What the Wind Says
This isn't something I wish to harp on or overanalyze, because I don't think it's worth the effort, but I don't feel friendship anymore. I just know that something is wrong when a relationship consists of nothing but petty competition, social media links/memes, and movie/TV summaries. I don't wish to hurt anyone's feelings, for I'm guilty of it, too. But, what else is there to talk about?
I feel no closeness. Even when I do have something to say, I don't say it most of the time, because I go to our conversation and see no one tried to engage with me the last time I tried to reach out. Yeah, sure, my way of social interaction usually seems self-involved, but I try, at least. It's just very frustrating...
I know much is going on with the world and with each of us, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm tired of the lonesomeness. For me, I know there is no lasting remedy; I'm just starting to realize there's nothing left for me there. Maybe it's time to move on. I don't know. Perhaps I'm in a bad mood and will want to try again someday, but for now, I'm just going to do my own thing, which is what I've been doing this whole time, anyway...
Add: I left this in my drafts for a few days to give myself time to think about it and to make sure what I felt is how I felt, and in that time, there's been mostly silence--nothing new. It's hurtful. I know there's so much going on, but I can't help but feel there's something personal about it, too. So, what do I do?
Mm, there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to hold on to a situation that makes me feel bad about myself, and at this point, I feel no obligation to try to fix things. It is what it is. I feel how I feel about it, and I make no apologies. If anybody wanted to talk to me about it, then I'd be willing to have that conversation, but as of now, I'm over waiting for that to happen. It's time I put myself first.
Like, I'm at the point where even if there's something there that they're not telling me, I just don't care anymore. I appreciate the times they've been good to me and especially their patience with my physical difficulties, but this ain't it. I'm not saying I'll never want to help them again, though. I'm simply saying I'm not gonna waste my energy on worrying about it anymore.
Maybe I did something, maybe I didn't. I don't give a fuck, and I'm not gonna go out of my way to atone or make it better, because I don't know. S'all there is to it. If I feel the need to chime in or be present, then I will; if not, well, too bad.