King Falls AM (unofficial) Transcripts

descriptive fan-made transcripts Transcript Guide View on Google Drive Currently captioning: Ep019

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Thirteen: Crop Circle Jerk

View on Google Docs Summary: November 1, 2015 - An emergency at Libbydale Farms has Deputy Troy and King Falls AM on high alert. Mysterious lights? Check. Crop Circles? Check. Intergalactic Gang War? Stay tuned to 660 on the AM Dial to find out.

[podcast intro music]

[S&B show intro]

Ben Good evening! You’re listening to King Falls AM – that’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy Folks, we are jumping right into it tonight. We got Deputy Troy on the line, live from Libbydale Farms. Hey, Troy, can you hear us alright?

Troy Loud and clear, Sammy. Heard you real fine, too, Ben.

Ben [muttered] Suck an egg.

Sammy Okay. So, Troy. Tell the listeners what you just told us right before we went on air.

Troy Ladies and gents, in all my years— and I mean all of ‘em— I ain’t never seen anything like this! Not even comparatively close to what I’m lookin’ at right this instant. [faint sounds of police radio in bg]

Ben POINT. GET TO IT.

Troy Gosh darnit, Ben. I’m trying to sell the magnitude of what I’m feastin’ my eyes on!

Ben Who even knew you could see Libbydale Farms from so far out in the Kiss Ass Sea aboard the SS Backstabber.

Troy You know G-D well I’m not on a ship nor would it be called the SS Backstabber if I were. Don’t be so damn sore, Ben! Everybody knows I’m sorry! Plus- [kinda shyly] I reckon my ship be called the- USS Super Badass.

Sammy *pointedly clears throat* Troy. Ben. Let’s put our differences aside and let’s get to the matter at hand. So, Troy, you’re live at—?

Ben & Troy Libbydale Farms…

Troy & Ben I’m trying to talk!

Sammy GUYS!

Troy A-a-as I was sayin. I’m out here at the farm and out past the barns just hours ago, Old Man Libbydale called us in, and acres upon acres, boys, have been De.Stroyed out here.

Ben [accusingly] Where were yoouu, earlier this evening, Troy?

Troy Using my keen detective skills and ninja-like mental agility, I can see you’re trying to place me at the scene of the crime, little buddy. However Ol’ Troy was sawin’ logs next to the Mrs. before. my. shift.

Ben While crimes are being committed? *scoffs* Typical.

Troy Now that’s a low blow just be—

[shouting over each other] Ben NO! NO! Troy —low my pistol belt— Ben YOUU— N— TROOYY!— Troy — Ben come on— Ben — T— OHH Troy — this ain’t about the farm— Ben [mocking] OHH YEAHHH- OHHH YOU’RE SOOO— Troy — and you know— Ben —GOOD AT FIGHTING—

Sammy GUYS! GUYS! [“break it up kids”/dad-voice] I understand there’s renewed intensity between you two, but Ben, as co-host of this show and a respected journalist— put it away. Troy, you’re the first friend of the Sammy & Ben Show and a deputy sheriff. You guys don’t have to be best buddies, but let’s please report- on the news story- at hand.

Troy Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sammy.

Ben [hissed] Jesus.

Sammy So, Troy. Old Man Libbydale called you out— Acres of his lands destroyed. How so?

Troy Y’all ain’t gonna believe it, but you know I always shoot you straight… Two words: Crop. Circles.

Sammy [incredulous] Crop circles?

Troy It’s like a live action Led Zeppelin album cover as far as the eye can see! Big ones, little ones. The craziest damn designs you ever could imagine.

Ben Troy, I assume you and the rest of Gunderson’s thugs— I-mean-”deputies”— inspected the circles, and the surrounding areas, for man-made tools? There have been stories that men with boards tied to ropes can replicate what people believe crop circles to look like. Bending the crops at the right angles, etcetera… did you find—

Troy Didn’t find anything, Ben. Not a board… not a footprint… nothin’ but hunched over crops.

Ben So you think—?

Troy Oh, there isn’t a doubt in my mind it’s from the UFOs or those lights. I mean, whichever you wanna call it. No man made these! And in just a few hours to boot!

Sammy Okay. So, has this ever happened here before, Ben?

Ben No! Nor abductions! Not even lights being so close to town. The past few months- have been a hotbed for extraterrestrial activity— it would seem.

Sammy “It would seem”? So you aren’t certain?

Ben *scoff/laugh* I only said “it would seem” so you wouldn’t get all defensive about it.

Sammy Okay, alright. Well, as much as I hate to say it, I definitely feel there’s a lot more than meets the eye here in Kings Falls.

Ben I’m not one to say “I told you so”… But I DID tell you so!

Troy Just so everybody out there knows: Libbydale Farms is private property. So, unless you’re doing the dairy farm tour in mornin’, this is not an attraction for looky-loos. There is an official investigation still ongoin’ here. Plus, don’t nobody need another person gettin’ snatched up by the Martians either.

Ben *smug snort* Martians are from Mars, Troy. They aren’t representative of all extraterrestrials?.

Troy [defensive] Whatever— Ben Nye the Science Guy. I’m headin’ out to the field again. I might not be smart as Ben about the aliens and such, but I can definitely sniff out a spot where the Williams boys will come lookin’ for Mischief and Mayhem. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, folks. Now, I didn’t realize you and Troy were still so angry at one another, Ben. You can’t let that hostility clou—

Ben THANKS, DAD! — We’re just gonna take a break to hear from one of our fine sponsors. Maybe Sammy here can talk to me about the birds and the bees after we get back.

Sammy [quietly] Maybe…

[disquieting, melancholic piano music]

Soft, disquieting voice What if what you thought wasn’t really what you thought you thought? … Ever think of that? … Here at the Institute of Science, we can help you become what you’ve always wanted to become… A better you, for a better mankind! Call us today for a free brochure and a C-meter reading. That’s “C” as in “cat.” … We’re coming King Falls… Be well! … And be ready.

[piano fades out]

[S&B theme]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM and we are opening up the phone lines to you. 424-279-3858.

Ben We’ll be talking about the apparent crop circle- situation at Libbydale Farms. As well as if any of you out there have had any experience with this phenomenon.

Sammy So give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam. So, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours.

Ben Line 3.

Sammy Good evening, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Good evening? For who? Certainly not King Falls!

Sammy Hi, Cynthia. How ‘bout you tell us how you really feel tonight.

Cynthia Weellll, to be honessst, I’m a little rattled over these gang signs the aliens are leaving on our turf. Literally.

Ben Cynthia— there is no way to tell if those circles are- angry orrr happy! even. They’re *huff/laugh* just symbols.

Cynthia So’s a swastika, Ben Arnold. Get your head out of your tuchus!

Sammy Okay, obviously, we aren’t trying to raise alarms here, Cynthia. It’s just, uh— it’s an interesting story. Especially here in our backyard. Would you not agree? Uh, you know, it’s not every day you can see this kind of handiwork – man-made or otherwise.

Cynthia You two sound sooo happy. We’re getting tagged in an intergalactic war and all of us in the Falls are sitting around at ground zero.

Ben I- don’t think that’s fair t—

Cynthia That’s the problem! You just. don’t. think! It’s all Tim Jenson’s fault, I just know it. We didn’t have any flying saucer, land-tattooing bedlam before he chased those lights.

Ben He didn’t “chase” anything! He was driving from work and called to report on a breaking news story.

Cynthia Watch your tone, Ben. I’ll buy one of those rabid, disease-ridden sugar flyers and toss it in Lake Hatchenhaw. just to spite you!

Sammy Goodnight, Cynthia.

Ben Sugar glider. And- they are. illegal.

Cynthia So are illegal aliens, but you’re just getting ready to throw ‘em a parade! I can’t! I just can’t! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Heh, alright, uh… Line 12, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Emily Hi, Sammy! Hi, Ben!

Ben Emily! I–I didn’t realize you were back in town!

Emily I just got back. I was listening on the way in! My mom and I actually drove by the farm and saw all the commotion over there. Police; reporters— big lawn-mower thingies…

Ben Lawn mowers?

Sammy Uh, y’ know, if you don’t mind me asking, Emily, why were you out of town?

Emily Oh, I flew out to Buford, Wyoming,[1] for the annual small town librarian expo! And I had my mom pick me up from the airport since— Ben was on the air.

Sammy Wow. So you guys are in the taking and picking up from the airport stage of yourrr—

Ben Friendship. Is that the- word- you’re- searching for, Sammy?

Sammy [kinda smug] Thaaat was exactly the one, Ben.

Emily *soft laugh* You guys are so silly. But I just wanted to say “hi” and tell Ben I’m back home now!— Oh! And starting next week, I’ve got a whole bunch of fun activities I learned from the expo to start doing at the library! Hopefully we can get some of the scared kids back now.

Ben I’ll call you later, Emily.

Emily Goodnight, Ben! Night, Sammy!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Emily Potter, ladies and gents. King Falls Librarian and Ben’s… Friend.

Ben [shyly] Yeah-yeah… Lucky Line 1, you’re on King Falls AM.

Greg Hey, guys! It’s Greg Frickard!

Sammy Hi, Greg! You know, we appreciate you running the ads on the show, sir. It’s so nice to meet youuu… uh, over the phone, of course.

Greg Thanks, Sammy! I— think— we’ve- talked before, and uh, glad to run the spot! Me and Granny Frickard love the show! You should hop on down to the Froggery and we’ll hook ya up!

Sammy I might have to take you up on that offer, Greg!

Greg We’d love to have you! You too, Ben…

Ben Greg, you’re a lifelong King Falls resident… w-we’ve been talking about the crop circles out at –

Greg Oh I know. I’ve been listening, but— I was actually calling about- sssomething else— if that’s okay.

Sammy Uh, yyyeah. Sure thing, Greg. What’s on your mind?

Greg Well, I heard Ben and Miss Potter a second ago and they made a— declaration of friendship? Is that correct?

Sammy Oh! U-uh. Is- this about Emily?

Ben [suspicious] Did you- call before, when Emily was in the studio, Greg?

Greg Uh, noo… *nervous laugh* that must have beeeen… somebody else. But is that true, Ben? Are you and Miss Potter just friends?

Ben [terse] Good friends. *tsk* Close. Friends… Real close.

Greg Huhhh! … Well th- okay! That’s all I needed to know! Thanks a million, buddy.

Sammy Hey— Greg. You didn’t have a comment orr—

Greg Oh, no, no! I j— *chuckles* I don’t know the first thing about crop circles and— what-have-you. Uhh, it’s real interesting and all! but- Miss Potter’s lovely voice just… [sighing dreamily] speaks to me. I always just assumed that Ben and Emily were… “bf” and “gf” respectively, *laughs* but… if that’s not the case, thennn…

Sammy Ben? You okay?

Ben I don’t like putting our— personal lives out there in the public eye…

Greg Well, gee, Ben, I’m— only asking because ifff you’re into friendship with the lovely Miss Potter, and— I’m afraid, uhhh, I might just have to be into courtship. *chuckle* Granny wants to see me married before going into the great By-and-By—

Ben Bye-bye to you too! Greg. Looks like we lost line—

Greg I’m still here, pals! Now about that thing—

Ben [click, dial tone] Line 7, you’re on King Falls AM?

Sammy Did you just hang up onnn—

Ben I would never. LINE 7.

Herschel I’d like to place a complaint, rrright this instant.

Sammy Herschel?

Ben Is everything okay, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Would I call into you nincompoops if everything was hunky-dory?

Ben I guess not… No.

Sammy So, what seems to be the issue, Herschel?

Herschel All this yackin’ about G-D UFOs and crop circles, for starters. Makes my damn d[bleep]k itch.

Sammy Sir! This is—

Herschel Did you call me to tell me what to think, comrade? Or did I call you to talk about an issue?

Sammy Please continue, Mr. Baumgartner…

Herschel Thank you. So, I’m out on the lake tonight— got up brright and early, so I could make sure I got my special spot.

Ben “Got up early”? It’s— just now a little past 2…

Herschel You the sleep police?! Ya little bastard… I thought not.

Ben Sorry, Herschel.

Herschel So I’m trollin, out on the… well. That parts Top Secret, boys. But I’m trollin, so I don’t scare the bigguns away, and those g[bleep]ddamn sons of b[bleep]chin’ rainbow lights start blowin’ through the sky. Looked like Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat[2] was fightin’ that big Jap lizard!

Sammy Godzilla? Please don’t use derogatory wor—

Herschel McCarthy[3] would’a skinned your ass alive, you Red[4] sack ‘a sh[bleep]t! Can I tell my story?!

Sammy Of course, I’m just asking you not to—

Ben [quickly] I’m on the button. Sammy. Heh. Herschel’s gonna Herschel!

Sammy Okay. So, you saw the lights tonight…

Herschel Saw ‘em? Hell. They scared the literal piss out of me. Got a trickle down my Carhartts[5] look like the state of Florida. I’m out here naked as a jaybird! Not a fish in sight.

Ben I’m sorry, did you just reference a musical, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Oh, just ‘cause I like some colorful metaphors, means I can’t be refined, Ben?!

Ben I wasn’t— I didn’t– im-imply— I’m-I’m just saying—

Herschel [softly, for Herschel] Ol’ Mrs. Baumgartner, (god rest your sexy soul, Edna), used to love those hippy-dippy singing plays. And I’d do anything to keep in those pants, fellas.

Sammy Oh, god.

Ben Awww. [pleading] Can we get back to the lights?

Herschel That Edna. Oh, lemme tell ya… Oh! Uh, yeah– the damn lights! Yeah, so, I saw ‘em. What the hell else am I supposed to tell ya about it?!

Sammy Well, you were calling to complain about them, I’m sure.

Herschel That’s right! I’d like to report that no-good drunkard! Cecil Sheffield! Called that cumbersome ass-wart damn near 15 times to come bring me a pair of skivvies to no avail! Avoiding my calls and his duties as the co-winner of this damn boat!

Ben It’s— so late, Mr. Baumgartner. I’m-I’m sure he’s sleeping now.

Herschel You would take up with him!

Sammy W-well, Ben’s just sayin’ that he isn’t avoiding you so much as he’s, you know— probably asleep.

Herschel Sleeping one off! Soggy son of a b[bleep]h. He knows if I ring the special line, it’s a damn emergency.

Ben So, you guys have made up?

Herschel Made up my ass! If he’s gonna be “co”-anything with Herschel F. Baumgartner, that tally-whacker’s gonna have to keep up his end of the bargain.

Sammy To be at your beck and call in case you… soil yourself…

Herschel Don’t be crass!

Ben So, you guys are actually sharing the boat? That’s awesome! I figured you only—

Herschel I ain’t sharin a damn thing with that son of a b[bleep]h! Stop stirrin’ the pot or I’ll make what Charlie did to John McCain look like foreplay, Ben Arnold!

Sammy So, to the point. You’re calling to complain about Cecil because he’s sleeping through your time of need?

Ben But! He is corroborating seeing the lights, Sammy! That’s a big deal.

Herschel Just have an intern or something bring me some britches and stop fiddle fu[bleep]ing fuss! 32 long! I’ll be at Begley’s. He’s probably peering out his window lookin for a damn show… I don’t like beige! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy You’re on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.

Riley Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.

Sammy This again?

Ben *groans*

Sammy You know, I wonder, do you wake him when we say special keywords, or…?

Riley Mayor? You’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Grisham Sammy. Ben. I hate to rain on your little topic of discussion tonight, but let’s shut it down. It’d be much appreciated.

Ben What??

Sammy The always-fair, Mayor Grisham, folks. Remember this come election time next year.

Grisham Do you think that a public servant should have to call the local “Tom & Joe Chucklehut Show” to ask them not to jeopardize a police investigation?

Sammy Do you ever call Channel 13 and tell them what to report and how? We are a topical late night talk show, Grisham.

Grisham Mayor.

Sammy I didn’t vote for you.

Grisham Fair enough. I don’t expect you to respect anything but your own pathetic grab for ratings. Now, regarding Channel 13—

Ben Sorry, Mayor. Obviously, Sammy is flustered. He wouldn’t have used such a bad example if he was thinking straight—

Grisham The answer to your question, Sammy, is no. I wouldn’t call in and tell a reputable news agency how to do their job. BUT, amazingly enough, I continue to have to ask you to stop your rhetoric— seemingly once a month or so. Interesting, don’t you think?

Ben You do realize the only people that watch Channel 13 are drunks that can’t find the remote and animals left alone with the TV on, right?

Grisham Whatever helps you sleep better, Ben. I can tell you for a fact that, right now, Storm Sanders is probably not working a “local yokel” interview and digging up the muck. He’s reporting on city ordinance 29.44371.

Ben Storm is knee deep in a barrel of backyard bathtub hooch during commercial breaks.

Sammy So, Mayor. What is this ordinance? Ya know, since we aren’t reporting the news to your liking, give us a glimpse into what works for you.

Grisham The add-on to the local YMCA? The new menu over at Rose’s! I’m not paid a handsome salary to do your job.

