serrying

a journal about someone from the past, present and once in a while the future.

[uncrowd]

all over the place of places that is all over

i'm guilty of multi-tasking big time. it ain't healthy for starters. it ain't that much fun. it certainly ain't a walk in the park. but that is apparently how i am built, capable of, often driven towards. i knew i have many sides that i love about myself. as much as i am way too critical on myself, i too would love to see every beloved parts of me that is beautiful, mysterious, new, inspiring, incredibly fun, to grow as how it should grow. perhaps, i am complaining when i should be thanking the stars for finally revealing the map. MAP OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW is that I am a transportation project manager, corporation secretary and book keeper, a lyricist, an art collector and seller, art entrepreuner, graphic designer/consultant, art manager, occasional netball player...and i am tired of listing these. What I really want to do is to be inspired. To have energy to do more of what I love, and that is to be inspired, see inspiring things, record them, and write it all in a beautiful exciting way that when i read it 3 years from now, i could still feel the excitement of it all. Ive missed being in a beautiful building. Ive missed seeing beautiful connection. Ive missed feeling that the world is larger than me. I miss being wrapped up in love. YES YES. I need a change of scenery. I shall.

[uncrowd]

Open windows

i thought putting people ahead myself is a sign of weakness. that it was an excuse for me not to care more of myself, an excuse to let me be drowning in self pity. sometimes, you help people get what they want and in return they forget you completely. it hurts like no other. to have an invincible hand. to grasp for air when you are suffocating. to have no one to open the window for you. then i try to understand through Allah's love. understanding who Allah truly is. then there are thousands of open window surrounding me! see being a muslim, is being a human. that means we are all equipped to HELP others. our capabilities to help is a key to being the most loved. see, every hidden goodness we do for the sake of helping others be better, is the very definition of doing it for the sake of Allah. for we will never know if the people will help you back. never! but Allah? WELL THEN. HE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU TRULY ARE. Allah never let your good deeds unrewarded - muslim or not, humans are HIS. And for that, being human, and being a muslim, all my life, i was never actually in the loosing side. it was never self pity when someone do not care. it was self loving that Allah loves me at that very same dark times when im alone. For Allah owns the open windows and through this love, I'll always breathe.

[uncrowd]

i wore a sheer top today without realizing it

it was clearly sheer. i was at my uni reunion lunch where all that came was this set of people who has always been this set of people. not much of a reunion. against my bad feeling about it, i went and exactly as i anticipated, it was not only discouraging but the first thing that i was being welcomed with, "sis you came alone?" "yes, why? can i not?" "no. hahahaha" it is hilarious. i mean seriously. therefore, there i was single, 4 years older among almost all but one and i mingle in conversations, listening attentively, and occasionally people keep asking me about my work. like its a mystery. like being a daughter of a businessman is. like working a family business in a wide range of things, plus working with a company as well as being a board director for a cooperation is an alien job. well, i left me being a board director part out. i left many things about my job out, for many reasons. but particularly to these people, i just don't want to share that part of my life with them. and so, they remain clueless, confused on what else to ask about me. instead, they went on talking about lack of sex life, birth control and difficulty to conceive. i get it, they are all young parents. as amazing as they are, so are everyone else. i don't know how i managed to have such diverse set of mentalities when it comes to friends. but this one is by far the oddest one i still trying to keep alive. why is that you ask, frankly i'm in the dark too. rewinding back, the reason they were friends was that they were young, free and full of heart. now they are young and full of heart exclusively for their own. i'm obviously on the border of being judgmental. setting them in compartments is not fair at all. but i wore a sheer top today without realizing it and at the end of the day, i was the one left embarrassed. after this reunion, i went to see one of newest and closest friend, then to my oldest friend's house to see his niece, which have the same name as my niece. it's a two world apart and now i am here writing. i am by far the one ended up being torn apart in different directions. i am a 10 of me when it comes to my job and family. and i am also a 10 of me being with friends. God is the only one that knows the 1 true me. Only God. And sometimes i wish there is another human being that can see me as 1 too. i really do.

