Hey! i've been gorging on your gorgeously written karedevil fic, and i think you've ruined all other karedevil fic not written by you for me, you just get them, it's crazy how the writing just sucks you in and leaves you in a puddle of feels. anyways in case you're taking any prompts, can i please get an angsty/bittersweet fic where Karen this time has to confess her secrets to Matt and how matt reacts, preferably after season 2. Thank you so much for your fics and writing. Love it :)
Hello, darling.
Let me tell you this, your message warmed my heart. A lot. Because the Karedevil fandom is pretty small, I don’t really get a lot of feedback. I do get a lot of prompts, but feedback is rare, so this right here made me smile a lot a lot a lot. So thank you, very very very much.
I have your prompt for you, finally. I’m sorry it took so long. I’m not in the most Karedevil of places right now. After The Defenders, it became kinda hard to write for them. But, luckily, you asked for angsty/bittersweet. So, hopefully, that’s what this is. I hope you like it.
Let me know what you think. It is set after The Defenders.
Much love.
Wall
He was still stuck in bed when she came over.
There were a lot of injuries. He could barely move without a million things hurting at the same time, and Claire had threatened to use the whole extent of Luke’s strength if he didn’t follow her instructions - and the doctor she had approved of - to the dot. So he wasn’t allowed to get up by himself. He wasn’t allowed to try and sit up without help. He wasn’t allowed to do anything, really. He was lucky she let him go to the bathroom alone, at least, even if she did insist on baths, not showers.
Foggy came first, and went on a rant about being an asshole, his best friend, irresponsible, impulsive, stupid and too noble. He also went on a different rant about abusive relationships and when it was time to let people go. Claire yelled at him when he flung himself on Matt on a hug she had told him he couldn’t share.
Danny was like a kid who could not stop talking. Jessica was stoic, but she offered to smuggle a drink for him and threatened to punch him into seeing again, which showed she cared. She sat with him a lot.
Karen came almost a week after he could get visits.
She had been out of town, working on a “story” - she was working with Frank. Foggy couldn’t lie to him before, he can’t lie to him now - and Matt tried not to keep asking for her, but he couldn’t help himself.
“She was so relieved, man”, Foggy told him. “You gotta believe me. She was wrecked when we thought… You know, when we thought you were really gone, she really never gave up hope. I did, I’ll admit it, but she didn’t.”
Which made him happy, he supposed. But he wanted to see her. He needed to talk to her, to apologise, again, for lying, for not letting her in, for pushing her away even when he told himself he was trying. He wasn’t, not really.
He just… He really wanted to see her.
Count the hours as he did, he was asleep when she finally came.
He woke up, his head foggy because of all the meds, and she was sitting there by his bed, soft sobs coming out, her face wet with tears.
How long had she been there?
“Karen…” he calls, but it’s barely above a whisper, and she jumps up, moving closer, sitting by his side on the bed, suddenly crying harder, but her hands are soft on his face, thumbs caressing his cheeks, fingers combing his hair back.
“Oh, my God, Matt-”
He has time to offer her a few reassuring words while she caresses him and cries, but then she’s leaning in and pressing a kiss to his mouth, and suddenly he wants to cry, too.
Why is this so difficult? There is a part of him that had known, pretty much since the beginning, that it was her, it was always gonna be her, but he keeps making everything so complicated. Even when he doesn’t want to, life just keeps-
“I thought I lost you”, she says against his face, and her embrace is soft. He can’t really tell, because he’s so focused on her, but if Claire is watching, there would be no reason to come and make her back off. “When Foggy called me, I was so… I wanted to come back right away, but… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”
There’s a tear of two running from his eyes and into the pillow under his head, but he chuckles anyway.
“Why are you apologising?”
“Because I wasn’t here for you when you woke up, I-”
“Karen, Karen, no. Stop. You don’t have to, you thought I was dead, I would never ask you to… It’s ok. I’m just glad you’re here, now.”
He liked having her this close, her hip by his, a hand on his chest, the other one over him, supporting her own weight on the mattress. Matt held the hand she had over his heart, weaving his fingers with hers, caressing her skin with his thumb, squeezing, feeling her bones shift in his hold, the warmth of her skin making him feel better than he had since that building collapsed on top of him.
“I owe you an apology, not the other way around”, he said.
Moving to adjust her own weight by his side, her left hand found his face and she wiped the tear that had rolled towards his pillow.
“Listen to me”, she said, very softly, her voice shaky from her tears, but clear. “I’m sorry for not seeing… For not realizing that this… This thing you do, this huge thing you do, is important to you. I never meant to keep you from it, I thought… I thought it was something that was eating away who you really were, something that was keeping you from your life. I’m sorry, ok? I know what it’s like to have people telling me I’m not supposed to do something, but really it’s what I’m meant to be doing.”
He didn’t have anything to say to that. He fought for a long time, so hard, to create this man, this version of Matt Murdock that fit in what he thought was right, that people thought was right. Only to torture himself when he feels alive when his mask is on.