Sammy Oh, right! I forget you think you can dictate what we report on, for free.

Ben Sammy… they’re destroying the crop circles! That’s the ordinance!

Grisham There’s hope for you yet, Ben. Don’t go down with this ship. I’ll put a good word in for you elsewhere.

Sammy You son of a b[bleep]h! You’re destroying the crop circles?! That could be the only thing that brings Tim Jenson home!

Grisham Don’t bring Tim Jenson into this! The city is paying Libbydale Farms a fair share for their remaining crops! But it is in the public’s best interest to mow down this batch of mischief accordingly! Especially after this broadcast.

Sammy *derisive scoff/laugh* You are despicable.

Grisham These affairs aren’t your business to ramble on about… Do the weather! Talk about traffic! I mean, I filled those potholes! Stop making trouble!

Sammy Freedom of the Press. When your assistant isn’t typing out our every word, maybe have her look it up and tell you all about it.

Grisham I can’t wait to hear about it! And here’s a little phrase for you to look up too! OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.

Sammy Uh-huh.

Grisham Do you think using your connections to officers of the law to report on “breaking news” is fine and dandy, Stevens?? *sniffs* You are perverting the course of this case. Things— especially ongoing issues— aren’t meant to be talked about until all the facts are out there! And you— *sniffs* IDIOTS are playing on the scene, reporting with your bagel-eating buddy! who happens to be a cop.

Ben *scoffs* ‘s not my buddy.

Sammy BEN.

Ben I’m not throwing you under the bus, Sammy. I just hate Troy.

Grisham So, the moral of the story would be, gents… some things require couth. Some things require kid gloves when handling. And most things don’t need to be aired in the public for ratings and entertainment. A perfect example being how, I’m sure Sheriff Gunderson will handle Deputy Krieghauser on his own, for calling into this joke of a show with police business constantly. Doubt you’ll see that done during a press conference.

Ben Uh… is that… really necessary, sir?

Grisham This show is a breeding ground for incompetence, and you’re now dragging your pals down with you. Straighten Up and Fly Right.

Sammy Troy doesn’t need to be punished for you to make your point, Grisham.

Grisham Out Of My Hands… I’ve already had Riley send my opinions on it over to the good sheriff! Now again, I ask you: pick a different topic of discussion. Maybe one that won’t lead to the continued pain and misery for all those around you. Night night, fellas! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy [quickly] I’m gonna call Troy.

Ben Umm, uh *nervous stuttering* W-we’ll be back after this— King Falls. We’ll- we’ll take some- calls about uhh… *helpless scoff* I guess we’ll- see…

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Buford, Wyoming - “America’s Smallest Town”, Buford is mostly just a convenience store/gas station. The population was 1-2 from ~1995 until it was completely abandoned in 2017.

[2] Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is a musical comedy with lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The story is based on the "coat of many colors" story of Joseph from the Bible's Book of Genesis.

[3] McCarthy - Joseph Raymond McCarthy was a Republican U.S. Senator from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of the “Red Scare”, a period in the United States in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion. He is known for alleging that numerous Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers had infiltrated the United States federal government, universities, film industry, and elsewhere.

[4] Red - Communist

[5] Carhartts - Carhartt, Inc., is a U.S.-based apparel company founded in 1889. Carhartt is known for its work clothes, such as jackets, coats, overalls, coveralls, vests, shirts, jeans, dungarees, fire-resistant clothing and hunting clothing.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers

View on Google Docs

Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses

[podcast intro music]

[jazz music]

Chet Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Until next time… keep it cool King Falls.

[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]

Ben Good evening, you’re listening to King Falls AM [door closing]– that’s 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben show— sans-Sammy at the moment.

[footsteps]

Sammy Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!

Ben Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.

Sammy *laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: I’m coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thing’s stoppin’!

Ben No.

Sammy No *laughs* yeah it did.

Ben … SOOOOO… Weee’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…

Sammy Ben.

Ben *pointedly clearing his throat* … Yes?

Sammy Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head “no”, but the audience can’t. Sooo, what’s the issue here?

Ben *nervously* I’m sorry we… just don’t talk about this, Sammy.

Sammy So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?

Ben [flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.

Sammy WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when it’s not Halloween.

Ben Two things. 1) That’s a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.

Sammy Come on? You don’t like decorating? Trick-or-treating?

Ben ALL OF IT. It’s like you’re— tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.

Sammy Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie— this is kind of a surprise.

Ben What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.

Sammy Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween… ritual?

Ben Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?

Sammy Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around ‘em and make my way up the mountain.

Ben … I don’t like this. I-I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?

Sammy You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.

Ben Well, that’s good. *breath* It’s something.

Sammy Okay, so the roses…

Ben [voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?

Sammy I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.

Ben [muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so… *deep breath* Every year, around this time—

Sammy Halloween…

Ben OCTOBER.

Sammy Uh-huh…

Ben Every— October… there is a certain society of people— and I use the term “people” loosely— that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s— a fact.

Sammy And?

Ben Annnd… nobody really knows what happens after that.

Sammy [audible grin] But legend has it…!

Ben Don’t “legend-has-it” me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?

Sammy Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?

Ben *breathes in* Uuuugghhhh… Well, I think people either accept this weird— invitation or… they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well… they don’t, last long after that.

Sammy Okay. So we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.

Ben Not- murder- per say, but… businesses that decline tend to… move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but… I couldn’t prove it. Are you satisfied now?

Sammy Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!

Ben DON’T open the phone lines!

Sammy We’re-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!

Ben Don’t call or tweet us. Please.

Sammy Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]

Ben NOPE! Not gonna happen.

Sammy Ben…[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.

Ben I expected better of you, King Falls.

Sammy Lucky Line 1, you’re on the air with Sammy And Ben.

Pete Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.

Ben [flatly] Pete?

Sammy [quiet and amused] Escobar?

Pete N-uh- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listenin’.

Ben Wwhat’s on your mind tonight, Pete?

Sammy Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?

Pete [faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to… stand up for myself! Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.

Sammy Who’s fighting?

Pete Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; you’re picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]

Sammy Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didn’t talk and, y’ know, sometimes you have to—

Pete Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.

Ben Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, but—

Pete But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.

Ben Thanks, Pete.

Sammy [mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?

Pete Abs-absolutely not! I– d-don’t try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]

Ben You okay over there, Pete?

Pete [failing at being nonchalant] Yeah I’m just out, and… uh, just out.

Sammy [incredulous] This time of night?

[car door slamming]

Pete Yeah! I’m- runnin’ errands and- stuff like that, y’know. ‘T’s- It’s not- it’s not your business!

Ben [literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huh…

Pete You’re makin’ something of this. Yer- you’re doin’ somethin’, you’re getting me invo— Stop.

Ben It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.

Sammy So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?

Pete Ben Arnold. If you’ve got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next feww… mm— mmmm… lifetimes! He’s gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.

Sammy You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]

Ben [semi-stern] Y’mind answering his question, Pete?

[creaking]

Pete Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple ‘a horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.

Ben Until tomorrow.

Pete PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]

Ben Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?

Sammy Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said… I’m gonna say, it’s a tad bit suspicious.

Ben There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON!

Sammy Maybe you’re right.

Ben Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.

[rattle, guitar strums]

Dale (presumably) [voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Dale’s Dollar Tree… [strum] at dirt cheap prices… [strum] it’s almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you ‘bout some unbelievable deals we have right now… at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Let’s segue to the savin’s [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed… Who’s guaranteeing it, you ask? … Me… [guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethin’ in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Dale’s Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]

[S&B theme]

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and you’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearse—

Ben [cutting Sammy off] So we’ve got a great show scheduled tonight. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.

Sammy And who is Mr. Goldblum?

Ben Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! He’s on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.

Sammy … That’sss-something.

Ben Indeed! So that’s in about… forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Rose’s Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.

Sammy [TIL] Really? That’s something that’s happening?

Ben Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.

Sammy You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeees-ness”

Ben You don’t wanna know how hard that was…

Sammy -eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?

Ben Uhhh… cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin’ to Rose.

Sammy Gotcha!

Ben And our first topic of discussion this evening— was gonna be—

Sammy About the flowers.

Ben Don’t.

Sammy Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.

Ben You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!

Sammy You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Herschel Ugh, I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!

Sammy *laugh* Herschel??

Herschel Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Don’t even know where my slippers are…

Ben Mr… Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.

Herschel I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!

Sammy Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk about—

Herschel I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy We’re gonna count that as one for the flowers…

Ben Line 14, you’re live on the air.

Creeper Long time listener here!

Sammy [click, dial tone]

Ben Did you hang up, Sammy?

Sammy Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.

Ben Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.

Beauregard Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is—

Ben Beauretard?![sic]

Beauregard *sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little “radio show.” I thought I would call and clear the air.

Sammy Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY further— that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.

Beauregard How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.

Ben That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were—

Beauregard Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.

Ben When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to— well— you.

Sammy *sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?

Beauregard Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouut—

Sammy So, you’re behind these deliveries?

Ben Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus— you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic of the show.

Sammy Oh, stop it.

Beauregard [agonizingly insincere] I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.

Ben I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and— let’s play devil’s advocate and say, sure, you’ve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you haven’t heard of this.

Beauregard Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or the Illuminati orrr— equal rights for the sexes.

Ben I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.

Sammy Wait… Mr. Beauregard. If you don’t care about this— and, in fact, haven’t even heard of it until tonight— why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?

Beauregard You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement before— I’d have to assume that this “rose” ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.

Ben Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.

Beauregard Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary— perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh… I’ll be going now, “gentlemen.” And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and… check your door.

Ben Isss that a threat?

Beauregard Trick-or-Treat, Samuel… Benjamin. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.

Ben He probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60s… The 1860s.

Sammy Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air— so let’s just—

Ben I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.

Sammy What?!

Ben Yeah. [chair sliding out] I’m sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isn’t—

Sammy A sugar-glider on a noose?

Ben Too far. I was just gonna say— that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.

Sammy And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.

Ben I’ll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]

Sammy [shouting after him] Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh… I’m guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorry— apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not… [chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?

Ben [upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?

Sammy What’s wrong?

Ben [sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?

Sammy You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m happy with you filling me in.

Ben Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy! I didn’t have to. I looked out the front window.

[ominous bg music getting louder]

Sammy Yeah? And?

Ben [hissed] damnit

Sammy … Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?

Ben The whole parking lot- your car, MY car— as far as the lights will let me see— Nothing but white roses, man.

Sammy … Are you serious?

Ben Go look!! Just don’t go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.

Sammy [scrambling for optimism] What’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?

Ben ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.

Sammy [seriously] Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.

[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. It’s “murder” spelled backward.

[3] “ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird” - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Eleven: Ringin’ Hell’s Doorbell

View on Google Docs

Summary: October 1, 2015 - After an unexpected listener call-in, the boys find a cassette tape in the mail and listen live as an adventure unfolds from one of King Falls less-friendly hiking trails.

[podcast intro music]

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44AM here at King Falls AM.

Ben It’s a slow night. You wanna do… weather and traffic?

Sammy It’s warmin’ up! And if there’s traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems.

Ben *snickers* Got that right, Sammy! Uh, before we go back to the phones in a sec, I’ve got an email I’d like to read you. I think you’ll get a kick out of this. [definitely smirking]

Sammy Oh! Well, very cool. Alright, whatcha got?

Ben [eager] So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right?

Sammy … No. What are you talkin’ about?

Ben Yes you do. It’s that brain tumor of a show on Channel 13?

Sammy I-I- I know the show, Ben! I’m saying I didn’t know you wrote them.

Ben Dude. You’re gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. *snicker*

Sammy Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back, running an ad, of course. [not hopeful] So, please don’t tell me you got confrontational?

Ben If telling the truth about their staged scares counts as confrontational, then… [smug] I totally did.

Sammy Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM; please continue…

Ben *excited laughter* Okay, let me read this to you. “Dear Sammy,”- [aside] sorry, you— left your station email up.

Sammy Uh-huh.

Ben “Dear Sammy, We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry! you feel the show is “Overly Produced” and not “true to the nature of actual distressed spirits.” In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name-calling just isn’t needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.”

Sammy Ben. [resigned] What did you call them?

Ben Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back, and they’re going to be shooting a future episode- of the show- in King Falls.

Sammy No way!

Ben I said “we have many fine spectral establishments here.” The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait.

Sammy As much as I hate to say this, you’re gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least.

Ben Oh yeah. [stoked] I’m not sure which to offer up the old Slaughter House off Cottontail Hollow or the library.

Sammy I’m not gonna make a you’re-trying-to-impress-Emily comment here, because I know that that place is chock full of activity.

Ben Exactly.

Sammy But… [semi-muttered] You are trying to impress Emily.

Ben *deep breath* Whatevs. K-ca- Okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show? they asked if I’d like to come on set so I can get an interview live.

Sammy Well, book it! Make it happen!

Ben Done and done.

Sammy But please stop using my email.

Ben No promises.

Sammy Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, we’re gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic?

Ben *tsk* I absolutely do, but you can’t have it until a touch after the 5 o’clock hour, Sammy.

Sammy You heard the man, ladies and gents. It’s a bonafide free-for-all for the next ten minutes or so. Give us a call 424-279-3858.

Ben Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam

Sammy Lucky Line 1, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [deep, nasally, almost bestial voice] Uh, yeah… *heavy breathing, smacking lips* Did you check the mail? Heh

Sammy [mildly sarcastic] Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski[1] calling from prison?

Line 1 Uh… you’ll have a topic sooon… heh… [ominous click, dial tone]

Ben Yoouu know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right?

Sammy [exasperated] Don’t.

Ben It’s a verbal triple-dog-dare! I’ll be right back.

Sammy *sighs* One day, it’s just gonna be a head. I just know it. Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.

[ominous music]

Line 5 [voice is male, higher pitched, and very nervous] Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I- I need to speak with you in private. Please!

Sammy Iii’m gonna be a little bit sir- we just came back from break. But I’m happy to talk about whatever.

Line 5 We really can’t talk about this on the air. Ehh *nervous breathing* It’s about… wwel-I- *quick sigh* - I really don’t wanna say too much, but— I sent you a text message about, uh…ohh…a month or so back? We need to speak! It’s incredibly urgent!

Sammy Sir, I get a lot of texts over the course of a month.

Line 5 W-well- we can’t talk about this on the air.

Sammy Who am I speaking with?

Ben [returning] We have mail, Sammy!

Line 5 [almost whispered] I turned the power back on…

Ben Mr. Thompson?

Probably Mr. Thompson Err— no! [click, dial tone]

Sammy Hello? Sir?

Ben What was that about? [laughing slightly] I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor.

Sammy Can you get a number on line 5, Ben?

Ben … Yeah! Yeah… uh, in a minute! Look at this!

Sammy *laugh* Is that a cassette tape?

Ben Yeah. No letter— just a tape. It’s labeled “D.D.” [eager] We should play this.

Sammy I hope it’s Duran Duran.

Ben I’ll just stick this in… heeere.

Sammy Uh, do you think we should listen to that first? I know you got a trigger finger on the dump, but…

Ben [smugly] You’re looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state.

Sammy You know, there’s a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, I’m just gonna cruise- right on past.

Ben Where’s the play button on this hunk’a junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio?! It’s 2015.

Sammy I think you know why.

Ben [hands rubbing together] I’m excited! [sounds of tape being inserted in the player]

Sammy You better be payin’ attention. I don’t want to hear one –

[TAPE PLAYS]

Lance [heavy Australian accent, narrating like a documentary] “This is Lance McCord checking in. I’m about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. It’s heavily wooded and just getting thicker.”

[stop click]

Sammy Do you know this guy? “Lance”?

Ben Never heard of him. But if the “R” word was politically correct for broadcast? I’d totally use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies.

[play click]

Lance “So far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the ‘Devil’s Doorstep.’ I guess that’s why I’m talking to you; tracing my steps. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary. I have noticed a lack of wildlife and birds, to be this far in the bush.”

[stop click]

Ben … There is no way.

Sammy “The Devils Doorstep”?

Ben Definitely the R-word— or has a death wish! Or both!

Sammy Where is this place?

Ben [reluctant] It’s north of King Falls. It’s a dark-ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isn’t from around here because he’d know you don’t even talk about it, much less go there.

Sammy Ominous…

Ben And We Don’t joke about it.

Sammy [challenge accepted] It sounds so inviting, The Devil’s Doorstep. What kind of Welcome Mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a “NO SOLICITING” sign?

Ben Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but… Don’t.

[play click]

[eerie siren-like singing in bg]

Lance “Right, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. It- looks like it’s just you and me, pal. I lost a little bit of, uh, time. I got turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, it’s hard to… [ominous chant-singing in bg. there’s static/rustling/indistinct whispers that fades in and out] Still no wildlife. I don’t know if any men or women have ever stepped where I’m stepping. I kind of like that.”

[stop click, siren song stops]

Sammy Did you hear something there?

Ben NOPE! NO SINGING.

