SING A SONG OF CHURCH GIRL TURNED SLAYER . knees bruised from prayer / palms etched with the shape of a stake : holy girl && divine action . lazarus / daughter of jairus [ ... ] still breathes through grave dirt in her lungs . ❛ ----- i've dealt with worse things than your brothers . ❜ still wears the sand of the underworld in all her cracks && crevices [ ... ] still wakes up sweat stained with a scream lodged in her throat , convinced she feels the touch of evil on her skin once more . ( sometimes , nonexistent bullet holes ache anew as if in taunt . ) ❛ what can they do that i haven't already had done to me ? ❜
❛ I DON’T LIKE TAKING OFF MY GLOVES . ❜ mere thought brings fear / icy cold against spine . it has lessened over time but it is still there as if in warning . ( kate fuller cannot stop counting the days : seven years until all the cells in her body have been made anew . perhaps then she’ll stop feeling anothers presence in her skin . ) fingers trace edge of warm leather [ ... ] tap against blue veins at wrist trailing out . ❛ it’s . uh . trauma , maybe ? i dunno . trauma usually means therapy && ----- no . ❜
k.ate f.uller is that soft, pretty preachers daughter who looks like she'll absolve all your sins just by proximity but who also has a literal body count && will not hesitate to weaponize her femininity or whack you into oblivion if you do something stupid
post amaru , kate takes to wearing gloves . it’s not a fashion statement or a way to avoid leaving fingerprints at crime scenes rather , it’s a way of coping . for six months , she had someone else in her body . someone who could && did kill with a single touch . it ended up messing with her perception of her hands && making her afraid of both them && skin to skin contact .
at fist , she doesn’t realize that’s what the problem is . that it’s why she refuses to touch skin , instead preferring touches over clothing if at all . at first kate chalks it up to lingering trauma && distrust given the circumstances of her death , how she parted ways with seth , but even the concept of touching freddie who has done no wrong to her can cause her breath to shorten , things in her chest && gut to tighten . she knows fear , has been made intimate with it over the past eight months but this is something different . as if having amaru in her body has twisted things around && that’s why it does not immediately go recognized as what it is .
things get dropped . broken . cups , plates , tools . anything that would bring her hand too close to someone elses for comfort . sometimes kate doesn’t even try , especially after realizing that this is fear . that what she’s feeling is terror born of watching people literally die under her hands && no amount of screaming could stop it . it reaches a peak one day a few weeks after the battle . accidentally she touches someone . real skin to skin contact && she freaks . all she can see is their skin going grey && brittle as fingertips drain the life from their very bones . draining their soul . it’s like amaru is back . frantic , she rips away , holes up in her room && cries . refuses to see anyone .
her hands are no longer her own . for six months someone else used them as a weapon && all she could do was watch . amaru is gone but her influence remains && kate doesn’t know how to deal with it so she remains in her room to avoid any more contact && try to figure out how to deal with it . her hands are connected to her , she cannot just remove them && at that point , the idea of controlled touches to rewire her brain into recognizing that the threat is really && truly gone seems much too impossible even though she knows scott && the geckos likely wouldn’t mind acting as guinea pigs if means ensuring her peace of mind .
in the end , solution is offered to her by another . she wakes up to find a pair of gloves resting on the pillow beside her && kate wonders how the idea never entered her head . she pulls them on , considers the safety they offer && steps outside no longer as afraid . there is still lingering fear but with the gloves kate forces herself to work past it . little touches here && there soon turn into acting as if nothing is wrong .
she continues wearing them for a while , amasses a small collection so that she is not limited to just one pair . eventually kate begins to get comfortable in her skin again . comfortable with her hands . the gloves start being used less && less until , eventually , they are only used during jobs .
the first thing kate does post amaru , post battle , once she feels safe for the first time in months , is sleep . for hours . nearly twenty - four straight . it’s a sleep filled with exhaustion && trauma . the first real sleep since amaru took over . being unconscious in the church does not count . it was not restful . it came only because of blood loss && all of a sudden being alone in her body once more . during the battle , she moves only due to adrenaline && determination .
