Discover Top Posts Tagged with #keepmyselfup.

pressure and follow through.

i went to bed last night with a deep deep fear within. it occurred to me that i am not really satisfied with any of my previous months and i already feel a deep anxiety for this next month to begin. yes, i'm speaking of my previous months of this happiness project. to be quite honest, the only month i truly feel satisfied with is my month of "work." my first month.

maybe that's why they call these things new year's resolutions. or life changing resolutions. these things take time. and commitment. i got thinking about it, and of course a writer, like gretchen rubin or my other idol elizabeth gilbert, can dedicate a month or three to each goal. they used it as research for their books. they probably even received an advance. i am not a writer. i am a girl striving to live. a girl with a dream so big she can't control it. but i don't get paid for self growth.

i woke up this morning with the same fear. i woke up with a very intense case of the hives, a new symptom of my stress and anxiety that i can't quite feel appreciation for. as i'm fighting to itch this very intense case on my neck, i realize that what i'm really fighting is to find my thoughts.

i went looking on youtube for the video above. and what i found first was the previous video post. elizabeth gilbert, herself, speaking about the creative process and the social pressures of that process. i then began thinking about the pressure i place on myself with any project i feel inspired by or passionate about.

here i have a project that i am sharing with the world (though i suspect i have maybe three people who actually read it) and i'm scared to death that i haven't actually done anyone proud. least of all myself. now before you call me with your reassuring words, mom, here me out. i know i make you proud. i know you love this project. but i realized that this deep fear is not so much a fear, as my gut literally telling me i want more. and what that means is, i want to feel the same sense of success i felt after my first month of this project, everyday.

this was supposed to be a year of working on myself. but since that first month, i want it to go on record, i haven't showed up for my part of the job. the opposite of what liz described in her ted talk. i believe my creative genius is begging me to take note. begging me to come back to my desk.

that first month. what a success. to spend so much time and energy striving toward a goal and then to have that goal achieved by the end of the month. what a way to start a happiness project. but do you know what happened beyond that? while my fingers continued to type every month and half ass post inspirations of the following months. my heart and my head were still focused on work. to be honest, i practically belly flopped into my career. but gradually, i started to notice that itch i spoke of earlier. i would try to satisfy my genius entity with the occasional recommitment (like here, here and here), but i would always shut down my iMac and walk away wondering if i had fooled anyone. i'd certainly fooled myself, for that evening at least.

so here it is, a fork. my road has so many different avenues. but the one i have decided to take is to take a step back. i know this project was technically supposed to last a year, and while i told you that i was committed to that deadline, i'm telling you now (with plenty of notice), that if you want this project to be as successful as it was drafted to be, i will need more time.

i'm going to work backward. i'm going to take three months. for each resolution. and i'm going to start today with spirituality and revisit each of my previous months. all of the books from each month have been half read. all of the research half highlighted. there's some good stuff in those readings and i'm showing up to finish the work. follow through was never my strength. i'm the idea girl. i create the idea and let others follow through with it. or it slowly fades into the background hiding behind my new idea.

today, i'm spending my saturday actually reading about spirituality. not skimming it for the main points or inspiring quotes. that's it isn't it. when you set out to better yourself in this big grand world, you best not skim the pages.

#beactive.#backtobasics.#newdeadlines.#happiness.#keepmyselfup.#takethetime.#worksmart.

not going to lie. i. love. this. woman. rachel zoe and her the zoe report is on my daily reads, one because she is brilliant, and two because she is hilarious. tomorrow, i'm takin' it back. bouffant me.

#keepmyselfup.#takethetime.#trysomethingnew.#thinkheadtotoe.

the conflict.

sometimes i wonder. is it laziness? or do i truly care as much as i wish i did? i mean. i keep telling myself, telling others, and blogging that i will do like fergie. that i will think head to toe. that i will TAKE THE TIME. but i don't take the time. maybe it's a silly lifestyle change to make as i'm changing the largest part of my day-style. i go in at 8 and leave at 5:30. long days, actively using both sides of my brain, craving my bed, missing my man, wanting to see my family. going to a crowded gym falls back every day... but i do want to incorporate it. i really do. because i AM thinking head to toe. my body will benefit, yes, but imagine the kind of energy i'll get back into my life or the calm that will help me sleep better, which could let me wake up earlier to get the workouts out of the way. can you tell i'm on a seesaw? a fitness seesaw.