Sammy I didn’t say singing. I said something.

Ben I didn’t hear anything!

[play click]

[static or whispers in bg]

Lance “It’s getting colder now. Darker. That or my- mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singing— whispers. It’s, uh– it’s head games. [siren song begins] Nothing’s gonna stop me from making it to the gate.”

[stop click]

Ben I think that’s enough.

Sammy Ben, honestly. “Gate?” I’m not following here. You’re the expert, what’s he looking for? Or- or why’s he even looking for it?

Ben COMMERCIAL TIME! Let’s do this…

[“exciting” sports channel music]

Announcer [Mexican accent] Weekdays! 6 to 9 AM, Listen to the Hector el Chavo Show! The fastest growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area! On King Falls Deportes! AM. Every week, Hector el Chavo discusses your favorite sports with your favorite players! Don’t miss out this week. Monday we talk to Big Pine Striker, Javier Rancor. Tuesday we’ll talk to Saddle Creek midfielder, Jorge Carpe-Gutierrez! And Friday we talk to King Falls Goalie Bubba “Super Gringo” Wallis! Tune in to Hector el Chavo Show, King Falls Deportes on 730AM. Your sports capital for goal!!!

[KFAM theme music]

Sammy And welcome back to King Falls AM that’s 660 on the radio dial. We’ve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, there’s a hiker out adventuring in—

Ben [desperately, voice breaking] LINE 8, you’re live.

Finn Ooh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape, y’know?!

Ben Forget the tape! Ha-how-how’re you doing, Finn? Is everything— still intact?

Finn Doin’ swell, just swell! [scratching sounds]

Ben You okay there, Finn?

Finn Oh sorry! Didn’t think you’d pick that up. I’ve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, or— something – I don’t know!

Sammy Glad to hear you’re doing well, after…

Finn *growling* [scratching continues]

Ben [apprehensively] … You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn?

Finn Oh, no. [horn in bg] Just got cut off going down the highway, here. [muttered] Lousy drivers… [almost shouting] we got three other lanes y’know! [distracted] Ahh! Look at the food billboards!

Sammy Okaaay. Um, what’s on your mind tonight buddy?

Finn Ah, just callin’ in to say hi… that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wooweee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I don’t think I heard you mention it… Uhh, I don’t think…

Ben Because we don’t, Finn.

Finn Spoooky stuff, fellas!

Sammy Yeeaah… I don’t know if you were–

Finn *howls loudly*

Ben I- I’m sorry. Yyou gotta keep your pup- quiet.

Finn [confused] Pup? No doggy here! Just you two fellas- and mee, rolling down the rooaad.

Sammy You don’t have a dog with you, Finn?

Finn Couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m allergic. [scratching]

Ben Are… are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that… were— dog?

Finn What?! I wouldn’t lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelin’ alright, Ben?

Sammy *laugh* He’s talkin’ about the dog you accidentally hit awhile back. Uh, y-you got out to check on it and the call dropped off?

Finn Uh… Naooo, wasn’t me. Y’know, I think I’d remember somethin’ like that! [honking in bg, sound of semi passing] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Can’t scratch, drive, and talk at the same time. Finish that tape, it’s givin’ me the willies!

Ben Stay awake and- stay safe, Finn… Make a doctor’s appointment!— maybe…

Sammy Or a vet…

Finn *chuckles* Oh, you two! I’ll catch you later. *loud howl*

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Now, Ben. You know- I love what you do on this show. I wouldn’t wanna do this with anybody-else… BUT. I’ve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations.

Ben [innocently] Did that happen? I’m so sorry, I just… I’m so interested in—

Sammy In doing everything but playing that tape. You got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through.

Ben Okay– [definitely not having fun] it was fun! but I think we should just forget about it.

Sammy Impossible.

Ben S-sit down, don’t—

[play click]

Lance [wind gusting] “There’s no doubt that something is, uh, keeping me away from the gate at this point. [siren song in bg] My- watch has just stopped working, so I don’t know what time it is. I can’t really see the sun from the thickest overhangs to tell… I checked my compass [sing-chanting in bg] to ensure I was… [rustling] WHAT THE?” [creepy sing-chanting intensifies]

Super Creepy Whisper Voice “TURRRN. BAAACK. NOOOW.”

Lance “My fu[bleep]ing compass- is literally spinning like a top! There’s EVIL in these woods! You can feel it- in the air! It’s palpable!”

[stop click]

Sammy Ben! Don’t be mad!

Ben [seriously upset] We shouldn’t be playing this! This isn’t a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authorities! I’m gonna google Missing Persons.

Sammy Look, I’m not against that. But let’s finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods.

Ben If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape?

Sammy Absolutely! Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives.

Ben *heavy sigh* The path, Lance is on, is called Stealth Ridge. It’s about a five-mile round-trip hike up north in- Perdition Wood.

Sammy You guys really know how to name things here.

Ben *deep breath* Okay, supposedly— as in, “legend-has-it” kind of talk, way off the beaten path— I mean WAY off, as in nobody’s ever seen it— is what he’s looking for. A cave called… [reluctant] “The Devil’s Doorstep”

Sammy Uh-huh.

Ben [agitated] Put two and two together here- Sammy! It’s an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people have went out looking for it! None have ever found it— SOME never return.

Sammy [softly] Have you been up there, Ben?

Ben Once…

Sammy And?

Ben Are you serious?! HELL NO, I haven’t been! I’m not crazy like Crocodile Dundee[1] on that tape.

Sammy I mean, he’s gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! [getting nervous] I-it could’ve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight! Right?

Ben This was fun for a minute, now it’s just massively creepy. Let’s move— [play click] SAMMY!

Sammy Du- you’re looking at me! I didn’t push the button!

[siren song]

Lance “It is so cold. [wind gusting] I’ve des-scended a great deal from the initial crest- of the ridge it seems … I saw what appeared to be—”

Super Creepy Whisper Voice “LAASST. WAARRNING. MORRTALLL.”

Ben TURN IT OFF!

[click of buttons being pressed on tape player]

[rustling/cracking in bg]

Lance “What the F[bleep] is that?!”

Sammy [sarcastically] Good job!

Ben Alright it won’t stop. Unplug it! I’m not kidding.

Sammy It is unplugged!

[creepy sing-chanting starts, chilling scream]

Lance *breathing hard* “It’s after me! … [calmer] Umm, I- I don’t know what that was. [song/chant continues in bg] I’m heading to the lip of this cove, here. I think I’m just gonna- wait it out- u-until morning. I’m wet, cold– I, uh, caught my jacket in the bush. I’m bleeding— Jesus… My, uh- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you and— [rustling/cracking]

Super Creepy Not-Whisper Voice MEEE!!!

Lance “No! [impact noise] Help me!!” [sound of running, anguished scream from Lance]

[sing-chanting continues]

[KFAM outro music]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Crocodile Dundee - Crocodile Dundee is a series of action comedy films centered around a crocodile hunter from the Australian Outback named Michael J. "Crocodile" Dundee.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 10: Medium Rare

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben welcome in studio guest, medium Miss Olivia DuPont, however a miscommunication of her talents brings up some painful memories that both Ben & Deputy Troy wish to forget.

[podcast intro music]

Sammy [agitated] I’m not gonna debate you ma’am, I’m just trying to say that gravity really isn’t something that’s up for discussion, sheesh.

Ben [amused] Don’t take it personally. Mrs. Bodenheimer told me in third grade that she didn’t believe in air.

Sammy …conditioning?

Ben Oh, no! Air. In general. She thought oxygen was a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists.

Sammy [disbelieving] Yet she was in charge of educating you and hundreds of other youngsters.

Ben College diploma goes a long way in a little town, buddy.

Sammy Alright, well up next we’ve got a pretty interesting visitor coming in studio with us.

Ben Hopefully so!

Sammy O— you don’t know her?

Ben I do not, but she sent us a ton of emails during the electrolocaust and said she was a big fan.

Sammy All of them say she has a special talent she’d like to share with us and the listeners

Ben Absolutely, and she’ll be coming up after a word from our sponsors.

[dramatic eerie music]

Announcer On the season premier of the nation’s number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. [theatrical crash] Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. [static]

Dan [echoing] They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tanner’s Taffy factory and it’s been abandoned since 1991. [static]

Announcer …or has it?

Dan There’s, uh— God there’s a lot of EVP activity around [walkie talkie sound] Larry, Larry I’d think you better go.

[theatrical crash]

Dan [walkie click] [hushed] Larry? Larry! [walkie click] Larry go!

Larry [creepy, ascending, violin-screech sound effects] [through walkie] I see the lights, man, I see it

Dan Larry move your ass!

Announcer It’s another can’t-miss episode from the show that doesn’t miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition

[News music]

NEWS ANCHOR Season premier, tonight at 9pm on King Falls Channel 13.

[KFAM theme]

Ben That is- ridiculous.

Sammy We’re live, Ben.

Ben I know! It doesn’t change the fact that “Mission Apparition” sucks as much as the channel that shows it.

Sammy It sounded pretty interesting to me.

Ben Dan and Larry from that show? wouldn’t know what to do in a haunted situation to save their lives. Stupid meters and light particles, [“stupid voice” imitation] “oh hey I know! let’s shoot some night vision so everything looks pretty scary and suspect!” Idiots.

Sammy You don’t have to get hot about it.

Ben Oh, I’m just fine, Sammy. I’m simply saying, Mission Apparition is a dumb show Made by dummies For dummies.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to direct all your hateful tweets to @kingfallsam and we’ll make sure Ben answers each and every one.

Ben Get at me twitter! #bringit

Sammy *laughs* On a different note, we have a guest in studio with us tonight. She is a self-professed medium—

Olivia [slight South African accent] Miss Olivia DuPont. Heh, see I knew it was coming.

Sammy [laughing] You’re good Miss DuPont. So Ben tells me you emailed us in hopes of coming on the show?

Olivia I was very eager to come visit my favourite late-night AM talk show and maybe help some people with some closure along the way.

Ben Thanks Miss DuPont, we are happy to have you.

Olivia Oh, please call me Golden Owl. *Who-whoo who-whoo!*

Sammy Ummm…

Olivia *Laughs* What a hoot and riot, you should have seen your face Sammy. Please, call me Olivia.

Ben Ha. S- soo… um, you aren’t from King Falls, is that correct?

Olivia That is, I live a few towns over. Up in Big Pine. That’s where my shop is as well.

Ben I love Big Pine! I- I used to go camping there as a kid! It’s beautiful and so laid-back.

Sammy Laid-back? I didn’t know it got slower then King Falls!

Ben You’ll have to excuse Shotgun Sammy here, he’s a Big City guy.

Sammy Anyway, so how did you find out that you had this talent, Olivia? That you were a medium.

Olivia Oh, from a very young age. My parents were veterinarians and we lived in an apartment above their office, so I used to hear- so many lost souls. Day in and day out.

Ben Lost souls? Wh-why were these people hanging out at the vets?

Olivia [confused] People?

Sammy I’m sorry, Olivia. Maybe we’ve got our wires crossed here. We were under the impression that you were a psychic.

Olivia [firmly] Medium. Psychics are low life charlatans.

Sammy I’m sorry, a medium.

Olivia A medium is someone whose 6th sense is so in tune, so aware, that a bridge is made to the other side, in which we can communicate with our loved ones.

Ben Uh, but- but again why were the souls of people hanging out at your parents’ vet office?

Olivia *scoffs* What does this have to do with people, Ben?

Sammy Okay, this bridge that you’ve-you’ve built to the other side. Is it not for people?

Olivia [laughing] Heaven’s no!

Ben I’m lost.

Olivia Well I’m- one of a kind, I get human interference from- time to time, you know [long-suffering] a mother looking to reconnect with her kids, a brother that died in the war. Ugh. I ignore that. This is about our deceased loved ones. The furry kind, or feathered! or what-have-you.

Ben Wait. You talk to dead pets?

Olivia Harsh, but not incorrect Ben.

Ben [growing slightly frantic]Oh, no, see I-I-I booked you so we could talk about your gift and take some calls from the listeners, but—

Olivia We can take calls Ben.

Sammy So, to be clear, you have contact with human spirits and you just toss them to the wayside to talk to Fido.

Olivia *laughs* Anyone can talk to deceased humans, Sammy, especially here in King Falls. This place is beaming with activity- even the two of you could do it if you tried. But nobody talks to our long-lost pets.

Ben I’m sorry, this isn’t what we were looking for Miss DuPont.

Olivia Golden Owl. Hoh, excuse me boys *loud sigh* this one is coming on strong! MMMOOooo MMMrrrr… Moo. *loud sigh* Sorry boys,[solemnly] that was- that was a rough one. Cassie the Cow was crying out. She lived in one of those factory farms and she- *deep breath* was using me to tell the world about her last days in the Cowschwitz[sic].

Sammy Okay folks, we’re sorry. Just give us a minute or two so we can uh… So we can get this—

Olivia I seeee… a dog? forgive me- AAAOOOoo AWAWWOOooo ARAwwo *growls*

Ben [Irritated] Okay, I think we’ve heard enough.

Olivia Wolfington?

Ben This is insane.

Sammy [seriously] Wait. What color is the dog?

Olivia Black— oh a little-bit of brown. He looks like— a lap dog perhaps? Uhh…

Sammy A terrier!

Olivia Oh, of course, I can see it nowww. He’s just wagging his tail, so happy, chasing his ball- Oh! Ooh, he’s mounting your Teddy Ruxpin bear[1].

Sammy That’s him! Oh my gosh!

Ben [incredulous] Wolfington the terrier? Come oonnn.

Sammy That’s my dog, Ben! He ran away when I was in grade school.

Olivia Woof! RUFF! Ruff-ruff-rUFF! Oh. He wants you to know that he’s fine Sammy, Wolfington had a good life. He isn’t mad that you only ever shared your veggies at the dinner table.

Sammy [entreating] Heh, it’s all I could do little buddy! my mom was always watchin’!

Ben Sammy?

Sammy Uh, *clears throat* I mean, y-you know that’s- that’s good, that’s real good Olivia. Uh, thank you.

Ben What is going on here?! Snap out if it, Sammy, this is obviously a con. Facebook info- or something.

Olivia I seee—  [whispered] what is it? Is it a bird?

Ben [mocking]Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Olivia Is it a tiny… monkey? No— no no, dig deeper. Marsupial!

Ben You aren’t buying this, right?

Olivia I feeel a- a naame… Serendipity?

Ben [shocked] What the Hell?

Sammy Ben, you alright over there?

Ben I’m- fine. Um. Go on, Golden Owl?

Olivia Is it a… sugar glider!

Ben It is! Serendipity the sugar glider! Oh man.

Sammy You can’t be serious, Ben. Your parents bought you an exotic animal and the best name you can come up with is “Serendipity”?

Ben [defensive] It came already named, man, and No, for the record? we found it. There was a travelling zoo that came through the Falls. And the day after, my friends and I found a box, down at the fairgrounds, and inside? there was little Serendipity, looking back up at us.

Olivia He said he’s sorry that he couldn’t stay. He wishes he did, that mean man with the badge- well, [softly] and you know how that goes.

Sammy Uh, how what goes? What happened?

Ben [upset] I don’t want to talk about it.

Olivia He forgives you Ben.

Ben [forcefully] Golden Owl I said I’m done! Let’s Take some callers.

Sammy Ben, I’m sorry, but this seems like—

Ben [distressed] Why don’t you pry your fingers- into the open wound- of my heart, and dig it all out, Sammy? Sweet Jack in the Box Jesus.

Sammy … You’re right, I-I’m sorry Ben. Well, King Falls you’ve heard Serendipity’s story, now let’s hear yours. 424-279-3858. We are live with pet medium, Olivia DuPont a—

Ben Did he live a good life? Olivia? W-was he happy, like Sammy’s puppy?

Olivia Do you not know?

Ben Know what?

Sammy I’m so confused here.

Olivia Serendipity was a bit of an outlaw. Sugar Gliders are illegal to posses in the tri-state region because of the ’72 Sugar Flu outbreak.

Sammy Seriously, okay guys, I just pulled up Sugar Gliders on the googs, adorable!

Ben They were still illegal. My mom tried calling the travelling zoo but to no avail. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want to keep Serendipity, I loved the little guy but, one of my backstabbing “friends” from school said something to Bodenheimer … I-I don’t want to talk about this.

Sammy They took him away?

Ben Mrs. Bodenheimer did. She took him to the office, and I never saw him again. She said she was going to make sure he got back to the zoo, di-di-did he, Golden Owl?

Olivia MMEEEEOOOOOWWW MEOOOWWW *hisses* Sorry, a calico is summoning me.

Ben Cut the crap! What’s this about the man with the badge?

Olivia [nervously] O- of course I’ve just heard this second-hand. Ben— I mean who’s to say exactly- what happened? It- you know, it’s from a different perspective then we can understand.

Ben What happened?

