King Falls AM - Episode 10: Medium Rare
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Summary: September 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben welcome in studio guest, medium Miss Olivia DuPont, however a miscommunication of her talents brings up some painful memories that both Ben & Deputy Troy wish to forget.
[podcast intro music]
Sammy [agitated] I’m not gonna debate you ma’am, I’m just trying to say that gravity really isn’t something that’s up for discussion, sheesh.
Ben [amused] Don’t take it personally. Mrs. Bodenheimer told me in third grade that she didn’t believe in air.
Sammy …conditioning?
Ben Oh, no! Air. In general. She thought oxygen was a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists.
Sammy [disbelieving] Yet she was in charge of educating you and hundreds of other youngsters.
Ben College diploma goes a long way in a little town, buddy.
Sammy Alright, well up next we’ve got a pretty interesting visitor coming in studio with us.
Ben Hopefully so!
Sammy O— you don’t know her?
Ben I do not, but she sent us a ton of emails during the electrolocaust and said she was a big fan.
Sammy All of them say she has a special talent she’d like to share with us and the listeners
Ben Absolutely, and she’ll be coming up after a word from our sponsors.
[dramatic eerie music]
Announcer On the season premier of the nation’s number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. [theatrical crash] Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. [static]
Dan [echoing] They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tanner’s Taffy factory and it’s been abandoned since 1991. [static]
Announcer …or has it?
Dan There’s, uh— God there’s a lot of EVP activity around [walkie talkie sound] Larry, Larry I’d think you better go.
[theatrical crash]
Dan [walkie click] [hushed] Larry? Larry! [walkie click] Larry go!
Larry [creepy, ascending, violin-screech sound effects] [through walkie] I see the lights, man, I see it
Dan Larry move your ass!
Announcer It’s another can’t-miss episode from the show that doesn’t miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition
[News music]
NEWS ANCHOR Season premier, tonight at 9pm on King Falls Channel 13.
[KFAM theme]
Ben That is- ridiculous.
Sammy We’re live, Ben.
Ben I know! It doesn’t change the fact that “Mission Apparition” sucks as much as the channel that shows it.
Sammy It sounded pretty interesting to me.
Ben Dan and Larry from that show? wouldn’t know what to do in a haunted situation to save their lives. Stupid meters and light particles, [“stupid voice” imitation] “oh hey I know! let’s shoot some night vision so everything looks pretty scary and suspect!” Idiots.
Sammy You don’t have to get hot about it.
Ben Oh, I’m just fine, Sammy. I’m simply saying, Mission Apparition is a dumb show Made by dummies For dummies.
Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to direct all your hateful tweets to @kingfallsam and we’ll make sure Ben answers each and every one.
Ben Get at me twitter! #bringit
Sammy *laughs* On a different note, we have a guest in studio with us tonight. She is a self-professed medium—
Olivia [slight South African accent] Miss Olivia DuPont. Heh, see I knew it was coming.
Sammy [laughing] You’re good Miss DuPont. So Ben tells me you emailed us in hopes of coming on the show?
Olivia I was very eager to come visit my favourite late-night AM talk show and maybe help some people with some closure along the way.
Ben Thanks Miss DuPont, we are happy to have you.
Olivia Oh, please call me Golden Owl. *Who-whoo who-whoo!*
Sammy Ummm…
Olivia *Laughs* What a hoot and riot, you should have seen your face Sammy. Please, call me Olivia.
Ben Ha. S- soo… um, you aren’t from King Falls, is that correct?
Olivia That is, I live a few towns over. Up in Big Pine. That’s where my shop is as well.
Ben I love Big Pine! I- I used to go camping there as a kid! It’s beautiful and so laid-back.
Sammy Laid-back? I didn’t know it got slower then King Falls!
Ben You’ll have to excuse Shotgun Sammy here, he’s a Big City guy.
Sammy Anyway, so how did you find out that you had this talent, Olivia? That you were a medium.
Olivia Oh, from a very young age. My parents were veterinarians and we lived in an apartment above their office, so I used to hear- so many lost souls. Day in and day out.
Ben Lost souls? Wh-why were these people hanging out at the vets?
