#jthepxet

[sunnythepxet]

welp

i'm just logging in after over a year, hello!

[sunnythepxet]

i wish i was a poet.

i wish i was a poet.

i wish i could

make my words come alive

like the spoken word is supposed to

i wish i could

tell my story without

being the only one

feeling the pain behind it

i wish

i was a poet.

see

i can't make you believe

the words i'm sayin

i'm not a preacher and

this surely ain't church but

to me

poetry

is gospel and

gospel must be sung

perfectly to

get the right feelings to

get the right message across that

somebody loves you.

'cept i don't write love poems

'cause

i don't write poetry

'cause

i am not a poet

just someone in pain

telling you about it

rhythmically

i physically cannot

bring myself

to write poetry

there ain't

nothing else to write

it's like

when my tear ducts dry up

so does the ink in my pen

my words are only

my watered-down trauma

because no one will ever know

what's really happening in here

and what's constantly running

up here

and i would never even

wish that upon

my worst enemy

anyway

i would never wish that you could

see all this pain and agony

see the hell i live through

crippling me and

dare to call it

poetry

i am not a poet.

but i sure as hell wish i was.

[sunnythepxet]

Hey!

I haven't been on this page for a hot second 😬 sorry about that! but i'll try my best to keep this updated! also i changed my user to sunnythepxet because i think that's gonna he my name now 😁 stay tuned for big things!

[sunnythepxet]

16. (part 2)

16.

I told myself I’d never make it this far. I told myself, “if I ever get out of this alive, I surely won’t make it past this year”. I told myself, that even if I did… I wouldn’t be happy. 16, a milestone that, for many, represents freedom and independence. it represents their soon-to-be adulthood but for me, only represents another year I’ve survived a crazy hell I’ve been living since I was 13. I’ve had to be independent long before I was ready and freedom is nothing but a faint dream. because when you’re free, a lot more people have control over your life… how ironic… 16. old enough to drive but not old enough to understand politics, or drink yet you’re old enough to plan out the rest of your life… how ironic… 16. I never thought I’d make it this far and in fact, I vowed that if I did, and I was still in the unbearable pain little 15 year old me was in, that i’d end it. but I am here. I am better. and I have a long way to go. so here’s to 16, here’s to finally making it. here’s to many more… ~💀🌸

[sunnythepxet]

AAAA!

this blog is a year old today! happy birthday blog! more to come (hopefully) soon :)

[sunnythepxet]

I can't tell you how many times the trace of you has lingered throughout the night. How the trail of your footsteps is now all over my mind and it's hard to clean up when it won't go away. Everywhere i turn I'm faced with something that involves you whether if it's looks, clothes, names, commercials...you. And it's hard going around thinking I'd be better off leaving you where we stand because every time that thought even remotely enters my mind my whole body starts to ache. I can feel myself quickly regretting even considering it. But I can also feel myself quickly regretting most things I do on a daily basis... So this isn't new. And it hurts, seeing you go about life as you do. Not because i don't want to see you happy but it's killing me inside and out that I'm not contributing to that happiness at all and honestly it's consuming me each and every day. So when I message you it's not because I have nothing better to do. It's not because I have no one else to talk to. It's because a genuinely care about you. I genuinely enjoy talking to you and I enjoyed being around you and that I miss you, I'm just scared that comes off the wrong way.

[sunnythepxet]

invisible illness.

But.. That can't be. You were so healthy that one time- or were you.. But you were enjoying yourself that other time... Right? No no... You're okay... What? You're not? Then why did you act like it. A better question, why do people have to act okay just because their illness isn't visible? Just to make you comfortable? All those times and occasions. They were suffering. Just because someone's illness isn't visible, that doesn't mean they aren't suffering. From all the times they were alone wishing they were better to crying because frankly they didn't see a better. From those seemingly rare ups some days to those seemingly common downs most days. From that "yeah I'm fine" impulsively muttered at that party to "just tired" as a default response. From the first hand experiences with every single battle they face. They're not okay. They're not tired- but hey. Since they're illness isn't visible, since they don't "look sick".. They're fine. Just because someone's illness isn't visible, that doesn't mean they aren't suffering.

[sunnythepxet]

Leaving

But.. I don’t think you understand. You can’t just walk in my life showing a promising future- showing so much support  Then not be there when I need you. You can’t just leave. I’m supposed to leave first. And it’s crazy. I know I’m 100% in the wrong and it’s not your fault. I know you have it worse. I know. But some days I wish we were together..struggling- im tired of people walking in and out my life. As if after they’ve seen the real me- they don’t want to see the old me anymore. Hell. I know, okay? I know I’m not the easiest child to maintain or the coolest friend to be around, I know. And I’ve been trying to fix myself since I was 6 but everytime I try to fix something it seems to get worse and worse. Frankly im just a broken toy that a child is holding onto for memory’s sake. I serve no real purpose. I sit collecting dust day by day. I’m unfixable- not that anybody has tried… I’m done for- …I don’t think you understand. You can’t just walk in my life, make a lasting impact.. And leave. I’m supposed to leave first.