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day eighty-three- i'm looking at the skull, it's less ugly

#ninjago #ns13 #ns13 spoilers #day eighty-three #jay walker #here i am #hours later realizing i put the wrong day dxkdkdks sorry

A long tunnels end,

holding the faith to keep warm-

stick together now.

Steps from our success,

we must care for each other-

lest we lose ourselves.

A stick and a poke,

small sacrifice for safety-

our protective ward.

#accountability #100 days of creativity #day eighty-three #a bit late #but that is okay #thoughts #stick and poke #mass vaccination #what a day to be alive #writers #thought #thoughts of today #thoughts of tomorrow #the future is now

Day 83 of 365...

Day eighty-three. Today I came across an Instagram reel that affected me in a surprising way. In it, you hear a couple laughing together in the background. But there's a caption over the video. "We were so toxic but I will always remember the moments we sounded like this." That is the thing about grief, you think you're okay or moving on and then out of nowhere something as simple as an Instagram post stirs up different emotions. Now in no way do I miss my ex or what we had but I can't help but look back and think like damn when we were great, we were great. Sometimes I wish that had been enough to save us. But I also understand that in the end, leaving each other was best for both of us. I am so far from the person I was when we were together and I'm sure he can say the same. This is all part of the never ending cycle of wanting a partner like that again or at least someone to have moments with like that again. I feel like I deserve it.

#Day Eighty-Three #Journal A Day #March 23

Day Eighty-Three

do you ever have those moments where you’re fine, kinda neutral, but suddenly it’s like you deflated? I’m probably mostly tired, but it’s a bit of an emotional slump, too. Matt should be going to this wedding as well.

Everything is fine, but I don’t like it. When I stop and look, it’s like someone moved all of the furniture just an inch or two off. Like suddenly the air inside is three degrees cooler. Like there’s a tiny bit less oxygen in the air, not enough to matter, but maybe enough to feel... off.

Everything is normal, but the world is offset. It’s infuriating how similar my life back at Mizzou will be without Matt. There only one person gone. But a person is so much bigger than the space they take up, so I feel like someone took the wrong Jenga piece out. Small piece, but big effect.

I need to start really working towards something big. A lot of days just living isn’t enough to motivate me to keep going. I need a vision bigger than my Bachelor’s degree. I have ideas, but I think they need fleshing out. To me it’s clear that a vision/plan/purpose is what get me past this season. I can’t just go with the flow anymore. I need to lead, I need to do something to break through this. I feel like there’s two options: kinda float but sink, or go at it with all I have. There’s no longer a middle ground, a first gear, a half way. It’s all or nothing.

That may sound so get-up-and-go, but I sit here typing, struggling to finish this. I have no energy. I just feel like I can be low-energy here, napping every day, but once I get back I have to kick it all into a high gear or else get sucked into a whirlpool. I may be wrong, who knows. But I get the sense that I can’t continue the way I have.

Abba, help my desire for You. Give me the energy and strength to do what You lead me to. Help me grow into the leader that I feel You want me to be. Give me courage. Give me wisdom. I love you. Thank you for not abandoning me when I want to abandon You. Amen.

#me #a grief recorded #day eighty-three #how great is our God #grief #ugh

4.13.15

Today I had my first day of work! I’m really excited, and the girl training me was really kind and helpful! She is so sweet. I think I’m going to enjoy this job. I’m already planning spending for my first paycheck

#diaryofiris #day eighty-three