Olivia [confused] People?
Sammy I’m sorry, Olivia. Maybe we’ve got our wires crossed here. We were under the impression that you were a psychic.
Olivia [firmly] Medium. Psychics are low life charlatans.
Sammy I’m sorry, a medium.
Olivia A medium is someone whose 6th sense is so in tune, so aware, that a bridge is made to the other side, in which we can communicate with our loved ones.
Ben Uh, but- but again why were the souls of people hanging out at your parents’ vet office?
Olivia *scoffs* What does this have to do with people, Ben?
Sammy Okay, this bridge that you’ve-you’ve built to the other side. Is it not for people?
Olivia [laughing] Heaven’s no!
Ben I’m lost.
Olivia Well I’m- one of a kind, I get human interference from- time to time, you know [long-suffering] a mother looking to reconnect with her kids, a brother that died in the war. Ugh. I ignore that. This is about our deceased loved ones. The furry kind, or feathered! or what-have-you.
Ben Wait. You talk to dead pets?
Olivia Harsh, but not incorrect Ben.
Ben [growing slightly frantic]Oh, no, see I-I-I booked you so we could talk about your gift and take some calls from the listeners, but—
Olivia We can take calls Ben.
Sammy So, to be clear, you have contact with human spirits and you just toss them to the wayside to talk to Fido.
Olivia *laughs* Anyone can talk to deceased humans, Sammy, especially here in King Falls. This place is beaming with activity- even the two of you could do it if you tried. But nobody talks to our long-lost pets.
Ben I’m sorry, this isn’t what we were looking for Miss DuPont.
Olivia Golden Owl. Hoh, excuse me boys *loud sigh* this one is coming on strong! MMMOOooo MMMrrrr… Moo. *loud sigh* Sorry boys,[solemnly] that was- that was a rough one. Cassie the Cow was crying out. She lived in one of those factory farms and she- *deep breath* was using me to tell the world about her last days in the Cowschwitz[sic].
Sammy Okay folks, we’re sorry. Just give us a minute or two so we can uh… So we can get this—
Olivia I seeee… a dog? forgive me- AAAOOOoo AWAWWOOooo ARAwwo *growls*
Ben [Irritated] Okay, I think we’ve heard enough.
Olivia Wolfington?
Ben This is insane.
Sammy [seriously] Wait. What color is the dog?
Olivia Black— oh a little-bit of brown. He looks like— a lap dog perhaps? Uhh…
Sammy A terrier!
Olivia Oh, of course, I can see it nowww. He’s just wagging his tail, so happy, chasing his ball- Oh! Ooh, he’s mounting your Teddy Ruxpin bear[1].
Sammy That’s him! Oh my gosh!
Ben [incredulous] Wolfington the terrier? Come oonnn.
Sammy That’s my dog, Ben! He ran away when I was in grade school.
Olivia Woof! RUFF! Ruff-ruff-rUFF! Oh. He wants you to know that he’s fine Sammy, Wolfington had a good life. He isn’t mad that you only ever shared your veggies at the dinner table.
Sammy [entreating] Heh, it’s all I could do little buddy! my mom was always watchin’!
Ben Sammy?
Sammy Uh, *clears throat* I mean, y-you know that’s- that’s good, that’s real good Olivia. Uh, thank you.
Ben What is going on here?! Snap out if it, Sammy, this is obviously a con. Facebook info- or something.
Olivia I seee— [whispered] what is it? Is it a bird?
Ben [mocking]Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Olivia Is it a tiny… monkey? No— no no, dig deeper. Marsupial!
Ben You aren’t buying this, right?
Olivia I feeel a- a naame… Serendipity?
Ben [shocked] What the Hell?
Sammy Ben, you alright over there?
Ben I’m- fine. Um. Go on, Golden Owl?
Olivia Is it a… sugar glider!
Ben It is! Serendipity the sugar glider! Oh man.
Sammy You can’t be serious, Ben. Your parents bought you an exotic animal and the best name you can come up with is “Serendipity”?
