#journaling again

[emer-al]

feeling weepy and strange. i miss the social dynamic of just chasing each other’s tail in a little sheltered throuplet. i’ve sat and done nothing for 3 months but im completely sapped of the will to do anything for another 3 months. i didn’t mean to bite!

[amemoia]

11/20/22 i’ve bought a journal at the store today and i’m not sure what to write but my hs writing teacher always told me to set a timer and just write and write and write without thinking about it. i’ve been thinking a lot lately since i quit my job and lost all my friends. it’s weird. i think about them a lot. i miss it. and honestly i think a year ago if this happened to me i would’ve laid down and died. i would have paused my life but actually i haven’t felt more free. i think i’m supposed to be really sad but for the first time ever i can go and do whatever i want without someone breathing down my neck asking me where i’ve been and who i’m with. i feel like such a cliche walking about towns i don’t live in but i’ve never felt better about it. i want to go to chicago and atlanta and every place i’ve been in with you but without you. i can go to whatever store i want and take my time. when people would ask me about love i would tell them about you but there is no love with no freedom.

[lauraharricrs]

jdjddkfkofofkfkfkkfkfkfosjfmddkk

[fire-dad]

CHA->ATL

I’m at a hostel outside of Atlanta rn and it’s so nice and interesting. Just a lot of people who are either passing through or staying here (sorta temporarily) and it’s interesting as hell. I was about to uber to a liquor store, but Tray, one of the women here, told me I was dumb and I should ride into town with her. So I did.

Jay & Tray. Cruising through the outskirts of ATL. Windows down. Ryan Adams blaring on the radio. Tray talking about her life. How she likes giving people in need snacks out of the back of her car*. Got some PBR and an Evan pint (I’m not partying I’m working) then we stopped at a gas station so I could get dinner*~. 

As soon as we got home I started editing and I had been editing for maybe two hours. I was in the zone or sweet spot or whatever it’s called when my ADHD is shut off for things I like. Then I heard/felt a bowl plop down on the table. Tray said, ‘Sweetie, that is not a dinner for a growing boy. Here’s some spicy mac and cheese with hamburger and beans.’ I looked up like, what? I’m already eating this meat jerky product? With some Doritos for desert. Aka dinner? And she just pushed it at me. “Tray, I’m 24.” She laughed and said, “Oh, baby, you ain’t done growin’ yet...” Now, she’s watching Modern Family and I’m wolfing this down and writing this and wow people are pretty damn cool sometimes.

ALSO I GO TO CA TO SEE THE LIFE OF MY LOVE AND MY LIGHT IN 14 HOURS! AHHHH

*She had A LOT of almonds. *~Almonds, jerky, doritos, gummy bears. A balanced meal.

[trillaryclinton]

a couple of months ago on a random morning Eyan tweeted that a 'happy Jessika is a creative Jessika'

i really don't think anyone else in the world has made that correlation with me.

literally the most simple yet true words about me.

[dreaming-about-reality]

June 10~ SWEET 16

This morning was ehh okay. I went to get my license which was horrible because my mom forced to wear my hair down.. and of course when we got to the DMV it was pouring so hard! Like there went any chance of my picture being decent. And omg I'm horrible.. the sight test was horrible:/ but I got my license along with the ugly picture on it and we left in the gorgeous Louisiana weather.. lolol I had to drive 35 mph on Johnston.. that was torturous..

Anyways, I got home and me and my cousin went to my grandparents house while it poured. We played cards. had spaghetti, and made red velvet cupcakes:) MY FAVE!!!!!

My grandpa let me drive his huge like F150 truck to my house on my own, and I felt like I was driving a tank considering all I ever drove was my mom's little ford focus. I went home did all my chores, and drove back to their house for awhile to just visit. Then I headed home to pack to go to Truc Ly's and took a nap. She picked me up and we had like a mini celebration for my birthday, with just us and Joann! It was so fun, even though I had to ride that damn saddle at Texas Roadhouse..

I can't believe it's been 2 years since we met. I don't really know exactly how to explain this.. but let's just say that when someone doesn't give you a typical item/ gift but instead they give you little things that mean the world to you: that person means a lot to you. That letter and picture were probably the best and most meaningful things I've ever received. It might have meant so little to someone else, or maybe even to her, but at least it meant the world to me. Then the CD was pretty amazing too, and I can tell she spent a lot of time on it, like she said she did:) I LOVE IT!

But anyways, it turned out to be a pretty amazing birthday thanks to my family and friends. And I really appreciated each and every birthday wish I received: from the simplest "happy birthday" to the long paragraphs and instagram posts haha!

All in all, it was a tremendous day,and I would like to thank everyone that had an impact on it<3

[not-the-very-button]

For many various reasons, I would like to curl up into a ball on the couch and give up on life. I am not going to do that. Instead I am going to take a quick shower, put on some fucking clothes ,and go to work. Then, when I get home, I'm going to write an English essay. Maybe do some math homework. Because I have a tendency to forget that I have power over so many aspects of my life. And if ignore that power or refuse to use it? I'm giving in. I'm doing the worst possible thing I can do to myself. I'm not fucking special in the fact that I have problems and hardships and issues. Other people work through those things and I am no different. I can do it. I can change. I am changing. The metamorphosis might be painful, appendages chafing at the constraints of my cocoon, but the relief of transformation will be enough.