Ukitake: *getting down to hell and seeing the Kenpachi's screaming and crying as Unohana beats the crap outta them like nothing happened, Yamamoto watching with popcorn, the Espadas placing bets, the Original Gotei 13 panicking as they realise they're up next, and Gin and Kaname bonding by throwing various weapons at a wall with Aizen's face on it with increasingly inventive insults each time*
Summary: With less than a year to go before she heads off to university, Hanamaru has a conflict in her head. She wants to leave her tiny hometown and explore more, but at the same time she doesn't want to leave someone she really cares about behind.
Pairing: KanaMaru
Notes: Happy birthday, @birthday-gate-to-love! Have a great one! o7 o7 o7
Links: (FFN) | (AO3)
Uchiura was so boring. Hanamaru had felt that way for years, but she'd never told anybody. Not even Ruby knew that she felt constrained within the invisible barriers that kept her within their small town. For as long as she could remember, she'd read tons of fantastical stories about faraway places, both real and fictional. She'd read about the best and worst of mankind, and all of the incredible sights there were in their great, big world. None of them were here, though. She'd never read anything exciting about Uchiura outside of a tourist pamphlet that tried a bit too hard to seem relaxing.
She sighed as she swept the floor of her parents' temple, not feeling as into the work as she usually was. There had actually been a year when their tiny town seemed more exciting than it actually was. It was her first year of high school, when she joined her best friend Ruby and seven others to form the idol group Aqours. No matter how high or how low they had gone, it had been something new that she'd gotten to experience with friends. Though she had been very reluctant to join at first, she hadn't had any regrets after she took that plunge. It had been great, but now all of that was in the past.
She was now in her final year of high school, over a year removed from her idol days. It hadn't been a surprise when Aqours decided to disband following Dia, Kanan, and Mari's graduations, but she had still been woefully unprepared for how empty life felt without their presence. She'd only truly known Kanan and Mari for a year, but the impact they had left on her had been greater than she'd ever expected.
After graduation, Dia had gone off to a prestigious university in Tokyo, but at least that was in the same country. Mari had gone all the way to Italy, putting a ridiculous amount of hours between her and the rest of them. Not that it was done for that purpose, of course. It still didn't feel right to not have a huge ray of shiny sunshine on them whenever she was there. Her compliment was gone too: no more stern lectures or homework helping from Dia. Of course, that affected Ruby more than anyone, but Hanamaru had to admit that she still missed Dia a lot too.
That was only the opening set to the tear down of her new life, however. Another year passed, and the former second years had their turn at graduation. All three of them ended up going to university in Tokyo, though Chika and You ended up at the same one. Riko went to Dia's university, which reunited those two, though obviously at different levels. Everybody was excited and nervous to start the next part of their journeys, and there were plenty of tearful goodbyes. She wished all of them good luck each graduation, but inside she still hurt. They were all missed greatly, and worse, she felt jealous of them. While they were out exploring new horizons, Mari especially, she was still stuck in their little town, with nowhere to go and nothing to do.
She was now nearly two months into her third year, and things were just too different. Her and Ruby were still best friends, but for some reason she didn't feel comfortable telling her about how she felt. They both missed the others, of course, but as everyone left, Ruby seemed to become more open with her emotions. On the other hand, Hanamaru found herself becoming more closed off. She didn't want Ruby to have more worries on top of her ever-present familial issues. As for Yoshiko, even if she did feel like confiding in her, she was out of the running there. She'd tried too hard to push herself either towards a completely normal high school girl or a fallen angel of darkness and had a breakdown in the middle of their second year. Neither of them saw her much outside of school anymore.
There was one remaining constant in her life. One thing that stayed the same despite all of the upheaval around her. Five of her six seniors had moved on to university, but one stayed behind. If she ever went to the Matsuura diving shop, Kanan would still be there with a smile and an easygoing greeting. She always acted as if everything was the exact same, even if that was the furthest from the truth. Hanamaru didn't know how she did it. Doing that had just been plain impossible for her.
