And on my deathbed I will pray to the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall, I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on
In your house I long to be
Room by room, patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone, alone
Why Keystone and RvB are so important to me. And also Coldplay music.
Be warned this post is sooo long lmao
For context: this chat
texelations:
there is a whole...;story about why i have so many kids so young
which is also tied into me being an rvb fan
RvB saved me from an evangelical cult news at 11
tuckerfuckingdidit:
i realized you could be anywhere between 30 and like 50+ and was like omg
...omg
texelations:
yeah until 2013 I had not worn pants or trimmed my hair since 1999
also this is why i know nothing of popular culture in the 00s
tuckerfuckingdidit:
good lordie.
texelations:
i know all about veggie tales though
yeah so people think it's weird i'm so into rvb and stuff but basically Tex saved my life so lmao
I am getting a star tattoo on my back soon sometime
so people send me asks "wow how do you make so much time for writing and fandom when you have so much going on?" and it's like I can't not
rvb means so much to me
tuckerfuckingdidit:
:')
i can't
i found rvb when i was r e a l l y depressed and like
i can't really say that it saved my life, but it gave me something to hold on to
and i won't ever forget that
texelations:
yeah
it's like that
texelations:
i was going through such a bad time when rvb came to me, we were being foreclosed on, husband was underemployed, i could no longer wait tables which had been 50+% of our income, we were fighting a lot, we had to move into his grandmother's house which was only inhabitable because we (the two of us) cleaned 5 years of dead roaches and roach crap out of a vacant house with our two hands
i got so upset during one argument i put 10 fingernail holes in my scalp
it was...not a good time for me
tuckerfuckingdidit:
DDDDD:
texelations:
and rvb season 8 started, the day it started i listened to the first secular song i had listened to on purpose (not over muzak at work or something) in 15 years, it was Clocks by Coldplay
tuckerfuckingdidit:
omg
texelations:
and I was like "this is the plot of leonard and allison's life like?? omg" i have deleted the author's note to keystone where i talked about that maybe i should repost the details on that idk
tuckerfuckingdidit:
ooooOOOO
I LOVE COLDPLAY
TALK TO ME ABOUT THE CHURCHES AND COLDPLAY
texelations:
and so i know exactly when i started the first draft of keystone, it was april 1 2010
Okay so here’s where I ramble in reply because it works better as a post than a chat message:
I had discovered RvB during November of 2009. I watched it, but it was one of the few secular things we had watched since we decided to start enjoying some secular media and I felt quite guilty about it since it includes so much swearing and crude humor. I read a couple fanfics, but then shoved it away for several months. But then I learned season 8 was going to be starting in April, and I decided to rewatch what came before in anticipation.
I was thinking a lot about Leonard and Allison and what their situation must have been like--it seemed like it must have been a lot like mine. My husband fell in love with me very quickly and easily when we first met, and there were other factors that made me think that, as well. The day the RvB episode was to come out my husband gave me his mp3 player and let me listen to this song--it actually came up because we had once watched Chris Valentine’s tribute video for the Columbia (which is split up on YT into three videos for some reason but) it used Clocks as part of the soundtrack and the piano part had stuck with me. I asked him if he knew what song that was, and he found it and played it for me.
I remember it pretty viscerally--I was sitting there on the bed, kind of perched on the edge with the earbuds held up to my ears (I have these little ears and earbuds like to fall out) and I listened to the lyrics and kept thinking “this sounds like Leonard. and this does, too”.
The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing
Leonard falls in love with Allison as a young person. She intrigues him and he can’t fight it--he develops a crush on her and becomes just a little bit obsessed with her and what she’s doing.
Come out of the things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head and a
Trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed, singing
Leonard can’t stand leaving her to be less than her best self--but he doesn’t really talk to her about her problems. He just tries to fix them. But Allison is who she is and she reacts the way she wants to. He can’t mold her into the perfect being he wants her to be.
You are, you are
He loves her though. Just for who and what she is. She fascinates him.
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know, singing
In Keystone, he actually provides her with a new home as part of his attempts to help her fix her life. But she doesn’t become exactly what he wants her to be. Even so, he keeps trying.
Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities am I
A part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing
What he doesn’t realize is a lot of Allison’s problems are caused by men trying to make her what they want her to be. He doesn’t realize he’s doing exactly the thing she needs to break away from. He has this total blind spot where he doesn’t see that she needs to fix her own problems, and the solutions aren’t the ones he’s coming up with.
You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
You are, you are
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)
He eventually, eventually, comes to accept that Allison has a mind of her own and that if he wants to be with her, he needs to let her be what she’s going to be. And Allison grows into a better person. But it’s not because of him. None of it is because of him.
I sat down that night, after the premiere of RvB season 8, and started writing Texas Confidential, which was the first version of the Tex life story I intended to write at this point. I canon reviewed after this and realized a lot of what I had written wouldn’t work. Later that week, as I tried to rework that, I was binge reading fic on FFN, when I came across After Schoool Special. (If this story sounds familiar to people who have read Keystone, it’s because since this I got Leah’s permission to remix After School Special into what is now chapter 3 of Keystone.) I read the story and the events that followed the events of her story, based on the lyrics of Clocks, just flooded into my mind. I started working diligently on what was now Leonard’s life story (and Allison’s, by extension) and published it a month later under the title of White Knight. This title refers to the way Leonard saw himself--he was going to save her from herself.
