#juni bear problems

[su-ki-ka-ma]

I deserve better than this.

But yet I always have the little hope it will get better. And I don't want to leave because of that.

[su-ki-ka-ma]

This just doesn't make me feel good.

I cried all the way home. Crying while driving is never good, especially when you are on the interstate. And then there are mean drivers which then just make you feel even worse. Now I'm curled up in bed sad and home alone. I need someone to hold me and show me attention and prove they care about me. Because I don't feel it from that person. And today was supposed be us celebrating our 500 days. Great. Loved it. I'm so happy. I remember when I used to come home and I wouldn't stop smiling. Not anymore. Not this time. Not last time. Maybe next time will be different. Maybe not.

[su-ki-ka-ma]

Someone told me a very big lie this weekend

And now two people are fighting. And someone else is very sad and has lost the others trust.

[su-ki-ka-ma]

Me and juni were doing really well

We've been doing really really well. Friday we had that fight because he wanted alone time and didn't want to be with anyone. Then he said he went up sat sun and mon to st petersburg to visit his sister and that's it. Only with his family. Then I was just on Facebook and guess who is tagged with all of his friends on Monday hanging out. In some weird sounding town i've never heard of. We fought all day friday because he didnt want to spend time with anyone this weekend. And we've been doing so well and its been so nice but…now someone's upset. 

[su-ki-ka-ma]

I think he has his phone off

Because none of my messages are being delivered. Which means idk if we're going to talk tonight. I'm just going to finish watching kaho naa pyar hai because of a lack of anything better to do. (Well I have homework but feelings dictate that it shouldn't get done)

[su-ki-ka-ma]

I have so much homework to do

And I've just been so sad idk I don't want to do anything. I've been minimally productive today. I read the chapters of Wuthering Heights I had to, I worked on scholarships, and I started on a photo piece I have to do. But other than that I spent the day eating, on net fix, tumblr, minecraft, and sad.

I just don't know what to do. Maybe i'll watch an indian movie. I think i'll listen to wrecking ball and then watch an indian movie

I very much think this is how it'd be like if we broke up. I have no motivation to do anything except talk to bailey

[su-ki-ka-ma]

And then I see all the lovey dovey boys

on tumblr and korean dramas and in real life all doing these nice things for their girlfriends and mine is telling me that I need to go home already because it's 4:30 and he needs more alone time after having weeks of alone time. While i'm lonely af

[su-ki-ka-ma]

I'm worried,

I wish it was the same way it was in the beginning. I wish he was the one to call me and to make conversation with me. I wish he the was one who would ask me to stay up talking all night with him. To talk about how he missed me so much. To say that he wished I was by his side. I wish he was the one to want to spend time with me and ask me to come over. I wish he was the one that wanted to hold me and hold hands.

I feel like the pet now.  We never hang out or spend time together. When I was driving him home yesterday, he was asleep the whole way. He didn't want to hold hands, hug, or kiss. The only nice part about yesterday was when we were making sushi. And eating sushi. He was nice. And then we snuggled for a little bit while he watched musicals on my computer. Then he wanted to watch that 70s show so we did and i was really bored so I was playing with him. After we watched david tuteras fair wedding and I loved that. But then after that things got bad. He didn't want to talk or do anything. Or snuggle. And he was really cranky and kept snapping at me. And I kept saying we should do something but he was all upset "theres nothing to do. What do you want to do?" and kept sighing loudly and so i said i have a barnes and noble gift card and we should go so i can buy him something nice. He got upset with me saying that but agreed to go. But then he was upset most of the way driving and didn't really say anything. Then I was trying to make fun in barnes and noble and he just stayed in the corner looking all upset and sighing. 

But then he found a little mini bonsai tree set and he fell in love with it and I said I'd buy it for him. Oh you should've heard him then. "I'm so sorry, I don't deserve this. I haven't been treating you well. You don't have to. I haven't been nice to you." And he was like that and it was a bit nice and I thought he'd be happier but then 10 minutes later he got upset again and I said we should go sit down and look at a magazine together and he was upset and and said no and so I just bought the tree for him and we left. And then we had it out in the parking lot and he said he just needs his own time and i said we haven't hung out in weeks and we don't even Skype anymore. All of the time is his own time. All he does is turn Skype on and then go to sleep. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't even respond to my texts or pick up my phone calls (and the other day I was having a really bad day and i called him and he didn't even talk to me until the next day.. Thanks for being there). I have to beg him for attention. And I said I shouldn't have to beg him to talk to me or spend time with me. And then we got into the me not having any friends or close family and I'm all alone and I've been feeling lonely lately and it seems like he doesn't care or just ignores it and he said he simply doesn't know what to say to make me feel better so he says nothing at all. How can I tell the difference between him ignoring me or him not knowing what to say when he doesn't even do anything? And then he said he feels bad and so he'll start spending more time with me and that made me even more upset. I don't want you to spend time with me because you pity me and feel like you have to. I want you to spend time with me because you want to. 

And we started driving home and I felt so bad and we weren't really talking and I forgot what happened but i burst out crying and I just feel really alone. I told him that I feel like he doesn't care about me the same way he did before and that I feel like he's taking me for granted and he said he's not but I have a hard time believing it until he actually shows it. Because right now, I feel really alone and I feel like he doesn't care one bit. 

I don't know what happened. I feel like I'm kinda the same from before. I don't work as hard on school and I'm trying to be more social but other than that I feel like I'm the same. But before he was so warm and loving and happy and he always put me first and made sure I was okay and happy and now.. He's just upset all the time. Even when we're together he's just upset and he snaps at me and he knows if there's one thing he should never do it's snap at me because before i would burst out crying any time he did because I'm so sensitive but now he does it so often it's just kinda "ouch, okay." I just wish he would show me the same love he did before.