Happy Easter! You all know what that means. YUP, it’s scary story time. These are actual events that happened and none of this was fabricated. All I will tell you is the truth. No lies, I promise. I’m not joking. Honestly. You don’t believe me… But you should.
Once upon a time, there was a land wrought in blessed turmoil. People would sing joyous songs about the glory days that had come and past. Celebrations were held in brothels and that is pretty much the jest of it.
Why are they in turmoil? Well, there is a legend about this fanged creature with sharp claws and dark red eyes. They were the eyes of death, for anyone who looked in on these eyes… They died! (Yes I understand if everyone who looked in the eyes died, then no one would know what the eyes looked like. LEAVE MY PLOT HOLES BEEEEEEEEEEEEE).
There was a hero, of course. For all intents and purposes, let’s call him Hero. It is a fitting name for a hero. Hero traveled across the land searching for a beast that could stand against his might, but no such beast existed. Or did it? Psst… If you didn’t catch on… the savage beast with the eyes of death might stand against his might. It was a cleverly placed foreshadowing. He dies in the end of this story, but you’ll see.
Hero learned of this terrible beast when he was visiting one of the kingdom’s seventy brothels (He eventually visited all seventy, but that’s a different story I’ll tell during Valentine’s Day for those people who are in desperate need of some X rated adult content).
“I come searching for a beast to face my might!” said Hero.
“Well this is a brothel, dear. We have plenty of suitable men that can take on that might of yours.” The mistress responded while caressing her face with a stump of what was left of her hand.
“I’ll come by again tomorrow.”
And so Hero left. After several months and several “beasts” later, Hero eventually learned of the fanged monster living not far from the brothel. This is where his journey began. However, some would argue that technically his journey began when he sought out his first 'beast' to conquer.
He walked through the forest, examining every tree he came by, in case the beast was being stealthy and hiding behind the trees. This part is really boring, so I’ll skip it… Umm fast forwarding to the good part.
And the beast slashed his claws through Hero’s throat, making him collapse as blood poured down his chest. The beast opened his mouth wide and began to consume Hero until all that was left was his…
Wait… That’s too far. Umm rewind back a bit.
Hero approached a large clearing, that was oddly strange looking. It was very odd, the complete opposite of even. In the middle of the clearing sat a small creature. His eyes, black as night, his claws long as 1inch nails, his fangs like... No… Can’t really see the fangs.
The creature that stood before Hero was a small rabbit. It was consuming… a carrot. The carrot was orange. The bunny was white. The entire situation was odd.
“Have you seen a beast, small adorable creature?” said Hero.
The rabbit remained silent, nibbling away at its carrot. Hero sighed in disappointment and left back to the brothel.
3 years passed, and Hero finally made his way back into the forest in search of this beast. He entered the clearing again and saw the bunny still feasting on the carrot. It was the exact same carrot. The rabbit had not moved.
Hero was hungry, but the rabbit wouldn’t share his carrot. Would he?
“Adorable creature, may I consume your carrot?”
The rabbit remained silent, nibbling away at its carrot.
With nothing else left to do, Hero drew his sword and sliced the rabbit in half. He then devoured the rabbit’s carrot, but he was still hungry.
Hero turned to see the bunny he slayed grow into a giant beast. He stood eleventy feet tall, with large claws and fangs. His white mangy hair barely covered his bunny body. Hero drew his sword but it was too late.
Rabbit rushed Hero before he could react. Rabbit threw the sword aside and the beast slashed his claws through Hero’s throat, making him collapse as blood poured down his chest. The beast opened his mouth wide and began to consume Hero until all that was left was his coupon for half off at the next brothel expenditure.
The rabbit ate another carrot and lived happily ever after.
The kingdom still lived in turmoil and eventually everyone died. But for many years it was known for throwing the best brothel parties in all the lands. Hero was eventually forgotten, except by a few of the men who he had conquered and left an impressionable mark on.
I hope you enjoyed my lovely Easter story. It probably set you in the mood to do whatever you do on Easter. With that, have a lovely day. XD