[uncrowd]

i want to be happy for it but i can't

i've spent years thinking yet every day combining all these thinking equals to absolutely nothingness. zero. my soul is spent. wisely? i thought so. i hoped that it did and yet here i am in this cloud of misery trying to shield myself from someone else's shining light. i am being blinded by someone else's happiness as i am speaking now. incredibly annoying, incredibly heavy and an immense dark spot is hitting me right in my chest. i never felt so much unhappiness for someone else's happiness. never when my ex got married. never when my crushes got married. never when my oldest best friend got married. and yet here is a friend who i barely knew, traveled with, she became my newest good friend and yet day by day i find her incredibly fake. it's like she's lurking behind this good intentions and matched it with clueless attitude as an excuse to bigger herself. this type of person is dangerous. i find myself puzzled with myself and this sense of hatred, uneasiness, insincerity. it felt like i had choked myself with so much water, being poured down while i was sleeping and left me awaken in the last minute, having living in a nightmare for so damn long. maybe this is an over exaggeration. but i don't feel it so. and my head hurts trying to think my way out of this bad feeling. my heart hurts so bad. i want to clear my heart. i want to scratch her out of my life for good. but no, my friend keeps calling, pretend to share tiny details as if sharing that means she cares for the little me. i don't give a fuck anymore. what i want is for you to be happy, to be gone and leave me be. i don't need your fake in my life anymore. seriously, goodbye.

[uncrowd]

I like remembering people

I do. I remember people as they were within specific moments, I let them become something that never dies. I carry those moments like I am carrying their essence of existence, that if I didn't they are washed off and I would be left with empty memories. memories are always people to me. even in amazing places, Paris, London, Chile, my childhood place - Mersing and even as far as The Arctic, I was there in every moment, with people. But keeping people this way as moments, i never realized what it means...until now. I realized at 33, these memories were the way I used to protect myself, to be at bay and stand still staring at the stars above the wide dark ocean at night, surrounding myself with nature songs, praying that this is enough in my lifetime for me to truly lived. They were jars of fireflies that I caught while traveling around the globe of my life. I felt safe holding them this way. Also free. like all things, a balance act follows. And I realized I was standing among hundreds of light jars, I was standing alone. No one I could call and say, "look at how beautiful they are!" The secrets and beauties life had gave me remain closely lid. I realized all these lights never truly touches me. They were unable to. They were trapped - by me. for me to think, carrying them as a source of light, I didn't understand how being human supposed to work. Along the way I have forgotten the purpose of memories. It deepens one's look of life but also it has more magic than I let it. As much as people loved to be remembered, it meant nothing if it remains a memory for displays. I guess I never saw them as more than a bright spot filling a space. In the liking of this kind of ways of remembering, I had turned myself into a ghost.

[uncrowd]

keep reminding oneself

repeating what one already know is frustrating because it means we haven't reached any kind of understanding whatsoever. it's f-ing waste of space in my head to rethink things that are clear, plain and simple...why am i troubling myself with it? how important is a heart when your heart is screwing you, telling you to rethink. what i feel is of course valid but only when my brain truly accepting it. then perhaps this feeling is not a fool's end but my only saviour. perhaps, having continous bad feelings about certain relationship means there is something wrong with it and not me. God knows how fast i would blame myself for all the bad things even when i have no clue what i did wrong. its like second nature to me to accept responsibility for someone else's downfall because i never fully accept myself as enough. this is a contradiction to my faith because if I have Allah in my heart, I myself must be enough? or is this fear that it's getting a bit too dark too quickly as of late? without concrete reason as always i find myself doing it - telling myself it's all for the best. i am this fond of selling myself short.

[uncrowd]

Made of Light

some people just lit up for some reason, and that reason is what most of us wake up everyday wanting to have instilled. not the wanting. not the waking. But the instillation of light, which we call pure, rather an entity not subjection. I could cry many ways, scream in vacuum, shut down my voice box, but where I keep what I wish to have, is where what I have not but keep at, by one mean and pray it is. I was born, told of the light in me, though in a language I yet not succumb. I was born lit up. We all had it. We all lost it.

