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GOT TO SEE HIM TODAY

#mine #jorge chronicles #woke up at 5am to drive three hours into the mountains #lil bro drove part of the way which was scary bc he's learning but he did good!#we went to the aquarium which was nice and dark which I wasn't expecting #it was loud and crowded but bc I wasn't bombarded w uv it was easier to bear #we saw three penguins and two lizards and a mermaid show that was so captivating

we've reached the Scratched The Surface part of therapy.

#mine #lem experiences cognitive behavioural torture #he always makes a point to say how much work I'm doing and it confuses me greatly #sir I am just sitting here #we talked abt the plans I made w jorge and med stuff and the 3hr prayer confessions mum used to try to get information out of me <3 #absolute mess of a conversational flow tbh #bc I'm on edge and snapping at ppl when I don't want to he suggested doing more emotional temp checks #at first I was V irritated bc if I have to dig out that damn emotional colour wheel I'm going to dark red #however he said it's okay if I don't name what I'm feeling. I can start w just ''getting agitated'' and then I can do my favourite action #leave.#I do have to come back later tho 😔#I also told him abt jorge's three rules for when he gets here and he suggested practicing Not Doing That Stuff™ by imagining him here #and focusing on calming down #which I don't want to do bc heart-explosion levels of ??? emotion. but I do want to actually exist in the same room as my friend #therapist said I'm v straightforward (???) and to talk w jorge abt how I'll be working on the emotional regulation so we can adapt #jorge chronicles #ngl not fond of the ''you have to return to the situation once you've calmed down'' thing. like #..I get it. but I don't wanna.#today's session was a lot. we ended talking abt mum and I just... I don't even know how to begin processing that #cliff was waiting in the car w mum when I got outside and he was v high energy and asked what my therapist said and dgkdkgsjf #v vaguely saying ''he says I've got ptsd'' while the cause of said ptsd is less than a foot away is..... 😬😬😬#thankfully mum didn't ask for details so I didn't talk much on the ride home #we got sundaes tho so that was nice

I love giving ppl gifts but I hate picking the gifts I give this is so hard

#mine #jorge chronicles #first the updates.. we continue to have synchronized depression and he's studying to sell real estate.#now the venting.#I'm trying to get him a birthday present but he refuses to cooperate #''what do you want?'' ''a girlfriend'' BOY 🔪🔪#getting him a yugioh funko pop #it's weird that I know so much abt this man but have zero understanding of how to apply it in like.. normal ways #honestly this is a v short vent. thought I had more in me.

checking in on sick friends like

["are ya winning, son?" meme edited to say "are ya breathing, my dear friend whom I care so much about?"]

#mine #covid-19 for the historians #jorge chronicles

he went fishing. didn't know he liked that

#mine #jorge chronicles #his work's been a drama fest as usual but he's stable #he's thinking abt getting an alchemy tattoo instead of a bear #I'm rly glad to hear his voice when it's not under duress

signed up for classes this spring. not looking forward to that but I guess I've got to finish something ¯\_(:/)_/¯

#mine #one small step for lem #I also signed up for my company's 401k plan but bc my head is killing we I did the express thing for the smallest amount #I'm only taking one class in January bc I'm working full time #today has been sort out all the money things on your to-do list Or Else day #so I also sent jorge a $10 amazon code bc originally we'd agreed on $40 and I WAS gonna surprise him w $50 but we had a falling out #and $10 is a small enough amount I think I can send tastefully #should be ever get his act together I'll go big but that's another day's problem #jorge chronicles #I still need to talk to grandpa abt taking over one of the bills #I'm thinking water or internet bc I use those a lot but I'll let him decide bc I rly don't care

I think I'd is the second time I've had a seizure due to joy. that's messed up tbh

#mine #jorge chronicles #he's alive and talking to me and more importantly not drinking rn #he's not doing Great obviously but I was happy to hear from him #unfortunately the chemicals in my brain are annoying #I was v low on serotonin yesterday and ended on a high and then had several seizures in a row #p sure all together that was a half hour but who knows #big sis said I smelled like licorice #mum tried to carry me on her back to my bed but that was a disaster lol #ended up on big sis's #slept soundly tho and today I'm alerting everyone #glad I have monday off for work #asked my teacher for a two week extension which is Oof bc Friday is supposed to be the end of the course #and this is the second extension bc I unqueered my spine at the start fjfhdh #lem has a body

did not sleep well last night

#mine #jorge chronicles #yeah this is about opal #so opal called Sunday which doesn't happen a bunch bc cell reception #and I felt weird bc on the one hand !!! but on the other... I can't hear #I have to train my ears to process voices and that takes time and effort and ppl tend to hate talking to me during that bc I don't CONVERSE #I wanna make the effort but bc of the reception quality it's going to take even longer and I just feel so isolated #then right after that jorge called and I tell him all this and he decides Now is the time to annoy me by changing pitch and speed #which is v inconsiderate and my brain goes into overdrive trying to keep up #which means I got that fun high feeling that means I lay on the floor blitzed out of my mind #so I couldn't shower like I intended to bc that's a health hazard #and jorge called me baby which I did NOT like and instinctively pulled the phone away from my ear when I should've just hung up on him #I need to firm up some boundaries bc he's crossing lines and ik he only does this when I'm not thinking clearly and that's skeevy #anyway so I forgot to take melatonin until 11pm and I couldn't get my brain to just... stop #it wasn't even doing anything but I couldn't sleep #I had an alarm set for 6am so I could shower before work but my legs are wobbly and I don't trust myself to stand #so now it's nearly nine and I still have to do SOMETHING bc I have a meeting at 10 #I was supposed to include the one dream I had between 6am and now but I'm all out of spoons

#jorge chronicles

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