I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. This post is very personal and if you’d like to hear about my life right now, it’s below the cut. I’m tagging a few people I recommend regularly in hopes that you can reblog this and let people know I’m taking a break from it for the time being. I don’t want to disappoint people because I know what it feels like to find my own writing on a fic rec list, but I need to take a break.
I had to go to the ER on Tuesday after passing out during class, and now I have to fly home next weekend to visit a cardiologist since my insurance won’t cover it where I go to college. My blood pressure was 170 over something, and many people think a lot of the whole issue was from stress. I’m also not allowed to have caffeine now, which makes it really hard to stay up later to do homework or write because I need to get 8-10 hours of sleep. That also cuts down on the time I can use to format the Bunker Reads posts and make sure I’m saying what I want for each fic.
I just spend all weekend at a music educators conference, which was amazing and life-changing, but I have so much work to catch up on because of it. Not only do I have papers and books to read for reports, but I have 20 pages of music theory homework, piano practice, and I start percussion after a week of missing class, which means I’m already behind.
As I said before, a lot of people think that part of the reason I passed out in class was because of stress from one of my roommates. It’s awful, and hopefully it can be resolved soon since my RA is taking the situation to her boss. If they find out that I passed out because of stress, this girl might be kicked out of our room for instigating a serious health problem. My RA has told us that this girl is being abusive and controlling (based on the things she’s said and done to us), and even though this girl is being incredibly nice to me, it’s still incredibly stressful to think that any moment she could flip and start treating me like she’s treating the other girls.
Needless to say, between the stress and anxiety from my health problems and rooming situation, and the lack of sleep I’m getting because of school, my self-esteem, morale, and attitude are all pretty low. I’m trying to get through my classes and make new friends this year, but it’s becoming difficult. I need to focus on myself right now, which is really hard for me to do since I’ve spent my whole life taking care of others.
I really, really want to keep doing weekly fic recs. Currently, I have 32 fics in my drafts waiting to be formatted onto the list and posted. It’s time-consuming to make the posts and I just don’t have the motivation or the time to do it. I may end up just sending out periodic asks to the writers complimenting them, or posting the lists without compliments at all (even though I loathe the thought of that), but for now there’s just not going to be any posts or recommendations at all.
I’m really sorry, and I hope that y’all won’t be too upset with me for this.
I wasn’t sure how to start this, but I want to nominate @kaz2y5-imagines. Kazzy has had such an impact on my life, some of which I’ve told her through my dozens of letters and tweets, but some she may not know.
Kazzy is one of the kindest, sweetest people I know. She takes time from her day to create stories for us to enjoy. It’s an escape for us when bad things are going on. Not only does she do that, but she talks to us. She answers our asks and our letters, reading them in videos and talking to us like that. She knows how to cheer people up when they’re down, and she knows how to make people feel loved even with just a few words.
It’s because of Kazzy that I’ve been able to help people. She created “Fort City”, an online chat to meet other Supernatural fans and people who read her stories, and the people I’ve met through these chats have become my support system, including Kazzy herself. She’s been there with me through college decisions, my mother’s battle with cancer, changes in my life, and all kinds of things. The people in Fort City have helped to save each others’ lives. Because of Kazzy, people are still living. I have had the chance to talk to people all over the world who struggled with anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts and I’ve been able to tell them that they are loved and that they’re important. I wouldn’t be able to do this without Kazzy and her online chats. I’ve met some of my best friends because of Kazzy, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without these people by my side. They’ve been with me through all of these things too, and I’m forever grateful to Kazzy for allowing me the opportunity to meet them.
Kazzy is the reason that I started writing again. I used to write as a kid but I never felt like I had direction, I never knew what to write about and it caused me to lose my passion. After talking with Kazzy through asks and reading her work and meeting some of the other readers I began to understand the community that writing brought, and it inspired me to start writing fanfiction because I wanted that community. Kazzy has motivated me with tweets and comments in her videos in regards to my letters, and even just being real about her writer’s block and other things.
Kazzy’s real. I don’t know how else to say it. She’s real with us and she’s real with the world. She’s the kind of person who’s willing to stop and help someone who needs something she can provide, even if it’s not helping her. She’s willing to love with every part of herself. She’s willing to show us that life is hard but that we can make it through, even if it seems like it’s going to be tough forever. If that doesn’t make her someone special, I don’t know what does.
