A long vent post
Hi guys, it’s me, AO, and this year has been quite the shit show for me.I don’t feel well enough to properly tag any triggers, so there’s a general trigger warning, so if there’s a subject you aren’t comfortable with, you’ll know not to bother looking. The reason I’m posting this to my main and not my vent blog is because I’m tired of not feeling like I can tell people how I feel, so instead of going to a vent channel, or rambling to myself or to one person, I’m going to post it for everyone to see.
Before you click that read more link, I want you to know that I’m generally an emotional person, even if I don’t come off as so, so all of this has deeply impacted me, some parts may just come off to you as whining over spilt milk, but I tend to take things to heart, I can’t help it.
Okay I’m gonna try and keep things sorted so it’s easier to read, so forgive me if it reads weird.
This year has just been hell and back for me, with general stress and family drama. My parents are looking into a divorce, and honestly, I hope they do because god bless my dad for putting up with such a horrible person. Ever since my dad allowed for his cousin to stay with us for a weekend, it’s been nothing but bitching and false accusations from my mom, ranging from my dad being a manwhore who sleeps with every woman he looks at, to being an incest pedophile. It’s taken a vast emotional and physical toll on him. I’m scared for him because he basically told me that me and my brother were the only reason he was staying alive. I don’t want to wake up one day and my dad having killed himself. That woman has worn him down to the point that he doesn’t even want a funeral, just to be buried. My mom is generally not a good person. I don’t feel safe showing when she’s in the house because she’ll just barge in on me and bitch when I ask her to leave so that I can atleast get dressed. I know she was raised to think that’s okay, but she has almost no respect for my modesty. Not to mention that she’s verbally and physically abusive, yelling every morning and hurling things. She’s also ruined all of my brother’s friendships by accusing our dad of sleeping with the friends’ mothers, we think she may have called a few of them too. She constantly compares my to my dad, even when saying so in a loving manner, that doesn’t matter when she only shit talks the man. She’s brainwashed my brother into thinking that my dad is a horrible person and as a result has no discipline whatsoever as mom is never home, and when she is, if she isn’t dictating what the family is doing, she’s having a screaming match with my brother.
Now to change the subject from family life.
In general, I see a lot of people venting, and their situations are worse than mine, so I never feel like I have a right to vent without it being a burden.
So there’s been some bumps and bruises with my time on Discord. Most of the stress there was lingering after a good friend of mine lent their discord to one of their buddies, and said buddy proceeded to block me and all the friend’s mutuals. I have to draw attention to the fact that this was done so without so much as a warning, and I knew this friend was struggling with depression, so my first thought was that they had committed suicide or were getting ready to do so. Luckily I found out that they weren't and were doing fine. I’m still getting over the stress from that time, and some things that came up add to that stress. I’m an emotional person, I see someone hurting and I want to help, but I don’t know how to help them and end up sidelined, which adds on a considerable amount of stress as I honestly don’t how to be happy on my own. Among the recent issues, I was in a Discord server, and I was friends with one of the admins, or at least I thought I was. Long story short, she couldn’t be bothered to talk to me in private about things I did that made her uncomfortable, she didn’t start voicing her objections till just recently, and by then, we’d been RPing for a little over a year and a half, so I expected her to feel fine with privately telling me when I made her uncomfortable, but she didn’t. Instead, when I’d join in on the public chat and I said something she didn’t like or approve of, she’d antagonize me (she might not have known she was doing it, and I was going to talk to her about this, but I could never bring myself to fully confront her thanks to the first time I voice MY objections to her) what made her comments worse was that as soon as she posted them, people would immediately flock behind her in support. I felt singled out because she wasn’t doing this to anyone else except me, I felt like people saw me as an absolute freak because of that. Because of her, I wasn’t comfortable talking in a public chat room when she was present. It hurt when she did that, it felt like she was antagonizing me when I meant no ill will. She even publicly objected to what I wrote, where at least 20 people could see it at any time. I was getting ready to talk to her, in private, but a friend of mine drew some nice artwork for me, and I was so happy I showed it off in the public chatroom, but almost immediately she made an incredibly hateful comment, she talked about how she ‘disliked --- ocs” (it sounds petty I know, but they way she worded it felt rude and disrespectful, hell she doesn’t even know the person who drew the art.) and then went on to complain about how and what I write, which I would’ve been fine with had she not made the comment against my friend’s artwork. After that, I had to leave the server, she’d become such an unpleasant person to talk to and by then I’d given up on mustering up the patience and courage to talk to her. She even managed to ruin several characters I enjoyed, more so one in particular , although this is an incredibly lesser offence then the rest of what I said. I thought she was my friend, but now I feel betrayed.
Right now, I’m just wondering why I’m even still alive, I feel like I’m nothing but a bother to people, even when I’m trying not to be one. I have these voices I hear that keep telling me to do horrible things to myself and no matter what I do to drown them out, they always come back and louder than before. I’m so stressed, I don’t what to do.
I’m so sorry if this is long, but I honestly don’t think I’d last much longer holding all of this in. It’ll take a long time before all of this stress and heartache dies down, so please bare with me and thank you to those who’ve put up with me thus far and those who’ll come by and see this and still follow and interact with me.