Olivia Serendipity- bit the man with the badge on the drive and- was tossed out the window. Into the river. Then- eventually down the falls. *chitters and hisses*

Ben That son of a bitch, w-wha-who’s name was on that badge?

Olivia It’s murky. Hard to grasp. Serendipity is jumping from nether tree to nether tree- Oh! Oh! I think I have it. [straining] G. U. N. Oh, I can’t see- D?

Ben [angrily] I knnnew it.

Olivia Take it with a grain of salt Ben- I mean, it’s just one version, from [laughingly] a marsupial no less.

Ben He was an awesome. possum. I-I gotta step outside for a minute [chair squeak].

Sammy While Ben takes a little break, let’s take a few callers.[door closing] Give us a call King Falls. Let’s talk about your dearly departed, uh, pets.

Olivia I’m ready.

Sammy Line 4, you’re live with Sammy and Miss Olivia DuPont.

Troy Gosh darn it, Sammy, I’m really sorry to hear about Ben’s little buddy.

Sammy I’m sure he’ll appreciate the kind words Troy, I’ll be sure to pass them on buddy .

[police radio can be heard faintly in bg]

Troy [solemn] I’ve got a confession to make that I ain’t proud of. I… I was the reason for the demise of little Serendipity. Such a sweet little fella. I just didn’t know he get taken away, y’know? For good.

Sammy Wait. You’re the reason Serendipity was taken away?

Troy Ah hells bells Sammy, I was the one that rolled over on Ben but— I didn’t mean for the little furry guy to get taken away! It was just a real kerfuffle on this end.

Sammy This explains so much.

Troy Me and Ben was best buddies coming up, Sammy. I didn’t want to tell on him, but little Serendipity got frisky one day at lunch and sh[bleep] on one of the teacher’s Mexican pizza. Tough ol’ Bodenheimer cornered me ‘cause she thought he was mine. Ben ain’t never gonna forgive me and that’s deserved.

[door closing]

Sammy That’s all in the past Troy. I’m sure- someday –

Ben Sorry about that guys. Some-someday what?

Sammy Oh, uh- y-you know- we-we’re just taking calls from listeners right now Ben. On the line we’ve got- Troy.

Troy [mournful] Hey Ben. Man I was listening to the program tonight, when I heard Miss DuPont pontificatin’ about the dead animals and su—

Ben [Hastily] Now’s not the time Troy, especially from you!

Troy I’m hurtin’ something awful about Serendipity, buddy. How many times do I have to apologize to make it right?

Ben Loose Lips Sink Ships, Troy, the ship of friendship. Have fun on the SS Backstabber. [click, dial tone] Line 1, you’re live on King Falls AM. Prepare your tissues.

Ron Boys, I won’t keep you long. This question is for, Golden Owl? is that right?

Olivia Yes.

Ron Before my question ma’am, you might want to work on that name. It might just be me, but it sounds like a sophisticated lemon party for birds.Not that I’m against that sort of thing. Sh[bleep] even last night—

Sammy Ron Begley, ladies and gents.

Ron Alright I get it, enough foreplay. Brass tacks Miss Owl, how does it work if you didn’t particularly own the pet, but you saw it as a kid, grew up near it, fed it, maybe had a puff the magic dragon relationship with it.

Ben He wants to know if you can tap into your unending source of pain and find Kingsie’s parents. Maybe tell us how they were, harpooned by Japanese tourists in front of Kingsie as a baby and made into sashimi.

Olivia Mr. Begley I’m not sure if that’s really in my wheelhouse, but perhaps if you introduce me to this Kingsie you’re referencing?

Ron Well hell yeah! How can I get a hold of you to make an appointment?

Sammy All of Miss DuPont’s information is on our website Ron, or you can check it out on twitter at—

Ron Yeah yeah, @, ampersand, hashtag, underscore, exclamation mark dot dot dot King Falls dot net. Shut your sweet little trap Sammy! I got it! I’ll be in touch soon Golden Owl. [mildly exasperated] But seriously, work on that name

[click, dial tone]

Ben Other than, re-breaking everyone’s hearts, Olivia— what do you get out of this?

Olivia I’m sorry for the troublesome story, Ben. Not all of them -hardly any of them- end so badly.

Ben So I’m just the lucky one.

Sammy Ben—

Ben I’m so glad to hear that not everyone’s pet got thrown out of a moving car and into Peace river and down the falls by Sheriff damn Gunderson. That’s the silver lining, right?

Olivia If it’s true.

Ben [skeptical] You get a lot of lying cats and dogs in your line of work, Olivia?

Olivia [awkwardly] Not— to my knowledge.

Ben He did it.

Sammy Okay, let’s not go making accusations it could have been any number of deputies, maybe even from a different county, I mean who can say?

Ben [insistent] It was Gunderson, I just know it. He literally damn near spelled it out! Ask him to spell out the rest, Olivia.

Olivia He saysss, *sigh* Golden Owl, your business license is up for renewal, so don’t rock the boat?

Ben BULL!

Sammy *clears throat* Olivia, we’re gonna take another phone call here in a minute. Perhaps, uh, before that you could give us a light-hearted example of a run in with someone’s, uh, expired creature.

Olivia Well, there was this one encounter with Bruce the Stingray.

Sammy [incredulously] A stingray. Now, what’s a dead stingray got to talk about?

Olivia Well, Steve Irwin[2] for one.

[KFAM outro]

[Credits]

REFERENCES:

[1] Teddy Ruxpin - Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children's toy in the form of a talking 'Illiop', a creature which looks like a bear. The creature's mouth and eyes move while "reading" stories played on an audio tape cassette deck built into its back.

[2] Steve Irwin - “The Crocodile Hunter” was an Australian zookeeper, television personality, wildlife expert, environmentalist and conservationist. Possibly best known for the show “The Crocodile Hunter” (1996–2007), an internationally broadcast wildlife documentary series, which he co-hosted with his wife Terri. They also co-owned and operated Australia Zoo, about 80 kilometres (50 mi) north of the Queensland state capital city of Brisbane. Steve died on September 4, 2006, after being pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Eight: Electrolocaust Now

View on Google Docs

Summary: August 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben have planned a tribute to King Falls AM's resident jazz legend Chet Sebastian, however an impromptu, and selective power failure, takes out most of the station's broadcast tools, leaving the boys to fend for themselves.

[podcast intro music]

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good evening, King Falls. You’re listening to 660 on the radio dial and I’ve gotta tell you, we’ve got a heck of a show this evening. We’re paying tribute to King Falls’ musical legend and Ben’s old boss, jazz maestro Chet Sebastian. We’ll be discussing [static/buzz] 40 years of— [sound of things powering down]

Ben [confused] What the hell?

Sammy Uh— W-what did I touch?

Ben I don’t think it was you. [sound of Ben getting up]

Sammy Sorry, ladies and gents. It seems we’re having a slight technical difficulty here. Uh- ye- hey, my computer’s down, Ben.

Ben Yeah mine too. Sammy, I don’t know if they can even hear us. We might be… out out.

Sammy *sigh* Well, okay then. Uh. We’re live and we’re winging it, folks!

Ben [smugly] Au contraire, my friend! You should know: I’ve got a backup plan. And a backup for the backup plan.

Sammy [incredulous] Uh-huh.

Ben Lemme just pull out- the- [rustling] trusty— smartphone, aaand— [dull clatter]

Sammy And?

Ben It’s off.

Sammy Well.*laugh/huff* Good thing you’ve got a backup for this.

Ben It’s… an expression. We’re, *anxious sigh* we’re flying blind, Sammy. Check your phone.

Sammy It’s, uh, it, it is off, uh, let me guess, the ghost—sorry, apparition—

Ben Thank you.

Sammy Of Marconi[1] just visited the station and just decided to start yanking wires.

Ben Maybe Merv forgot to pay the electric bill.

Sammy The lights, the mics, it’s not electricity, this is selective. [disgruntled] Uh, you know, but thanks for being so cheap and old, Merv, it may have spared 660 from the wrath of Skynet.

Ben Yeah, the board’s lit up and so are the phones. I, I don’t get it.

Sammy King Falls, have you gotten whacked by this random and seemingly mischievous power outage?? Uh, you, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear uh- wait, can they hear us?

Ben Good call. [sound of Ben getting up]

Sammy I, I don’t understand why some of this stuff is working and some of it is out! [slightly desperate] What are we doing, Ben? Y-y— [radio interference in bg] Now’s not the time to go rogue!

Ben [in bg] Radios are working, Sammy. [closer] We’re live.

Sammy *sigh* Well, you’re hearing our story right now, King Falls, let’s hear yours. If you’ve got a phone that’s- working, give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM—

Ben Can’t check the Twitter.

Sammy Damn it! *sigh* Let’s take a call, Ben.

Ben But- the- schedule!

Sammy Dude, what schedule?! The one locked in the computer that zoinked out, or the one that’s locked in our iPhone that won’t power up?

Ben [muttered]Damn your logic. Line one!

Sammy You’re live on the air with Sammy and Ben. Hope you’re well on this weird-ass evening.

Line 1 [slightly suggestively]Hey, Shotgun!

Sammy *exasperated sigh* Hey, man. What’s your name again?

Line 1 Not important! *chuckles* I-I jusht wanted to check in with my favorite AM radio hosht and tell you you’re coming in loud and clear on my end. Loud and clear! Ha ha! Haaa. [realizing] Am I on the air?

Ben You’re live, sir.

Sammy So how are things in your neck of the woods? Any technology issues? Things not powering up and on for you?

Line 1 Not a problem in the world, Shotgun, ha ha.

Ben Is he gonna keep calling you—

Line 1 Shotguuunn Shammyyyyy

Sammy *sigh* Was there anything in particular you needed?

CALLER That’sh it! Love the show. SHOTGUN SAMMYYY!!!!

[click, dial tone]

Ben [curiously] What did you do in your past life, Sammy?

Sammy [muttered] You don’t even want to know.

Ben *snickers* Line seven, good evening, you’re on King Falls AM.

Line 7 [guy sounds stoned] Hey Ben, hey Sammy, you dudes doing okay up there?

Sammy All things considered, we’re doing well! Uh, and who are we speaking with?

Doyle Ohh-h-h, this is Doyle. Doyle Bevins, out in Hollybrook Estates.

Ben Hey, Doyle. You having any issues with your computers? smartphone? what-have-you?

Doyle Oh, yeah! ‘Bout- ‘bout five minutes ago, all my toys just shut off. TV, ‘puter, phone. Sounded like a transformer just shut doowwwn.

Sammy Oh! So you had a transformer blow up by you! A- y- c— you know, could that have caused that way up here, Ben?

Ben I—

Doyle Oh, no, nothing like that! Like- like it was Bumblebee[2] powering down like a [gutteral] guchuchuhh aguchuchuhhh.

Sammy …Oh…

Ben Right. Regardless, Hollybrook is a good five miles outside of town. I don’t know if that would’a hit us.

Sammy Doyle, thanks for calling in and letting us know what’s going on with ya.

Doyle Oh, sure thing, bro, but. *chuckles* That’s not why I caallled.

Ben Oh! Uhhh, o-okay.

Sammy What’s on your mind tonight, Doyle?

Doyle Well, before all this new age funky-junk started, I was having some really crazy stuff going on here in the apartment.

Sammy Crazy stuff? Uh, wh-w-what kind of stuff?

Doyle Supernatural stuff.

Ben I’ve got nothing, I’ve never heard of anything going on in Hollybrook.

Doyle Ohohoh, it is in-sane, Ben. It’s like I’m living in some sorta Cybertronian spacecraft.

Sammy Cybertrone— I- I’m not familiar wi— Ben?

Ben It’s a Transformers reference. It’s not real.

Doyle Hey. It’s real, Ben.

Sammy Can you give us an example?

Ben Without referencing a Mike Bay movie.

Doyle Sure thing, bro. So, I’ve got this toaster, right?

Ben Mm-hmm?

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— BOOM! It’ll pop up the scariest damn thing you ever laid eyyes onn.

Sammy So it makes the noise like when the bread is done.

Doyle Ghost Toast, boyyys. It pops— but ain’t nothin’ there.

Ben Doyle… We’re gonna take another call.

Doyle Ohohoho! not good enough for you, Ben, not Spooky-Kooky enough, huh? I’ll do you one betterr.

Ben [dryly] You’d have to.

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— my fridge starts making this Scary hummin’ noise, like HUMMMUMUMUM—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUM HUMUMUMUM-HUHHH—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUMM HUUMMUMUHUH-UH-UH-KUH— *coughing* *clearing throat* You get it.

Sammy Doyle. Are you only experiencing this phenomenon with your appliances?

Doyle [impatiently] Ca- can I finish, Sammy? Is that- is that cool? Can I finish?

Sammy I’m sorry, of course.

Doyle Alright. So like I said, it’s just a hurmming so [quietly, sharing-a-secret-like] I sneak in the kitchen, all Vatican assassin-like. [louder] Sling open the door– ACRACKACHOW! – ain’t nothing happening, boys. Mayo and mustard just looking at me like they wanna hop on a sanndwich.

Sammy [“you’re crazy and i’m gonna go”] Alright, Doyle. We’re gonna take another call. Please be careful out there, with the appliances and such.

Doyle Hey, do y’all want me to make a video and send it? *scoff* Pft-Duh! Maybe the electronics are zapped so I can’t prove it, man! It’s a big old vicious circle, bros!

[click, dial tone]

Ben Dear God.

Sammy Take care, Doyle. *sigh* Line nine, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Creeper [creepy guy from episode 2 who calls to “listen to Sammy”]Long-time listener here!— Second-time caller.

Sammy [click, dial tone] Nope! Not tonight. I don’t want that. Let’s go ahead and take liiine…

Ben *pointedly clears throat*

Sammy Uh- yes, Ben?

Ben Huhhh, wel- ah- we- we- we need to- play an ad, Sammy.

Sammy Play an ad? You know the computers are off, right?

Ben Mhmm.

Sammy Don’t look at me like that! Don’t even think it!

Ben *whispers*God. [singing to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”] ♫Whenn- You’re- Hunngry and you know it come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy No.

Ben ♫If you’re starvin’ and it’s showin come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy Ben, please.

Ben ♫We’ve got waffles and cranapples–♫

Sammy Beenn!

Ben I’m just trying to make sure that the clients get their money’s worth?

Sammy I understand that, but you know what? there’s no better way to do that than talking about just how delicious Rose’s Diner can be. Personally, I’m one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Rose’s?

Ben Umm, well it’s a fact you just- can’t beat Rose’s fresh doughnuts.

Sammy And from what Troy has told us, they make a mean bagel as well!

Ben I’ve been going to Rose’s all my life? Never had a bad meal there, not one!

Sammy You know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation. So if you’re in the neighborhood, just passing through, or wanna feel at home away from home, stop by Rose’s Diner! Right off the interstate.

Ben Exit 44.

Sammy There you go.

Ben You’re good and I’m hungry. [quietly] Man, I could go for the signature pancake puppies.

Sammy Whatever stops that singin’.

Ben Okay, plea—I- I’ll have you know, Mr. Sheffield cast me as the lead in King Falls High School’s rendition of Grease.

Sammy Alright, Zuko[3], well let’s take some calls! Good evening, you’re on with—

CALLER [static/interference]

Ben TIM!

Sammy Ca-can you hear us, Tim?

Pete Sorry, sorry let me turn my radio down.

Sammy [quietly, disappointed] False alarm.

Ben What do you want, Pete?

Pete This isn’t Pete! My name isss… Escobar. And I wanted to tell you that this is the absolute worst broadcast in the history of radio. You two oughta be ashamed!

Sammy We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Pete.

Pete Escobar!

Ben I thought you weren’t ever listening to King Falls AM again, Pete.

Pete I’m not listening! I’m assuming.

Sammy Well you know what they say when you assume something, right, Pete?

Pete ES. CO. BARRRIBA!

Ben Don’t you have some mowing or clipping up to do at Beauregard’s manor?

Pete Racist! But you know dang well no one goes up there after sundown! Ese?

Ben So you admit your employer is a vampire. Hmm. Interesting.

Pete I didn’t say- I didn’t- I didn’t say that! I just don’t wanna whack a weed that ain’t a weed! Ben— start living right. All that scary stuff’s fryin’ yer brain.

Sammy Pete. Escobar. Do you have a reason for calling?

Pete Alright, pushy! Alright, you know what? I swear, I ain’t listening to you ever again, you brow-beating ruffians! Nunca! Nunca, now, I tell ya. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy It’s gonna be a long night.

[sound of electrical powering down]

Ben Look at the phone lines! We dropped all the calls. Li- line one? Hello? … You’re on with King Falls. Ugh, Nothing. We can’t fill four hours like this, Sammy.

Sammy I’ve got an idea! Gimme your keys, Ben.

[rustling]

Ben This can’t be good.

Sammy Be right back!

Ben Sammy!