Then we look up, praying for the stars, no matter how far to hit us back to whole.

[uncrowd]

sick and tired

it's painful to watch your own little brother goes down because you can't help them help themselves. at some point in one's life, you just got to accept that a heart that is too tainted can't healed except with God's grace. i trust in God more than me and more than my brother. i always have. only God.

[uncrowd]

helping others is an obligation

uphamol worked its purpose after 15 mins and i am here on tuesday night, burning the midnight oil for many things - nanowrimo, paperwork, reading, waiting for Atp London Final to start and oh more thinking. something happened a year ago in a small fisherman's harbour's restaurant in Iceland that got me so angry and since the incident i couldn't let it go. a friend of mine was joking when saying no in teasing intonation voice, when i asked her to helped me reached for a pamphlet. bit annoying but that was not the reason for my sudden boiling temperature for 10 seconds. immediately my heart went slumped. i couldn't control my tight face. my tiny expectation was shot down. i could have helped myself to it if i could. the situation was fairly easy and yet this tiny small action hits a big nerve. and while i was listening to my other friend laughing at the joke and said "helping is a choice, it's not mandatory" my brain went on and on to this : "why isn't helping people mandatory? why is it a choice?" i gave out a tight laugh, i bet my face was as ugly as it can be. i look at them and thought of myself - clearly i'm probably an alien in this world who didn't think it was funny. note* thank god, we're still good friends now. it was not so much of the tease, it was the principal of it all. after many attempts and observance on my lack of capacity to accept this specific joke, i came to another corner. helping people who asked for help IS mandatory. it only becomes an option when you are incapable. and the options variations lies on HOW you help not whether you should or not. help in itself is a good thing, the reason comes second. the objective is that the outcome must be made to be as good. saying no means power. and people shouldn’t abuse it. no humble person can subject helping as a choice. Help in itself means to serve others purpose not self gain. the logical thing i get to is that only egoistical people think otherwise. tease or not, i was cut that day. not because of the teaser but by what my other friend thought of it as a right. it just breaks my heart to know there are people who think this way, even if they are friends.

[uncrowd]

Rockstars

What I am looking for is not an enigma but a solid being. I can’t seem to grasp this want I have carried in my bones, as my bones grow larger, begin obsessing of larger canvas, forgetting that my bones in itself is a solid being. My fingers, my voice. But it’s in others play of fingers and voice that I mightily try to hold on to.

why is that?

why can’t I hold myself in front of me and say..there, that is all there is to it. and be enough.

But I believe in something larger than my bones. That is it isn’t it? that is how I see solidity - by being human. by believing something larger than my bones.

I wasn’t forgetting or obsessing, along the line all along, I am solid as I am searching. I am solid as I search for the enigma.

the enigma was not my perceiving of beyond, The enigma was me holding a mirror hoping to find solidity.

the solidity can’t be reflected, it has to come to be inside of me.

and so I wake up, and look up while shaking the dust off my shoes, my heart beat, once then many twice.

in between that two beats, is the most solid structure.

among the exteriors, the enigma was that I was it and most of the time I did not know.

and that is why human have that feeling of breaking mirrors that we long ago stared into in the name of finding it.

[uncrowd]

First Words

i fell in love with words before I knew its faces, before i knew writing can save me, before it did.

eventually, i fell in love with the idea of it all, and ever since, i always come back to the corner where it all began, where i simply vanish and another world takes over.

within the circle of years and yearnings, the pain awaken, the healing succumb.

