I am autistic. For me, this means I have heightened sensitivity to stimulus, problems regulating my emotions, problems completing tasks in a timely or "usual" manner, and trouble presenting myself to people in a way that might feel natural to them.
Because of this, the wage labor that is available to me is technically possible, but really lessens my quality of life. It's difficult for me to do the same thing every day because I don't always have enough energy for the work I'm required to do. Some days, I can do the wage labor, take care of myself, AND find time for things I enjoy. Most days, I have to pick and choose. If I work every weekday, that means that 5/7 days I have to make really difficult choices about how to spend my time.
When I have a job, sometimes I have to choose between showering or sleeping and going to work, or between making dinner or avoiding a meltdown that might derail my day.
Meltdowns happen for a lot of reasons. I might have a meltdown from an unpleasant sensory experience (my environment being too loud; feeling too itchy or hot; being hungry, tired, or sick; feeling confused about my surroundings or a social situation)
For me, a meltdown feels like a panic attack, if the panic were replaced with dread, sadness, fear, and shame, with an uncontrollable need for intense, sometimes physically harmful pressure on my body. During a meltdown, I might cry, scream, pull on my hair, hit or scratch myself, lose the ability to speak, or try desperately to find a small, dark space like a closet or under furniture to hide.
Meltdowns can make me feel physically sick, ashamed, and they are exhausting even once they are over. A meltdown might mean that I have lost some energy that I critically need, especially if Im participating in wage labor.
But it isn't only the energy management that's difficult for me. The jobs themselves are often confusing, demeaning, and exhausting. I have a hard time following directions that might seem clear to other people, so sometimes I need to ask for more direction than my managers are comfortable providing. Customer service positions drain me completely and leave me dangerously tired, confused, and disoriented at the end of my shift. Food service positions present me with stressful time constraints, unpredictable situations, and unpleasant sights, sounds, and smells that can trigger meltdowns. Socializing with coworkers is often confusing, distracting, and disorienting. Transitions to and from work cause me extreme distress.
The longer I work in environments I find untenable, the more energy I have to give toward surviving those environments. This results in a downward spiral that eventually ends in me leaving the job.
Luckily I have a partner who works, but the money we make isn't enough for us to have the quality of life that everyone on the planet deserves to have.
I am useful at home, where the environment is predictable and safe, and I can complete tasks in my time and my own way, but no one pays you for doing your dishes or laundry, cleaning the house or making dinner. These are things you're expected to do on top of everything you do to make money, which is untenable for me because of my autism, but I also recognize is just plain untenable.
Domestic work is work, necessary work, hard work, and for a lot of us, the only accessable work that we have. My partner performs better at her job when she doesn't have to worry about laundry, dishes, dinner, maintaining the house, checking the mail, taking out garbage, or the million other things that have to be kept up with at home.
But she doesn't make enough money alone for it to be acceptable for me to not participate in wage labor. And worse, if we complain about our position in life, we're met with comments suggesting that we deserve this lesser quality of life because we didn't go to college, because I don't have a job, because we are on foodstamps and public healthcare, because we aren't trying hard enough.
But we don't have a choice. There's only so hard I can try before I actually, literally, and actionably end my life. There are only so many hours that my partner can work while coping with her own disabilities and personal problems. There is only so much we can do. And predominant social structures would suggest that if we really aren't capable of doing more, than we deserve to fill all of our idle time with suffering. It's just such bullshit.