She couldn't be mad, though. Kanan being there, acting just as she had when they first met, was a godsend to her otherwise-turbulent emotions. She wished she knew the secret to Kanan's calming life, but she was mostly content to every so often go to the diving shop and spend some time with her, just to feel for a moment that everything was normal again. That didn't mean she wasn't curious about things, however.
Ever since the third years had graduated, she had wondered why Kanan hadn't gone off to university with them. She knew that Kanan's grades weren't top of the class, but had that really precluded her from at least going to the university that Chika and You were at now? It was a topic that she didn't feel comfortable bringing up with Kanan, and didn't really talk about with Ruby for fear of becoming a gossip. As far as she knew, Kanan didn't go to university so she could stay and help run the family business.
That evening, she decided to go over to see Kanan after dinner. She had texted Kanan to see if she was available, and she said she was, so after dinner Hanamaru headed out her way. There wasn't anything she really had in mind to do, but just being near Kanan was calming. They'd become better friends after the third years graduated, and now only Ruby was closer to her than Kanan was. There was something about Kanan that made her feel more peaceful than anything else, and she wished she knew why. Nothing in any of her books gave her a clue to the truth, so she just went with it and hoped the reason would become clear soon enough.
When she knocked on the door, Mr. Matsuura was the one who answered. He told her that Kanan had gone for a swim out back, and Hanamaru couldn't be surprised by that. No matter what, even if there was something important that needed to be done, it wasn't a rare occurrence to find Kanan in some body of water instead. The two excuses she usually gave for it was that she needed to clear her head or she'd just plain forgot that she had to do something. Hanamaru wasn't going to let herself be surprised by either excuse.
She thanked Mr. Matsuura and went around back, stepping onto the docks and looking for Kanan in the ocean's expanse. It didn't take long to find her doing the backstroke a short distance away. She sat down on the dock, took off her shoes and socks, and dipped her toes in the water to wait for Kanan. It felt rude to call out and interrupt her, even though she had said that she was coming over. She couldn't find it in her to be mad in any way at Kanan.
"Hanamaru, hey! Sorry about that. Just thought I'd take a swim before you got here." Kanan laughed as she pulled herself onto the dock. She had noticed Hanamaru was sitting there when she turned around for another lap, and swam over to greet her instead. Water dripped off her body and onto the wood below as she sat a comfortable distance from Hanamaru, just to make sure she didn't get the poor girl wet. "So what's up? How's school going?"
"It's just the same as always, zura. I'm enjoying my writing class, though." She couldn't help but notice the rivulets of water dripping down Kanan's body, mostly bare save for the bikini she was wearing. It always felt like Kanan was effortlessly attractive. She seemed like the type of person who just woke up and was already in full-on sexy mode. It was almost unfair in a way.
"That's great! Not too long now until you, Ruby, and Yoshiko graduate. Have you thought about what university you want to attend?" Hearing that made Hanamaru's stomach drop. Her graduation was coming up, which would throw yet another wrench into the remnants of her best year. She was admittedly excited to explore new horizons outside of Uchiura, and she had a feeling that she and Ruby would go to the same university. Yoshiko's plans for university were unknown at present, however, which left Hanamaru unsure about where she would go. Worse, she would lose the ability to just go over to see Kanan whenever she wanted.
"Yeah, I was... thinking of going to university with Ruby. It'd be farther north, zura." Saying it out loud made her feel even worse. She and Ruby had talked about going to university in Japan, but not in Tokyo with the others. Ruby had wanted to get further away from her family, and to prove that she could do things on her own, which she completely supported. She wanted to follow Ruby there, for both supportive and selfish reasons. It just didn't help that she'd started developing certain feelings for Kanan.
She could pinpoint the exact day that she'd officially fallen for Kanan. It had been New Years Eve, and she'd been feeling pretty down. They'd all gathered together to watch the fireworks, but it just wasn't the same. Dia and Mari weren't there, and neither was Yoshiko. Having six of them there felt strangely minuscule compared to the nine from the previous year. She was glad she got to spend the night with them, but she couldn't help but notice those who weren't there.
