#ka-queue-su

[asofterasagao]

asagao characters as john mulaney quotes

Hana: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

Mai: I don’t have to guess what’s wrong, she comes in the room and she’s like, "My stomach hurts!" and then we can move on from there.

PBG: I don't want to be doing what I'm doing either.

Jon: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud. It probably will happen again.

Jared: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Satch: Hi, I'm very gay and I'd like a few dollars.

Paul: And I know now that I'm definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everybody gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Nick: I just listen to everything she says, because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone who's always standing next to me who can point out obvious things that are happening.

Josh: They're like, "Does that work?" I'm like, "It didn't NOT work."

Jirard: My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you."

Shane: Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die. I can’t have them running around.

Ian: I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die.

Luke: You know, for years scientists have wondered: can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones's "It's Not Unusual"?

Caddy: Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place.

Jeff: By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Wallid: I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day.

Jimmy: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Mimi: Because eighth graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way.

Kakusu: You asked if I brushed my teeth, but I never specified that I did so tonight. If the court reporter reads back my remarks you will see I did not purger myself.

Creeps: I went outside as much as Powder from the movie Powder. My children are not going to be playing on grass, they will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.

Shizuka: And I would always think to myself, "How could another person kill someone?" And then I got cheated on, and I was like, "Oh, okay."

[asofterasagao]

THEN you yell 'you got served!'

[asofterasagao]

there’s a lot of things that are gonna happen later on in bisneyland hell that i’m worried about.......... i mean like how they’re gonna be received especially bc there’s one thing that’s gonna be in there that i’ve gotten some shit about already but like....... it’s already written i can’t really do anything about it

just gotta accept my fate

[asofterasagao]

vote now!!

once more!! this time, ten remain.......

[asofterasagao]

i gave continue? elemental themes, by the way. ice for paul, wind for nick, and fire for josh.

their innate powers match, too. they can each use their element in small ways (ex: paul could freeze a cup of water, nick could calm the wind within a certain radius of himself, josh could use his finger as a match). josh is the best at controlling it, while paul is the worst.

also paul has blue eyes in magical form. yes that is the entire reason i gave him ice powers & i hate myself.

[asofterasagao]

i think satch has a pretty good backstory for this au, by the way.

it got long, though, so under a read more it goes!!

as is the case with quite a few of the characters, satch's family knew what he was destined to be. but unlike those characters, who had magical blood running in the family, satch’s family had been studying magical kids for years and saw the signs from early on. they knew that when satch came of age he would awaken his powers and would have to go to school, likely away from their supervision, to train them. they also knew that this was dangerous work and satch could easily get hurt, so they created something that could protect him when they couldn't.

they made him a really kickass robot bodyguard. her name was kakusu, and her only duty was to perform literally whatever task satch told her to. she was at his command. she’s programmed to function as a magical girl as well, so she can attend the academy alongside satch.

this made satch.................. uncomfortable, to say the least. he didn't like the idea of having someone with no will of their own doing whatever he wanted. and even if kakusu was supposed to be a machine, so many things about her felt real. she was worth more than this. she had to be.

satch awakens to his powers not long after that. his theme is technology & his innate power is that he can interact with and manipulate technology instantly just by touching it (ex: changing the settings on a tv by tapping the screen, hacking into a computer by “accidentally” bumping by it). basically the idea is he can do things that would normally take a while/be complicated to do with a machine in an instant. it's very broad and would be overpowered if it weren't kind of useless in his magical form (since they'll likely be fighting in completely magical environments).

but the point is this: the day he arrives at the academy with kakusu in tow, he taps her in the middle of the forehead and rewrites her memory. from this point forward, he and kakusu know nothing of each other. they are two unrelated students attending this school. she won’t even know that she’s a robot anymore. as far as kakusu knows, she is a perfectly human magical girl attending this academy on her own.

so satch just. lets her go. he doesn't want her to bend to his wishes.

he still keeps her programming for direct voice commands in, though. just in case something happens. because he cares about her.

[asofterasagao]

also of note: jared's father was a magical boy (man??? idk that sounds weird). his mother is still just normal, horrible mom, though.

so as soon as jared awakens to his powers his mother pushes him to become this extremely skilled, powerful magical boy, because his father's side of the family is all magical & she wants to be accepted in.

and while we’re talking about it, jared’s mom actually doesn’t sparkle in this au, because sparkling is jared’s innate power. he actually thinks it’s really lame and has some secret insecurities about it, even if everyone thinks it makes him look gorgeous. he wishes he could actually do something with his innate power instead of just being useless.

[asofterasagao]

also everyone has a theme for their magical form (in terms of design/powers/weapon/etc.)

pbg’s......... is, in fact, peanut butter

..........................his weapon is a giant butter knife