Kali and Cael came to visit today. Got into an argument with Cael. I feel stupid and helpless. It was worse when I started to cry. Can’t even keep myself together, it’s so ridiculous. All it takes is a little yelling and I cry. Wonderful! Kali tried to cheer me up with trip planning. It was really nice of her, but it was kinda hard to get into it (but I’m pretty sure I played it off well enough). Overthinking, I guess.
Cael didn’t explain anything. Just said something was going on. So helpful! (end sarcasm.) Answers woulda been nice, especially since they were kinda, you know, in my head, and I don’t like things I don’t know in my head, but whatever.
I’m scared to see what happens next. It’s been quiet, but it’s not going to stay that way, is it? I’m good at staying out of trouble, though, and I hope it stays that way. My kitchen’s stocked up for self-imposed exile, so I should be good to go, I think. Well. Good to stay.
Oh well. It was nice to see them, I guess. I haven’t seen anybody for a week or more. Not like that isn’t normal. But I’m used to taking walks, at the very least, even if I don’t really talk to people.
I don’t know. I’m confused by whatever’s happening. I just wanna go back to picking flowers.
The monk’s eyes read the entry for the fiftieth time as she reflected on the situation as a whole. A long, drawn out breath escaping her lungs, she stared at those last words with pursed lips before placing it to the side. Gingerly, she shut the journal and slipped it into her desk drawer again. Elbows propped on her desk, she set her chin in her hands. Staring at the wall; pensive. As if the answers would come if she thought hard enough.
“’He cares about you,’” she quietly mocked, “’he just sucks ass at showing it!’ Sure. Sure, not like he should try to stop being a pansy about feelings and maybe try to show or tell rather than just be a stone cold jackass all the time! Gods, I just wanna kick him sometimes. What’s he been doing, lately, anyway?”
Restlessness got the best of her. She pushed her chair back with a bit too much force, startling Puff, who left his spot on her shoulder and hastily fluttered away. Ky stood and made her way to the bathroom so she could change into something more comfortable for bed. Her mind continued to race, though it remained fairly streamline: anxiety, fear, worry, panic, and every other thing one might feel when dragged into a potentially dangerous situation.
More time shut away in solitude. Not-so-solitary solitude. Her apartment was going to become a safe spot for Kali, at least, and a couple others. She couldn’t protest to having a few extra people around. It’d be rude to lock them out, wouldn’t it? It shouldn’t hurt to have them there.
But she wouldn’t get involved with this ‘resistance’ she heard about. Avoid all of it, and she’d be safe. Taking sides was dangerous. Something can’t bother you if you don’t pay it attention, she thought. The fine line of neutrality: she’d straddle it, as she always did, until push came to shove.
(If she had it her way, there wouldn’t be anyone staying in her apartment, as cruel as it may be, not so long as they had an affiliation with either side. She only knew they were against Them, but not necessarily if they were part of the Resistance. It didn’t matter, did it? Affiliation by proximity was still affiliation; it was a side.)
There was one blessing to count: she hadn’t heard anything since those first whispers. Sometimes it felt like she was watched, but it was chalked up to paranoia and nothing more. It happened. Things were imagined so easily - too easily, she might think, especially when you were the type to be constantly wound up and ridden with anxiety.
Unsurprisingly, that thought brought little comfort.
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