Just a tribe of JJK folks built like fallen trees, discovering romance the way nature intended: poor choices, territorial peacocking, and strategic head trauma.
Each chapter follows a different "Reader" in the same shared valley timeline, so the chaos overlaps and the cameos stack.
Warnings
Crack treated seriously, “courtship” as competitive logistics, and a rotating cast of feral daddies (and later, equally feral women) trying to win, keep, or survive their mate.
Occasional dark jokes (incl. non-graphic cannibalism references)
Chapters
Ooga Booga Battle Royale (the valley-wide first-contact disaster)
Ooga Booga!Neanderthaljo
Ooga Booga!Bonk-kuna
Ooga Booga!Cavewife–Toji
Ooga Booga!Suguwu & The Mowgli Wife
Ooga Booga!Three Wives, One Choso
Ooga Booga!Hiromi: Law, Order ,& Mate
Ooga Booga!Ijichi on a Leash
Ooga Booga!Kashimo get's jumped
Ooga Booga!Shiu's Bad Romance
Ooga Booga!Kusakabe's Lollipop
A/N
If you’re reading for continuity, go in order because all stories are connected; if you’re reading for damage, pick your favorite caveman and sprint.
Requests are open: if you’ve got an actual scenario in mind (setup, conflict, payoff). “Just vibes” or porn-title prompts aren’t useful for this series, and I’m not writing smut unless the plot genuinely calls for it.
Hard no: adult/minor, incest, stepcest. Don’t send it.
Reblogs feed the tribe. Comments keep the rocks airborne.
Not in a soft way.
Not in a romantic way.
Not even in a “I bring mate meat because I care” way.
No.
Kashimo is in love in a “if I do not kill her first, she will kill me” way.
And that is the only kind of love he respects.
Kashimo has fought many people.
He has challenged the strongest men in the tribe.
He has defeated Gojo in a wrestling match once (only because Gojo was distracted by his own reflection in the water).
He has tried to fight Sukuna seventeen times and lost sixteen. (One time Sukuna tripped on a rock and Kashimo declared it a victory.)
But you?
You are different.
Because the first time Kashimo sees you, you try to kill him.
No warning.
No introduction.
No reason.
You just see him, grab a rock, and throw it at his head.
Hard.
Kashimo barely dodges.
The rock hits a tree instead.
The tree cracks in half.
Kashimo stares.
You grin.
Kashimo blinks. (…What.)
You crack your knuckles. (MAN MUST BE STRONG. FIGHT ME.)
Kashimo grins. (Finally, a real woman.)
Then he charges.
You charge too.
The entire tribe watches.
Nanami shakes his head. (This stupid.)
Gojo leans forward. (THIS ENTERTAINMENT.)
Sukuna snorts. (She will kill him.)
Suguru’s feral mate grins. (GOOD. DEATH FUNNY.)
Choso, holding his three pregnant mates, sighs. (This not normal.)
Toji is just eating, enjoying the show.
Meanwhile—
You and Kashimo are trying to kill each other.
You throw another rock.
Kashimo catches it with his teeth and spits it back.
You tackle him into the dirt.
Kashimo laughs.
(FINALLY. STRONG WOMAN.)
You snarl. (I BREAK YOU.)
Kashimo grins. (TRY.)
You punch him in the ribs.
He actually wheezes.
Then he grabs you and flips you over his shoulder.
You hit the ground.
Then—
You bite his arm.
HARD.
Kashimo yelps.
The fight lasts until both of you are bleeding.
Then you both collapse in the dirt.
Panting.
Bruised.
Possibly concussed.
Kashimo turns his head to you.
You turn your head to him.
You grin, teeth bloody. (GOOD FIGHT.)
Kashimo grins back. (MATE?)
Then, with zero hesitation, you grab his face and kiss him aggressively.
The tribe erupts.
Gojo screams. (WHAT AM I WATCHING??)
Nanami sighs. (This… disgusting.)
Sukuna grunts. (Respect.)
Toji’s huntress mate nods. (YES. TRUE LOVE.)
Toji laughs. (Kashimo dead soon.)
But Kashimo has never been happier.
Because finally—
Finally—
He has found a mate that can kill him.
And that is true love.
But now Kashimo is in danger.
