#kaylia.rambles

[obsidian-echoes]

Thinking about Omegaverse Rabbot this fine rabbot runday

Where Robby presented as an Omega early on, leading to him being abandoned as a young child and swearing to himself that he wouldn't let his secondary gender stand in his way.

Omega!Robby who grew tall and manages to hide the fact that he isn't broad in the same way other alphas are simply with the right posture and clothes.

Omega!Robby who takes suppressants like tictacs because, despite everything, he still hasn't come to terms with his secondary gender and being reminded of it every few months is actually the worst imaginable thing to him.

Omega!Robby who fought tooth and nail to be right where he is now, in a job that he loves and where it doesn't matter that he might be an omega as long as he saves lives and protects the people that need help. Maybe that's exactly why he chose this job and fought so hard for it.

Having lived on suppressants for literal decades in combination with the way he behaves and commands the room, leads to only very few people actually knowing his secondary gender. And even amongst those, they tend to forget, because it is not relevant in any way.

Alpha!Jack is different though.

Alpha!Jack knowing the second he met Robby because the chemical bite of Omega suppressants surrounding him within the army-camp is simply ingrained in his brain.

Alpha!Jack who hates seeing his Omega in distress because he's more than sure that Robby hadn't had a proper heat-release in way too long.

Alpha!Jack who never believed in courting the way other alphas did and finally found out that it simply was because he hadn't met the right omega to court yet.

Alpha!Jack who has made it his utmost priority to get this Omega scented and released because he can both see and feel how thin it had ground Robby to live the way he did these past years.

Now he just needs to get that into the stubborn idiot's head.

......

Is this anything? Perchance?

[obsidian-echoes]

He jerked awake, sitting up straight in his bed, his eyes open in shock. Michael's chest, shoulders and back were covered in a thick layer of sweat that had already stained the sheets beneath him in a darker shade of their natural blue.

Rubbing a hand over his face ended in carding his fingers through his hair, where the slight pull on his scalp mirrored part of what he'd just dreamt about.

The result of it, which had caused him to wake was clearly visible in a wet patch having formed on his shorts right beneath the hand that was palming himself as he cursed under his breath, his eyes closing as if he could go back to where he had just come from.

Back into sheets that weren't his. Back into arms that were familiar and warm. Back to lips that covered his body in marks.

Back to something that would never happen.

"Fucking-"

He ripped his hand away from his pants and got up from the bed in a hurry to go change. And shower. And drink a glass of ice-cold water. Anything to get some space between what he wanted. Maybe even needed.

Anything to get him to forget the feeling of Jack Abbot pushing him into his mattress, kissing him until he begged him for more. Anything to forget just how badly he was in love with the man he called his best friend. Anything to forget the painful truth that it was nothing but a doomed little dream that would never come true, because someone as good and perfect as Jack Abbot should never settle for something broken and beat as Michael Robinavitch.

Just that he didn't forget it.

Not that night. Not the next. And certainly not during their next shift change, when Jack started smiling the moment he saw him, making his heart flutter.

How could he ever forget just how much he loved him-

[obsidian-echoes]

I literally cannot stop cackling at people jumping on that collar line at the very end of my clicker training fic. Not because it's silly that they do, but because I didn't expect it to be the thing that sticks with everyone as much as it did.

I intended the line to be much more of a 'stay in the same metaphor' type thing of Robby being trained 'like a dog', which makes the collar a follow-up thought.

However, there is much more to that.

Actually talked to @sixeyedsharks about it before posting and told him

In my head this was going into the direction of Jack being like 'I know you wouldn't want a ring right now, but I guess I'll have to show you who you belong to in a different way'

Because Robby doesn't think he's enough for Jack. Because Robby is scared of accepting what they have as he knows it will get complicated. Because Robby knows that the moment he admits to his real feelings and says them out loud, he will mess everything up and Jack will resent him for it.

And since Jack knows that, he would never force the moron into it, but he's also sick of having to pretend he doesn't love Robby as much as he fucking does.

So if Robby doesn't want a ring, a collar it is.

[obsidian-echoes]

I'm honestly getting a little too excited about the shower scene I'm going to write once I'm back on my bullshit again.

Yearning Michael who forbids himself from walking through the door into what he always wanted and instead slams it shut, hurting both himself and Jack in the process?!

