#kelsey stuff

[cineastette]

so im currently in france with one of my best friends who is living down the hall from me. she is the only light in my sad temporarily wifi-less existence and yesterday I was asleep and I hear this frantic knocking on my door and i opened it and there she was, nearly manic with excitement and she just goes “DIP THIS COOKIE IN THIS COFFEE” and hands me a coffee mug and a cookie and beams. i may not be good at much but I am fabulous at choosing friends.

[cineastette]

Heather you are so sweet! I was trying to reply to a post you tagged at me, but I thought I was going to comment and then I e-mailed it to myself?!?!? And now I can't find it. But I want you to know that you are wonderful and sweet and gorgeous! Also, I like your new page. I got lost for a minute and almost thought you weren't you but then I saw your pictures. You look goregous!

Awww! Thank you! Last night I got really sick of my old theme and so I updated it but it feels really conceited to use pictures of me as my sidebar images so they'll probably be changed to Misha Collins or something pretty soon haha. :D I LOVE YOU TOO! Your technological struggles bring light to my life and make me laugh even in these dark dark times. (The times actually are not dark at all, I've just been craving cookie dough for like 2.6 hours but the store doesn't sell that here). I MISS YOU AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BE IN FRANCE WITH YOU! <3

[cineastette]

there's a whole playlist...

my 20 year old roommate whispers excitedly upon finding a playlist of 'silly songs with larry' from veggie tales

[cineastette]

this kind of smells like when i used to burn my barbies

-my roomie, magic-not-realism, breaking the utter silence and whispering from across the room

[imnotokaytonight-blog]

This is an original haiku for you, Kelsey Lee <3

Sorceress of ink;

Words spelled in heartbreak:

The dark poetess.

[imnotokaytonight-blog]

Kelsey, oh Kelsey. If only a coccoon of love was enough, if only the many we could coalesce to make up one beating heart for you to love. We wish it but it is not so and we just try loving you harder, hoping in vain for you, all for you.

[imnotokaytonight-blog]

I do push against the change, because there's a fear in me that's been dug deep. I have no problem falling in love and loving intensely, but giving every little piece of myself to the hope that he'll come through for me, when he always seems so unsure...it, as was once put, makes my heart cry.

I have shortcomings as well. I realize that my own conflicting wants are an enemy that I have to overcome, a challenge that I have to surmount.

As Todd would say, don't say you're trying. It's simple. You choose to do something and just do it. 

It makes it sound so effortless. Is it effortless? Am I like Matt, creating most of my own inner turmoil? Once you hold a fear close in your heart, your soul clenches around it and it's so hard to let go of. 

I'm pushing against myself. I can see my reactions hurting Kelsey and endangering my relationship with Matt, and I'm barely making progress. I can't fathom why it's so slow.

I used to love fearlessly, stubbornly, like she does. But the wrong few first loves kind of beat that out of me, and I don't know where it went. I don't know how to call it back, to tell that part of me that it's loved and wanted and welcome.

I don't know how to trust right. But I'm trying to re-learn it.

[imnotokaytonight-blog]

Tell me,

does the home of your soul have broken windows and black mold?

Are your feelings devouring the cracked, peeling walls of your mind?

Does your rushing blood corrode your very sanity, unsettle the foundation and chew through the woodwork of purpose and hope?

Has someone come through your life like a tornado and ripped the roof off, so even the most benign rain showers soak everything through and doom you to rot from within?

Do you scream like we do?

Do you scream like she does???