Ben [defensive] It came already named, man, and No, for the record? we found it. There was a travelling zoo that came through the Falls. And the day after, my friends and I found a box, down at the fairgrounds, and inside? there was little Serendipity, looking back up at us.
Olivia He said he’s sorry that he couldn’t stay. He wishes he did, that mean man with the badge- well, [softly] and you know how that goes.
Sammy Uh, how what goes? What happened?
Ben [upset] I don’t want to talk about it.
Olivia He forgives you Ben.
Ben [forcefully] Golden Owl I said I’m done! Let’s Take some callers.
Sammy Ben, I’m sorry, but this seems like—
Ben [distressed] Why don’t you pry your fingers- into the open wound- of my heart, and dig it all out, Sammy? Sweet Jack in the Box Jesus.
Sammy … You’re right, I-I’m sorry Ben. Well, King Falls you’ve heard Serendipity’s story, now let’s hear yours. 424-279-3858. We are live with pet medium, Olivia DuPont a—
Ben Did he live a good life? Olivia? W-was he happy, like Sammy’s puppy?
Olivia Do you not know?
Ben Know what?
Sammy I’m so confused here.
Olivia Serendipity was a bit of an outlaw. Sugar Gliders are illegal to posses in the tri-state region because of the ’72 Sugar Flu outbreak.
Sammy Seriously, okay guys, I just pulled up Sugar Gliders on the googs, adorable!
Ben They were still illegal. My mom tried calling the travelling zoo but to no avail. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want to keep Serendipity, I loved the little guy but, one of my backstabbing “friends” from school said something to Bodenheimer … I-I don’t want to talk about this.
Sammy They took him away?
Ben Mrs. Bodenheimer did. She took him to the office, and I never saw him again. She said she was going to make sure he got back to the zoo, di-di-did he, Golden Owl?
Olivia MMEEEEOOOOOWWW MEOOOWWW *hisses* Sorry, a calico is summoning me.
Ben Cut the crap! What’s this about the man with the badge?
Olivia [nervously] O- of course I’ve just heard this second-hand. Ben— I mean who’s to say exactly- what happened? It- you know, it’s from a different perspective then we can understand.
Ben What happened?
Olivia Serendipity- bit the man with the badge on the drive and- was tossed out the window. Into the river. Then- eventually down the falls. *chitters and hisses*
Ben That son of a bitch, w-wha-who’s name was on that badge?
Olivia It’s murky. Hard to grasp. Serendipity is jumping from nether tree to nether tree- Oh! Oh! I think I have it. [straining] G. U. N. Oh, I can’t see- D?
Ben [angrily] I knnnew it.
Olivia Take it with a grain of salt Ben- I mean, it’s just one version, from [laughingly] a marsupial no less.
Ben He was an awesome. possum. I-I gotta step outside for a minute [chair squeak].
Sammy While Ben takes a little break, let’s take a few callers.[door closing] Give us a call King Falls. Let’s talk about your dearly departed, uh, pets.
Olivia I’m ready.
Sammy Line 4, you’re live with Sammy and Miss Olivia DuPont.
Troy Gosh darn it, Sammy, I’m really sorry to hear about Ben’s little buddy.
Sammy I’m sure he’ll appreciate the kind words Troy, I’ll be sure to pass them on buddy .
[police radio can be heard faintly in bg]
Troy [solemn] I’ve got a confession to make that I ain’t proud of. I… I was the reason for the demise of little Serendipity. Such a sweet little fella. I just didn’t know he get taken away, y’know? For good.
Sammy Wait. You’re the reason Serendipity was taken away?
Troy Ah hells bells Sammy, I was the one that rolled over on Ben but— I didn’t mean for the little furry guy to get taken away! It was just a real kerfuffle on this end.
Sammy This explains so much.
Troy Me and Ben was best buddies coming up, Sammy. I didn’t want to tell on him, but little Serendipity got frisky one day at lunch and sh[bleep] on one of the teacher’s Mexican pizza. Tough ol’ Bodenheimer cornered me ‘cause she thought he was mine. Ben ain’t never gonna forgive me and that’s deserved.
[door closing]
Sammy That’s all in the past Troy. I’m sure- someday –
Ben Sorry about that guys. Some-someday what?