Hurting Michael who still can't forget that night even if he tries to forget it so hard?!

Miserable Michael who cannot for the life of him forget the night and jerks off to the memory of Jack calling him a good boy, coating the tiles of his shower in sticky white?

Guh. I love sending that man through the dumbest bullshit ever because he simply cannot accept the fact that he might actually deserve something good in his life.

Sorry Jack, you're kinda on the receiving end of said bullshit as well. Shit sucks. He'll get there, I'm sure.

[obsidian-echoes]

I have finally found my natural rhythm when it comes down to the difference in names used for Michael Robinavitch in my narration.

I think, the very clear distinction between his personas in my Omegaverse version of him really helped my brain finally settle on what I've been trying to do subconsciously for a while already.

He is Robby, when he is at work. He is Robby, when he needs to perform within the Pitt and has to be responsible for every single life within his department. He is Robby, when he has to leave Michael out on the front steps of the Pitt and doesn't allow him or his issues to follow him inside.

Of course they bleed through. Of course Michael is still there, but the moment his professional persona is being pulled out of the magical hat of depression masquerading as his brain, he is Robby.

Michael is everything outside of that. Michael is the person laying under a blanket on the couch suffering alone in the silence. Michael is the person wondering if the good he brings to the world is enough to warrant the pain he feels inside. Michael is the person wanting nothing more than to be held and swaddled and to be reminded that he is worthy of love despite it all.

Michael is the person Robby abandons at the beginning of every shift because he cannot let him join or else everything falls the fuck apart.

[obsidian-echoes]

I love all my personal versions of Michael Robinavitch so much.

Depressed and Suicidal Michael who cannot, for the life of him, fathom that he really makes a difference at this point. Or rather that the fact that he might make a difference actually makes up for the pain within his soul.

Sad, Self-Deprecating Michael who is grieving and suffering in silence. He does not believe he is worthy of anything but working himself to death because at least he's good at that, and at least than his broken, worthless self managed to do some good after all.

Whimsical Robby, who jokes and smiles and covers his eyes and ears all playfully, when the residents and med students are being silly little geese again. Making them laugh, after all, shows that he's still got something to give that is not inherently connected to his skills.

Flirty Robby who winks and smirks and grins and beams at whoever is at the receiving end of it, because he longs to feel something, longs for a connection that goes so much deeper than the friendships he barely manages to keep now.

Lonely Michael who sits at home, suffering from withdrawal of human touch, human contact, of anything meaningful. Lonely Robby who turns on the TV to hear someone talk to him because the thought of being alone is too much to bear.

Pervy!Robby who had needs and is not above fulfilling them with whoever is willing to do so, when he asks for it. Pervy Michael who lusts after all the people he shouldn't lust after, desperate to keep that side of him hidden. Much more willing to let everyone think he Robby the Casanova and not Michael the lonely horndog.

Kind Robby, who brings food to work, who stays much longer than he should just to help out, who sits and holds the hand of a dying stranger just because they asked him to even if he doesn't have the time for it. Michael who is kind to everyone but himself.

Empathetic Robby, listening and caring and loving and wishing well and breathing in all those human connections that would otherwise go unnoticed. Empathetic Michael who keeps these people in his heart for way longer than their expiration date would suggest he should.

Oh, wait... they're all practically the same version of Michael Robinavitch, just different angles of his personality that I tackle with differing intensity-

Oops.

[obsidian-echoes]

Accountability List

I want to be at least semi-productive today, so here we go. To-Do List to hold me accountable and force me to actually go through with things.

Finish rabbot conference hookup

Finish mutual pining rabbot couch scene

outline next instance of omegaverse

Continue first draft of Robinavitch Case sequel

Sounds a lot but it should be doable until eep time. Just gotta lock in.

Just gotta lock in.

[obsidian-echoes]

So many tiny wips waiting to be written but I just can't find the motivation to aaaa

- Soft Michael going through PittFest anniversary mental health issues

- troubled Jack having a bad night, giving Robby the opportunity to be the supportive part of the relationship for once

- Robby sitting on the edge of the bridge he passes every day on the way to work (not for fun ofc)

- I rlly wanna write some Phone smut too because I think it would do both boys some good during that damned sabbatical

- Cat distribution system.

And all of those aren't even the big fics that are waiting for me... Muse bless me pls. I need it.