the second thing kate does is shower . washes her hair fifteen times , scrubs her skin until it’s red && raw && burning . water goes from steaming to freezing but still she remains going over the motions again && again && again in attempts to wash amaru && her sins away && when that does not work , when her hair is still red && her belly still perfect && whole , kate cries . && cries && cries . the door eventually has to be broken down && hands that are not her own pull her from the spray of water . she is soothed without knowing who is offering comfort before being left alone once more to dress in privacy . ( she doesn’t need it , she thinks . amaru thought herself above everyone && also above bathing && dressing herself && there are corpses who have seen every inch of kate fuller . )
the third thing she does is eat . amaru ate the bare minimum , enough so that borrowed body did not waste away but existed primarily on souls . however , souls are not very filling to a body that needs real food in order to survive . && so she eats . eats until she gets sick , body unaccustomed to both food && the large quantities she all but shoves down . her first meal ends up in the toilet . so does her second . her third would have as well if she wasn’t made to pace herself better . to go slow . to let herself acclimate . she walks away still hungry but no longer throwing up .
once , kate learned that it takes seven years for all the cells in your body to die && be replaced . that’s seven years before you have a whole new body . seven years before there is no longer any physical part of her that knew amaru . she begins to keep track . will be almost twenty - six when time is up .
she has nightmares . terrible , awful nightmares that have her thrashing && screaming && waking up in tears . she sees all the people amaru killed that she could not save && she sees all the people she could turn to dust . scott && seth && richie . freddie && his wife && their baby girl . all dead && gone , sucked dry && left discarded all around her . each && every time she is unable to save them . each && every time it is kate herself who does it .
she becomes afraid of touch && prone to apologizing as if , if she says it enough , her connection to amaru && her crimes would be forgiven . she also develops a habit of scratching at the marks at her wrists , pinching herself hard enough to bruise to ensure that she is not capable of quick healing . that she is fragile && human && mortal once more .
it is a terrible feeling , to not be alone in your body . to have no control unless you wrestle it from the invader with all your might . to still feel like they might be there , lingering in the background , dormant . waiting for a chance to take control once more . kate starts keeping a journal to write out her thoughts && fears . surely , a therapist would be better but given the life she has entered , it’s simply out of the question . besides , even if it wasn’t , how can she properly explain what’s wrong ? she’d once again be locked up in a psychiatric institution . so , instead , she learns to work through it in writing && with the aide of her friends once she is comfortable enough to accept it .
kate also takes up learning self defense && gun use like she had started back in mexico all those months ago . while she knows there are people around her that would do anything to protect her , knows that freddie arriving guns - a - blazing is only one phone call away , it’s not the same . she needs reassurance that she can protect herself should the need arise . never again will she be someones victim , someones sacrifice && that’s key in her recovery .
the first thing kate does post amaru , post battle , once she feels safe for the first time in months , is sleep . for hours . nearly twenty - four straight . it’s a sleep filled with exhaustion && trauma . the first real sleep since amaru took over . being unconscious in the church does not count . it was not restful . it came only because of blood loss && all of a sudden being alone in her body once more . during the battle , she moves only due to adrenaline && determination .
the second thing kate does is shower . washes her hair fifteen times , scrubs her skin until it’s red && raw && burning . water goes from steaming to freezing but still she remains going over the motions again && again && again in attempts to wash amaru && her sins away && when that does not work , when her hair is still red && her belly still perfect && whole , kate cries . && cries && cries . the door eventually has to be broken down && hands that are not her own pull her from the spray of water . she is soothed without knowing who is offering comfort before being left alone once more to dress in privacy . ( she doesn’t need it , she thinks . amaru thought herself above everyone && also above bathing && dressing herself && there are corpses who have seen every inch of kate fuller . )
the third thing she does is eat . amaru ate the bare minimum , enough so that borrowed body did not waste away but existed primarily on souls . however , souls are not very filling to a body that needs real food in order to survive . && so she eats . eats until she gets sick , body unaccustomed to both food && the large quantities she all but shoves down . her first meal ends up in the toilet . so does her second . her third would have as well if she wasn’t made to pace herself better . to go slow . to let herself acclimate . she walks away still hungry but no longer throwing up .