“The only thing I ask, is that you tell me the truth. Ok? You don’t have to lie to me, ever, I will never… I will never turn on you, Matt, no matter how bad you think it is. Ok?”
With a funny feeling inside him, like gearing up to lift the heaviest of weights when it is, actually, very light, he nodded, still holding her hand.
He’s fighting the meds Claire has him on. He would be in a lot more pain than he is if he didn’t take them, so he doesn’t complain. But it’s hard to stay awake, he can’t really fight it, he can feel his body going under again.
“Stay”, he asks, squeezing her hand. “Please, stay.”
“I will”, she promises. “I’ll be here, don’t worry, I’m not leaving you.”
When he falls asleep again, her hand is tight around his, and she’s readjusting again, lying by his side, and Matt tries to focus on her heartbeat.
It lulls him to sleep in less than a minute.
.:.
He was having an intense dream he can no longer remember the moment he opens his eyes.
“Matt”, she’s saying, and he doesn’t want to wake up. Maybe this is a dream, how warm she is, the smell of her skin and her hair around him, her face there so close to his. “I have to go, Matt.”
He lets out a small groan of protest.
“I’ll come back later, I promise.” There is a kiss on his face, another on his lips, then another. “I promise, ok?”
“Stay”, he asks as she untangles her hand from his.
“I’ll come back. I’ll be right back, I promise you.”
When he falls asleep, she is halfway out the door.
.:.
Foggy wakes him up to eat, and, really, as much as he loves his friend, Matt prefers when it’s Claire taking care of him. Foggy means well, but it’s just not the same.
“Since you’re bed ridden, I figured I’ll abuse my position as the healthy one and force you to help me on a few cases while you have your soup.”
“Foggy”, he says as his friend puts the tray with the bowl of soup in front of him.
“No, I’m dead serious. I need your help, man, I’m so behind on a shit load of things, and it’s a little bit your fault, so open your ears and turn your brain on.”
Matt sighs while Foggy sits on the floor and opens a file.
“Where’s Karen?” he asks, chasing the lingering perfume she left on his sheets.
“Work. Says she’ll be back later. I need you to focus now, man, I’m really swamped here.”
With a sigh and a silent prayer that she comes back soon, he picks up his spoon.
“Alright.”
“Great. Let’s start with the small ones. Mrs. Riemelt doesn’t think her ex-husband is being generous enough in his alimony. She wants the house in the Hamptons and another ten percent of his shares. Or a seat on the board. Here’s the offer we have from his lawyer.”
.:.
This one is his favorite. Waking up with the tip of her finger running around his face, slowly, a very light touch.
“Hi”, he greeted and heard her smile in her voice.
“How do you manage to be charming even when you’re waking up, all banged up?”
He was, really, just waking up, so he didn’t come up with an answer fast enough, just lied there and smiled.
“How are you feeling?”
“Tired”, he said honestly.
“How can you be tired, you’ve been lying down for two weeks.
“Foggy made me work today. We spent the afternoon working on his cases.”
“Yeah, he told me.”
They lied there for a minute of two, and he was unashamed in enjoying her caresses on his face, but there it was, again, something in her voice.
“We have to talk, Matt”.
He didn’t want to talk. Whatever it was that she wanted to say, it sounded serious, it sounded not as good as this, not as comfortable as this, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.
“I asked you to tell me the truth from now on, so I think it’s fair that I do that, too.”
He was on his side, turned towards her, and even then, even when she was so serious, he liked that so much, having her there, in bed with him, he wanted that every day, forever, for the rest of his life, he wanted her here with him, near him, where he could reach her.
“I never told you why I came to New York.”
.:.
It was a lot. Certainly a whole lot more than he ever thought she had to say. Never had he thought that Karen, sweet, fun, loving Karen had lived through such horrible things.
At her own pace, she told him about her life, about the accident, about her brother, about running, about Wesley and Fisk and her nightmares. She told him, she cried, he held her.
“It doesn’t matter”, he said when she was done, his hands wet with her tears. “None of it matters. You’re here now, you’re safe, I got you, I promise you, this will never happen again, I won’t let it.”
With a deep breath, to calm herself down, to center herself, she let him kiss her, shallow and long, intense, and he gathered her in his arms, an overwhelming need to protect her, to shield her of everything, from the world, from any harm that could ever, one day, come her way.
She let him. But then, incredibly, against his chest, her hand light on his back:
“No, Matt.”
Stunned, he asked why, why, why not, what does she mean, they’re here, she’s here, he’s here, for her, she never has to go through that again, he’ll keep her safe, he-
“I know”, she interrupted. “I know, I’m not doubting you, I know you… I know, ok?”
“Then why, just let me be here for you, please, let me take care of you.”
She smiled inside his kiss, but he smelled the fresh tears welling under her lids.
“I need to figure myself out first”, she argued, soft, ever so soft, never trying to get away from him. “I need to fix this mess, I need to learn how… You know, how to take care of myself.”