The company was nice, as were the fireworks, but it just felt... off. However, while the fireworks were nearing their end, Kanan came up to her and Ruby with sparkles in her hands. She handed one to both of them and asked if they wanted to light them with her. It was then, standing there and holding sparkles in a circle, that she'd started growing feelings for Kanan that were beyond friendship. She didn't know if Kanan had been able to tell that she'd been feeling down then, and she'd never asked, but the way she came over like that felt comforting. It was like she wanted to make sure that she wasn't feeling quite so alone.
She thought about that moment a lot in the past few months, and she thought about if she could say how she felt to Kanan. There didn't seem to be a point to doing it, unless she wanted to get herself hurt. In less than a year, she'd be going to university, farther away from the town like she wanted. That also meant farther from Kanan, though. How could she get into a relationship with someone knowing she'd go away in a short amount of time? Heck, how could she even think of that happening when she couldn't possibly imagine Kanan wanting anything to do with her relationship-wise.
"That sounds like an adventure. You and Ruby are gonna have to tell me how it is. Don't keep me out of the loop, okay?" She leaned back on her palms, staring up into the night sky. It allowed Hanamaru to look at her without as much worry of getting caught. She suspected she wasn't the only one who did that as much as possible. Having gotten to meet Kanan and You in her first year, she realized quickly that a lot of people looked their way. It was almost like a compulsion for all those boys and girls who were physically attracted to more fit girls. Now that You had moved on to Tokyo, there wasn't much eye candy left to give Kanan any competition. Before it'd just been a curiosity, but now she felt a bit jealous.
"Of course, zura! I'll call you every day if you want!" That was a bit farther than she'd meant to go. She clammed up instantly, blushing slightly at the words that slipped out of her mouth. It was true, but that didn't mean she had to say it. Kanan tilted her head to look at her, giving Hanamaru a goofy grin. Ah, but it didn't matter what kind of smile she had. It always made Hanamaru feel weak.
"I'd appreciate that, but I'm sure you'll be busy with classes. I don't mind a text or two, though. It's okay if you can't, though. I understand that being at university makes you really busy. There are times when I don't hear from Dia for a week." Now her smile was more somber-looking, and Hanamaru decided that she didn't like that smile. All of her other smiles were good, but this one seemed too sad. Kanan wasn't ever supposed to be sad.
"I'm... I'm sure she's just busy, zura. I'll text you, though, no matter what! You can count on me, zura!" She wanted to put her hand reassuringly on Kanan's shoulder, but it seemed so out of character. Kanan was always the one to do that. She was the one who would give the others a pep talk to perk them back up. It'd never been something that Hanamaru was very good at. "N-Not that you can't count on them. The others are very reliable, zura."
"Don't worry, Hanamaru. I know what you mean." She laughed, and Hanamaru felt better that the tension had lifted a bit. It still had been there, though, and she wasn't sure what to make of it. She was reminded of the underlying tension between the third years back when they'd started their idol group. After it had all been settled, Hanamaru had figured everything was normal again, and Kanan was back to being the happy, easy-going girl she'd been introduced to. She wasn't so sure now.
"Hey, Kanan?" She wanted to ask the questions she'd kept locked in her mind again. For some reason, right then felt like the proper time to do so. The words stayed stuck on her tongue, though. They were so close to being spoken, but they continued to remain unsaid. Now Kanan was looking at her, waiting for her to say something, but she was just sitting there silently like an idiot. "I..." That was all she could say. The words had died on her throat.
"You what?" Kanan tilted her head in confusion, then frowned when the silence dragged on. Hanamaru's face was growing red, and she seemed like she was about to hurl herself into the ocean. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." She placed a hand on Hanamaru's shoulder, for safety as much as for reassurance. Her hand was still wet, but it had dried enough that it only got Hanamaru's shirt a little moist. "It's okay."