Not normal danger.
Not "Toji is looking at me funny again" danger.
Not even "Choso is talking and I want to die" danger.
No.
Kashimo is in real danger.
Because Kashimo is mated.
And now?
Now he must survive.
The problem is not love.
The problem is not attraction.
The problem is that both of you are trying to kill each other.
All the time.
---
Kashimo wakes up.
Something is wrong.
His hunter instincts tingle.
His soul tells him to move.
So he rolls to the side—
Just as a sharp rock flies past his head.
It shatters against the cave wall.
Kashimo grunts. (MATE TRY KILL ME?)
You grin. (MATE TOO SLOW. MUST STAY STRONG.)
Kashimo groans. (WANT TO SLEEP.)
You scoff. (WEAK SLEEP.)
Kashimo rubs his face. (I OLD. NEED REST.)
You grin wider. (OLD MAN DIE FIRST.)
Kashimo narrows his eyes. (THAT CHALLENGE?)
(YES.) Then you tackle him.
And the morning begins.
---
Kashimo tries something new.
He catches a rabbit.
He roasts it.
He sits with you by the fire.
He grunts softly. (MATE. NICE NIGHT.)
You tilt your head. (NICE NIGHT FOR WHAT?)
(TO SIT. TO GRUNT(Talk). TO… BE MATES.)
You squint. (SOUNDS WEAK.)
Kashimo grumbles. (NOT WEAK. ROMANTIC.)
You lean forward. (ROMANCE = FIGHTING.)
Kashimo pinches the bridge of his nose. (SOMETIMES ROMANCE NOT FIGHTING.)
You blink. (THEN WHAT IT?)
Kashimo sighs. (ROMANCE IS… NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.)
You stare.
You think.
Then—
You throw your spear at him.
Kashimo dodges last second.
The spear impales a tree behind him.
Kashimo slowly turns back to you.
You grin. (STILL ALIVE. THAT ROMANTIC.)
Kashimo exhales deeply. (This mate too much.)
---
Both of you are mated.
Both of you sleep in the same cave.
But neither of you actually sleeps.
Because you are both waiting to be killed first.
Kashimo lays still.
You lay still.
Both of you are pretending to sleep.
Both of you are peeking through barely open eyes.
Both of you know what’s happening.
But neither of you will admit it.
Hours pass.
Neither moves.
Neither breathes too loudly.
Neither lets their guard down.
Finally—
You grunt. (MATE NOT SLEEPING.)
Kashimo grunts back. (MATE NOT SLEEPING EITHER.)
You both glare.
You grumble. (MATE THINK I KILL IN SLEEP?)
Kashimo grins slightly. (MATE THINK I KILL FIRST?)
Silence.
Then you grin.
(GOOD. KEEP STRONG.)
Kashimo snorts. (STRONG. NEVER DIE.)
And then—
Then you both finally sleep.
Because somehow—
Somehow—
That was the most romantic thing either of you had ever said.
And while this is fun, it is also exhausting.
And, maybe, just maybe, Kashimo is starting to think there is a better way.
---
Kashimo sits by the fire.
You sit across from him, sharpening a spear.
Kashimo grunts. (MATE.)
You grunt back. (WHAT.)
Kashimo tilts his head. (WHY WE TRY KILL EACH OTHER EVERY SUN?)
You squint. (BECAUSE LOVE.)
Kashimo nods. (YES. BUT… TIRED.)
You blink. (TIRED? WEAK?)
Kashimo grits his teeth. (NO. NOT WEAK. JUST… MAYBE WE KILL OTHER PEOPLE.)
You pause.
You tilt your head. (…OTHER PEOPLE?)
Kashimo leans forward. (YES. TRIBE FULL OF IDIOTS. MANY TO KILL.)
You think.
You look around camp.
Nanami sitting stiffly on the log, his expression a masterpiece of long-suffering amusement while he rubs her pregnant belly as his mate smeared another handful of cold, gritty mud across his forehead in the name of prehistoric skincare. Gojo’s mate looking for him to do the same.
At Gojo, hiding from his mate and stealing Ino’s food.
At Sukuna, sharpening his teeth for no reason while his mate inks his body.
At Suguru recruiting cult members as his mate chases wild rats with a stone.
