So here we go! Thanks to RRR i was inspired to write my first fanfiction ever. You are welcome to criticise and comment. I am still developing my writing skills and english is not my mothertongue.
A huge thank you to @ruby-gold for Beta-reading and pushing me into a fandom I love
TW: self harm, angst, blood and a little bit of gay love
1550 words
Scars
Months have passed since Ram and Bheem defeated the British at Delhi. They are together now in Ram's home village, training new recruits for their fight against the English.
It's late in the evening. A candle on the table and a small lantern hanging from the ceiling of Ram's hut illuminate the room. The two men sit on the floor together, hunched over the table, planning the next attacks to further repel the British out of their country.
The fan next to Bheem hums quietly; apart from that there is only concentrated silence.
Suddenly, Bheem hears it, a splash.
"It's raining", he realizes quietly.
His eyes widen with joy because it is the first rain after months of heat. He starts laughing and jumps up.
Ram, who was very focused on his papers, is startled by the sudden movement and topples over backwards. "What's going on?" he asks in horror, instantly ready to fight.
"Anna! It's raining! Finally! It's raining!" Bheem shouts in excitement and with that, he runs outside into the rain.
Still sitting on the floor, exactly the way he fell back, Ram starts to hear the typical splashing sound of rainfall, too.
“Bheem is right, it is really raining.” Just at that moment he senses a slightly cold breeze on his neck, coming in through the window, crawling down his spine and making him shiver. Because of the running fan he couldn't feel it right away.
Ram stands up, opens the windows a bit more and lets the incoming fresh air cool down the warm room. The scent of rain hitting dry ground fills his nose. There is something magical about the first rain after months of drought. Everything is brought back to life, an everlasting thirst seems to be quenched. For a moment he stands there in silence, absorbing the air that's filled with heavy fragrance, falling into a state of inner peace
Bheem's laugh reaches his ears and pulls him out of his trance.
Ram takes the hanging lantern from the ceiling, follows the sweet sound of laughter and stops at the front door. It is pitch black outside. He can’t even see the house on the other side of the street. The only noticeable light is a little shine coming from a watchtower that's far away in the distance.
"It must be late", Ram thinks to himself, considering the darkness outside.
The two of them always forget about the time when they are deeply focused on planning their next moves against the British.
"We should go to sleep, we have training early in the morning" he reprimands himself with a frown. His eyes wander through the night. Always alert of possible danger.
"Anna!" Hearing his nickname, Ram turns his head and sees Bheem, standing barefoot in the rain, dressed in his white kurta, his arms spread widely as if he wants to catch every single drop of rain.
“He looks like an angel”, it comes to Ram’s mind.
With the lantern in Ram’s hand as the only lightsource it almost seems as if Bheem is shining himself, from the inside.
"Anna! What's with that serious face? Drop that!”, he hears Bheem shouting excitedly. “Come here and enjoy the beauty of nature with me!" Bheem gestures to Ram to join him but as he does not move immediately, Bheem starts dancing from puddle to puddle, hoping his Love would join in and dance with him like they used to back in Delhi. Thinking back to these joyful events, Bheems heart fills with pure happiness and he bursts out in laughter.
His innocent, childish laugh makes Ram smile.
“How childish and carefree he can be, I love this silly lighthearted man”, Ram says to himself in mind and considers joining his Love outside. He is in need of a carefree moment.
Ram is just about to move towards the dancing man when his eyes catch something on Bheem.
Something that leaves him in pure shock.
Because of the rain, Bheem’s kurta became transparent. Sticking wetly to his skin, it exposes his back, showing all the scars that mark Bheems skin. Not only the ones from his fights with tigers but also the ones of the whip that Ram wielded.
Suddenly he hears the sharp sound of the whip in his head and feels the swing in his arms.The image of the nail whip flashes before Ram’s eyes.
Anger rises in him. His body feels like it's starting to burn, heat rising from his toes slowly to his head. Ram cannot bare to look at the wounds he has inflicted on Bheem. He averts his gaze, closing his eyes.
"It is my fault! I hurt him! I am a monster!" The thoughts hit Ram with the same intensity like a stroke of the nail whip itself. "I tortured him for my own interests."
Ram’s hands are forming fists. He doesn't even notice that he's cutting his palm with his own fingernails. Drops of blood fall from his hands to the ground.
The only feeling he has is guilt. Ram’s surroundings seem to slowly disappear. He wants to scream but he cannot.
"I am a monster! A heartless monster! I hurt my only love…" Ram's head begins to spin as his shame and remorse yell at him in unison. "The only thing I know is violence. Death, pain and violence. Nobody can love a monster like me. I will lose everyone, like I always do."
He hits the door frame with his fists. Over and over again. Hoping his own pain would quell his guilt. But there is no pain. All feelings are numb. Blood is already dropping of his knuckles.
Until something stops him; a firm grip holding onto his wrists.
“Bangaram”, a soft voice and a breath tickles Ram's ear. It feels like a cold wave is suddenly flowing through his body, relieving a part of the inner heat. Ram knows that it's Bheem but he still cannot look into his eyes. Bheem could have never forgiven him for what Ram did to him.
“Bangaram, it is okay. Everything is okay. I am with you.” The soft voice continues as he feels a light touch on his cheek, wiping away a tear. Only now Ram realizes that he is crying.
“No it is not. I…I hurt you. Why do you want to be with me? I AM A MONSTER! I tortured you!” Ram sobbs heavily.
The firm grip on the wrists loosens and he feels how Bheem's wet body slowly nestles against his back from behind, his hands wrapped around Ram's stomach.
“Yes you hurt me. You had to and I am thankful that it was you who held the whip against me." Bheem responds gently.” Back then I didn’t realized it but I do now. You saved me.”
Ram wants to push his love away but Bheem pulls him even tighter against his body.
“How exactly did I save you? That is not possible”, Ram asks with slight anger in his voice, still feeling guilt and even a bit irritated with Bheem for saying such stupid things. Why would he say that? To calm him? To make him feel better about what he did? Never could Bheem have forgiven him. Never.
Bheem slowly turns Ram around, so he can look him in the eyes. Ram wants to resist, but let’s it happen.
“Ram”, Bheem says softly and once again a cold wave of relief flows through Ram’s body. “Every other soldier would have hit me with the whip until I was dead. But you didn’t. You wanted me to kneel. I admit, back then I hated you for saying this. Now i know you didn’t want to torture me any further. You wanted to end my suffering. Your begging and betrayal, at least I thought it was betrayal, gave me the strength and will to survive.”
Bheem runs his fingers through Ram's hair and strokes his jawline. He takes the man's lowered head in his hand and pushes it up a bit.
“Please look at me, bangaram. I can’t handle it when you don’t look at me with your beautiful brown eyes.” Bheem whispers, voice soft as mulberry silk.
As he is told, Ram slowly opens his eyes and looks straight into the ones of his love. A gentle smile reveals itself and he can't help but fall into his lover's arms. Ram wants to cry it all out, hoping that the tears will take away the guilt. Nowhere does he feel safer than inside Bheem’s embrace.
The strong man presses him very tightly against his body and allows his best friend to burst out in emotion. Ram feels the slow and soothing heartbeat of his beloved one which calms him down gently.
After a while, the crying quietens. Bheem loosens his grip and smiles at his lover. His white Kurta stained with blood of the broken man but he doesn't care. It is just a piece of fabric. He wipes the tears from Ram’s face and with a gentle kiss full of love on his forehead Bheem says "The past is history, the pain is forgotten. What we have left is our future together. Let's go to sleep now my dear, we have a long day ahead of us. I love you"