And even if it’s just for today, my heart is full
It’s crazy how people can affect your life, in both good and bad. Today, I’m happy to say, that I get to talk about the good.
May 2nd, 2019.
I went to go see BlackPink by myself in New Jersey. I was scared and nervous, but mostly sad. This was my first kpop concert without the girls. And I knew they were going, and it made the pain worse. I got there and saw everyone so happy with their friend group. And there I was, alone. I wandered the venue, pathetically, in hopes of running into them. After the show, I couldn’t contain the feeling anymore. I reached out to all of them, begging for a chance for forgiveness. After a long wait, I walked away. And just as I gave up, I got a response. I felt weak in my knees, I wanted to fall to the ground in that moment. I felt my heart bursting. It was too late for anything to happen in person, but I waited for the day we could all talk. It was the longest wait of my life. I drank every day waiting. Then it happened, and I felt all the wounds open up again. It felt like a second breakup with them, I was crying just as much as the day we stopped being friends. I cried myself to sleep that night. This time for a different reason, this time I was finally able to get closure. And no matter what happened from that point on, I knew I could finally be content with how things ended.
October 8th, 2019
I reached out to Jumanah to wish her a happy birthday. I sent her the video of Jiyong that she asked me for a long time ago, but couldn’t find it until recently. I didn’t expect anything. She started a conversation. I sent her my pictures from the YG building, I showed her my tattoos. There was so much I wanted to tell her. I didn’t expect much afterwards. Then I got the notification. “Jumanah is now following you on instagram.” I felt my heart beat. I couldn’t believe we got to this point. My heart is still beating as I type. Even though, it’s a small interaction, it means the world to me. I know things will never be the same, I’ve already come to the realization of that. But, even if I get to have a little part of that time in my life again, I’m happy.
I know I’ve been really depressing lately, honestly this time of the year is hard for me. But I wanted to share the little happiness I experienced to try to outweigh the bad.
