#kamila's

[moonriverandkamila]

from my poem, Dear Sheena.

Fact: I really have a friend named Sheena! And I wrote this for her in fear that she might misread my jokes about her being single! :D 

I hope you all find a love that treats you the same way a reader sees their favorite poetry. 

[moonriverandkamila]

Dear Sheena

by: moonriverandkamila

i will pray to the heavens that you may find

the perfect language to all your paradox;

i hope for not a writer, a reader is good enough

for he will understand you, and not fix you;

he shall quote your verses down his skin,

live in awe of your vulnerability;

of your words that you thought didn't mean much;

and he will make sense of the words you ramble;

the metaphors you still think do not fit.

i will pray to the heavens for a reader,

and you will be his favorite poetry;

his philosophy and inner voice;

he will thank the heavens it's you he found;

and all your wonder and words come to life;

a poetry that just feels so right —

it is a free verse,

yet it rhymes.

[moonriverandkamila]

To my Panacea

I sometimes wonder why All the thoughts of love fly Around the minds at night.

What's so different about Stars that always form Galaxies. The storm

Hits you in the right places. Nights rekindle empty spaces Of both loving and losing.

Why do they need the skies To go far and turn dark, For the nights to go deep?

Pensive — I hang by the thread. The sun is up, you're in my head. Even in broad daylight, I long for you.

[moonriverandkamila]

My But’s in Romance

August 30, 2020.

I saw him today.

Virtually. 

I can’t give any details now about who he is. This blog may be private, but if ever someone I know personally reads this, they might make a guess. I am not sure I am ready for that yet. 

I am not sure, too, if I’m sure of what this feels. 

We met two years ago. It was not planned, although I planned on joining the event where he was. I joined that event out of fascination and curiosity, and there was not much sincerity in it. But I saw him there. 

I locked eyes with him during a game, and he smiled as he walked towards my direction. I think that’s what makes me fall for a guy. The way he looks at me with his eyes. I wasn’t sure if there was an intention, but he looked at me in the eye so I counted it for something. 

We took a photo. He said I should send it to him. 

And I wanted to. I planned to. But I didn’t know I’ll never know his contact information! Like seriously, girl!! At that time, I didn’t want to ask for it. 

Then two years has passed. Even though he randomly crosses my mind, I never thought I’d see him today. I daydream about meeting my favorite celebrities, winning an award, being a Running Man member, etc. I daydreamed and imagined a lot of things, but never seeing him today.

Or this year. 

I told myself before that if I ever see him again next year (2021), then I’ll hope for something. 

What I felt from two years ago wasn’t even much. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. But perhaps, a part of me has started longing for a final conversation. It felt like I took the chance for granted. I wanted to send him a message, but where? How? 

He was supposed to be gone until 2021 so I wasn’t expecting to see him today. 

But I did. 

I wouldn’t even consider him a friend. I met him two years ago, but it was just for a day or two. Then he was gone. I never heard from him after that. 

But he recognized me, and I recognized him. We didn’t talk directly, but I just know. 

Right now, I am stopping myself from wishing that somewhere, he’s asking around for my contact number or something. I’m pretty sure he’s not that kind of guy. I’m also pretty sure he doesn’t think of me “that way.” 

I’m not sure too, about how I feel. But I felt something today. The butterflies in my stomach. The genuine surprise and delight of seeing his name pop; and seeing his face after a long time. 

And I met him before May 2021. He didn’t show any intention or interest. 

But should I hope for something?

Maybe I’ll just stay still and wait for another sign. 

Until then, I hope whoever reads this keeps it a secret. And root for me and my shot at romance. 

[moonriverandkamila]

I’m feeling 22! (Part 2)

I’m feeling 22! (Part 2)

Hello. Today is August 8th.

I am still 22!

Two weeks ago, I began my first ever job. Well, it is a part-time job. And while others may think it’s not much of a big deal, it is a big deal to me.

First of all, it involves phone calls, which I HONESTLY SUCK AT. Phone calls give me anxiety. Waiting for possible phone calls scare me. And don’t even get me started on video calls. But I faced it anyway! Dealt with it like an adult – as I should. I will continue to face it as if it’s not a big deal.

Second, we mostly communicate in English (not my first language) during these calls. That makes it harder. I swear, I just blank out during calls.

Third, it is my first job! It requires me to be responsible and to push past my comfort zone in different aspects. It gives me the joy of learning new things – things that I never even thought I would study. It introduced me to a lot of people that I never even thought I would meet in my life.

Lastly, it gives me an assurance that I can actually belong somewhere. I can actually give somewhere. It helps me help my family financially too, and that is sort of at the top of my list.

Why am I sharing these things, though?

I just felt like this is a 22-year-old-moment. The pressure of trying to do a good job. The joy of having something you should actually take responsibility for. The moments that I don’t feel like doing something, but I have to. The nights that I tell myself my shift is over, but then I open my laptop again to try to explore something related to my job. The hours of wanting to sleep but not being able to. The minutes of beating myself up for ‘messing up’ and the hours of comforting myself because of it.

I am not even sure I want to do this job for the rest of my life. This is not what I studied for in college, and definitely not what I imagined doing after I graduate. But I was brought here. And it makes me feel complete somehow. It makes me feel that I am accomplishing something. That I am giving something.

It makes me get out of my shell.

For some reason, that alone means something.

I am capable of different things. I have the chance to learn what I don’t know. I will walk past my fears and anxieties.

To get the job done.

I think this is God’s way of telling me that I am off to new beginnings in my future.

Until then, I will do my best not to make big regrets in wherever I am and trust Him.

[moonriverandkamila]

My Bad, But I'm Good Now

“I lacked knowledge that time. I mistook my loss of self-respect for humility as I quietly accepted the hurtful words thrown at me. I mistook my disregard for my own rules as love while I continue to break boundaries just as how love supposedly does it. I mistook giving away my freedom for compromise.

But it's all good now. I'm all better.”

[moonriverandkamila]

You know, let's pick a day when we just not force anything. Let's not wait for that reply. Let's not approach those who ignore us. Let's not search for things that are long gone. Maybe, we might realize that it's not so bad after all. Just a day, though. We wouldn't want to always live without a fight, would we?