So Jonathan didnt mean to disappear and he didnt mean to not call me. He’s just so incredibly out of it that he couldn’t. He called cops to get himself arrested and instead they offered to take him to a mental health facility. Weirdly they must not have written up a report bc the cops the next day had no record of that.
When I saw him on Saturday night, he was very manic and afraid. When I saw him last night, he was very intense and slowed down—just like... it wasn’t even like I was talking to the same person. Idk. It left me feeling so fucking hollow. All the anger and emotions I piled on him that I thought were so cut and dry didnt end up that way. There was no place to put all of the emotions that I’d worked myself into feeling. I was ready for him to turn me away and I was ready for him to not come out at all, but what I didn’t prepare for was jonathan scared and confused and slurring words and barely making sense.
It took the fight right out of me. I’d picked up my sword to be the hero of an epic only to find out i had been slated for a tragicomedy instead.
Im just kind of... crying a lot and feeling very overwhelmed and honestly very alone. I’m so used to having a partner at the end of the day that I don’t know what to do without one. I always want to be alone—i didnt expect to feel this way. My guts just feel achey and empty.
I just gotta soldier on bc I’m doing the best I can—im just so tired, fuck. Every new twist this takes requires me to be the strong one, the stable one, the one that makes our money and gets shit done. It’s scary to see how fast shit falls apart when Im just... not able to do EVERYTHING.