°`🍨: D.Gray-Man x GN! Reader
°`🍨: You realize that Kanda never loved you
After three years in the Black Order, you should feel at home. After all, they were like a family, but something didn’t feel right for a long time now. If you look around, you’ll notice how glances lingered on you but they weren‘t glances you would give a family member.
At the moment, you were sitting at a table in the cafeteria to enjoy your breakfast, but today you couldn’t get a bite down. There was a knot in your throat and your stomach turned. You bite your lower lip while you brought your tray back to Jerry. You’re apologetic. As you leave the cafeteria, you notice those looks that burned themself in your back. You weren’t as strong as Kanda, Lavi, Allen or Lenalee, but you’re trying your best. No one really saw how hard you work to become stronger to protect the people of the Black Order and, of course, the innocent people threatened by the Earl.
You shaked your head and lifted your head. You still had to talk to Komui about the next mission. With both hands, you hit both cheeks before making your way to Komui’s office. This mission is not meant to be a long one, nor a difficult one, which is why you should do it on your own. Although you would like to have the company of another exorcist, you will survive the time on your own. After all, there is also a finder with you, which is why you hope that he will have conversations with you.
As you walk to the office, you grab the bracelet around your right wrist. You got this one from Kanda. Although he handed it over with a serious face, you could remember exactly how red his cheeks were. That memory brought a smile to your face. You looked out the window and stopped. Right now, Kanda was on a mission with the others, which is why you won’t see him again until after your mission. It was exhausting not seeing him for a long time, but you knew what you were getting into when you confessed your love to him. No one knows how you managed to get him to return your love, but you don’t want to question it. You’re happy with the current situation.
You stood in front of the office door and raised your hand to knock but what you could hear made you tilt your head in confusion. “Are you pretty sure we should do this?”, you heard Reever’s voice. Slowly, you took a step closer to the door and lied your on ear on the door to be able to follow the conversation better. You could hear a loud sigh and someone getting up from their chair. You assumed it was Komui. He then started talking: “It’s a tough decision, but it would really be best to let her go.” “But at the moment we need every person that can fight against the Earl”, Reever replied. Once again, all you hear is a loud sigh. “I know that’s why the decision is so hard but Y/N would only hurt us more.”
Your breath stopped. You could hear your heart ringing loudly in your ears as you stared shocked at the door. You knew you weren’t the strongest person in the Black Order, but you didn’t know what a burden you were after all. Your hand was shaking, but now there was no turning back. Inside, you hope you heard the wrong name, but the same words kept ringing in your head. You took deep breaths to calm down. Slowly, you knocked on the door and walked in. Inside, you put on a smile while holding your other hand behind your back with one hand. They shouldn’t know you’ve been overhearing them.
After the conversation, you were almost running through the hallways. Your heart started beating faster again. It rang in your ears, but also the world turned before your eyes. Your eyes started to sting and in your room you had to take deep breaths. You leaned against the wooden door and slowly slided down. It all seemed like a terrible nightmare, but you knew how real this moment was. Desperately, you put your head on your knees. How much you longed for Kanda’s closeness. Alone in the quiet, too many thoughts are rushing through your head. But slowly it dawned on you. Those cold glances came because of your weakness. They must have been wondering all the time how Komui still allowed such a weak exorcist to roam the Black Order. Your thoughts went to Kanda. What if he felt the same way ? Was that really love he feels for you or is it pity ? You looked up when you heard someone knocking on the door. You breathed sharply the air in, hoping no one would hear you, even if you could swear that everyone nearby could hear your loud heartbeat.
What you heard now not only broke your heart but destroyed your world even more. "She doesn't seem to be there, luckily," you recognised Lavi's voice. At first you wondered why he was there again but you couldn't help biting your lower lip as you repeated his sentence again in your head. You could now hear Kanda's voice: "I hate to agree with you but that's the way it is". You could clearly hear relief in his voice. "I'm tired of pretending to feel something for this person because of the Black Order," every word he spoke stung your heart like he was throwing knives at it. You could hear the footsteps moving away and you threw your body onto your bed. You pressed your face into the pillow until it was soaked with your tears.
The next day you were back at the same table as the day before. This time you held only a glass of water in your hands. You stared silently at the wall while your eyes felt heavy. The whole night you couldn't sleep because you had to process what you had heard the day before. You were clearly not wanted in this family. With a heavy heart you got up, took all your luggage and left the building early in the morning without saying goodbye. All you did was looking at the building one last time before heading to the station. Without knowing it, Kanda and the others were standing outside your room. They had asked where you were last night. When Komui said that you hadn't left the Black Order yet, they searched the whole building for you. Hoping to find you now, they opened your door after knocking, but your room was pitch black. "Oh man, the room looks abandoned, someone should turn on the lights!" said Lenalee as she looked over the shoulders of the boys. Allen turned on the light and all four of them stopped moving on the spot. The room was really empty.
You looked out of the window on the train. Hot tears fell on your lap. You took one last deep breath before the train derailed and took you your life. That same day, Komui arrived with Kanda, Lenalee, Allen and Lavi at the town where the bodies of the victims of the derailment were brought. With permission, they looked at each body to make sure you were not one of them. Relieved, the young men exhaled when they couldn't find you, but beside them Lenalee collapsed. She was on her knees sobbing loudly and shaking her head. At that moment, two men came into the room with another stretcher. There was an arm hanging out, wearing exactly the same bracelet you and Kanda have.
°`🍨: My first D.Gray-man story ! I hope you liked it :D !
°`🍨: REQUESTS ARE OPEN !