A few days after I started publishing, as well as interacting with Leah’s FFN forum, The RvB Review Crew, my husband again gave me his mp3 player and had me listen to a Coldplay song, a cover performed by Secondhard Serenade. He said it reminded him of what I was writing.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I mean, does this need any commentary for anyone who has read Keystone lmao? He literally does everything he can to fix her, whether she wants him to or not. He literally upends his life and makes it revolve around her, and turns his home into a haven for her, and tries to make her see that she’s worth more than she thinks. (The only thing different in Keystone than it was in White Knight is Allison in White Knight was prone to crying. My view on her changed over time away from that. That part was inspired by this song though.)
Okay so then I started looking at Coldplay’s discography and Coldplay is like the official Leonard/Allison band, I swear.
Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
I don’t suppose anyone who’s read Keystone needs any context for this one. If you haven’t, well, they break up for a while because Leonard messed the fuck up trying to fix her, and he eventually realizes he needs to quit waiting for her to apologize for her part in it and goes an apologizes. And they basically decide to start over completely. If anyone embodies the narrator of this song, it’s my characterization of Leonard. The scientist--the one who looks for evidence and thinks in black-and-white in emotional situations, the one who thinks that if you apply a certain formula things will work out the way you want. But Leonard eventually comes to realize, at least in a measure, that this approach isn’t going to work.
Does this one even need an explanation?
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah they were all yellow
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know you know I love you so
You know I love you so
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know
For you I'd bleed myself dry
For you I'd bleed myself dry
It's true
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do
Leonard worships Allison basically. There’s more to it than just love or obsession. It’s deeper than that.
This is Leonard after Allison’s death. He (in Keystone at least) realizes he can use his expertise in AI tech to recapture some measure of her, to get something of her back, and he just plows through and does everything he can to make it happen.
Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off.
You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the firing starts
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off.
(The ‘big fish in a little pond’ lyric definitely refers to what he perceives as his rivalry with Halsey, btw. Too bad she has no idea who he is lmao.)
Those are the main ones I have but it has given me a great affection for Coldplay and I don’t really care about posts that refer to them as being hackneyed or whatever. I love their stuff and love listeing to it.
(I’m not going to link it here since it’s not Leonard/Allison but also Green Eyes is the most unrequited York/Carolina song. Stupid idiot is just like Leonard I swear.)
ANYWAY YEAH. I used to publish my song choices to go with each chapter of Keystone since these and other songs have been so important to how I write it but no one ever listened to the playlists so I just pulled all that down. I may make a spotify list if anyone shows any interest though--I had a lot of trouble making an 8tracks list because of their rule about only allowing two tracks by the same artist. And now you know why.
Okay so yeah, this whole thing explains my Leonard/Allison obsession, my RvB obsession, my Keystone obsession, and my affection for Coldplay. Message me if you have any comments or questions.
I freaked out when I got this and never sat down to write what I was supposed to write for it, but if I was going to sit down and write it, it would consist of Valerie receiving confirmation that she won the ROTC scholarship she’d applied for. I’m not going to sit down and write it though because I’ve come back to do it like 4 times and get anxious and don’t do it because the actual chapter isn’t done. BLeh.
I’ve never considered this one, which is kind of the point of these questions I guess, lol!
I think for Lawrence it has kind of been the way things went with Neira, because he really does feel he failed her. (Lawrence talking about this is in this chapter here after the dividing line, for those who don’t remember it.) Even though a lot of the difficulties between them were caused by her mental illness, he was the one who chose to pursue schooling and career so diligently once it became clear she couldn’t work. The problem for him is he really doesn’t know what else he could have done, so when it comes to mind it really gets to him. Like, he feels he should have been able to come up with some other solution somehow, even though years of consideration have never shown him the answer to that conundrum. Something that’s not really clear in this chapter is that although he takes the time to tell Allison what happened, Leonard doesn’t really know about the details of this. Lawrence has never sat down and told him. Leonard just has his memories of it to rely on--the fact that his mother left, the fact that Lawrence seems to be such a workaholic. That’s all.
Jackie’s, hm. Jackie really tends to be a person who presents herself in a very genuine way, and she doesn’t cover things up. I don’t really have an entire background written up for her, but I feel as though she doesn’t really keep secrets in any capacity as she enters adulthood and so forth. Though...she does repress her emotional reactions much of the time; Jackie doesn’t like to cry in front of people and she really holds a lid on it when she gets angry, for example. So maybe her biggest secret is that she cares more than she lets on, sometimes.
Not to spoil anything going forward, but Caitlin’s biggest secret as she moves up the ranks at ONI is really that she was in such a serious relationship with Leonard for so long. She’s sort of ashamed of it, in a way, because he’s turned out to be so unscrupulous about things. She doesn’t know that he stole Allison’s brain scan, but if she were to find out she wouldn’t be surprised by the knowledge--it just seems like the kind of thing he’d be willing to do. She will end up needing to testify on the record about their history, and it’s going to be very difficult for her to relive. (Fortunately for her, this history is not as much of a big deal to those receiving her testimony as it is to her.)
hey don't you have like a playlist of chex songs that you made for keystone? i'd like to find it again if you did make one!
I do but I unlinked it from the fic itself. However, I did put a new version of my Leonard/Allison list on spotify and linked it to my playlist tag. You can find that here.
If you’d like the actual Keystone playlist, I’d like you to message me off of anon, but otherwise, you can check that out!
