#katysvent

[hometownvibing]

Oh god....

[hometownvibing]

Today I saw two dead rats in a row, a bigger one and a smaller one. When me and mom both strongly associate ourselves with the rat as an animal (like it involves soul stuff too)... And we're both struggling with very bad illnesses and disabilities that keep getting worse day by day.

Gave me anxiety, felt like a bad omen.

On the other hand I am not sure how to interpret it, in reality. Aside of personal stuff, rats themselves are also commonly associated with the illness and disease so maybe it is symbolic of the death of "problems". Death can mean many things. But sometimes death can also just mean death.

I guess I'll see where this is heading.

[hometownvibing]

[hometownvibing]

Annnnnd, March 17th-18th rolled over. For the third time now.

I am still sad. I don't know if I will be the same.

Despite knowing all this, and despite knowing there was no way to prevent it and the terrible future was already set in stone before I walked in, I would still take the chance to travel in the past just to experience that again.

After all, I do not owe anyone "moving on" or "getting over it". I just want to rerun back into time I felt happy. A controller of time's ride, on which I would press the rewind button. Over and over and over and over, until it breaks. Even knowing it was illusion.

[hometownvibing]

Looking back at [my] life, I dread its helplessness.

I have a reoccurring vision. In a pit, faced with an abrupt ice-covered slide, that can only be overcame upwards.

But no matter the effort, or the speed, of me running upwards, the success always ultimately depends on whether someone will grab my arm and pull me up for good when I am close enough.

I've never been met with strong, helpful arms at the top of that slide. The arms of whoever is waiting upwards, broken. But arms that are strong to free me only hatefully push me back into this pit, or never care to reach to begin with.

Over and over and over, I slip back to where I started. Over and over, I am faced with how the very top of this icy cliff is too much for me to overcome on my own. While I am completely powerless to convince those with strong arms that I do NOT belong in this pit.

Save my remaining energy until the spring comes and melts this dreadful ice? Or make beautiful ice sculptures so, if the spring is truly to never come like we were promised so, something good will outlive me, and outlive their malice?

[hometownvibing]

Is it strange, to feel some kind of 'peace' over one of my alters dying? Would not grief or resentment be more appropriate?

She grew very large and strong, but ultimately collapsed. I think of how I said, "How beautiful the world can be, when the inside of her head is gone". The grudges, the hatred, the cynism, the misanthropy, the pain, the spite, the perversion, the weight of attracted curses, the hostility.

She fell, like a tree that rotted from within. A tree so big that it's branches blocked our sun. I didn't even realise just how overbearing she was. We never got to breathe, for so long. But for once, this body can feel life the sun gives again. It feels optimism and faith, it can encourage others to not give up, it can trust, it cares for morality and improvement. It can feel hope.

I hold no resentment for the tree, however. It was the most beautiful and fruitful before it started to rot. I suppose I am just glad it is out of its misery. Should we stay down below as humble flowers, to not grow tall enough to meet alike end?

[hometownvibing]

No matter how much I sleep, do nothing or spend time alone I still feel so fucking tired. My demand for rest could not be met in two or even three months, what I am dealing with is catastrophic.