Sprout Journal 11/16/24-11/17/24
Hey Tumblr! It's been another couple of days since I wrote an actual journal entry, so this'll be another one of those two for one sorta deals. I meant to write another entry yesterday, but truthfully that vent post encapsulated almost everything I was thinking for the past several days and I opted to live in the catharsis of not having much else on my mind for the day. I got a lot of my stress out about my situation in that post, but it was also exhausting! I'm gonna talk a little bit more about this at the end, though. Save those who might not want to hear about my (lack of) love life the trouble.
I'll get into two days ago first! So honestly I can barely remember my work day. I spent a lot of it tweaking out. I was not feeling very good mentally, and it showed. Frankly I don't wanna dwell on it too much, it was work and it was a bad day at work, that's really it. The evening got soooo much better anyways!! I had my first DnD session in a few weeks, and god I needed it so badly. I don't feel like typing out everything that happened in the session right now considering I already need to write a recap for my players and that just feels like homework twice, BUT I WILL SAY that it was almost exclusively improv on my part and I was extremely proud of how I performed. There is one player of mine who seems to be way more interested in the combat aspect of the game than in the actual roleplay portions, so I struggled a bit to make it interesting for him, but besides that it was a very roleplay and character heavy session that everyone did very well in.
Yesterday, the 17th, was a pretty good day overall actually. I started off morning by writing out a very long vent post that... was basically self therapy. Work was busy, my coworkers were all present and we shared a lot of laughs - I don't like a couple of them, but the ones that I get along really well with were also there so... it ended up being a pretty good day. After I got home from work I ended up doing some homework, hitting up the gym and then calling my friend Sammy for a couple of hours to play some video games. Honestly? Without him right now? I don't think I'd be okay. I
I know that this was kinda a lack luster journal, but I'm not that interested in writing at the moment! I have a bit of a headache. I'm gonna do the usual thing here and include another section below this picture where I talk about my feelings about The Bnuuy. That's what these journals were originally about and what purpose they serve, after all, is to say things that I'm feeling about the breakup
I was proud of myself yesterday. After I wrote my vent post I kinda just... breathed for a bit. I re-read my thoughts maybe five or six times and dwelt on every line, thought about what I feel and... how best to continue to heal from this. I actually read a large amount of it to my friend last night when I called him. Sometimes? I struggle sharing my emotions with other people. Aaron was the only person I ever really felt okay speaking my whole truth to, so... it was foreign getting into the details of how I feel with somebody else.
I told my friend a few things in particular. The first being how close I came to asking Aaron out a few days ago... he was at first appalled, he asked "did you actually say anything to them???" with this incredulous tone that made me laugh. After I reassured him that no, all I did was write this fuck-ass journal about it, say "Hey Aaron? Do you know you're pretty?" like a tool and then cry at work, he was oddly proud of me. I struggle a lot with self control, especially when it comes to emotional expression. It takes a lot of reigning in to keep myself from saying what I want to, from expressing my true intentions, from making situations worse through my blunt honesty. He knows I wanted to reach my hand out to The Bnuuy so badly, but that I held myself back; that's why he was proud. Sammy is a huge advocate for culling hope. He's a realist, an engineering major who genuinely enjoys the mathematics of the world and believes that there is a calculus behind human actions. One Park + One Aaron ≠ Able To Date Right Now. Or at least... that's what I thought he'd say. I read off that post and... I think it unlocked a new understanding of me as a person to Sammy, which is hard to think about haha. He's known me for a decade but he's still less familiar with my inner workings than my partner of three years? That's... crazy. Anyways I'm going on a tangent.
Sammy told me that... while he may not understand exactly how my heart works, and he can't gauge Aaron's any better, but he did tell me that he's never seen me like this before. He told me that he's watched me grow since I met this person and that they really do seem like the right one for my heart.. but he also warned me that I'm being impatient, too. He lambasted me for a while about how I shouldn't be asking them out any time soon, but he did agree that it's probably my responsibility to be the one to try in the future. He told me that I am a fun person with hobbies, interests, humor, that I'm pretty and definitely worth dating... but I'm not going to be able to convince Aaron of that while still healing from the breakup. I asked him if I should try again someday, and he told me that, and I quote, "if you became the kind of person to give up on someone after one try and failure, you'd stop being the person I know. I don't want to lose the person that I know, so be honest with yourself about being in love and show them that you can be the best fucking friend possible first. Then, see if you can be something more, but better than you were. Don't get broken up with again because you aren't their friend first" and then he called me a slur lol. We also talked about the future. I told Sammy that no matter what, I think I want to live out west. He told me that he knows that it's always been my dream to live somewhere out there - even before Aaron I wanted to move to Washington or Oregon - so he would respect my decision if I left. He might even follow me someday. He also told me to say hi to Aaron because he knows that I talk to him every day still. He said to say some other stuff too, but it made me too sad to type it to Aaron alksjdfhksdjf Sammy said that we better get past this and get back into a serious relationship so he has an excuse to come visit with me, he wants to go traveling. I hope that can happen someday, I would love for my platonic best friend and my other (<3) best friend to meet. Anyways that's all, this is super rambly and weird because I am literally walking around campus writing this section (the rest was in a draft alsdkjfasdfdsf) SO GOODBYE TUMBLR!! I LOVE YOU!!! HAVE A GOOD DAY TUMBLR!!! BYE!!! BAI!!! BYEE!!!