#journal a day

[rosehips-and-inkstains]

January 4 -

] How can love heal and yet cause so much damage. How can something that can lift you from the darkest depths of your mind, also shred you slowly from the inside out. [

[evanescentshadow]

Days 101-102 of 365...

Days one-hundred one thru one-hundred two. Work and sleep all day. Again, it's what my life continues to be an endless cycle of. On one hand, I am content. There is no sadness, if I'm depressed it does not feel that way. And yet on the other hand, I feel this void. I feel empty sometimes. I want more out of life. I'm sure once school starts up again that I will feel like I have a purpose in life, that I am working towards something. In the meantime, I am just here. How do I get myself out of this cycle, whatever it is. I also having this longing for someone. I try hard not to succumb to loneliness but I'm sure it feel great to have someone again, to have someone be there for me in the same way that I would be there for them. I've come to accept that it's a possibility I may never have that again but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

[evanescentshadow]

Days 97-100 of 365...

days ninety-seven through one-hundred. I'm exhausted and this time it's not a physical exhaustion, it's a mental one. I am so tired of giving my energy to people who are incapable of reciprocating. I will not apologize for giving as much of myself as I do to people but it is unacceptable just how much no one gives the same back, at all. I'm not even asking for much but damn it is it so fucking hard to find someone, even platonically, who keep the same energy that I do? Sometimes I wish I had the capability to not care. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to just move somewhere new and start over, maybe have better luck in a new place. I'm exhausted. It shouldn't be this difficult at this stage in life to find someone who can care about me the same way that I care about them, it shouldn't be...

[evanescentshadow]

Days 88-96 of 365...

Days eighty-eight thru ninety-six. I'm always so exhausted by the time I get home from work that I forget to journal. But not much has changed. Just been working working working. I did hang out with friends last week. Lesson learned: things will almost always NEVER go the way you want it to, you just have to learn to roll with the punches. Aside from the shitty recovery day, I had a great time and my soul craves more moments like this. Creating memories with those I love most will make me feel fulfilled and less empty, like there is an actual purpose to this thing we call life.

[evanescentshadow]

Days 83-87 of 365...

Days eighty-three through eighty-seven. Work work work. It's all my life is these days. I'm making money so not complaining but the desire for human connection grows every day. But Sunday I did get to spend the afternoon with my best friend who I deeply missed. I see him every so often to watch a movie & we talk everyday but it's not the same. Seeing him again to actually hang out together warmed my heart. I really missed just hanging out with him and being stupid together. I wish I had more free time to hang out with the people I love. I need to do better at carving out time for my loved ones. But not even just for their sake but my own. I need to get myself out of spending all day in bed, break the cycle of depression that I've been spiraling in.

[evanescentshadow]

Day 83 of 365...

Day eighty-three. Today I came across an Instagram reel that affected me in a surprising way. In it, you hear a couple laughing together in the background. But there's a caption over the video. "We were so toxic but I will always remember the moments we sounded like this." That is the thing about grief, you think you're okay or moving on and then out of nowhere something as simple as an Instagram post stirs up different emotions. Now in no way do I miss my ex or what we had but I can't help but look back and think like damn when we were great, we were great. Sometimes I wish that had been enough to save us. But I also understand that in the end, leaving each other was best for both of us. I am so far from the person I was when we were together and I'm sure he can say the same. This is all part of the never ending cycle of wanting a partner like that again or at least someone to have moments with like that again. I feel like I deserve it.

[evanescentshadow]

Days 74-81 of 365...

Days seventy-four through eighty-one. Another mass days post. Another work haze. More days off spent glued to the bed. Not sure if it’s depression, exhaustion or a mixture of both. Not really sure how to break myself out of this funk. Usually it just happens naturally on its own. But what do you do when you know you’re in the cycle but can’t get yourself out of it? Like you know that you should but you cannot find the will or the energy to do so. I want to be in a better place mentally but I am just SO tired. What’s curious is that there isn’t necessarily anything going wrong in my life. In fact, everything is great. I am no longer in a toxic work environment, I even got a raise (that has definitely been long overdue). I got into the school I’ve dreamt of attending since I was in middle school. Yes, there is a void in my life in the shape of a partner but I’m still trying to work on not needing another person for happiness. I just need myself. I guess these cycles of depression are just a part of the journey. I’m sure it will all be worth it when I came out the other side.