At Choso feeding his three pregnant mates, still confused why no one asks him for advice.
At Higuruma, looking exhausted and spanking his mate, who looks entirely too happy about it.
At Toji’s mate, who’s currently practicing fighting with Ijichi’s mate.
At Ijichi, Ino and Shiu, who are cooking a feast for the whole tribe tonight by the river.
At Toji, watching it all, amused.
You grin. (MATE SMART.)
Kashimo grins back. (MATE READY?)
You nod. (WE KILL TOGETHER.)
---
Now, instead of trying to kill each other, you both direct your violence at the tribe.
This is better.
This is healthy.
This is romantic.
Gojo is minding his business (stealing Nanami’s food).
Then—
A rock flies at his head.
Gojo dodges. (WHO THREW THAT??)
You grin.
Kashimo grins.
(WE HUNT.)
Gojo screams. (WHY ME??)
Kashimo and you both charge.
Gojo runs for his life.
Nanami, watching, nods approvingly. (Finally. Balance in tribe.)
But you both also have prehistoric ADHD, so you get distracted halfway when you see him.
Suguru is recruiting more cult members.
You and Kashimo do not like cults.
So, naturally, you throw spears at his hair until Suguru gives you attention.
Suguru’s ex-unhygienic, now beautiful mate is snickering with Toji, Sukuna, Higuruma, & Ijichi’s mates in the back, gossiping and eating berries while ordering Gojo around because his mate lost a bet. Gojo’s mate does not care; she’s drunk on something and trying to seduce her mate, who’s scared.
Suguru, dodging expertly, sighs. (CAN YOU FIND NEW HOBBY?)
Kashimo grins. (NO.)
You snarl. (CULT STUPID.)
Suguru’s feral mate laughs. (GOOD. HATE CULT. KILL THEM.)
Suguru glares at his own mate. (WHY YOU LIKE THIS!)
Then your eyes land on pink hair.
Sukuna is sharpening his claws.
You walk up. (FIGHT ME.)
Sukuna snorts. (NO.)
Kashimo walks up. (FIGHT US.)
Sukuna squints.
Then grins. (HMMM. OKAY.)
And that is how Kashimo, you, and Sukuna started a weekly fight club.
The rules?
No rules.
Just murder.
At first, the tribe is horrified.
Kashimo wields a "lightning rock" that’s just a shiny shell he insists is sacred.
You try to invent nunchucks using two gourds and a vine. It fails.
Then they accept it.
Because at least now, the murder is controlled.
Nanami nods. (This better.)
Ino sighs. (At least they not kill each other.)
Toji snickers. (This funniest thing I ever see.)
Gojo cries. (WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME??)
Sukuna grins. (I LIKE THIS SYSTEM.)
Suguru squints. (This cult not worth it.)
Now, Kashimo and you no longer try to kill each other.
Now, you kill together.
And that is the best marriage of all.
---
Kashimo is in love.
This is a problem.
Because Kashimo was not built for love.
Kashimo was built for fight.
For thunder.
For glorious cave murder.
But now Kashimo wakes with soft grunts in chest.
With thoughts of you.
You, who once hit him with a stone so hard his soul left his body and returned with better reflexes.
You, who grind berries with vengeance.
You, who sharpen spears like lullabies.
So—
Kashimo brings gift.
Not meat. Not weapon.
Flowers.
Crushed under his palm.
Dirt still clinging.
But pretty.
Petals blue.
Stems crooked.
You grin because you are the only woman in the tribe who’s gotten flowers without asking.
You accept.
You crush them in your fist.
Within minutes, a squirrel nearby licks the remains.
The squirrel dies.
Aww, he poisoned it.
You look at Kashimo, who’s doing the Neanderthal equivalent of shyly smiling by looking at your feet.
Perfect.
---
Next day, you bring gift.
Berries.
Dark red.
Crushed.
Charred over fire.
Slathered on flat stone like a cake of pain.
You present it with pride.
Kashimo accepts.
He does not eat.
He waits.
A lizard scuttles nearby.
Sniffs.
Licks.
It dies instantly.
Twitching.
Kashimo grins.
Perfect.
This is romance.
---
The tribe watches.
Nanami learns the “tea” now.
