okay i’m drunk and alone in my apartment so. ignore everything about this post if you want. but. i really hated neil the first time i read the foxhole court. like really hated him. like why are you always lying? why won’t you tell ANYONE what’s going on? but the further i got in the series and the more i reread it i realized. damn. i relate to this motherfucker more than i relate to anyone else in the series. because i too lie about everything. but i don’t really think of it as lying because it’s just whatever i’m just trying to avoid too many questions and avoid the things that i don’t wanna talk about. and i too have a maniacal insane federal criminal father who should be in prison that i am trying very hard not to become despite knowing that part of me will always be him just like part of me will always be my insane mother. and i’m grateful to her for getting me away from him but that doesn’t make the way she treated me after any better. and i’ll always be both of them no matter how badly i don’t want to be. thank god i have a sister who tells me i’ll never be them no matter how afraid of it i am. but i see them in myself and i don’t want to and i’ll never tell the people in my life about it. because even though they haven’t had perfect lives they wouldn’t understand the kind of insanity that my family lives in. no one is actively trying to kill me so at least i don’t have to worry about that part but i do worry about what would happen if my father ever finds me because it certainly won’t be good and i forget. every once in a while. that i did grow up in hiding from my father and i should really still be trying to hide from him