A Little Life SPOILERS!!!
I finished this book is silence last week. I held it and shut my eyes and tried to process the ending. I’ve seen the quotes at the end, I knew what was coming, but seeing Harold outlive everyone in this story.
I knew how this book was going to end, it was inevitable because Jude wasn’t going to be saved. Still, I had hope that Willem would truly never let him go and somehow that would help him, make him want to stay. There was no way he could forget what happened or move on, but I still wanted some type of comfort for him, a second with no pain of any kind.
I think that everyone wishes they had a parent like Harold. Someone calm and loving, who never gives up or gets angry. Jude was so full of anger after Willem died, he tried to hurt the people around him, even after throwing things and yelling, Harold loved him. Harold loved him like a father should, it didn’t matter who Jude’s biological parents were, his real parents were Harold and Julia and they loved him and tried to save him until the end.
It breaks my heart that Jude felt like a liar for his entire relationship with Harold. He didn’t reveal his past, and to him it was deceit. Part of me thinks if Jude had shared that burden with others, known it wasn’t just his weight to carry, it might’ve helped. I don’t think Jude could have said or done anything to make Harold stop loving him. There’s a beauty in the paternity of this book.
As much as A Little Life is about friendship, it is just as much about found families and the idea that it isn’t always genetics that have to bind people together. Jude found the best family in Willem, Malcom, JB, Harold, Julia, Richard, Andy, the Henry Youngs, Lucien, and so many other people. Jude wasn’t a freak to them, he wasn’t broken or a liar, he was part of their family.
Jude was a friend, a son, a lawyer, a mentor, a lover, and so much more than the trauma that he thought defined him. His kindness, his selflessness, his thoughtfulness, and his love were what he was remembered by. How many people truly care about someone else’s comfort at their own expense, every single time. Yes it was selfish for Jude to die, but I can’t blame him, just like Harold couldn’t. How could anyone function when the one person they loved unconditionally, and let into their life fully, just dies? Jude didn’t have time to say goodbye. Jude never got to say goodbye to the people he loved. Not Willem, not even Brother Luke (as much as I hate him, for a while I think Jude did love him).
I have so much to say and I don’t know how to get it all out, but this is a start.