`s classroom only to sigh in despair that he`s probably not in it right now.
the wind struck you repetitively as you stood on the platform waiting for your train which arrives after half an hour. during the other days, you would sit but today your body wasn`t tired enough rather it was your head. you had a hard time looking up at your eye level. the only thing that you watched were the active feet of the platform occupants like you.
suddenly, you heard a voice but it was very unclear. maybe it was the ringing inside your head that was making it more difficult to clearly hear the words. you tried hearing the words clearly. it was trying to say something and you were fighting your earnest to make out the syllables. soon you feel a strong hand slightly shaking your left shoulder. your eyes jerk open at the sudden pressure and you turn your head fast only to meet with the last person you would`ve probably thought about.
jongho`s eyes carried a concerned look and his mouth had formed an irregular shape which only meant that he wanted to say something and not say something at the same time. he was, at least, looked confused. but your fuzzy brain had a hard time realizing what was happening and why is he here holding your shoulder like this.
“_____, are you alright?”
as your name got uttered by him, everything in front of you became clear as the open sea and the air of an early morning. your head started feeling lighter and you gave him a small smile which doesn`t reach your cheeks.
“do you have water with you? you should drink water,” he looks around you and notices that you don`t have enough water with you. he could see it because your bottle was transparent.
huffing back, he pulls out his own bottle to give you a sip. he even goes on to open the cap for you but you remain staring at him the same way. when he motioned his bottle towards you while raising his brows at the same time, you spoke for the first time.
“why are you making me drink water?”
“huh?” his voice sounded like he couldn`t believe what you were saying, “you almost fainted before i caught you by your shoulder. are you being serious right now?” finally without hesitating any longer, he takes your hand in his and makes you grasp the water bottle and forces you to drink at least a mouthful of it. “if you don`t drink this, i`ll just have to call the hospital. you`re making me worried for you, ______.”
you`re making me worried for you.
the words hit you as if you were standing in the middle of the road and a car just suddenly switched on its headlight without any warning. your grip around the water bottle tightens and jongho`s attention diverts from your face to your hand. he was still, though this time gently, holding your wrist.
you looked away from him and turn around facing the other side of the platform and drank almost half of the water he had in his bottle. it was at that time you realized that you`ve been deprived of any hydration, that your body was screaming for even a drop of water, that your mind which previously felt distorted and empty was suddenly asking for confrontation and words that would be only be spoken by choi jongho.
jongho looks at you in awe and then a smile climbs onto his mouth when he gets amused by your way of drinking water like you`ve been thirsty all this while. he watches you pull back the bottle and shove it onto his chest. “thanks.” and, that`s all he heard.
“you need to stop hurting yourself like this,” jongho speaks while he pulls off the straps of his bag from his shoulder. he has settled not only himself but yourself too by almost dragging you into the waiting room. when one of the station officers asked why you both have entered into a room only for the reservation carrying passengers, jongho has taken a defence mode only to request just some minutes because of your sudden health issue.
“what do you mean by that?” you ask in return of his sudden accusation.
“i can see you`re hurting yourself. just because some people doesn`t respond to your glances, your words, your feelings that doesn`t mean they are ignorant of your feelings,” jongho leans back, resting the back of his head against the light blue painted brick wall, “maybe they know more than what you really think.”
“that doesn`t make any sense,” you turn your head to your side this time staring directly at his side profile, “you know that, right?”
instead of replying, jongho turns his head at your direction and just return your glance. your eyes followed his own and you noticed how it travelled slowly from your eyes to your mouth and as it reached back to your eyes, they carried a soft look. his eyelids shivered with an unknown feeling and you had no idea why he was acting this way.
it was evident all these years that your love for him was just one-sided and today as the last school bell rang, you knew it will end like that till you breathe your last. maybe it won`t hurt as much as you think but maybe these memories won`t fade that slowly. but it`s okay, as you told yourself, that it`s okay to be a little crazy sometimes.
but right then as the almost empty reservation room gets emptier, as the air around you becomes much lighter, you realize that he`s finally looking at you and what was that thing in his eyes―you must have seen it, read it so many times in those books. it was like he has waited for such a long time for this moment to come, for this exact minute to come and just return your gaze. it was like, the weight from his shoulders have been lifted, his mind is clearer and he`s finally with you, all alone and no one to take a question out of you.
“jongho.”
it wasn`t a question and neither it was a statement. it was like breathing and you felt something new inside you, at the tip of your tongue. but all he does is smile and this time his smile made his little baby teeth, his gums to show with prominence.
“________, stop being such a worrisome kid,” he closes his eyes for a split second and continues, “you should know, you must know it`s all for you.”
“i`ve no idea what you`re talking about.” you stated, moving your face away from his direction and faced forward.
“thank you for the notes.”
“notes?”
jongho hums back, “i never thanked you because we changed our streams after that.”
your eyes widen as the memory cascades down in you that you did, in fact, shared your final notes to him and it was only because he was not able to catch up with the school works due to his late transfer to the class.
“it`s okay. it`s been ages already.”
“why? but it`s still due, isn`t it?”
“it`s okay. i said, it`s okay.”
“you`re still hurting yourself.”
“will you stop with that?!” you ask that a little loudly and in doing that you almost throw your own backpack to the other side of the room. jongho, who was observing your every change of expression, moved swiftly to the floor and picked it up and put it back right beside you.
“i`m sorry if i`m being a bother,” he starts, “but i just want you to stop thinking of me like a fleeting time. i`m not going to forget about you and i want you to never forget about me. i don`t know what you like, what you love, what books you read, what you do in your free time but i know whom you love,” he watches your face carrying a horrified expression. he watches how you move your head and slowly look up to him but you still aren’t looking into his eyes so he continues, “and i don`t want to escape from that place where you carry me. i`m happy that i`ve been able to stay in someone`s heart. was i able to give any sort of comfort while i was there?”
yes, you wanted to say, yes, you did. you were always there for me, you were always smiling and i didn`t even know if you were hurting from inside or not but when i was hurt you still smiled without even knowing what i was feeling from inside. you were there since day one and even now as i say this in my mind, i think you can still hear me but i`m stupid, i`m scared of losing people and things and all these feelings. so i hide. please forgive me but that look you`re giving me right now doesn`t make things any easier. please smile.
“you`ve no idea,” you say, finally.
choi jongho only smiles.
it was no mistake.
if you would look back at every word he said, they carried so many different meanings that you had a hard time connecting the dots to the line he created where you both stand at each endpoints.
jongho eventually stayed till your own train arrived. he even voluntarily missed his own one, walked you to your home where your mother ended up thanking him a multiple time and also invited him for an afternoon snack which he very politely declined. after all, it was really getting dark and he had to take the next train on time.
days later after the end of your and his last school exam, he had done the same thing as above but this time he did stay behind for the snacks and when you saw him out of the door, he had given a bow at your direction thanking you.
“it`s alright. you can always come in and hangover.”
when jongho lifts himself up and looks down at you from his height, he smiles the same way he did when you had shouted at him some days back in the reservation room.
“no, i didn`t thank you for that.”
“then, why?”
it was at that moment when he starts walking backwards, his eyelids shivering the same way and he says back, “thank you for carrying me in your heart. bye-bye!” and, off he runs out of your sight.
it took you hours and hours of realization to hit you with the fact that it wasn`t just a thank you―it was a farewell of some kind and you heard something breaking with a crack from somewhere.