His mate insists it's for the tribe’s "emotional stability."
Nanami disagrees but obeys.
She is terrifying. Also pregnant.
He shares it in neanderthal corporate lingo—
Log Entry #47: Kashimo and [REDACTED] poisoning local fauna as flirtation. Possible mating ritual? Concerning.
---
Therapy emerges.
Not because the tribe wants it.
Because Ijichi cannot take it anymore.
Every morning: screaming, fire, fight club, Gojo being chased with blunt objects.
Ijichi, tired. Overcooked.
So he invents... HR.
He builds small mud circle.
Paints angry faces on rocks.
Calls it: Peace Ground.
Declares himself "HR Caveman."
Offers “emotion talk” and “anger squeeze rock” to all.
No one listens.
Except Shoko.
She sits there daily.
Laughs at everyone.
Flirts with Nanami’s mate.
Ijichi logs it.
No one cares.
---
First session: Kashimo and You.
Ijichi lays out “anger clay.”
Made of mashed dirt, moss, and sadness.
You sniff.
Kashimo pokes.
You eat it.
Kashimo eats more.
Ijichi watches in horror.
This is not therapy.
This is madness.
Ijichi goes home.
Cries.
His mate offers to pull out Kashimo and his mate’s hair.
Ijichi declines, then cries into her ass.
---
Elsewhere:
Gojo is afraid.
Of love?
No. Of you and Kashimo.
Because now you don’t fight each other.
You fight everyone else.
At dawn: Gojo wakes to a spear embedded next to face.
At noon: finds rabbit meat stolen (yes, he stole it from Nanami), replaced with bone shaped like middle finger.
At dusk: chased into lake.
He swims.
He cries.
He files... a petition with Higuruma.
Gojo: “Ban Neanderthal Fight Club.”
Ino refuses to sign. Claims “caveman violence is heritage.”
Suguru laughs. Suggests forming a rival cult.
Sukuna bites the paper. Smiles.
Toji rolls it and then starts beating Shiu with it.
Nanami signs “No” under “Yes.”
Kashimo uses it to wipe blood off his spear. Then uses it to cover his squirrel corpse shrine.
The only signature?
Gojo’s own mate.
She draws a picture of his face with tears and labels it “crybaby cave clown 💅” and gives the world its first girlboss.
Gojo sits by the river.
Head in hands.
Wet again.
Not from Bath.
From emotions.
Sits beside Choso, who is holding three coconut shells labeled “wives.”
Gojo weeps.
Choso offers silence.
Then grunts. (I tried therapy. They ate it.)
Gojo sobs harder.
---
You and Kashimo invent courtship escalation.
Not flowers.
Not berries.
Not death desserts.
But action.
You both sneak into Toji’s cave.
Steal his protein bones.
Bury them upside-down.
Leave a cave painting made from blood on a leaf. (LOVE STRONG. TOJI STINK.)
Toji finds it.
Reads it.
Smells it.
Chases you for three suns.
Screams echo across hills.
Kashimo almost dies.
---
Ijichi hosts second therapy.
New tool. (Conflict Journal.)
Made from bark and guilt.
Assigned to Gojo.
Gojo doodles enemies.
Draws Kashimo with big forehead.
Draws you with tiny legs and angry speech bubbles.
Ijichi asks for reflection.
Gojo eats journal.
Third therapy attempt. (Group session.)
Participants:
You
Kashimo
Gojo (forced)
Suguru’s cult (half-possessed)
Sukuna (for reasons unknown)
Ijichi speaks in slow grunts.
Everyone throws clay at him.
Sukuna carves “therapy is fake” into the cave wall.
The session ends in fire.
Ijichi resigns.
---
Gojo is found trying to build a second petition.
This time: (Ban Mating That Is Scarier Than War.)
Shoko steals it. Draws an anatomically correct mammoth’s behind on it.
Gojo’s mate finds him.
Boops nose.
Drags him to the river.
Scrubs his soul.
---
On nightfall.
Kashimo and you sit on a rock.
Watch the moon.
You hand him dirt berry cake.
He hands you a frog skull.
Both poisonous.
Both smiling.
This is peace.
This is romance.
This is prehistoric love.
Lime Green Dividers are from @sisterlucifergraphics.
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