[footsteps running away, door closing]

Ben [singing] ♫Strandeeed at the drive iin, braannded a foool♫[4]… Yeah, I still got it. Okay folks, just uhh— lemme just check to see if our regular phones are working, make a little call out. [muttering] What is this, a rotary phone? Sheesh!

[sound of a rotary phone being dialed, ringing]

Emily Hello?

Ben Hey, Emily, it’s Ben! H- I hope I didn’t wake you!

Emily Not at all, I’m listening. What’s going on with the show? and the electronics?

Ben I know, right? I- I just wanted to make sure you were *sniffs* Oh! uh, hey, we’re live, by the way.

Emily As live as can be, right?

Ben Right. *awkward laugh* But, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all the— weirdness happening tonight.

Emily I’m fine! Thanks for thinking of me. Good thing I’ve got a land line, I guess.

Ben [awkwardly] If you didn’t I would’ve had to, come over to check.

Emily Oh really? …That’s an interesting thought!

Ben Huh-h- mm- yeah. Y-you know, to- make sure that you’re safe and sound. Like a gentleman?

Emily Oh, of course.

Ben Oh! Uh, so, the other reason I called: um, in all your studies or research, do you ever recall any kind of electronic or- or electromagnetic pulses here in the Falls?

Emily Not to my knowledge. Obviously, I’ll dig more into this later today at the library, but it’s new I think. [door closing in bg] Lucky us!

Ben Lucky us.

[footsteps quickly coming closer]

Sammy Alright! what’d I miss?

Emily Hi, Sammy!

Sammy Hi, Emily! … Hope you’re doing alright tonight.

Ben Hey, I’ll, uh, call you later, okay?

Emily Sounds like a plan!

Ben Night! [click, dial tone] Don’t look at me like that, Sammy.

Sammy [clearly amused and judging Ben] Ah-I didn’t say a word. Crazy power outages and electrical malfunctions— do you call your mom first? Your brother? Nope! You call your local librarian, Emily Potter.

Ben So?

Sammy So it’s cute!

Ben Whatever. W-w-what are you up to over there?

Sammy Well, this is a record player, borrowed from Mr. Chet Sebastian’s office. This is not how we planned the evening, but, thank you, Chet!

Ben And?

Sammy Well, I figure since our fancy— new, high and mighty tech is out, then we’ll just have to bring back some old trusty, reliable stuff to pass the time.

Ben It’s a little telling that most of our broadcast equipment hasn’t gotten shut down.

Sammy Merv, take a note. Upgrade our WKRP radio shack so we can take a night off when everything goes belly-up, huh?

Ben Let me mic that thing up.

[sound of needle on record]

Sammy Alright ladies and gents, you’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. With me as always is my co-host Ben Arnold and this? This is a little Chet Sebastian jazz to help you through this weird-ass night. Thanks for being a legend, sir.

[jazz music plays]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Marconi - Guglielmo Giovanni Maria Marconi, 1st Marquis of Marconi FRSA was an Italian inventor and electrical engineer, known for his pioneering work on long-distance radio transmission, development of Marconi's law, and a radio telegraph system. He is credited as the inventor of radio.

[2] Bumblebee - designation B-127, is a fictional robot superhero in the many continuities in the Transformers franchise. One of the most well known characters from the Transformers.

[3] Zuko - Danny Zuko is the male lead from the popular movie Grease.

[4] “Stranded at the drive-in” - from “Alone at a Drive-In Movie”, one of Zuko’s songs in Grease

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 7: Major Tom to Ground Control

View on Google Docs

Summary: August 1, 2015 - The boys at King Falls AM receive a phone call from a familiar voice that sends the show, as well as the residents of King Falls, into an uproar.

[podcast intro music]

Sammy And thanks so much to Vernon from Vernon’s Vermin Vestibule for that thorough and intense interview.

Ben And those slides he brought in! I- I d- I didn’t need to see that.

Sammy You and me both, Ben. So, changing gears here, we’re just gonna take a quick pause for the cause. We’ll be right back to take your calls, King Falls. [quietly] (So much rhyming) — 424-279-3858.

[classical music]

Beauregard Ladies and gentlemen, I am Howard Ford Beauregard III, and I implore you, dare I say demand that you turn off this radio station post-haste. King Falls AM used to be a place you could trust your ears to. Wholesome, family-oriented, fair and balanced. Now it’s ran by dirty, lying filth mongerers[sic] spreading rumor and dissent throughout our peaceful community. Samuel Stevens and Benjamin Arnold should be proclaimed Public Enemy Number One. In all my years, all my family’s years in our idyllic town, I can’t recall anyone being allowed to disparage our good name so open and freely and till the fertile lands of distrust… Friends, please heed my advice and turn off this impurity. Let me save you from the mire and muck King Falls AM fills you with. Do yourself a favor. Go outside, breathe the fresh mountain air, go read a book! Perhaps an e-book! more so, the e-book “King of King Falls” by yours truly. Be well, compatriots!

End this transmission Celestia!

[KFAM theme]

Sammy You gotta be sh[bleep]ng me.

Ben I hate that guy but ads pay the bills, Sammy.

Sammy We’re not gonna have bills without a show, Ben!

Ben [light and disingenuous] You don’t think this has anything to do with him coming in the studio a few weeks back, do you?

Sammy [sarcastic and annoyed] Oh, of course not, whatever could have put that bee in his bonnet.

Ben I’m just saying maybe he hated us before we kicked him out of the studio and insinuated he was the Lord Vampire.

Sammy *sigh* Moving forward—

Ben Board is lit up, Sammy! Let’s take some calls. You’re live on King Falls AM

Caller [Definitely Pete Myers doing a very bad snooty voice] Samuel Stevens, Benjamin Arnold.

Sammy [muttered]Oh this is gonna be good— uh, you’re live.

Caller You two heathens can kiss my ass and this listener goodbye. Treating Mr. Beauregard like that! I will never listen to this filth again! [pronounced “a-gAYn”]

Ben [petulant] Go watch Channel 13 then! We don’t want you to listen!

Sammy [voice-of-reason]Ben, don’t take it personally. Obviously Beauregard is a… trusted personality in this town, and he’s- gonna have some sway with people, [harsher] but it’s funny we’ve not had one complaint in the two weeks since that crackpot was on the show.

Ben Power of media man, bringing out all these sheeple.

Sammy Alright, line eight, welcome to King Falls –

Line 8 Beauregard’s right, this is filth!

Sammy Okay, sir, what exactly is the issue with the show?

Line 8 You’re muckrakers! I don’t recall King Falls being so damn torn apart before you came into town, Sammy!

Sammy I’m just doing my job! I was hired to fill this time slot with news and information that—

Ben [cutting him off] Who is this?

Line 8 None a’ ya damn business, Ben!

Ben Pete Meyers? Come on, man!

Pete N- noo. Is not!

Ben Yeah, it is. W– Would you like to explain to everyone why Beauregard’s gardener is calling in?

Pete Don’t go working your voodoo on me, alright? I’m just statin’ my opinion. I’m never listening to 660 again. [quickly] King of King Falls, buy the ebook! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Folks, we’re open minded here on 660. We listen to you and talk about the things that you care about. I’m sorry if a vocal minority that we’ve offended but—

Ben Line four, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Tim [feedback] [audio broken and distorted] Is thIS King FaLls AM?

Sammy You’re live, sir.

[feedback]

Ben Whoa! Uh, the feedback! Uh tur- t-turn off your radio, sir.

[deep, unnatural thrumming behind feedback]

Sammy Ah, you know, I hate to do this, but that feedback is just too much. Give us a call back and—

Tim [worried, there’s a slight echo to his voice] DOn’- don’t hANg up. PleASE doN’t hang Up!

Sammy Who is this?

Tim I-it’s Tim- It’s Ti-TiM JE-Nsen?

Ben Tim! Where are you?!

Tim [feedback] He-EL-LO?

Sammy Tim, can you hear us? You’re on with Sammy and Ben. Are you okay?!

Tim I’m aLI-IVe. PLEase teLL mY wI-IFe thAT I –

Ben You’re breaking up, Tim. Uh where- where are you? We’ll come to get you right now—

Tim I’m okA-aY, plEaSe don’t StoP-P—

Sammy [hurried] Ben can you call—

Ben [on it] Troy’s on hold.

Tim TheY’Re- thEy’RE doIN— so M-Any oPEr-a-ATioNs O-n m-E. Please Help m-eE.

[sound starts, a high pitched buzz, growing in volume, like a racecar accelerating, this repeats for the rest of the call, louder each time]

Sammy Tell us where you are, Tim. We’ll send help immediately.

[buzz is louder than voices]

Ben Tim!

Tim I love my wife, Mary. I miss my kids… King Falls, please hELp mEEE!

[noise stops leaving just static]

Sammy [almost shouting] Tim! Tim, can you hear us?

[dial tone]

Ben [softly] He’s gone… Deputy Troy, you’re live.

Deputy Troy I heard him, fellas. Without a shadow of a doubt, that was Tim.

Sammy I- you know I d- I don’t know what to make of it, Troy, is there anything you can do?

Deputy Troy Ben texted me all the info he had on the call but— It ain’t making any sense. Has he called since, y’know, the uh, the disappearance?

Sammy Not to us I- you know, I just couldn’t make out a lot of what he was saying.

Ben Lot of interference from something. Or… someone.

Sammy He said Mary, right?

Ben You think we should—?

Sammy Oh God, no. God. We wouldn’t wanna put that poor lady on the spot with something like this. I mean she’s just been through so much already— [slightly desperate] I mean, that could have been anyone, right?

Ben That was Tim, Sammy.

Deputy Troy I wish there were something more we could do, boys, but- I don’t even know where to start. I was just listening to the show in Rose’s Diner and… I couldn’t believe it. [police radio can be heard faintly in the bg] Dollars to donuts, dispatch is gonna be lightin’ up tonight, boys. I’m gonna go finish my French cruller and make the rounds. I’ll catch you later, boys.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy [somberly] Line one, you’re on King Falls AM.

Cynthia Sammy? Ben?

Ben You got us, ma'am.

Cynthia Was that just Tim Jensen on the air?

Ben We… we believe it was. We- we don’t wanna cause an uproar here—

Sammy Per usual.

Ben But we have every reason to believe so. Uh d- do you have any information about Tim?

Cynthia I Do Not. I was calling to voice my concerns about him coming back from God-knows-where.

Ben Is this- Cynthia Higgenbaum?

Cynthia It’s Mrs. Higgenbaum to you, Ben, and thanks for broadcasting my info all over the tri-staate.

Sammy Cynthia, you say you have some concerns about Tim being found? Why?

Cynthia “Concerns” would be putting it mildly.

Sammy Okay, he’s a missing man, Cynthia. He’s been officially gone without a trace for over three months!

Cynthia Oh, don’t give me that “official line” of Horse Hockey! We all know Good and Well he got picked up by the lights off 72.

Sammy *exasperated chuckle* With all due respect—

Ben [cutting him off] He was abducted, Sammy. You know it, I know it, Cynthia knows it. The X-Files, this ain’t. They got him.

Sammy Okay, let’s just hold it together folks—

Ben But for goodness’ sake, Cynthia, why in the world would you have an issue if we finally found him?

Sammy I- you know, I’m just happy to hear that he’s alive. We all should be.

Cynthia Yeah yeah, he’s alive, hooray and such. But I’m gonna level with you boys.

Sammy [acerbic] Uh-huh.

Cynthia I Don’t Want Tim coming back into this community after gallivanting around the galaxy for three damn months with aliens or what-have-you. Who knows what kind of diseases he’s bringing back!?

Sammy Oh stop it!

Cynthia Martian Measles, Pluto Pox- who can say? I Don’t want my kids around that. Does Obamacare even cover Jupiter Jaundice? *scoffs* Doubtful!

Ben Cynthia, I think bringing Tim home safe and sound is of the utmost importance.

Cynthia Are you gonna pay my doctor bills? I didn’t think so.

Sammy Cynthia, we are talking about a man.

Cynthia We are talking about some weird sh[bleep]t Tim is bringing back, by golly! I know Tim. I worked with Tim for a few years, and he’s a nice enough guy! But he’s not nice enough to let his Ground Control to Major Tom[1] ass quarantine my babies at Area 51. Priorities!

Ben Sammy, Mary Jensen is on line five.

Sammy I’m sorry, Cynthia, we have to take this.

Cynthia Oh, good. I’m gonna go check my shelter and inventory my air filters. I suggest doing the same.

[click, dial tone]

Ben Mary Jensen.

Sammy Hi Mary, this is Sammy and Ben at King Falls AM?

Mary [morosely] Hi Sammy. Hi Ben.

Ben Mary have you… have you been listening to the broadcast tonight?

Mary I was. That’s why I called. Since Tim’s been gone I- *sigh* I don’t know which way is up. My sleep has been turned around, the kids…

Ben I’m sorry, Mary.

Mary [shakily, clearly trying not to cry] I wanna thank you two— Sammy and Ben- for all you’ve done during this ordeal.

Sammy We don’t have to get into that.

Mary No I-I think we do. I know that there are people that think that you two shouldn’t be on the air, but since Tim has been gone? You guys at the station have checked on me and the kids at least once a week. You’ve made donations. Ben even took the kids to the library last week so I could have time to myself!

Sammy [softly sarcastic] You’re a sweetheart, Ben, and to the library no less!

Ben [almost whispered] Don’t.

Mary [probably crying] I know you want Tim back in my arms almost as much as I do.

Sammy Mary, I wish we had more to tell you but you heard exactly what we did.

Mary I just thank- God— whomever is up there- that he’s still alive. He sounded okay right? [fearfully] Didn’t he sound okay?

Sammy He didn’t sound hurt.

Ben We appreciate the kind words, but- that can’t be what you called for.

Mary It wasn’t the only reason but um… make no mistake about this: the Jensens stand with you two. No matter what.

Sammy Thank you, Mary. I mean it’s obvious that Tim has reached out to us for a reason. You’ve told us in the past that he absolutely loved listening to Chet’s Jazz Corner and loved King Falls AM in general. Let’s hope he’s listening to you now, Mary. What would you like Tim to know?

Mary *sniffs* That, um- [tearfully] we’re okay, Tim. Please don’t worry about us. *sniff* And I- I know he will anyway but, we are okay. We are safe. We’re home, but *sniff* home isn’t home without you. I love you, Tim. *sniff* I know without a doubt that one day you’ll be back with us… I can’t wait for that day, but I will wait… [clearly struggling] Please be okay… Please be safe. *sniff*

Sammy Our thoughts are with you, Mary. And Tim.

Mary [choked up] My- my little one is up. Can she say something, Sammy?

Sammy Please, of course, by all means.

Mary [aside] Come on, sweetie, Daddy’s listening.

Bella Daddy?

Mary He called Mr. Ben and Mr. Sammy tonight.

Bella Daddy!

Sammy He’s listening right now. Tell him whatever you’d like.

Bella I love you. Please come home, I don’t want Mommy to cry anymore.

Mary Thank you Sammy… Ben… King Falls.

Sammy If you need anything, you just let us know.

Mary Yeah, of course. *small sob* Sorry, bye.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Tim— if you’re listening— godspeed.

Ben Sorry to interrupt, Sammy. Line twelve.

Sammy Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Riley Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.

Sammy [angrily] Hey, I wanna talk to you! I have got a bone to pick with you! Hello?

Riley Mayor, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Grisham Boys, boys, come on. Are we live?

Sammy Mayor Grisham, you have five seconds before this call self destructs.

Grisham It’s my understanding that Tim Jensen just reached out to you guys.

Ben [quickly] Five four three two—

Grisham I come in peace, guys! I’m sure you two will get everything you can regarding the call to Sheriff Gunderson’s office. I just wanted to say “thank you,” for being there for Tim— still in his time of need.

Sammy You have my curiosity, Mayor.

Ben Sammy, my horsesh[bleep]t radar is off the charts right now! It’s, it’s hitting Seabiscuit[2] levels.

Sammy Did you just bleep yourself?

Ben Yeah, I mean, come on, man. You want fines on top of trouble, too?

Grisham I’ll be as friendly as a pen pal, gents. I just wanted to speak to King Falls. That is, if you two will allow me.

Ben Horsesh[bleep]t radar is still solidly at “circus pony.” I- I don’t know if this is a good idea.

Sammy You know, you’re ridiculous. And generally I would agree, Ben, but this is for Tim. The floor is reluctantly all yours, Mayor.

Grisham *clears throat* Thank you… Ladies and gentlemen of King Falls and everyone listening to this broadcast, I just want to let you know we are doing all we can to bring Tim back home, safe and sound. We are working day and night to make sure his lovely daughter and his wife get to hug their father and husband again. I want to reiterate that if you have any information about Tim, his disappearance, or subsequently his call tonight for help, please do not take matters into your own hands. Please call the hotline set up at–

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] “Ground Control to Major Tom” - a well known line from David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”. Major Tom is a fictional astronaut who features in several of Bowie’s songs.

