#josh f.

[sappylittlecam-blog]

Having a huge fight with Josh and I can’t even go and talk to Joe about it because I know he’s busy and I don’t want him to think I’m just trying to make him feel bad. I don’t know what’s happening.

[sappylittlecam-blog]

All I want is to text him and tell him to come back, beg him to take me back. But josh is right. We need space. I’m just afraid joe will never want me back.

[sappylittlecam-blog]

June 14, 2018

I have been feeling like a terrible friend the past few days. I have felt utterly useless, and just generally horrible the past few days. Here’s just a snippet of why I think I might be feeling this way:

I upset Josh by just not thinking about who I was talking to and being a jerk. Twice. Saying things that I shouldn’t have said to him knowing fully well the things that he has shared with me about different mental health issues and just generally being a fucking asshole. 

Cam hasn't really been talking to me lately. I know he's busy, but part of my head is still thinking, "Wow, he must hate me." I know that he’s busy, I know that. I know that he has a ton going on. And he says that he’s excited for next week and excited to spend the week together having fun, but he’s going to get so bored of me so fast because I don’t do anything fun by his standards. I sit at home all day, playing video games or working. And he’s gonna get so sick of me so fast. That’s honestly one of the biggest reasons that I wanted Joe to come for pride and shit, because I know that if Joe’s around, we’ll have fun; Cam will have fun. But that upset him; he wanted to spend time with just me. And I know he’s going to regret it.

Josh... I just haven't been checking in on him because I've been so focused on myself which makes me feel like an ass. I know he’s going through the process of getting his meds balanced out with his doctor and I know that’s taken a toll on him. I know he’s anxious about the move for the summer. And I just haven’t been checking in on him.

There are two women in particular who keep trying to have conversations with me but all either of them does is bitch. However, I'm too nice to say anything. The same’s kind of true for Calum... All he does it complain and shit and I just can’t bring myself to say something and address it fully. I’m really bad at standing up for myself when it’s warranted and too good at standing up for myself when I shouldn’t (AKA getting defensive).

I realized that Eli and I just aren't very good friends anymore. That makes me so fucking sad but... I can’t talk to someone who won’t talk to me, who doesn’t feel as though they can or should tell me anything personal but pries personal details out of me. It’s not... It makes me uncomfortable. And so I have to let him distance himself, regardless of whether I want him to or not, because it’s obviously what he wants and what’s probably best in the long run.

There are some people that pop up on the dash and they make me so uncomfortable and so uneasy because they haven’t been nice to me, they’re kind of assholes in my experience, but everyone seems to love them. And it’s irrational, I shouldn’t give a shit, but I do. This isn’t necessarily a friend thing, but it makes me feel like a giant piece of shit, so...

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Joe told me that I have to take care of myself and take time for myself; that it doesn’t make me selfish or an asshole to do so. Maybe me not taking enough time for myself is part of the issue. Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling completely in my head or right in my skin, unless I’m with Joe. But I just feel so guilty pulling away from people when I want to help and when I want to try and make them feel better. But I also need to keep reminding myself that I’m no good for anyone when I’m like this, least of all myself.

[lovelislying-blog]

Chrissy doesn’t talk to me. Ashton can’t talk to me. Josh is starting to not talk to me...

Am I that forgettable?

Given, all the situations are different, but still.

[lovelislying-blog]

This morning I rolled over and woke up to Josh's fuzzy face. Given, I'm hungover as hell, but it was still nice. The room was dark and cold, but he was so warm... Designated Cuddle Buddy? Maybe.

[lovelislying-blog]

Josh asked me to be his plus one for the APMAs, and I guess I said yes-   He isn’t a rebound. Hell, you can’t rebound if you were never bound to anyone in the first place. Right? Right.

Anyway, he’s a nice flirt.. a lot of fun. I don’t feel he needs sex from me, even if he does want it. Even If I think I might want it too. Just a thought.

Anyway, 

I’m a little excited for tonight, I guess.

[lovelislying-blog]

I really want to ask Ashton about he and Luke; I almost need to ask him about if anything is happening between them, but it isn’t fair. It’s so unfair, and I’m disappointed in myself for even needing the answer to that question- Hell, what if I don’t know how to handle the answer? 

I can’t handle that Nia is obviously hiding things from me, that she won’t even have time for me anymore soon. She already didn’t have any for me last night.. when I wasn’t feeling well, and just needed her.

But Josh did. He always seems to have time for me.

Jesus, I’m still so confused. 

And.. I’m lonely. So fucking lonely, all the damn time- Talking to myself, and laughing at the jokes in my head.. stealing alcohol during the breakdown after ever show ends. Alone. I have to keep reminding myself, I’m alone. 

Loverenlis and Lil Odd aren’t real. 

They aren’t.

[lovelislying-blog]

Josh frustrates me..