Paul and John both lost their mothers, but I kept thinking about how, because they had opposite relationships with them, they experienced grief differently.
Paul was certain of his mother's love for him, and her role in his life was very well-defined and stable¹. I think her figure was so consolidated that it is this absence that weighs heavily on his grief, it is the loss of a certainty in his life.
John and Julia, on the other hand, always had a very troubled relationship, not that she was a bad person, I think this phrase² sums it up well, and they were getting closer again. And I think her death leaves a door open. Both regarding her love for her son, and what she means to John. If in Paul's case he loses a certainty, in John's case he loses the chance to have certainty about Julia. A combination of whys and what ifs that remain unresolved.
And this comparison made me think about how the John-Julia grief, in this sense, ends up resembling the Paul-John grief.
When John dies, although he and Paul were seemingly reconnecting and planning things for the future, one of the things people around them did for Paul was to try to reassure him that John loved him. In these similarities between their griefs, there is not only the uncertainty of love, but the uncertainty of what their relationship meant. Friends, brothers, or something more, was always a thing of discussion. And before any assurance or stability is possible, John dies and leaves Paul with this open door that never closes.
