Eurovision 2010s: 100 - 96
100. Kati Wolf - “What about my dreams” Hungary 2011
Ugh I just remembered the Belgian press laughing their asses off at Hungary thinking they could win with Kati Wolf... 😤 Which um... RUDE? What about how she feels?? What about her liiiiiiiiife? Also, WHY COULDN’T WE HAVE HAD THAT OUTCOME INSTEAD??? NO Ellbeast winner and NO Ellbeast hosting AND NO disaster acoustics, let alone NO indentured servitude because the Crystal Arena never gets built! If Kati wins, EVERYBODY WINS!!!
Having said that, lmfao Kati Wolf was indeed never going to win lolol. She was so inept and I adore her for it. 😍 She is one of the first “universally beloved OGAE favourite screws themselves over with a trainwreck live” type of contestant and easily the most iconic one, so much that we can speak of a “Kati Wolf Award” for the biggest OGAE flop every year. So much for their dreams. 😭
However, independent from the suckage, I also greatly enjoyed "What about my dreams” live WHOOPS. I mean, I’ll caveat that the Hungarian version is a lot better. Regardless, both are pretty amazing, alternating between melancholy and self-empowerment, even when coated in a hilariously tacky aesthetic. Love the GIANT blue crystal “ring” (hand-bracelet?) and the blacklighted clothes. 😍 She CAN’T hold back. She CAN’T go back. She MUST be...freeeeeee [of good taste].
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99. Aliona Moon - “O mie” Moldova 2013
What an Iconic Entry. Of course, Aliona’s status as the ~First Growth Dress Ever~ alone grants her that title and for good reason. Six years after the fact it still holds up as a very impressive visual effect:
However, there is more to discuss than merely a display of excellent fashion. “O mie” is also notable for being the rare Competent Moldovan entry. 😲 Normally this is something I do not care about (and secretly “O mie” isn’t *that* competent cf. Aliona choking / the original English lyrics referencing the B’akt’un calendar 😍), but it’s always hilarious when a country with a negative budget/reputation such as Moldova manages to be both innovative AND have jurors eat out their hand while also spending a minimum of money. Of course the song itself is ALSO a great example of orchestral dramedy, courtesy of -who else- musical genius / perfect deity Pasha Parfeny. 😍 LEGEND!
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98. Francesco Gabbani - “Occidentali’s karma” Italy 2017
[2017 review here]
Oh look, it’s 2017′s Kati Wolf Award Laureate. 🤭 I feel kind of bad Francesco flopped though. The one time I support an Italian winner during the preshow and then he DOESN’T win??? ugh. 😒
However, that doesn’t take away from the Gabbani journey, which I found to be one of ups and downs, but fortunately mostly ups: The song is a mindblowingly clever parody of internet culture and, similar to how Valentina did it with “Facebook Ooh Oh Oh”, offers critique by simply showcasing everything wrong with internet culture and overendulging in it, in the most annoying fashion. 😍. This was further enhanced by culturally appropriating hindu/buddhist imagery and dancing with a life-sized “gorilla” on the stage.
However, all the additions + a subpar live performance by Francesco caused westerner’s karma to quickly catch up with him, as his song’s message flew completely over the head of the general European audience and many rejected him FOR being... a culturally appropriating memelord. Oh Francesco. May your incompetence always find a place in our hearts...x
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97. Nina Sublatti - “Warrior” Georgia 2015
Omg, how come Eurovision has SO MANY epic Ninae? Sublatti, Zilli, Zizic, Kraljic,... I DEMAND a reality tv season with all of them!!!
Anyway, Nina Sublatti is a magnificent Athenian owlet who is responsible some of the worst English ever on Eurovision. I mean, yes, we’ve definitely seen worse diction (Aram mp3 😍, and Melovin, obv), but these lyrics are legendary in print:
NOT A SHABBY OR A MONEYMAKER WORLD GONNA LIGHT UP IN PEACE NOT A SHADOW’S VIRULATOR NOW YOU JUST YOU JUST GONNA BREATHE VIOLENCE BREAK THE FREE WINGS ARE GONNA SPREAD OUT I’M A WARRIOR OSCILLATING I’M GONNA GET UP AND BE OOOOOOOH I’M WARRIOR STILL STUCKED IN MY MIN-
No seriously, legit. The lyrics literally read “STILL STUCKED IN MY MIND”. Nina writng all of codswallop by herself and NOBODY bothered pointing out it makes no sense... or perhaps some foolish intern did and were promptly oximated. Either way, 😍
Omg and I just remembered that, after screaming those words at Europe for three minutes while pulling owlfaces and getting devoured whole by LOST’s Smoke Monster, Nina somehow believed she would be the best placing Georgian entrant ever and was FURIOUS she finished in ~only~ 11th place. Delusional queen. <3
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96. Farid Mammadov - “Hold Me” Azerbaijan 2013
I’ll be honest, for the longest time I didn’t want to like Farid. Obviously, "Hold me” is the usual mass-produced Swedish contraband that gets passed around between Azerbaijan, and Malta (random ESC alliances <3).
HOWEVER, no matter how many reservations I had about the song beforehand, Farid fucking... OWNED? lol. Like, for starters, I’ve spoken about bedroom eyes before and this-
-is actually a very good attempt at them. INSTANTLY WET TYRA BANKS, FIRST CALL OUT, SMYZE. Azerbaijan then followed this up with their now trademark ridiculous eyecatching staging that, as per true Azeri tradition, fits the song’s catch rhythm and ignores its insipid message (<3). GIANT GLASS CONTAINER <3 ROSE PETALS <3 The BEST part though is when the female dancer comes on, wearing a giant, endless spine dress. 💃STYLE ICONS💃
All in all, an excellent entry. I am happy it didn’t win though, mostly because 2013 is also the year when Azerbaijan’s televote fraud AND fixed jury votes came to light, WHOOPS!!! 🤭