[2] Seabiscuit - Seabiscuit was a champion thoroughbred racehorse in the United States who became the top money winning racehorse up to the 1940s.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Six: King of King Falls

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 15, 2015 - In an effort to learn more about his new hometown, Sammy books an interview with author and King Falls historian, Howard Ford Beauregard III, however Ben questions Sammy's intentions as well as Beauregard's facts.

[Podcast intro music]

[jazzy church organ music]

Deacon Reggie Back by popula’ deman’ from tha Lawd On High, tha King Falls Stompin’ Out Tha Devil Revival will be extended two extra Sundays. Join us for a fi’th consecutive week as Reverend Xavier “Get Right With God!” Hawthorne leads the King Falls faithful, the most turnt up celebration of tha year! Come raise your haaands to the skyy an’ annoint the son o’ God! Tha Holy Spirit will be so strong, your granny bound to get ratched!

Reverend Hawthorne God is’a Good. God is’a GreaT-a. Satan is on your back because he likes ta haTe-a. Shake ‘im off for Jesus! Just shake him off! Before it is too late! Glory, Glory Hallelujah!

Deacon Reggie Come celebrate with the most highly favored congregation in town! Just outside the city limits, off’a Route 72 and MLK. (That’s Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Drive for those coming out o’ town.) [rushed disclaimer] King Falls Stompin’ Out the Devil Revival is a trademark of Right With God Productions, all use and reproductions must have written consent from Reverend Hawthorne, or the Lord above. To God be the Glory.

[KFAM intro music]

Ben [in bg] I don’t want to do this!

Sammy And we’re back! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial, and that was a perturbed Ben Arnold. We got a packed show for you this evening. We have a special guest, in the house—

Ben Sorry, folks!

Sammy What are you so fired up about, Ben?

Ben You know.

Sammy Well, our dear listeners don’t know, and we’ve got a few minutes before—

Ben B-before we talk to your guest.

Sammy Our guest.

Ben Oh, there’s no wa— I would never book that guy in a thousand years. He’s all yours.

Sammy [pleading] Ben.

Ben It’s just ridiculous! If you wanna make fun of me, do it off the air! This, is not cool.

Sammy I’m not making fun! Listen folks, I did a little research—

Ben On his own.

Sammy On my own, about King Falls history- and moreso, its history with the paranormal! So I go out of my way to book a guest that is an expert in this field!

Ben HOH! BULL!

Sammy And now Ben thinks I’m just messing with him when actually I’m just trying to get a better grasp on the supernatural phenomenon that happens in our beautiful town!

Ben [quickly] You never believe it when it happens on air, why would you bring- this guy in. You’re- you’re trying to break him. Which should be easy since he’s a—

Sammy I’m serious! I’m just trying to get a better understanding of what we’ve been dealing with the last few months, Ben. And this guy, our guest, has written a book about just that!

Ben It’s an e-book, Sammy. My mother can publish an e-book. He’s a whack job.

Sammy Why are you acting like he’s not sitting right in front of us?

Ben Oh, you’ll see.

Beauregard [HFB3 has a “High Class-Better Than You” drawl at all times] “Whack job”? You must be speaking of the 1957 3rd Street Massacre— or your journalistic career.

Sammy Uh, good evening sir. Thanks for making it down to the station tonight.

Beauregard [insincerely] Charmed.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being joined by- an author—

Ben [cutting in] E-book.

Sammy —and King Falls paranormal expert—

Ben Self-proclaimed.

Sammy —Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard.

Beauregard The third.

Sammy Of course. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. How are you doing this evening, Howard?

Beauregard Mr. Beauregard. And as the common folk call it: I’m swell.

Ben *clears throat* So, Mr. Beauretar[sic]—

Beauregard Is your man speaking to me, Mr. Stevens?

Sammy [confused] No— Man?… Ben?

Beauregard You shan’t be too careful these days.

Sammy So, Mr. Beauregard. How did you come to be an expert in the paranormal and supernatural aspects of King Falls?

Ben [sounds like someone whose point is about to be proved] This should be good!

Beauregard As well you know, my family settled this town of King Falls many many moons ago, so its lineage is pure and unfiltered through my veins. My family has witnessed it all and, of course, that has been passed to me and now, through my memoir, passed down to you.

Ben *laughs* Right.

Beauregard May you ask your manservant to please hold his tongue as the adults speak?

Sammy Excuse me?

Ben Sorry! Beauregard. A-also, uh, in this century, where we live, I’m the co-host of this show.

Beauregard [condescendingly] How splendid. Your mother must be co-proud of you. Mm?

Sammy Okay. To make a U-turn back to the original point, you were saying—

Beauregard Yes. We founded this city. We know every minute detail of its hellish existence. Especially when it comes to the oft spoken about ghouls, goblins, and extraordinary happenings we are known for.

Ben [offended] King Falls is a magnificent town. There is nothing “hellish” about it.

Beauregard You’re. Welcome.

Sammy So, it is true that one could say you are a self-proclaimed expert in these matters.

Beauregard The same one might say that you are a good radio host, but… doubtful.

Ben *exasperated sigh*

Sammy Alright let’s take some callers, shall we?

Beauregard [insincerely] What fun. I love hearing from the lowlies.

Ben [muttered]Jesus— Line 3.

Sammy Good evening, you’re on King Falls AM with Howard Ford—

Ron Yeah yeah, Sammy, let me just get right down to business. First off, am I live right now?

Ben Double live gonzo, Ron!

Sammy Ron Begley, from Begley’s Bait Shop, ladies and gentlemen. What’s goin’ on, sir?

Ron Howdy boys. [angrily] But seriously this message right here is for you so-and-sos that have been comin’ down to the lake, every damn night since this tournament, lookin’ to poach on Kingsie.

Sammy Wait a second. People are attacking Kingsie?

Ron They’re tryin’.

Ben Why?

Ron I assume it’s a bunch of hillbilly heroes tryna come serve up a side of podunk justice on our majestic lake creature for the John Doe. However, it’s a damn fact now that Kingsie, who wouldn’t hurt a damn fly, had f[bleep]kall to do with that body at the Bass Tourney. But these damn perpetrators need to listen and stop comin’ on my land and into the lake with malice in mind. Lake Hatchenhaw is a place of serenity, peace and fishing, you damn fools.

Ben [fiercely] Kingsie is a King Falls treasure.

Beauregard If I believed in lake lizards living in a water puddle I call a lake—

Ron I’m sorry? Just who the f[bleep]k are you, you hoity-toity—

Beauregard Aww, the salty tongue of the smartest man in the trailer park. I do not answer to your kind.

Ron [aggressively] Son, I could get from my lake house to the top of that mountain in about 22 minutes, so you best get your gazelles on and start putting pads to pavement. You pillow bitin’ son of a b[bleep].

[click, dial tone]

Ben Kingsie is a fact, Mr. Beauregard, unlike a great deal of what you have listed in your… “book.”

Beauregard I’ll bite. What is fiction in my memoir?

Ben Sammy? Please. [“let me tear this guy apart”]

Sammy [conceding] We’re all about the facts here on King Falls AM, Ben.

Ben [rapid and eager] Chapter 2, “Smokey and the Banshee.” Hate to break it to you? but there certainly isn’t an apparition driving a “ghostly Trans-Am through town square” late night every third Sunday.

Beauregard Says you.

Sammy Says facts.

Ben Chapter 5, “Bombing Range Road Rage” you mentioned General Abilene here, saying he goes out of his way to spook people on old Bombing Range Road.

Beauregard Your point? If you have one.

Ben Indeed I do! Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that the general is seen in Sweetzer Forest. Lights emanate from Bombing Range Road. Possible UFO activity. All of that unrelated to Abilene.

Beauregard [laughingly] Sweetzer Forest? Hah! Imbecile.

Ben [getting increasingly worked up again] And furthermore, what’s this baloney about there not being an ancient burial ground under where your family built its textile factory? And you know what? let’s just come out and say it: Why has no one in the town ever seen you in the daylight?

Beauregard We have gone on record! time and time again. There is not now nor has there… ever been an “ancient Indian burial ground.” There have been… no disturbances either. I will not tolerate any more of this tomfoolery. And furthermore! not that it’s any of your business, but as far as my complexion is concerned, I have… an aversion towards the sun! I tend to do my deals and business… in the night-time hours! You might even call me… nocturnal.

Sammy Riiight… Nocturnal. Okay. Moving forw—

Ben It’s a well known fact that your family bought that land at a steal. And it was so “reasonably priced”? because it was on the ancient burial ground of the Hatchenhaw Indians.That said, there are sightings all the time- hell, there are videos of the ghosts trying to scalp your employees during work!

Beauregard Hogwash!

Sammy Y’know, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, I think. Ben pulled up one of the YouTube videos a while back and- I’m usually skeptical but I saw—

Beauregard Graphics and special effects or what-have-you! I’ll have the two of you know I did not come on this show to be mocked. One more retort from you valley-dwellers and I’ll have you expelled from the city limits. Mayor Grisham is a close ally, so tread trepidously.[sic]

Ben Bring it.

Sammy Whoa whoa whoa! everybody, let’s just relax. This is a conversation, Mr. Beauregard. Ben here is our station’s foremost expert on King Falls history, sir. It just seems like maybe the facts and your book’s stories aren’t exactly jiving.

Beauregard Let me be quite clear, this is my last warning. If you speak ill of myself or my family one more time, I will crush you. Your livelihoods depend on this fact.

Sammy Come on.

Ben [sarcastically] Oh I’d never speak badly about your family. They had the good sense to die before you turned into this joke, bringing down their hard earned reputations.

Beauregard Fire this insolent manchild at once. He’s nothing more than Channel 13 leftovers.

Ben I… B-but I—

Beauregard Aww. Did I touch a nerve Benny? Dispute this fact to all five of your listeners. Channel 13- a respectable organization- rejected you not one, not two, but three separate occasions. You working class cretin.

Sammy [awkwardly] I think maybe we should wrap this up.

Ben No wait. Sammy, I’m gonna use a lifeline. Phone a friend?[1] and ruin this douche.

[phone ringing]

Emily [sleepily] Hello?

Ben Hi! Emily.

Emily [suddenly more awake] Ben? Everything okay? It’s pretty late.

Ben It’s- it’s okay now that you’re on the phone. *shy, awkward laugh* You’re live by the way.

Emily *giggles* Ben! Hi Sammy! Hi King Falls.

Ben The lovely and knowledgeable King Falls Librarian, Emily Potter, everyone.

Beauregard The library? They can’t even keep my memoir in stock. What do you think about that?

Sammy [quietly] I don’t think that’s how e-books work.

Ben Hey! Miss Potter is trying to speak, Beauregard? Emily, can you… shed some light on a certain topic for everyone out there listening? All five of them.

Emily Yes. Anything for you and Sammy.

Ben We have… Howard Beauregard on the phone.

Emily Funny enough, I just finished your book, Mr. Beauregard. “King of King Falls”?

Beauregard Alas, finally someone with good sense and better taste.

Ben I’m glad you brought that up, Emily! Can you fill the listeners in on the history of the King Falls Library- which, Mr. Beauregard discusses in chapter 15 of his e-book. Did you- find any… discrepancies?

Emily Sure, Ben. Well, Mr. Beauregard mentioned the library a few times in various stories. However, he stated that during World War Two? the secret apartment was built inside the library. However, it actually—

Beauregard Ahhh! The Hitler Suite! Yes, it was commissioned by Germany, October 7th, 1944 as a possible hiding place for their infamous leader, Theodore Waldorf von Hitler.

Sammy Adolf?

Beauregard Gesundheit.

Emily I’m sorry but the apartment was actually built when the library was, in 1912. I’ve seen the blueprints and everything. Funny story, it was actually used as—

Ben Y’know, Emily, maybe we should hear him out on this one. I can see a connection forming here.

Emily *giggles* Oh Ben, you’re so funny.

Beauregard Miss Potter.

Emily Yes, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard You are a simpleton of the highest order, and should not be tasked to watch over a magazine, much less a palace of learning such as the King Falls Library.

Ben You son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy Ben! It’s not worth it, calm down, he’s just an old nutcase!

Beauregard Of course the two of you are thick as thieves. I should have known I was in for an ambush in this rrramshackle radio station. You two lowlifes should be honored by my presence!

Sammy Beauregard, please take yourself and go honor the dust in your mansion. We’re done here.

Beauregard How dare you. Turn this radio broadcast off this instant! I demand it. I will not be treated like this!

Ben Go.

Sammy [aggressively] If you don’t leave, Mr. Beauregard, we’re gonna be forced to call the sheriff’s department

Beauregard Well there’s no need to wake my personal friend, Sheriff Gunderson, from his slumber. He’d only throw the book at you rapscallions anyway.

Ben Your e-book isn’t worth the paper it’s not printed on.

Beauregard [sound of a chair being shoved back] [voice getting quieter as he storms off] You merry fools! I can buy this radio station! Just to fire you! Mark my words!

Sammy We’ll be waiting on those pink slips! but until then, get out of our studio, please and thank you. Well then.

Ben I hate to say “I told you so” but…

Sammy I’m sorry Ben, *sad sigh* [increasingly mumbled] y’know I was just trying to understand this stuff a little bit better.

Ben [sincerely] I appreciate that.

Sammy Folks, we’re just going to take a quick break here to get back on track but let—

Emily [softly] Hey, Ben?

Ben Hello?

Sammy Oh! Line one is still engaged.

Emily Thank you for sticking up for me, Ben.

Ben Ah! I mean, any time! I mean you, uh, you're- you’re… welcome?

Sammy Ladies and gents, Ben has just invented a new shade of red from all this blushing. You know what? tweet me @KingFallsAM right now and I’m gonna post a pic.

Ben [hissed] Shut up, Sammy.

Emily Hey, Ben?

Ben Yeah? I’m here.

Emily I was just wondering… Well, I’ve- I’ve been wondering, um, maybe, uh- And you can- say no! if you want. But, would you, possibly, like to- go out? uh, maybe to Rose’s Diner this weekend?

Ben [voice cracking slightly] Yes. I mean… Sure- maybe- we could do, something, like that! I’ll- I’ll, I mean I do. I need to… *clears throat* check my schedule. But um—

Emily Okay then! I’ll- talk to you later! Goodnight, Ben.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Well I think—

Ben Don’t. [whispering] Let me savor this.

Sammy *chuckles* We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, kids.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Phone a friend- probably well known, but this is a reference to the show “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 5: Night of the Living Dread

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben learn of some breaking news regarding the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, but not everyone is as pleased as the broadcast duo.

[Podcast intro music]

Announcer Dear listeners, please note that the following program may contain views that do not reflect that of King Falls AM, its management, or its subsidiaries. Listener discretion is advised.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. I’m your host, Sammy Stevens, and as always we are joined by producer and co-host extraordinaire, Ben Arnold.

Ben [trying not to be amused] You’re so- you’re so happy, aren’t you? You’re a child. Getting so giddy over that message.

Sammy Listening to a warning before a radio broadcast I’m on has literally been on the bucket list for a long time. Thanks Merv!

Ben *laughter* Ridiculous. A glutton for punishment.

Sammy What can I say? I enjoy a nice game of hard ball! Uh, y’know, but enough about what Merv doesn’t want you to hear, let’s talk about what he does want you to hear. And what do we have cooking tonight, Ben?

Ben Dude, it’s stacked alright? Stacked. We’ve got the- lovely Miss Emily Potter from the King Falls Library giving us her picks for enlightened summer reading.

Sammy Terrific! We always love speaking with Emily!

Ben You and me both.

Sammy I said “we,” Ben.

Ben Uh, I know. I- *breathes in* [stilted] I- We-We-uh, We’ve got some really cool news! here. We-we are announcing the line-up for the first annual King Falls Ambient Music Festival. That’s coming up the second hour.

Sammy Wait a second. The King Falls Ambient Music Festival? Is this town even big enough for a festival?

Ben Oh yeah! It’s like Coachella[1] but for hipsters that just want to relax. It’s all about “setting the mood.”

Sammy You know, I’m wondering if they’re gonna make it to a second annual.

Ben And then, um, [reluctant and slipping into mumbling] opening up the show we-we’ve got the- doctor *mumbling*

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Ben, what was that? You’re trailing off, buddy.

Ben We have that umm, *sniffs, lets out breath* one… guy. You know that- fo- w- talking about that *deep breath* one thing—

Sammy [trying to cut him off] Ben—

Ben —from a month ago or so—?

Sammy What? What are you talking about?

Ben You know— May- maybe we should start it with Uh, callers first! [mildly frantic] Just-uh-Give us a call at 424-279-3858 and let’s talk about… *tsk* anything! Let’s uh, whats your-whats your-whats-whats on your mind King Falls?

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, put down your phones for a second. What Ben is trying to say is we’ve got a scoop here this evening on King Falls AM. We’re gonna be speaking with—

Ben [cutting Sammy off]Or you can tweet us! @kingfallsam. I-I-I will literally talk about anything right now. Even to Mr. Derschwitz about that weird toenail thing. Let-lets-lets go, people!