#dolikefergie.#takethetime.#thinkheadtotoe.#keepmyselfup.

mini challenge

be the best dressed in the department. the company is pretty casual. hell, i saw one girl wearing what appeared to be pajama bottoms yesterday. but i have always had a vision of what i would like when i landed my dream job. and it usually looked like something you would see on the pages of lucky magazine. not quite haute couture, not quite jeans and a tee. something in the middle. business casual with a touch of carrie bradshaw. so, because i am working on putting in more of an effort and this is a fresh start and a real chance at being the grown up i have always dreamed of and know i'm capable of, i will give each day's outfit a thought. i will take pride in my clothes, especially considering i have three closets of them. i know it sounds strange to make such an unnecessary competition, but it's a healthy reminder that i don't want to get too comfortable that i stop caring what i look at. my friend danielle teased me last night as i was eyeing some small mirrors at target, thinking i'd place one on my desk. she said everyone is going to say i'm the new vain girl. maybe she's right. i put the big mirror back and snagged a compact instead. subtly vain is okay in my book. plus, maybe it will inspire a bit more out of the third floor.

#takethetime.#thinkheadtotoe.#keepmyselfup.#trysomethingnew.

fresh do fresh digs

last day at the flagship. celebrating with a cut and color before my shift.

#thinkheadtotoe.#trysomethingnew.#keepmyselfup.

problems

i've run into a few this week: 1. when it rains, it pours. 2. if you don't post daily, people don't read. 3. inconsistent schedule. 4. the world's longest tension headache that morphs into insomnia every night. 5. my grandpa batista nino has kidney failure, pneumonia, and a signed DNR, reminding me that perhaps i should have made this month about family, so that i could have reconnected with my nino before i lost my chance. there will always be set backs and nobody is perfect, not even this badass blogger, but my grandma's organic raspberry tea bottle cap at lunch told me not to sweat the small stuff. a poetic sign moments after hearing the news about my nino. "to lose balance sometimes is part of living a balanced life." i guess that means this week is part of my unbalanced balance. and, in my opinion, balance means happiness.

#takethetime.#keepmyselfup.

six to eight

8-ounce glasses of water. easy enough in theory. except when you work for a department that doesn't allow beverages of ANY kind on the floor. thus my six to eight becomes a bit of a challenge for my last few days at the flagship. but as my guy would say in a competitively adorable tone, "challenge accepted." (maybe even add a finger check mark gesture for extra emphasis)

#theacnepresciprtion.#keepmyselfup.

lifestyle change

so this month is actually turning into a bigger project than anticipated. i suppose i came off of last month's success with a bit of cockiness or, rather, under anticipating how difficult this month could be. put on some makeup, brush your hair more than once a week, and workout smarter. should be easy. until you realize that there is a much bigger picture to both your laziness and your appearance. the picture is on a big screen movie theater size canvas. health. it all comes down to health. and when you live on inconsistent meals, binge habits, venti size diet cokes three times daily, insomnia, and high stress thinking, your health can get tricky. i could try and lie and say my life is full of healthy activities, but truth be told, it all boils down to a lifestyle of bad habits and excuses. so as i read the acne prescription, as i lie wide awake despite feeling utterly exhausted, i begin to piece it all together. remember the circle of life i spoke of last month (career without experience, lack of experience because of jill job), i find myself in another one this month. i don't sleep. my skin is covered in teenage nightmares. i eat inconsistently, both in time and quality/quantity. i suffer from seasonal and situational depression. i over think. and i'm kind of too lazy to do anything about any of it, especially when looking at all of it combined. but here's a thought, maybe it all really does come down to how i treat my body, with the foods i feed it and the exercises i work it through. wouldn't that be reason enough to re-evaluate the lifestyle you tricked yourself into thinking made you content, but secretly keeps you under cover miserable?

#theacnepresciprtion.#thinkheadtotoe.#keepmyselfup.