Cooking Time
So while searching the internet one morrow, I discovered that it was plagued with food recipes. There was so much food, and I became hungry. Not just for any food, but for the most perfect food.
Narrowing my choices, I discovered that these recipes were made by the people themselves. They were creating food! How does one do such a thing? How does one create? How to form, or give birth to such awesome scrumptiousness?
I began my journey. In doing so I created my own rising Delicious-Factory! (combination of Delicious and Satisfactory). I give to you: Ulumphluthlum!
Ulumphluthlum
Ready in about 3 to 7 months.
Ingredients:
3 gallons of chloroform
2 teaspoons of Uranium
½ a cup of skimmed milk
2 cups of water
2 cups of purified water
1 quarter
Bread
7 to 20 eggs (Depends on bread and radiation of Uranium)
8 plum halves (for those who are math illiterate that is 5 plums)
Bone Saw
Goat
Severed Hand
Directions:
To begin, preheat the oven to 644.261 Kelvin. This must be exact. If you are off by one decimal, the whole world will hate you. To make certain this temperature is accurate, if you place your hand inside and it begins to melt, you are getting closer to the correct temperature.
Dab the chloroform onto a towel and set them aside for later use.
Crack all the eggs into a nearby sink by throwing them across the kitchen. Note: I played a game with my cat. We tried to see who could make them explode the largest. My cat won.
Use the bread to mop the egg from the sink and then place it onto a plate. Begin placing plums into the bread at different angles. Note: I don’t have a cat.
Drink the purified water. Then, because you mistook the regular water for the purified, drink the actually purified water. Note: If you actually drank the purified water without making the mistake, begin again at step one.
Take the goat and begin to stroke him starting from the head to the tail. Become entranced by the softness of the goat. Take the two teaspoons of uranium and place them inside the bread while continuing to stroke the goat. Note: If you do not have a goat, you can use a llama.
Turn the lights off and wait until someone enters. Grab the chloroform and apply it to cover their mouth and nose. Gently lay them on the floor.
Flip the quarter. If it lands on heads, go to step 9 if it lands on tails, skip step 9 and go to ten.
Place the severed hand next to the person you chloroformed. Wait till they wake up and react to the severed hand.
Give the person the goat and send them off. You have work to do, but you are almost done. Note: Make sure they leave with the severed hand. Otherwise, it will become a nuisance and get in your way.
Place the bread into the oven and cook until properly crispy. Both the inside and outside should be soldering black.
Take the bone saw and begin to cut the bread into perfectly even slices. Place on the table and enjoy.
This is one of my many recipes that I made on my journey to finding the perfect food. This one is best served as a desert under a dim fire. It was loved by many of my friends and family. If you enjoy the recipe let me know and I’ll place another recipe I have made later on in the future.
On a more a freshly waxed note, we are steadily at work on our series Revelations and we apologize for the tardiness. You will greatly enjoy the series and hope to get some feedback from you guys.
One of our members has a birthday coming up and we wish him a great birthday. He will be turning the big One-Three. We are very proud of him. (Edit: I was misinformed. He is turning 87). Feliz Cumpleaneos Nick Cummings.
Again, I hope you have a delicious day! Follow us on twitter and like us on Facebook. This is Josiah Sutherland, and happy eating to all!