#journal 2013

[uncrowd]

Made of Light

some people just lit up for some reason, and that reason is what most of us wake up everyday wanting to have instilled. not the wanting. not the waking. But the instillation of light, which we call pure, rather an entity not subjection. I could cry many ways, scream in vacuum, shut down my voice box, but where I keep what I wish to have, is where what I have not but keep at, by one mean and pray it is. I was born, told of the light in me, though in a language I yet not succumb. I was born lit up. We all had it. We all lost it.

Then we look up, praying for the stars, no matter how far to hit us back to whole.

[uncrowd]

helping others is an obligation

uphamol worked its purpose after 15 mins and i am here on tuesday night, burning the midnight oil for many things - nanowrimo, paperwork, reading, waiting for Atp London Final to start and oh more thinking. something happened a year ago in a small fisherman's harbour's restaurant in Iceland that got me so angry and since the incident i couldn't let it go. a friend of mine was joking when saying no in teasing intonation voice, when i asked her to helped me reached for a pamphlet. bit annoying but that was not the reason for my sudden boiling temperature for 10 seconds. immediately my heart went slumped. i couldn't control my tight face. my tiny expectation was shot down. i could have helped myself to it if i could. the situation was fairly easy and yet this tiny small action hits a big nerve. and while i was listening to my other friend laughing at the joke and said "helping is a choice, it's not mandatory" my brain went on and on to this : "why isn't helping people mandatory? why is it a choice?" i gave out a tight laugh, i bet my face was as ugly as it can be. i look at them and thought of myself - clearly i'm probably an alien in this world who didn't think it was funny. note* thank god, we're still good friends now. it was not so much of the tease, it was the principal of it all. after many attempts and observance on my lack of capacity to accept this specific joke, i came to another corner. helping people who asked for help IS mandatory. it only becomes an option when you are incapable. and the options variations lies on HOW you help not whether you should or not. help in itself is a good thing, the reason comes second. the objective is that the outcome must be made to be as good. saying no means power. and people shouldn’t abuse it. no humble person can subject helping as a choice. Help in itself means to serve others purpose not self gain. the logical thing i get to is that only egoistical people think otherwise. tease or not, i was cut that day. not because of the teaser but by what my other friend thought of it as a right. it just breaks my heart to know there are people who think this way, even if they are friends.

[alifeofsmiles]

Making Progress on "Me"

The past few days have been so wonderful. In fact, this past month has been a journey of self discovery. And today it really sank in. I am slowly becoming who I have always wanted to be. I am doing things I have always wanted to do. I am living my life the way I have envisioned it. And it feels amazing.

I have become more studious. I am taking school a lot more seriously and am doing all my homework and actually putting in effort to study for tests. Today I got a fashion makeover and finally went out and bought clothes to fit the style I have always wanted to wear, but never had the courage (or money) to do it. I got a new piercing and am planning to color my hair soon. I am going to start going to the gym to get into shape. I am cooking dinner now. And much more. I had been accomplishing little bits here and there to improve myself, but I think the clothes makeover today is what really made it all sink in. I have never felt more "me" in my entire life. And I love it. It's such an amazing feeling to have. I am so happy and content with who I am, and I love who I am. And I am happy I am on a path of self improvement to make myself the best I can be and to make myself who I want to be.

It can only get better from here on out (: I feel amazing. Life is good.

[alifeofsmiles]

Learning

So far this year has been a year of nothing but learning experiences. And let me tell you, have I learned a lot. I am learning what I want in life, who I want to be friends with and who my real friends are, I am learning more and more about me each day, and more about what I want to get out of life. So many things have revealed themselves to me within the past few months. I am growing more as a person and becoming even stronger. Even though the times are tough, it is teaching me how to get my life in order and what I want from life and how to achieve it. It is helping me get my act together and learn valuable lessons.

I have also had revelations about a lot of things as well. I have realized mistakes I have made in the past, and I have learned from them. I have realized the kind of person I want to be with in life. I have realized what kind of people I want in my life. I have realized the kind of person I have been this year, and I no longer want to be that person. I want to better myself.

I think the most important thing though that I have learned is not to rely on others, for anything. Do not rely on others for happiness, do not rely on others to be there for you, and do not rely on others in general. Because in the end, it will lead to you getting hurt, let down, or disappointed. I have learned to only rely on myself and to start focusing more on myself rather than always put others before me. This year has taught me how valuable focusing on yourself can be. It's how you can achieve your goals and dreams and accomplish what you want. If you focus on yourself, no one or nothing can stand in your way. And it will allow you to grow more as a person and figure yourself out.

This year is definitely the year of learning about myself and figuring out my life. And each day, things become more and more clear.

[uncrowd]

Rockstars

What I am looking for is not an enigma but a solid being. I can’t seem to grasp this want I have carried in my bones, as my bones grow larger, begin obsessing of larger canvas, forgetting that my bones in itself is a solid being. My fingers, my voice. But it’s in others play of fingers and voice that I mightily try to hold on to.

why is that?

why can’t I hold myself in front of me and say..there, that is all there is to it. and be enough.

But I believe in something larger than my bones. That is it isn’t it? that is how I see solidity - by being human. by believing something larger than my bones.

I wasn’t forgetting or obsessing, along the line all along, I am solid as I am searching. I am solid as I search for the enigma.

the enigma was not my perceiving of beyond, The enigma was me holding a mirror hoping to find solidity.

the solidity can’t be reflected, it has to come to be inside of me.

and so I wake up, and look up while shaking the dust off my shoes, my heart beat, once then many twice.

in between that two beats, is the most solid structure.

among the exteriors, the enigma was that I was it and most of the time I did not know.

and that is why human have that feeling of breaking mirrors that we long ago stared into in the name of finding it.

[uncrowd]

First Words

i fell in love with words before I knew its faces, before i knew writing can save me, before it did.

eventually, i fell in love with the idea of it all, and ever since, i always come back to the corner where it all began, where i simply vanish and another world takes over.

within the circle of years and yearnings, the pain awaken, the healing succumb.

[alifeofsmiles]

Happiness

It's amazing how much being happy with your life alters your mood. Reflecting back on how I felt/acted these past six months, compared to how I have been acting this past month since I've turned my life around, it's like I am a completely different person.

I have been way more social with all my friends. I have been keeping in touch with more people and been more outspoken. And I have noticed that I have been posting so much happy posts and comments on other people's Facebook statuses! It's like I can't keep this happiness to myself, I have been sharing my good attitude with everyone around me as well. I haven't been able to stop smiling these past three weeks. From when I wake up to when I go to bed I am in a good mood.

My life is amazing right now, and thinking about my future makes me even happier. I know my future is bright, and I don't know for certain what is in store for me, but I know it can only be good from this point on. I have hope for the future, and I know things will go well (:

Moral of the story: Don't let things going on in your life bring you down. Be happy with what you've got, live in the present, and look forward to the future. Everything will work out on its own.

"It is not what happens to you but how you respond to what happens to you."

[alifeofsmiles]

School come faster!

I am SO excited for this school year to start :D I have never been more excited for a school year before in my life! I am counting down the days until it begins. For once, I am happy summer is ending and the fall semester is beginning.

There are so many things I am looking forward to:

Taking upper division classes and furthering my knowledge in my major. AND hopefully getting all super good grades :D

Joining several clubs, including community service clubs, and being active on campus.

Being able to go to the three story recreation center to finally start working out and getting into shape.

Being able to work on campus for my job is a super plus.

Attending this campus in general just makes me excited!! :D

This is definitely going to be the best semester yet, and hopefully best school year ever! I cannot wait n__n

August 26th arrive faster!