[uncrowd]

friendship

i think i was being crazy and delirious for thinking that something has changed between you and me… i really thought that our friendship would outlast age just like i thought of all my friendships i have kept close for years…

but like the few fallen friendships it seems that this one will follow suit.. it hurts deeply because there was no smoke no siren nothing that can even begin to explain why you are now something i am not fond of and worst not proud of to call a friend

i’ve always proud to say the word friends because it means something valuable to me it is not something i can buy or steal or cheat

it arrives because god decides for us to learn from each other and i guess perhaps god decides that it is time for us to depart ways

it has been a wonderful comfort and now it is one of the saddest thing in the world

to let someone go

it hurts.

[uncrowd]

Tonight

I am crying my heart out, because you become someone intricately special to me, around me, ever so suddenly… but only because you’re with her.

[uncrowd]

In a Funk

I don’t want to be in a loop.

Life can’t be just about me anymore.

I want to talk about someone else’s pain, someone else’s regrets.

Cause I can’t change who I am anymore, this is it and frankly I am fine with it.

I’ve fought so hard for so long, and I will always always end up at the same place.

Why would I do it all over again to just get the same result?

I am great as I am.

So I’m ready to take on someone else’s.

I will take someone else’s everything, and tell the world that they are the same.

They are us.

[uncrowd]

expanded brain : alone in London during the day

i purposely planned for this because i never get to spend time in any of the museums according to my timing. today, the first trip was to the V&A Museum and i spent 6 hours there. went to all the current exhibition which was Ballgowns, Hollywood Costumes & Photography from Middle East, as well as the other parts of the gallery. I especially find the jewelry section highly impressive. I did not set foot in the National Art Library even though my heart skipped a beat being in front of the door. That would be my next visit, to spend time in there looking at photography books. 3 more days of alone time during the day. i just got back from Krakow, Poland last weekend. there i experienced being 300 metres underground in the 13th century salt mine. that was out of this world. it's like a small community down there. and the deeper we went, the more i felt the aloneness feelings surrounding the miners. perhaps, they stayed down there because they called it a quest because to call it daily work is rather depressing actually. but i guess everyone was meant to do something for the benefit of all. i kept forcing myself to express original thoughts and yet my brain just won't budge from mono state. it's frustrating and typical. everytime the eager to write came along at an ease time, the words got stuck. it's the chasing time that made it difficult to spell out my mind. let me start with this. it's 6pm and it's not so cold outside. listening to Bach Cello Suite No 1 while writing this helps but a little. now that i had done this pointless thing, i shall have space for the imaginary words to come gracefully, i hope.

[uncrowd]

change of weather

that someone likes someone else. from where i am standing, it seems to be so. but that's ok because the more i get to know him, the more i find him not to my liking. however, it's nice opening my heart to the possibility. a good step. in 2 days i'm off the the winter world of London. and at my age, the excitement to travel became dimmer. i just have to be honest. those wildly excitement has gone for quite some time now which i think this trip is not granted to be wanted but to be gravely needed - for sanity and for hope. i miss my old self, where i wander aimlessly, figuring things out, exploring with new set of eyes. ever alluring and wonderful. that feeling must come back to me quickly before i blame it all on age and please help me god, time. 2012 is closely coming to an end. and here i am alone, still, not feeling quite adventurous, not feeling that hopeful, not feeling inner happiness, and quite frankly, bored out of my mind. boredom is evil. laziness become too easy to succumb. no matter which corner i cramped myself at, i can't bare the shadow that's swallowing me. so yes, i'm flying off into winter, which my body, can't comprehend, never used to, it's like a slippery slope i am dragging myself downward. i just had to drag myself out of this cocoon. i need to find one thing that i am extremely passionate about. everything that i am right now is great, really, but now i want to strive. i want to ache and sore and meet the edge of the knife and say to it, 'do it'. and stand open arms, let it splinter every part of my body. and open my eyes and realized i am amazingly alive. for that moment, i lay it all on winter to set the path..to unknown, to extraordinary, to existence. something i hoped, a weather able to gesture...

[uncrowd]

no show

so this person i mentioned in my last post. wore something nice. he did not show for group dinner. fantastic.

because i get to the ending faster than expected.

back to normal and loving every second of being myself again.