Sammy Oh, uh- y-you know- we-we’re just taking calls from listeners right now Ben. On the line we’ve got- Troy.
Troy [mournful] Hey Ben. Man I was listening to the program tonight, when I heard Miss DuPont pontificatin’ about the dead animals and su—
Ben [Hastily] Now’s not the time Troy, especially from you!
Troy I’m hurtin’ something awful about Serendipity, buddy. How many times do I have to apologize to make it right?
Ben Loose Lips Sink Ships, Troy, the ship of friendship. Have fun on the SS Backstabber. [click, dial tone] Line 1, you’re live on King Falls AM. Prepare your tissues.
Ron Boys, I won’t keep you long. This question is for, Golden Owl? is that right?
Olivia Yes.
Ron Before my question ma’am, you might want to work on that name. It might just be me, but it sounds like a sophisticated lemon party for birds.Not that I’m against that sort of thing. Sh[bleep] even last night—
Sammy Ron Begley, ladies and gents.
Ron Alright I get it, enough foreplay. Brass tacks Miss Owl, how does it work if you didn’t particularly own the pet, but you saw it as a kid, grew up near it, fed it, maybe had a puff the magic dragon relationship with it.
Ben He wants to know if you can tap into your unending source of pain and find Kingsie’s parents. Maybe tell us how they were, harpooned by Japanese tourists in front of Kingsie as a baby and made into sashimi.
Olivia Mr. Begley I’m not sure if that’s really in my wheelhouse, but perhaps if you introduce me to this Kingsie you’re referencing?
Ron Well hell yeah! How can I get a hold of you to make an appointment?
Sammy All of Miss DuPont’s information is on our website Ron, or you can check it out on twitter at—
Ron Yeah yeah, @, ampersand, hashtag, underscore, exclamation mark dot dot dot King Falls dot net. Shut your sweet little trap Sammy! I got it! I’ll be in touch soon Golden Owl. [mildly exasperated] But seriously, work on that name
[click, dial tone]
Ben Other than, re-breaking everyone’s hearts, Olivia— what do you get out of this?
Olivia I’m sorry for the troublesome story, Ben. Not all of them -hardly any of them- end so badly.
Ben So I’m just the lucky one.
Sammy Ben—
Ben I’m so glad to hear that not everyone’s pet got thrown out of a moving car and into Peace river and down the falls by Sheriff damn Gunderson. That’s the silver lining, right?
Olivia If it’s true.
Ben [skeptical] You get a lot of lying cats and dogs in your line of work, Olivia?
Olivia [awkwardly] Not— to my knowledge.
Ben He did it.
Sammy Okay, let’s not go making accusations it could have been any number of deputies, maybe even from a different county, I mean who can say?
Ben [insistent] It was Gunderson, I just know it. He literally damn near spelled it out! Ask him to spell out the rest, Olivia.
Olivia He saysss, *sigh* Golden Owl, your business license is up for renewal, so don’t rock the boat?
Ben BULL!
Sammy *clears throat* Olivia, we’re gonna take another phone call here in a minute. Perhaps, uh, before that you could give us a light-hearted example of a run in with someone’s, uh, expired creature.
Olivia Well, there was this one encounter with Bruce the Stingray.
Sammy [incredulously] A stingray. Now, what’s a dead stingray got to talk about?
Olivia Well, Steve Irwin[2] for one.
[KFAM outro]
[Credits]
REFERENCES:
[1] Teddy Ruxpin - Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children's toy in the form of a talking 'Illiop', a creature which looks like a bear. The creature's mouth and eyes move while "reading" stories played on an audio tape cassette deck built into its back.
[2] Steve Irwin - “The Crocodile Hunter” was an Australian zookeeper, television personality, wildlife expert, environmentalist and conservationist. Possibly best known for the show “The Crocodile Hunter” (1996–2007), an internationally broadcast wildlife documentary series, which he co-hosted with his wife Terri. They also co-owned and operated Australia Zoo, about 80 kilometres (50 mi) north of the Queensland state capital city of Brisbane. Steve died on September 4, 2006, after being pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in Australia's Great Barrier Reef.