sui ideation / sui related intrusive thoughts
fell asleep last night thinking about how i’d go about things if i took that last step and decided to finally kill myself. i think i’d leave a note for my mother and one for my father, neither of which i’ve talked to in multiple years. i’d leave a note with them for my spouse that said “if i succeed, mail these. if not, destroy them.” i spent a lot of time laying awake imaging what i’d write. what i’d say, if i had the heart to say anything at all. i always thought a suicide note was kind of melodramatic. maybe, though, if i ever really went through with it, maybe it’d be a weight of my chest, kind of like letting go. my spouse only gets my insurance payout if my death is untimely/accidental. so if i ever did, i’d have to make it look like an accident. i couldn’t just take the easy way out. i wonder what i could do.
