Letter Nine
Dear Mrs. Future Me,
In 2012, I decided to stay with a woman who was having another mans baby. We rushed our relationship and that situation in general. We weren't ready but we did and we had a beautiful daughter who shares my hyphenated last name. She's just currently growing out of the concept of Mommy T or Stinky... From the other mother perspective it's disheartening because as a mother or a daughter of a child who was once abandoned by her mother. I will never understand her mothers logic. I just won't... I've only felt this pain twice.... Once when my grandmother passed away and another when my father. I am silently grieving for the lost of my daughter. Maybe 15 years from now when her 18 birthday is approaching and she wonders about her hyphen last name or Mommy T (or her Stinky) she'll look me up. I will be married to you... Not sure if we'll have kid because the above is a type of unconditional love that can't be explained. You... Are NOT that woman and it's clear to see that this will never happen again. There is always that thought and that fear of losing another child. This a type of death... This hurts deeply and the scars will last forever. You are not HER and I will constantly have to remind myself of this when we speak about the future little ones. Know that even though you are not SHE...My heart will forever be broken by this... I will cry tears you can't control for no reason at all but merely from a child's cry or angelic smile in the store. I hope you understand that I may never talk about Journi Lynn but have her saved as my screen saver, car, wallet, and desk because this will forever hurt my soul. Losing a daughter who is still alive because of... Smh you already know why. So, if I'm hesitant on children or anything of that nature. Know that I want kids... I do but the thought of losing another crosses my mind and I can't die inside again. Your,
Future