“You’re always saying you can.”
They smiled together, his nose against her face, please, please…
“I know. And I can, but there’s so much I need to fix, there’s so much you… You need to do.”
There it was. That thing. Ever present, ever… Between him and her.
“No.”
Even while he said it, even while he shook his head to deny it, he knew it was true. That she was right.
“Karen, listen to me. I’m here, now. There’s nothing-”
“Yes, Matt, there is. There’s a lot, actually.”
“No, there isn’t.” And then. “I love you.”
The breath left her slowly.
“I know you think you do-”
“No, Karen, please-”
“I know, Matt, but… But there’s so much still going on, with those Japanese guys, with Elektra…”
Hearing her name in Karen’s voice was a little bit of a shock. He froze, realizing he hadn’t been told what had happened to Elektra after Midland Circle. He knew that she had made it out alive, but he didn’t even know how he had survived himself, he still didn’t know anything about it, really, details were a mystery to him.
“Why… What do you… Elektra, I-”
“I met her, when I first came to see you.”
Those words sparked some sort of panic inside him. But, to his own surprise, they also sparked longing. Suddenly he needed to know about Elektra, if she was ok, how they had managed to get out alive. Suddenly, right when Karen is right there next to him.
“She told me you guys are leaving”, she went on.
That took him out of his sudden state.
“What?”
“She said you’re just waiting until you can travel, and then you’re going to her place in France, I guess? I’m not sure.”
“No, that’s not- I never-”
“I think it would be good, Matt. You need some time, to breathe, to think, it’ll be good for-”
“I don’t want to be away from you.”
Just like that. Simple, effortless, it just came out, the truth - one of the many truths - lodged inside him, on the back of his throat and in the base of his heart. He wants to be near her, plain and simple.
“I think it’s a good idea”, she whispers, but her hand slipped away from where it touched him, and that wall, that wall that was invisible, but solid, the wall that he hated with all his might, made itself present between them again. “Maybe some space is good, for you, for me, too. Maybe…”
“Karen”, he tried, trying to keep himself in check, trying to not raise his voice, trying to convince her, as calmly as he can, that he doesn’t want this, he wants to stay right where he is. Right here. “If she told you this, she decided it on her own.”
“She told me it was something you guys talked about before, before she… Died. That you talked about going-”
“We- yeah, we did, but that was before. That was-”
“But”, she went on, interrupting him, voice as soft as cotton, but with the strength of a tractor. “Don’t you think it’s… All messy, here? That it would be good for you to take some time away?”
“From you?”
There was a silence that followed his question, and he could tell she was looking at him, with that face, thoughts running wild inside her head, with nothing he could do about it.
“You want me to go and be away from you? For you to be away from me?”
He wanted to hear a “no”. A “no, of course not”, he wanted a kiss and the decision that they were not gonna talk about that anymore, not gonna think about it anymore, they were gonna be together. Instead,
“I think it would be good”. Her hand, down his throat, twisting everything inside him painfully. “Don’t you? We’re not… We’re not going anywhere. Every time we try, every time we decide to start over, something stops it, something… I don’t know, gets in the way?”
“Yeah”, he agreed, trying to tear that damn wall down. “Yeah, her.”
“No, Matt, it’s not her. It’s not. But that doesn’t matter!” she hurried when he made to interrupt. “I think you should go with her. I really do. Even if it’s to be sure, or to change your mind, but you should deal with this, right? With the elephant in the room. In our room.”
She accepted his hug, his kiss, even hugged him back, but then she pulled back.
“You go with her. Ok? As soon as you’re better, you go with her, and do whatever you need to do.”
“Why are you crying?” he asked and she smiled as the tears rolled down.
“I’m allowed to cry, I think. I’m sending you away with another woman. And I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna come back. So yeah. I’m crying.”
“I’m not going away.”
She pressed a kiss on his lips and sat up.
“Yes, you are.” Arranging her hair, she wiped her face and got up. “Bye, Matt.”
He called her name, called her back, but she walked away, out of the door, out of his apartment, out of the building, into a cab, away from him and he lied there, thinking about everything she said, everything she was right about.
Maybe this was the answer. Maybe he should go wherever with Elektra. If he wanted to stay, to be with her, to live the life he thought he could only live by her side, this was the moment to find out. And if not, if he really wanted to be Matt Murdock, lawyer from Hell’s Kitchen, working to help the people of his neighborhood, that needed his help, with his best friend, wearing a suit and a tie, he would come back, back to all of this. Back to her.
The only question is, would she be here, waiting for him? Would the world stop around her, would she stop being herself, good, amazing, Karen, would everyone else become blind to this woman, the best woman, and just leave the path free for him? Would she not meet another man, one that recognized the chance he had right in front of him, one that would not jump at the chance to be with Karen Page?
Very, very unlikely.
He fell asleep eventually, and woke up to a hand, a finger twirling a short lock of his hair around itself.
“Hello, Matthew.”