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Day 365

It’s over - I’m calling it.

It’s one of those nights again..

It’s one of those nights again where I feel like I’m losing you all over again.

I’m sitting in bed, listening to a playlist I have always dedicated to you, playing those last few days we had together in three years. I distinctly remember you telling me, on the last night we were together, that you weren’t certain when we’d ever see each other again. Out of everything we’ve ever been through and said to each other, that hit me the hardest. I couldn’t do it anymore - yet I’m still here writing to you. Five fucking years later, and still wondering about you. I clearly never really let you go - just thought that you should know. I don’t know what this is anymore. You’d think that by now - five years down the road - I’d have forgotten about you. (It’s quite easy for me to forget something I no longer wish to remember) But this - whatever it is - remains. And to put it bluntly, it fucking sucks. So, tell me world... why?

#katrinabolus

Day 117: Shaking my thoughts of you out.

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Day 116

It's a new chance A new day Avoiding the thought of you coming over I’ve been drafted into your war I feel shafted waking up On your shore once again I never really let you go Just thought that you should know Even though you broke my bones Your soul is where I made my home, my home, my home You were looking for another way out Try to fix these broken things All we had were fragments You were stumbling a new way down Falling on your broken wings All we had were fragments. Can't blame it all on you, Can't blame it all on me We were too young To try to start a family Of our own, of our own, of our own It's too bad you finally came to your senses I don't wanna hear a damn sentence Out of your mouth, out of your mouth You were looking for another way out Try to fix these broken things All we had were fragments You were stumbling a new way down Falling on your broken wings All we had were fragments. And it's hard looking back Knowing what I could've done I’m never going back I’m always on the run And you never really find The pieces that you leave behind All I got from this place is fragments. You were looking for another way out Try to fix these broken things All we had were fragments You were stumbling a new way down Falling on your broken wings All we had were fragments.

#fragments #jamesyoung #katrinabolus

I am hopelessly in love with a memory.

I won’t ever forget the way you uttered, “I love you,” the evening we last saw each other. A myriad of moments we once shared flashed through me (like your life flashing right before you).. Shattered. A part of me instinctively knew that it was over - and I’m still trying to wrap myself around that.

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I hated, and loved you simultaneously. I thought of how undeserving it was for two people, who definitively loved each other, to throw away something beautiful. (what could have been) Hurts, doesn't it? I could feel a lump in my throat forming just thinking about it now... What.Could.Have.Been. How four fucking words can hit you like no other. I hate having to wonder about you now and in the years to come. See, I'd like to be the person I once was before you. Yet, without her (you) I wouldn't exactly know how it truly feels (hurts) to love someone greater than you, wouldn't I?

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I whispered, "I'm letting go now," while we slowly loosened the grip of our hug. I had simply meant "to let go of the hug" because it was unbearable to even hold you, at the time. Although all I ever wanted to do was hold you, just so I knew that this was real. But we both knew that "I'm letting go now," was an innuendo for "I'm letting us go now." (As if we had anything to hold onto anymore) I shouldn't have said it because truth be told, I never will. I'm always going to wonder about you - without warning and without consideration of either time or place. I could be riding the subway or having a meal or sitting and talking to someone across the table, and the thought of you would envelop me like a great wave.

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You walked slowly to your gate as I slowly walked away, neither looking away. I wondered what went through your mind at that moment. (I always will) That point in time tattooed in my memories.. "I won't see you for like another three years or so," you said. "I'll see you when I see you," I said quivering, as we sat on the musty floor, our backs leaned by the bed. I had already knew it would be the last time I'd ever see you - hear from you.. the last of us.... (Damn, my life is literally a romance novel or movie: The Tragic Demise of so and so)

I am hopelessly in love with a memory, an echo of another time, another place. - Michael Faudet

#katrinabolus

Day 115: Sometimes you are aware when your great memories are happening, and sometimes they rise from the past. Perhaps, it's the same with people.

James Salter, Burning the Days

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Day 114: She knew that there was no chance of a relationship between them - too much had happened to him, too little ad happened to her.

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I hate that..

I hate that I came across an old photo of us the other day - thinking I had placed it deep into the abyss of my closet, hoping to never discover its existence. Ever. Often, I question myself, "Why don't you just get rid of it?" Honestly, I'm not quite sure myself. I mean, why do I even hold onto things that hurt me the most? I guess I hold onto to those memories just so that I can be reminded that once.. it was real.. that once, you meant something to me, and that once, I meant something to you. I'd like to think that maybe I still am to you as you are to me. Maybe I'll have the courage to rid of all our memories someday, but for now, I'll suppress my feelings in hopes that one day I'll move on.. or tolerate it just enough so it will no longer be a hindrance in my life. Bleh.

#katrinabolus