"It's not okay, zura!" She put her hands forcefully on Kanan's knees, catching her off guard. Kanan's hand slipped off her shoulder as she stared with widening eyes. "I'm graduating in less than a year, and I'm going to be far away from here! We won't get to see each other as much as we can now, zura! How is that okay? I don't want us to drift apart! I don't want this to happen, zura!" She had started crying, but she made no move to brush away her tears. She just let them fall. "Everybody else has already left... I only have you and Ruby left, and now I'm going to lose you too..."
"Hey, don't say that." Kanan looked surprisingly lost. She automatically reached out to start wiping away Hanamaru's tears, but she seemed unsure of what to say to make everything better. So she tried speaking in simple platitudes while she reached for something else to say. "We're all going to be okay, you know? You can come down and visit from time to time, and I can come up to visit you and Ruby! That'd be nice, right?"
"It's not the same!" Hanamaru sniffled and crossed her arms, no longer wanting to be consoled, even if it was usually much appreciated. "Dia and Mari left, and then Chika and You and Riko, and Yoshiko's changed... And now it's just going to be Ruby and me, zura. I thought we all were supposed to stay together! It's not fair!" Sure, it was reality, but that didn't mean it was fair.
"I wish I could hug you right now, but I'm still a bit wet." Kanan laughed nervously, wanting to reach out but also not wanting to push herself onto someone who didn't want it. She'd already made that mistake before. "Change isn't always a bad thing, Hanamaru. I understand how you feel, and I miss our friends too. They're always so busy with their schoolwork and their new lives at university, but that's something they want to do. It doesn't mean they don't want to see us, or to be friends anymore. We're all still going to be friends, no matter what."
"Why didn't you go to university with Dia and Mari?" The question she'd been holding onto since the break between her first and second year finally spilled out. She could tell Kanan wasn't prepared for the question, and she didn't say anything at first. Hanamaru wondered if she'd say anything at all without more prompting. "Your grades were fine, right? Why didn't you go?"
"Well, it just... uh..." Kanan laughed, then sighed, leaning back on her hands again. "Yeah, my grades were okay. I wanted to help with the diving shop, but I also just... didn't want to go, I guess." She shrugged and laid down on her back, staring up at the stars. After wiping her tears away, Hanamaru laid down next to her.
"But why not? You don't want to leave Uchiura?"
"Not exactly. I'm not opposed to it, but I do like being here. Like I said, I do have a job here, and isn't that why I'd go to university anyway? And honestly, I don't even feel like I deserve to go, you know? I mean, I've messed up a lot of stuff here. Everything with Mari... She was right, you know? I shouldn't have made her do what I thought was best for her. And with Dia-" Her emotional spiel was interrupted by Hanamaru leaning over and squishing her cheeks. "Hanamaru? What are you doing?"
"I don't want to hear you say that, zura." Hanamaru let go of Kanan's cheeks, but she still gave her a very stern look. "You made a mistake, and everybody forgave you. There's no need to keep beating yourself up about it. You deserve to go to university just like everybody else, zura." This wasn't a role she was used to taking. She'd had her self-loathing phase, her country bumpkin phase, and her smug phase, but she'd never been the one to speak these words of wisdom. It was like she had taken over Kanan's role for a moment there.
"That's a pretty serious tone ya got, Hanamaru. I didn't expect that." She sighed and shook her head, keeping her eyes on Hanamaru. "I appreciate it, but I've made my life here now. Besides, I'd be too old to start university, don't you think?" Instead of responding verbally, Hanamaru huffed and wrapped Kanan up in an awkwardly posed but meaningful hug. "Okay, you don't think that. Hanamaru, I'm wet. You're going to get your clothes wet too."