once , kate learned that it takes seven years for all the cells in your body to die && be replaced . that’s seven years before you have a whole new body . seven years before there is no longer any physical part of her that knew amaru . she begins to keep track . will be almost twenty - six when time is up .
she has nightmares . terrible , awful nightmares that have her thrashing && screaming && waking up in tears . she sees all the people amaru killed that she could not save && she sees all the people she could turn to dust . scott && seth && richie . freddie && his wife && their baby girl . all dead && gone , sucked dry && left discarded all around her . each && every time she is unable to save them . each && every time it is kate herself who does it .
she becomes afraid of touch && prone to apologizing as if , if she says it enough , her connection to amaru && her crimes would be forgiven . she also develops a habit of scratching at the marks at her wrists , pinching herself hard enough to bruise to ensure that she is not capable of quick healing . that she is fragile && human && mortal once more .
it is a terrible feeling , to not be alone in your body . to have no control unless you wrestle it from the invader with all your might . to still feel like they might be there , lingering in the background , dormant . waiting for a chance to take control once more . kate starts keeping a journal to write out her thoughts && fears . surely , a therapist would be better but given the life she has entered , it’s simply out of the question . besides , even if it wasn’t , how can she properly explain what’s wrong ? she’d once again be locked up in a psychiatric institution . so , instead , she learns to work through it in writing && with the aide of her friends once she is comfortable enough to accept it .
kate also takes up learning self defense && gun use like she had started back in mexico all those months ago . while she knows there are people around her that would do anything to protect her , knows that freddie arriving guns - a - blazing is only one phone call away , it’s not the same . she needs reassurance that she can protect herself should the need arise . never again will she be someones victim , someones sacrifice && that’s key in her recovery .
post amaru , kate takes to wearing gloves . it’s not a fashion statement or a way to avoid leaving fingerprints at crime scenes rather , it’s a way of coping . for six months , she had someone else in her body . someone who could && did kill with a single touch . it ended up messing with her perception of her hands && making her afraid of both them && skin to skin contact .
at fist , she doesn’t realize that’s what the problem is . that it’s why she refuses to touch skin , instead preferring touches over clothing if at all . at first kate chalks it up to lingering trauma && distrust given the circumstances of her death , how she parted ways with seth , but even the concept of touching freddie who has done no wrong to her can cause her breath to shorten , things in her chest && gut to tighten . she knows fear , has been made intimate with it over the past eight months but this is something different . as if having amaru in her body has twisted things around && that’s why it does not immediately go recognized as what it is .
things get dropped . broken . cups , plates , tools . anything that would bring her hand too close to someone elses for comfort . sometimes kate doesn’t even try , especially after realizing that this is fear . that what she’s feeling is terror born of watching people literally die under her hands && no amount of screaming could stop it . it reaches a peak one day a few weeks after the battle . accidentally she touches someone . real skin to skin contact && she freaks . all she can see is their skin going grey && brittle as fingertips drain the life from their very bones . draining their soul . it’s like amaru is back . frantic , she rips away , holes up in her room && cries . refuses to see anyone .
her hands are no longer her own . for six months someone else used them as a weapon && all she could do was watch . amaru is gone but her influence remains && kate doesn’t know how to deal with it so she remains in her room to avoid any more contact && try to figure out how to deal with it . her hands are connected to her , she cannot just remove them && at that point , the idea of controlled touches to rewire her brain into recognizing that the threat is really && truly gone seems much too impossible even though she knows scott && the geckos likely wouldn’t mind acting as guinea pigs if means ensuring her peace of mind .
in the end , solution is offered to her by another . she wakes up to find a pair of gloves resting on the pillow beside her && kate wonders how the idea never entered her head . she pulls them on , considers the safety they offer && steps outside no longer as afraid . there is still lingering fear but with the gloves kate forces herself to work past it . little touches here && there soon turn into acting as if nothing is wrong .
she continues wearing them for a while , amasses a small collection so that she is not limited to just one pair . eventually kate begins to get comfortable in her skin again . comfortable with her hands . the gloves start being used less && less until , eventually , they are only used during jobs .
