Are we all just gonna ignore the fact that Hakoda was completely okay with Zuko killing himself?????
Oh he was NOT. There was a whole paragraph on him being not okay with it, which is a lot more space than what I typically give to directly stating emotions.
But without trying to make myself out as any sort of cultural expert, seppuku is a very different creature than most Western ideas of suicide. Very different reasons, very different mindsets; some of the most heroic figures in Japanese history committed seppuku and doing so was a further point in their legacy of upstanding honor. (I tend to pull more heavily from Japanese culture than anywhere else in my Fire Nation portrayal, 'cause it's a culture I've actually studied and lived in.)
Hakoda was recognizing that he was very very out of his cultural league, and that he didn't understand this at all, but was still giving Zuko the respect of allowing him a choice that in Zuko's own culture would be the correct one.
He is very very relieved that there was another culturally acceptable outcome in that situation, even if he didn't understand that one, either.
And even if he has no idea what he's actually going to do with this kid now. It's not like he can just adopt the former Fire Prince into his tribe--
Things I'll be able to do once my legs are corrected
--Make it up the hill at the end of the day without getting winded
--Walk places more often instead of bussing everywhere
--Not hold people up when I'm walking with them
--Not annoy people with my shuffling because I'll be able to actually lift my feet
--Run for more than a minute
--Not wear out shoes super-fast by walking on the sides of them
--Not have to buy insoles once every three months
This is a good thing and I need to focus on that. I'm gonna come out the other side of this better than before.
I'm not sorry for freaking out because I needed to, but I'm sorry if I freaked anyone out. I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be better than before.
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
and I'm not done
and I won't be 'til my head falls off
though it may not be a long way off
I won't be done until my head falls off
ETA: Since I already accidentally freaked one person out, took out medical procedure pic and linked to it. Sorry Alf 8(
I've learned over the years that one of the things you don't want to hear in a doctor's office is "Really?". As in, "How long does it take for the pain to set in?" and getting a "Really?" in response to "Well, it was a twenty minute walk over here..."
Okay, so put your hand around your foot and pull back on it. Don't force it, just pull gently back and see how far it goes. Got a good sense of the angle? The average person can achieve an angle of 15-20 degrees.
I experience pain when it hits 3.
I've always assumed that the source of my pain was in my feet, but it turns out I have abnormally tight calf muscles and abnormally short Achilles' tendons. Essentially, the two together draw the front of my feet in tight like a leash--I have next to zero flexibility because there's not enough muscle to allow any slack. As such, I walk on the back of my feet, which turns them in toward each other, and I can't lift my feet more than a couple inches while walking, which is something I've known forever but notwhyforever.
tl;dr, you know that game where you and your friends bend each others' fingers backwards 'til they hurt to test their flexibility? I do that with every single step I take, incrementally. It's especially bad on hills.
So that's how it works. As for fixing it, it's gonna take time. A lot of it. I'm going to be wearing splints at night that gradually stretch the foot back, forcing the tendons and muscles to adapt and heal into longer pieces of flesh. If that doesn't work, it's surgery. Two separate surgeries, one on each leg, with a recovery time of two months for each one. It's called z-plasty, which is probably the only thing I'm enjoying about this enlightenment, and artificially lengthens the tendons:
Not for the weak of heart
Yeah that looks like a fucking barrel of laughs. Especially since the most common risk isover-lengthening them, essentially just skewing the problem in the other direction.
I know this is all jumping the gun, that I start with the splints and the exercises and maybe that'll clear it all up, but for fuck's sake, I am sotiredof this. I'm tired of having some new bizarre medical condition that I have to deal with every two years. I'm tired of feeling like I was born with 30 years already chopped off the clock. I'm tired of there not being any simple fixes and not being able to see at night and feeling so fuckingold. And I'm scared. I'm scared of surgery that might not work and scared of being laid up for too long while trying to find a job and I'm fucking TERRIFIED of the fact that between decreased mobility and decreased eyesight, the one job I've found that I love to do seems to be specifically being targeted out as an impossibility.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. When I really take stock, I'm not that bad. I have all my limbs and organs and assorted fleshly paraphernalia. My hearing is acute, my sense of smell even better, and I have the tools to see decently, if not well. I have to take a fistful of pills twice a day, but I have those pills, the science exists to take care of my laundry list of problems and I have the support to afford it. A lot of things on my body work really well, and I'm thankful for that at least a few times a week, if not every day.
But fuck, guys.
Fuck.
I'm only human, I can only hold on to so much.
I'm just so fucking tired.
At least if I end up needing surgery, I get to talk about having z-plasty a lot.