"Don't care, zura." Hanamaru refused to let go, even if the awkward way she was hugging was making her elbows sore. Sure, her clothes were getting wet, but she could dry them. She just couldn't lay there and do nothing while Kanan talked down about herself. It just wasn't right! "It doesn't matter that you're older. You... You could start university with Ruby and me, zura! We could all room together, and we wouldn't let anyone make fun of you!" Kanan started to laugh, finally reciprocating Hanamaru's hug. "What? I'm serious, zura!"
"I know, I know. I just didn't expect that. It's cute." Hanamaru puffed out her cheeks, looking like an angry hamster. "You're sweet to suggest that, though. Maybe I need to think about it." She sat up, still hugging Hanamaru. "I'd need to talk to my dad, though. I dunno what he'll do without me around to help in the shop."
"Then I'll help too! I'll come argue for you, zura, and I can come back on weekends and help out at the shop."
"You don't have to do that, I promise." Kanan shook her head and laughed, laying her head on Hanamaru's shoulder and hugging her tighter. "We'll see, okay? I'll talk to my dad about it tomorrow. We'll stick together though, okay? I promise." She pulled back, her eyes sparkling with what Hanamaru could tell was the truth. There was no reason to doubt her. Not like there ever was. Kanan then took Hanamaru's hand and squeezed it, making Hanamaru blush. "It'd be you, me, and Ruby against the world, huh?"
"Y-Yeah..." She had mentioned all three of them, but with the way she was holding her hand, and the way she was looking at her, it felt like she just meant the two of them. It made Hanamaru's heart start to flutter. "You and me... and Ruby, zura." There were still more words in her throat, slowly unsticking themselves and wanting desperately to come out into the open. When had there ever been a better chance to say these things? "Uh, Kanan?"
"Mm?"
"I... I have more to say, zura." She was nervous, but she knew that she could do it now. The door was open for her to run through it and confess everything that she wanted to say. Go big or go home, as she had heard Yoshiko once say before she backflipped off of Kanan's roof. "I... I like you a lot, zura. Ever since this year began... New Years, I mean. I noticed how comfortable I feel around you, zura. You make me feel happy. Not that the others don't, but..." Kanan stopped her before she could ramble on any further.
"You mean you like me? Uh, I mean, like like me?" Kanan started to blush, lightly slapping her own cheek. "Wow, that sounded more childish than I expected. But... you know what I mean, right?" Hanamaru nodded, then nodded again to make sure Kanan knew she was saying yes to both questions. "I... I had no idea. But wow, uh, that's great! Not great that you like me, but... I mean yeah, great that you like me. That's not too self-centered, is it?" Hanamaru shook her head. "Okay good. I was worried there for a moment." Now who was rambling?
"Y-Yes, I do like like you. I like your calming nature, and your passion for the ocean, and how much you care for everyone you meet. You're incredible, and I don't want to leave and not get to see you anymore, zura." Her tears were falling anew, but it was a passionate moment. They didn't impede her ability to get her feelings out to Kanan. "If you came to university with Ruby and me, I'd... I'd like like you so, so much, zura!"
This time, Kanan's smile was wide and brimming with happiness. It was exactly that kind of smile that she loved the most. "Well, then I'll definitely talk to my dad about applying! And maybe we can, you know, date or something. We could go diving! Or maybe that's not something you'd want to do. We could go to the movies then, or is that too cliche? Well, we could-" She kept going on, but Hanamaru was content to just hug her tightly and bask in the warmth she was now feeling within her heart. This had gone from a low mood kind of day to an incredible day in mere minutes. Going on a date with Kanan. Potentially going to university with Kanan. What could be a greater adventure than that?
"Or maybe the aquarium! Or have we gone there too many times? But can you really go to an aquarium too many times? Okay, we could go to a Giants game, maybe?"
"That all sounds good, zura. As long as it's with you, I'm sure it'll be a great date." And she meant that, with every fiber of her being.
"Aw, you're such a sweetheart, Hanamaru. Aquarium it is, then! You know, it's so crazy and awesome that we have a coelacanth exhibit, considering how long we assumed them to be extinct. Makes you really consider the power within the ocean. I thought about that while diving the other weekend-"