Sammy I thought we agreed—

Ben I know. Sammy, I’m sorry it’s just, [slightly more frantic] I’m-I’m not feelin’ the best here. Alright? my stomach, is all… knotted up, just thinking about this.

Sammy That is journalism. That feeling is journalism—

Ben [speaking over Sammy] I think it might actually be an ulcer! It Tastes, like Fear and Feels, like Cancer . It’s way more than anxiety. I-I’m gonna call Dr. Raúl, at break.

Sammy He’s a chiropractor!

Ben Maybe he can refer me?

Sammy Power through it, buddy! Look at this folks, we got somebody dialing into the hotline right now! You ready for this Ben? Come on.

Ben Please, be Reverend Hawthorne so we can talk about the Revival next month.

Sammy Oh stop it. You know he isn’t even scheduled!

Ben I just thought— maybe that’s how prayers work, I don’t know, I’m not a reverend!

Sammy King Falls AM, you’re on the air.

Dr. Rosenblum [Dr. Rosenblum’s voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times] Good evening, this is Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum, with the, King Falls County Coroner’s Office.

Ben C-can I please just say—

Sammy Dr. Rosenblum, it is a pleasure to speak with you this evening.

Rosenblum Excited to be here, Sammy. Ecstatic even. We listen on slow nights.

Ben That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.

Sammy Much appreciated, Doc. Now, as fate would have it, you were the overseeing physician working on the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, is that correct?

Ben Doc? Can you just, hold on for- one- moment- please?

Rosenblum Of course, Ben I—

Sammy Don’t start, Ben! We agreed to see this through.

Ben All I’m saying i- lemme finish- a- i-is that maybe it’s not our place *deep breath* to break this kind of news.

Sammy Fine. You know what? You’re right! Let’s just give this to our friends down at Channel 13 and let them be the ones to alert the public about this.

Ben [journalist voice] Doc, Ben Arnold. Tell us about cracking open the mystery body.

Sammy [quietly] Oh.

Rosenblum It’s true that I was the operating physician on that particular John Doe, y-es, irrefutablyy

Sammy Now, as I understand, your official report was released yesterday morning, doctor, but amazingly enough, not one publication or news station in our town- including King Falls AM- reported on it.

Rosenblum You are correct. Busy news day- one would assume.

Ben So, that means, you are— free to talk about it on air.

Rosenblum I would be elated

Sammy First and foremost on everyone’s minds: were there any signs of, uh, y’know, the lake mo- *sighs* I can’t.

Ben Did Kingsie make the body, bite the big one?

Rosenblum There was no evidence that a creature large or small had anything to do with the deceased.

Ben *sigh of relief* That- I knew Kingsie didn’t have it in her.

Sammy Now, Dr. Rosenblum, can you tell us if there was any foul play involved at all?

Rosenblum During our first autopsy we were not able to distinguish with certainty the cause of death. But there were no signs of foul play

Sammy I’m sorry, did you say “first” autopsy?

Ben [confused] Is that normal? Did you- find out the cause of death during the… second autopsy?

Rosenblum Indeed. It was six individual gunshot wounds to the victim’s head. Three shots to the temporal lobe, two to the mendulla oblongata—

Sammy What?! Six gunshot wounds?!

Rosenblum To the cranium, yes. One to the frontal lobe, another to—

Ben So the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe was, murdered?

Sammy I can’t believe this! This is big! Why didn’t one news outlet report this thing yesterday?!

Rosenblum Well, the cause of death was inconclusive and with no signs of foul play, it was not exactly a juicy story.

Ben and Sammy Wait a second.

Rosenblum …yes?

Sammy I’m sorry, doc. I’m not in the medical orrr criminal fields but, how is six gunshots not foul play?

Rosenblum Well, that was between the first autopsy and the second. The gunshots were self-defense administered via Deputy Kreighauser at my behest.

Sammy Ben, we’re gonna wanna get Troy on the phone and see what he’s got to say about this.

Ben “Things Ben Arnold would never think under ordinary circumstances for 800, Alex.”[2]

Sammy Doc, while we’re getting Deputy Troy on the line, would you mind if we took a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors?

Rosenblum That’s just- Dandy.

[light bg music]

Greg Frickard After a long day’s work or a tough day’s play, you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well that’s where we come in! Here at Granny Frickard’s, we know that the less time you spend doing the things you don’t like, is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickard’s French-fried farm-fresh never-frozen filleted-and-fricasseed fried-and-flambeed frog legs. Mm-mm-mm. So get on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery at the corner of Main Street and 7th Avenue. We’ll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy And we’re back on King Falls AM, here with King Falls County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum.

Rosenblum A Pleasure.

Sammy Do you have Troy, Ben?

Ben He’s booking one of the Williams boys for mooning. He’ll call us in a few.

Sammy I’m a little out of sorts here, doc. Can you explain what happened between the first inconclusive autopsy and the point where Troy filled the cadaver full of lead.

Rosenblum Of course. As I was finishing the initial post-mortem, it came to my attention that the deceased began to emit a hissing sound, fluctuating between the lower thorax and the larynx.

Ben Oh my God.

Rosenblum I called for Deputy Kreighauser and he entered, as I wanted someone else to see this- phenomenon. That’s when the John Doe began a slight, thrashing about the upper torso.

Ben Um… are you saying—

Rosenblum The deputy began to fumble for his sidearm while we both discerned that something was wildly- amiss. The deceased opened its eyes and instantly grabbed for the lapel of my lab coat with voracious tenacity.

Ben Wh- ah- go on.

Rosenblum It gnashed its teeth as I emitted a terrified, albeit, high pitched, scream. And that’s when Troy unholstered his sidearm and administered six lethal shots to the reanimated corpse’s cranium.

Ben A zombie.

Sammy Alright, is there- [fumbling] Let’s just say- is there-

Ben We’ve got Troy on the line.

Deputy Troy [in bg] I don’t care if he was only joshin’. You can’t show your G-D derriere out in public! [car door slams] [pleasantly] Hey boys, what’s goin’ on tonight?

Sammy You tell us, Troy, holy geez! Uh, we’ve got Dr. Rosenblum on the line here and—

Deputy Troy Is this about the zombie?

Ben Yes! So-so you’re confirming this story, Troy?

Deputy Troy Well, hell yeah I’m confirming! I had to do three hours of damn paper work from unloadin’ my pistola into a corpse! Sheriff Gunderson was not the happiest of campers.

Ben [excited and awed] This is amazing… This is unprecedented .

Sammy [skeptical] This is a little unbelievable, Troy.

Rosenblum It is a first in my profession. Believe you me. [still tonelessly] Wowzers.

Deputy Troy Honest engine[3] boys. I capped the all get out of that thing! It had the doc by the face ‘bout to start chewing!

Rosenblum You’re my hero, Deputy Troy.

Deputy Troy Shucks, wasn’t nothin’ special.

Ben [slightly sullen] Except killing the first instance of a zombie in King Falls since—

Sammy Don’t say “since”.

Ben … Well… Since that one time at the mall in the '80s.

Sammy No, that’s not a real thing, Ben. That’s a film.

Ben [worked up] Sammy? How many extraordinary things are gonna have to SLAP you right in the face to make you buy into this? KING FALLS, MAN.

Deputy Troy You know me, Sammy. I always shoot ya straight. But it was the craziest sh[bleep]t I’ve ever seen. I mean it was like my-ex-wife-needs-alimony-money crazy.

Ben See? Even Barney Fife[4] saw it.

Sammy *sighs* I just—

Rosenblum I don’t want to cause an uproar here, but since that exam, there have been, other cases.

Ben Of frickin’ zombies?

Rosenblum Of reanimation among corpses… yes.

Deputy Troy Doc, you just give me a call if you need. I’m more than happy to go Clint Eastwood if the situation arises.

Rosenblum Will do, Deputy. Thank you so much for your- assistance. Without you, there may not have been this- interview.

Deputy Troy [proud] To protect and serve.

Sammy I can’t take all this in right now, Dr. Rosenblum I- e- Thank you so much for your insightful information.

Rosenblum As they say, [still monotone] “you got it, duude.”

[click, dial tone]

Ben You okay, Sammy? You… don’t look so well.

Deputy Troy Ah, hell, boys.[siren whoop] I gotta go. I’ll call you back later tonight! One of the Williams boys is tryin’ ta saw through the bars outside the jailhouse? [sirens in bg] [through megaphone] Jacob Williams put your hands UP and the file DOWN.

[click, dial tone]

Ben Alright King Falls, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear yours. Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what the doctor spoke of? Reanimation? The walking—

Sammy Don’t.

Ben You know what I mean. Give us a call or tweet us.

Sammy Looks like the board is lighting up!

Ben Um…

Sammy What’s up? Okay, it can’t be any crazier than what we just heard, Ben.

Ben Line One, Sammy.

Sammy Welcome to King Falls AM, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [female, almost sounds automated] Good evening, Sammy—

Sammy Do I know you ma'am?

Riley — please hold for Mayor Grisham.

Ben He… Probably just wants us to— mark these tapes as, evidence. *nervous laugh* Right, Sammy?

Sammy Or burn them.

Riley Sammy Stevens, Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor?

Mayor Grisham Sammy… Ben.

Sammy You’re on live on King Falls AM, sir.

Mayor Grisham [commanding] Take me off and go to break. We need to chat.

Sammy No can do. Ben says we aren’t scheduled for break for another- uh- at least ten minutes.

Mayor Grisham Ben. Cut. To. Commercial.

Ben Uh- uh- uh- the thing is- I- I- I can’t- do that. Sir.

Mayor Grisham [threateningly pleasant] You boys want to talk live on air? We can talk live on air.

Sammy [challenging] Nothin’ to hide on this end of the phone, Mayor Grisham.

Mayor Grisham I hear your snide remarks, Sammy. I’ve read the transcripts.

Sammy Which! let’s be honest, is pretty weird. We’re a late night AM talk show, why are you bothering with us?

Mayor Grisham Oh, I don’t bother with you. I try to keep up to date with all the local news and entertainment. I gotta say, I was really happy a big city radio guy decided to come play host at our little radio station.

Sammy Well, I’m more than happy to—

Mayor Grisham I wasn’t finished… But I have to say, I’m a little less than thrilled with [accusingly] all the excitement you brought with you.

Sammy I’d hardly call reporting the news “excitement”, sir—

Mayor Grisham It’s interesting to me that I don’t see Channel 13 breaking these crazy stories.

Ben [quickly] No offense, your honor, but those idiots don’t know their a[bleep]holes from their elbows.

Mayor Grisham And you boys being on site when these “events” happen? [softly, still accusing] It’s a little bit of a coincidence don’t you think?

Sammy Are you insinuating that we are staging these events, Mayor?

Mayor Grisham I’m stating facts. I’m sure your ratings are way, way up there since all these sensational events seem to coincide with your broadcast. Why do you think that is? Furthermore, I mean who’s up listening to you at this ungodly hour of the night?!

Sammy Seemingly most of the town, Sir. As well as whomever you’ve hired to keep an ear on us.

Mayor Grisham I’ve tried to be nice about this… And I tried to be civil… but I think it’s about time that you troublemakers changed formats. No more of this funny business. It’s not good for the listeners. It’s not good for the residents. And honestly? it’s not good for me. I don’t appreciated being painted in this light, gentlemen.

Sammy Oh! You mean the light where you as a public service,[sic] try to quell the voice of the people.

Ben It’s not your right to tell us what we can and can’t report on, sir. All due respect.

Mayor Grisham [rudely] All due respect, Ben Arnold. Just a couple of months ago you were digging up old records on eBay for Chet Sebastian to run on about. Now you’re a media star?? That’s worrisome! Seems you fellas have All the reasons in the world to fabricate these issues, and I have to say I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this, while you LIE TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF KING FALLS.

Sammy Well, when we start “fabricating” and “making things up,” you can come throw the book at us. But until then- [click, dial tone] Whoops! Looks like you just got disconnected. I’d wait for you to give us a call back and all, but with it not being an election year I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

Ben Line One iiis lit up again, Sammy.

Sammy [insincerely] Oh, sorry about that Mayor! I must have fabricated accidentally dumping your call when-

Esther Rollens [heavy metal music in bg] [voice old and wavering] Did you boys fund a lavender ball of yarn in there? Been looking for it all week! [click, dial tone]

Ben [shaken] Sammy, I think that commercial might do us some good right now.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Coachella - The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly called Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Coachella Valley in the Colorado Desert.

[2] Reference to the TV game show Jeopardy!

[3] I honestly can’t tell if he’s saying “honest engine” or “honest injun” but i’mma go with the one that’s technically incorrect but also not super racist.

[4] Barney Fife - Deputy from the Andy Griffith Show. Calling a police officer or authority figure "Barney Fife" has become an American slang term for gross ineptitude or overzealousness.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Four: Wolves Gone Wild

View in Google Docs

Summary: June 15, 2015 - With Sammy & Ben in contention over a forced apology regarding the Bass Tournament, a full moon causes all hell to break loose on the outskirts of King Falls.

[Podcast intro music]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Ben Top of the hour here on King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. And we’re live here on this crisp, King Falls evening. It’s a full moon, and you know what that means, so be careful out there. It’s four AM, on the dot, and as per instructed by Merv, the station manager, who we will be—

Sammy [agitated] You’re really gonna play that.

Ben [sarcastically] Oh look who’s talking again, everybody! Sammy Stevens, ladies and gents.

Sammy Very funny, Ben. You know, we’ve played this apology enough. let’s just get back on track, how ‘bout it?

Ben Gotta do it.

[radio static as recording begins]

Sammy Hello, this is Sammy Stevens and I’m sitting here with Ben Arnold, your co-host of King Falls AM.

[record scratch]

Sammy No! We aren’t doing this, Ben.

Ben Sammy! I’m gonna have to file a report if we don’t play this apology at the top of every hour.

Sammy Write it up!

Ben I don’t want to!

Sammy Then don’t.

Ben Sammy— can we talk about this? Folks, uh, we’re just gonna take a quick break for—

Sammy No break, no apology, you wanna play that tape?

Ben No, but we have to!

Sammy Fine. You know what? We’ll do this one live, kids, and *angry laugh/huff* boy are you in for a treat.

Ben I don’t know, I—

Sammy [mildly outraged] So there’s a note, on the board, when we came in. We’re to record an apology to you, the dear listeners and residents of King Falls—

Ben Merv simply asked that we apologize for… creating a controversy at the 55th annual—

Sammy We talk about the news here. Relevant subjects that affect this town. What we don’t do- *angry laughing* What we would never do, is apologize for trying to cover a breaking news story! A dead body at a public event that King Falls AM is covering is News.

Ben Maybe Mayor Grisham went a little overboard kicking us out- I’m not saying he didn’t, but—

Sammy [outrage continues] If I owned this station! If I owned the station? I’d go after him. I mean, why isn’t Merv mad at Grisham. Why is this on us? [softer] Have you even met Merv, Ben?

Ben Yes— I mean… not in person, but— Look, we have a show to keep on track: in a few minutes we’ll be speaking with both of the winners of the 55th annual Bass Tournament—

Sammy How ‘bout this. How ‘bout we open up the phone lines and talk about how the good Mayor Grisham is strongarming the media—

[static]

Announcer This Sunday evening, at 7PM, we say goodbye to longtime host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollens, the way she would’ve wanted us to.

Esther [old, wavering voice] Talkin’ about life, talkin’ about love, and crochetin’ a mean doily while we’re at it!

Announcer While we will all miss Esther’s sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, we’ll miss Esther even more.

Esther We’ll darn your socks, and maybe even darn your men to heck, while we’re at it.

Announcer We’ll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Corner’s illustrious twenty-four year run. As well as a live music tribute from Esther’s favourite band.

[heavy metal music] ♪WAKE UP. YOU’LL SEE.♪

Esther Ohh, I just love these boys! All possible states. [heavy metal music fades out] Always remember: bad times never last. But badasses certainly do! We’ll see you soon, King Falls!

Announcer Hopefully not too soon, Esther. 7PM, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Falls’ most bitchin’ granny.

[heavy metal music resumes] ♪*SCREAMING* I WILL NEVER REESST. UNTIL I WALK IN THE SUNSET. BURN ME UP IN FLAAMES.♪

[heavy metal fades out]

Ben I didn’t cut you off, Sammy!

Sammy Real mature, Ben.

Ben You were looking right at me, I didn’t even touch the board! And you know Esther Rollens was slated for 4:32 AM! I’d never.

Sammy [sarcastically] Oh, oh, okay, it must’ve been General Abilene, right?

Ben You know he’s in Sweetzer Fore- Sheesh. Can’t you just take some calls? You’re killing me. Line 6!

Cecil Sheffield [Cecil’s voice is old and slurred] Benjamin Arnold! Mr. Sheffield here! Why’re you on- the radio?

Ben [muttered] Crap. Bass Tournament winners were scheduled for two minutes ago. I-I’m gonna call the other—

Sammy Oh! So we can talk about the tournament, we just can’t talk about the dead body.

Ben Sammy.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Cecil Sheffield to the show, uh, co-winner of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tourney.

Ben It’s great to have you. Mr. Sheffield.

Cecil It’ss good to be taalkin’ to you fellas too! Benn, how’re yer grades holdin’ up this year?

Ben Uhh, I- *confused laugh* I- I graduated uh- already. Sev-several years ago—

Cecil No more late papers thiss semester, Mr. Arrnold.

Sammy Yeah, Ben! No more late papers!

Ben *deep breath* For those of you who don’t know: Mr. Sheffield was my history teacher at King Falls High School. [embarrassed and tense] Shouldn’t he be retired by now?

Cecil [singing] ♫Riiiiiising miidst the goooolden orrrange, graaandly iiin tooo th— bluuuee, reeeeeaches our dear aaaaalma maater—♫

Sammy *clapping sarcastically* There ya have it folks! Mr. Cecil Sheffield, winner of this year’s King Falls Idol.

Cecil Go Faaallls! I rreally lovve talkin’ t’ you guuys.

Ben [awkwardly] And we… love talking to you.

Sammy How ‘bout we talk about the big win at the tournament, huh? You split the grand prize, $500 and a bass boat, is that correct?

Cecil Ohh it was awwesome. Staandin’ up there at the podium with ma’ good friend Herrschel! I’m happy t’ shaare the prriize wi’ such a great man! I haven’ gotten a channce to uuse the new booat- uhh… yet—

Ben Aaand, we’ve got Herschel Baumgartner!

Sammy Sorry to cut you off, Cecil. Herschel, you’re live on King Fal-

Herschel [angry as always] You usurpin’, unsportsmanlike, son of a b[bleep]h filth! I know all you were colludin’ against me this year. It’s a conspiracy!

Sammy I’m sorry, what now, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel You know exactly what I’m talkin’ about, Big City.

Ben We actually don’t, Mr. Baumgartner.

Herschel Don’t mouth off to me, you conspirin’ little bag of d[bleep]ks!

Sammy Hey! Hey, hey, Herschel! No one is conspiring against anybody here! You should be happy right now, this is what, your fourth time winning the tournament? Granted, let’s be honest, a cadaver should probably give this one an asterisk.

Ben [eagerly] 1989,1992, and now back-to-back titles in 2014 and 2015. You’re the first ever to have four titles!

Herschel [hesitantly] W-wellll, when you put it like that, I guess. I never thought o’ it that way. I was just so red-faced about someone pokin’ a hole in the bottom of my boat right after I caught my last fish. Old Cecil wouldn’t’ve come close if some boobstain hadn’t’a messed with my damn boat!

Ben Kingsie got ya!

Herschel [mocking] It wasn’t Kingsie; that serpenty little b[bleep]h!

Cecil Iss that Herrschel? Hooww ya doin’ buddy? I’miss ya. Why dontcha answer when I calll?

Herschel [back to angry] Cecil! You cheatin’ dog pecker! I’d know-what-it was you who sunk my battleship! You couldn’t stand to have me win all by myself this year you limp-d[bleep]ked drunkard!

Ben Ooh-[worried]Haah! We’re gonna have to ask you. to watch your language. Mr. Baumgartner.

Herschel Now you listen here, you motherf[bleep]—

[dial tone]

Sammy Hello?

Ben Sorry Sammy. Merv’s already not happy, let’s not have the FCC[1]join him?

Sammy You know, you’re gettin’ real good with that dump button trigger finger tonight, Ben.

Ben I told you I didn’t dump you! Herschel, yes, but not you.

Sammy Y- *huff/laugh* You were so right about this full moon tonight, Ben.

Ben [mumbled] This is a nightmare.

Sammy [seriously] Hey. I’m sorry. Okay? I shouldn’t have gotten so fired up.

Ben You and Herschel both- You know how hard I work on this schedule? Don’t… puppy dog eye me, Sammy.

Sammy Hey, I’m just tryin’ to ice this apology cake, buddy.

Ben … 6:20, you buy me a stack of pancakes, at Rose’s Diner, and… we’ll call it even.

Sammy Sounds like a plan. So you’ve heard our story King Falls, now let’s hear—

Ben Good grief, we’ve got line 2, he’s in a panic.

Sammy Aren’t we all? You’re on the air with Sammy and Ben, what can we—

Line 2 [overly dramatic] No time for pleasantries- I need the law!

[small dogs barking in bg throughout call]

Ben Sir, uh, 911 is probably your best bet.

Sammy Or maybe tweet Troy and hashtag “KingFalls911” [half-muttered] I dunno.

Line 2 You silly Sallys. I’ve already called, the deputy is on the way. But I’m havin’ a terrible night, and I don’t appreciate the two of you makin’ it worse!

Ben Wait, is this- Archie Simmons?

Archie [sing-song] The one and onlyy.

Ben Is there something wrong out at the Pomchi Palace?

Sammy Pomchi? What the hell is a “pomchi”?

Archie Oh my gawd, read a book Sammy.

Ben It’s a dog— breed, half pomeranian, half chihuahua.

Sammy Oh! So Archie’s a professional dog breeder.

Archie Best bitches in the tri-state area!

Ben [flatly] That’s their motto.

Archie [softly aside, cooing] That’s a good baby, Daddy loves you! What’s that? That angry, mean werewolf violated you? Don’t you worry, Daddy will make. him. pay.

Sammy Did he just say “werewolf?”

Archie You betchyer bottom dollar I did!

Sammy Ben, I- I can’t.

Ben T-tell us what’s going on, Archie.

Archie Well, I live offa Route-72, damn near out of town. It’s usually nice and quiet [muttering](except for those damn trashy rednecks in their trailer park every damn Saturday night!)

Ben Buuut, tonight, it’s not nice and quiet?

Archie Hell no! I woke up to the most godawful squawlin’. I mean it sounded like a freight train hit a barrel a’ screamin’ billygoats. Half a step below a damn eight f[bleep] bottle rocket.

Ben That is vivid!

Sammy [being a smart-aleck] Dare I say, was it a half-man, half-wolf?

Ben [unimpressed] Good job, Sammy.

Sammy [quietly] Please don’t encourage this.

Archie It was so terrible a noise, I thought I might’a dreamed it. But then I heard it again!

Sammy Go on.

Archie So I threw on my slippers, and I went runnin’ towards the back of the house— an’ I’m scared, because I just paid— well, I paid a bundle for a couple’a these new pomchi bitches? So I’m worried that maybe Rufus (that’s my labradoodle)—

Sammy Labradoodl—?

Ben [quickly] Labrador-poodle mix.

Archie Damnit, Google it fellas and keep up. I’m worried that Rufus is maybe snuck in the backyard and roughed up the new pomchis? So I rushed toward the back and Rufus is in the Florida Room— just a-growlin’ mind you— so it wasn’t him. So I burst open the back door, and what do I see??

Ben What-ahh… wh-wh-what did you see?

Archie [increasingly distressed I see a half-man, half-dog, bent over hunchin’ the hell out of my twenty-four-hundred-dollar Princess Von Barktooth!

Ben Not Princess Von Barktooth!

Sammy Okay, so you run outside in your slippers, and you see some skeezy pervert, and he’s got your dog—

Archie In the biblical sense! But the maaan was A. Werewolf.

Sammy Are we really talkin’ about wolf-man werewolves, here? *laughs* I’m sorry Ben—

Archie You shouldn’ be sorryin’ to Beeen! He’s not the one who’s been sodomized by a damn man-wolf! And now I gotta stay up all night watchin’ the princess and dealin’ with the law! Lord knows I’m worried that this leads to long term emotional distress, or, worse. [distraught] An’ we can just throw out winnin’ the Westminster trophy!![2] That was not in our five year plAN!!!

Ben I have to. What- Was the five year plan?

Archie [soft and rushed] Princess Von Barktooth was supposed to fall in love with another purebred pomchi, who sweeps her off her feet, holds open all the doggy doors for her, shares all his treats. *giggles* [to the dog] Isn’t that right lil princess?

Sammy [derisively] This is just silly. I mean it was obviously just a creep with serious issues, not a mythical—

Archie Are you callin’ me a liar? I saw that abomination with my own two baby blues.

Ben S-Sammy likes to look at these paranormal events from all angles, Archie.

Archie Well the angle that I saw it at was a G-D crime against humanity and dogmanity alike! The beast man looked at me, evil in his eyes, and desire in his heart, tossed my princess like a ragdoll, howled at the moon like the wretched demon that he is and scampered off!!

Ben Ar-Archie have- have you had issues with the werewolves before?

Archie Oh-my-gosh, who hasn’t? Ol’ Dylan hillbilly Baxter used to pepper buckshot those chicken-thievin’ shapeshiftin’ sons-of-bitches!

Sammy Brass tacks[3] here; Is Princess Von Barktooth okay?

Archie Needless to saayy, we are more than a bit shaken by this turn of events.

Sammy Have you looked into silver bullets? eBay? Amazon Prime?

Archie You come out here the next full moon you sassy Sally and I’ll show you more werewolves than you can shake a d[bleep]k at… Aw, I just heard Deputy Troy pull up, I gotta go, boys. [click]

[dial tone]

Ben Th-thanks for letting all of us know that there’s been some activity on the wolf front, Archie.

Sam This is just too much. Look, stay safe, Archie, listening public. I’m not saying that there’s werewolves on the loose—

Ben There are.

Sammy *laugh/huff* Ben. Everyone stay safe. There’s definitely something in the air tonight.

Ben Oh no. Sammy *heavy breath* Can you take Line One?

Sammy Do I even want to ask?

Finn [panicked] Sammy?! Ben?! It’s bad! It’s real bad, y’ know?!

Sammy Are you alright, Finn?

Finn [still strained and panicked] I-I didn’t.. even see him comin’! Musta run head-long through the truck on my blind side!

Sammy Who did? What’s going on?

Ben Finn hit a dog, off Route 72.

Sammy You’re f[bleep]king kidding.

Finn [distraught, almost crying] This poor little guy! I feel so bad, y’know? [less scared, more nervous] Actually. He’s not that little.

Ben Finn, are you still in your truck?

Finn Oh yeah, but I stopped it when I hit the fella… I’ma shakin’ somethin’ awful here.

Sammy [“not” worried] I think you should start the truck up, and just keep on movin’.

Finn … I think he’s still alive! I’m goin’ out to do the right thing an’ check this out, Sammy.

Ben Sammy’s right. Keep—

Finn I’m outside the truck! Headin’ back towards the pooch!

Sammy Get back in the truck, Finn! [quietly aside] Uh, you know, because it could be a- a coyote or something, n-not a were- you know.

Finn Oh my. This poor fella don’t look too good. This looks— Whoa now!

Ben Move your maple lovin’ ass, Finn!

Finn It’s two-leg runnin’ at me boys! What the f[bleep]k!

Sammy Finn? Finn?!

[sounds of a struggle, garbled words, then howling]

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] FCC - The Federal Communications Commission is an independent agency of the United States government that regulates communications by radio, television, wire, satellite, and cable across the United States.

[2] Westminster trophy - The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is an all-breed conformation show that has been hosted in New York City annually since 1877.

[3] Brass tacks - n. details of immediate practical importance —usually used in the phrase “get down to brass tacks”

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release

View on Google Docs

Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.

[Podcast intro music]

[Banjo music]

Randy McMullet [heavy southern accent] Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holdin’ anything back ‘cause it’s that time of year again! It’s our annual Snake Skin Blowout! I’m talkin’ ‘bout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and ol’ Bombin’ Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savin’s!

[Banjo music fades out]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good morning! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. It’s twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.

Ben We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.

Sammy Ben! I couldn’t have said that better myself, you’re a natural!

Ben [“aw shucks”] Whatever, Sammy.

Sammy But you heard it, kids! The tournament’s about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.

Ben And, of course, don’t forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.

Sammy Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep on you! We’ve got a guest!

Ben We’re here with Ron Begley, of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of today’s outing.

[note: Ron’s voice can generally be described as “gruff”, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]

Ron [gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering. 

Sammy Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!

Ron [sweetly] Nice meetin’ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.

Sammy Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell ‘em to change their minds?

Ron Ah hell, if they aren’t here now, they ain’t coming.

Ben Metaphorically though—

Ron [harshly] Don’t use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards aren’t up an’ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ain’t no convincing them otherwise.

Sammy Well, you know what- We’ve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?

Ron [aggressively] I’ll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyder’s fat ass at this lake right now!

Ben Uhhh, I’m sure-

Ron I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasn’t drug his carcass outta bed.

Sammy Hidey-hole?

Ben Don’t ask.

Ron You want something that’ll put some asses in the seats? I’ll give you somethin’ and this one’s for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,

Ben Aaand?

Ron [teasing] And you know where I’m going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats… We had a sighting!

Ben By the BOATS? That is so close.

Sammy Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?

Ben Sammy—

Ron Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!

Sammy Monster.

Ron Why the hell didn’t you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!

Sammy Alright, *chuckles* I’m sorry. Uhhh, I don’t mean to be rude, Ron, but you’re talking about your own version of the Loch—

Ron Don’t. Say it. Don’t even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothin’ on Kingsie.

Ben You’ll have to pardon Sammy. He doesn’t believe in the extra-ordinary.

Ron [softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.

Ben So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?

Ron [happy/proud] Fifth this year! She’s been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I don’t know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.

Sammy Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck don’t get you down— Kingsie will.

Ron That’s the spirit!

Sammy *chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?

Ron Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixin’s and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!

Ron More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you don’t end up as a “fictional lake monster”’s din-din.

Ben *sighs* I’d love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!

Sammy Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!

Ron [quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?

Sammy Uh, I-I’m sorry, what?

Ben Ron, not. At all.

Ron [threateningly] I’m not going to come on this show, and have you talkin’ trash. I’m the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and I’m not going to take any flack about it—

Sammy Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didn’t even know.

Ron [angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]in’ and I like fightin’ and I’m completely sure you don’t want any part of either!

Sammy I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I mean—

Ron [pleasantly] I’m just jerkin’ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!

Ben *Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!

Sammy Thanks, Ben. Uh—

Some Guy *Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?

Ben Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. We’re-we’re kinda live here, buddy.

Matt Riiight on! … maintain brah…

Ben Sorry.

Sammy Oh, no worries, bro.

Ben Uh, uh- alright folks! You’ll never believe who we’ve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power… Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!

Mayor Grisham Oh, I’ve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just can’t drag myself out of the bed.

Sammy Understandable.

Mayor Grisham However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like you’re doing a great job. The both of you.

Ben Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!

Mayor Grisham You got it, Ben! Hey, how’s your mom doing these days?

Ben Great! She’ll be thrilled that you mentioned her!

Mayor Grisham Least I can do.

Sammy Now, Mayor Grisham, you’re joining us today because in just a few short minutes we’re gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament—

Mayor Grisham Absolutely! It’s one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?

Sammy So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?

Mayor Grisham *chuckles* I wouldn’t want to put the King Falls residents to shame! I’m quite an avid outdoorsman.

Sammy Well, it’s nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.

Mayor Grisham Oh yeah.

Sammy Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood —

Mayor Grisham Then don’t.

Sammy Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regarding…

Mayor Grisham Sammy. Another time and another place.

Sammy Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, we—

Mayor Grisham That’s all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and we’ll schedule something soon, Sam.

Sammy [confused and irritated] Heh… Okaay?

Ben What is he- he- can’t- we’re supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.

Sammy *unamused laugh* It’s fine, Ben, uh- it’s not your fault.

Ben Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!

Sammy Hey, hey. It’s okay.

Ben [worked up] I’m going to fix this. Uh- I got it!

Sammy Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems it’s just you and me now, uh, and the mayor’s assistant, recording our every word.

Voice in distance Shotgun Sammy!

Sammy *groans* Okay, so we’re about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, we’d like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviousl—

Ben I got it! I got it! I’m back!

Sammy Oh, Ben’s back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!

Ben Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last year’s tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know it’s about to start, right boys?

Sammy So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?

Herschel Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ‘92, and ‘89 as well. But don’t go askin’ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse me—

Sammy Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookin’ for big number four this morning!

Herschel [sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. We’re T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you don’t have anything pressing…

Ben Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important part—

Herschel [suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpin’ so-and-so-

Ben No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*

Herschel You’re going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy [warning] Hey now!

Herschel Don’t you dad-voice me, son. I’ll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said “dubya-dubya two”]

Sammy [harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.

Herschel [grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ain’t givin’ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks o’ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]

[woman screams in bg]

Ben Was… that a scream?

Sammy [laughing dismissively] I’m sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartner’s lovely personality.

Ben I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.

Sammy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. We’re about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-

[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells “There’s a body in the lake!” followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]

Sammy Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!

Ben [incredulously] We’re going there?

Sammy Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.

Ben *huffs* Right.

[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]

Ben-at-a-distance Tweet us!

[screaming continues]

Sammy Alright, we’re on the dock. [aside] if we could just push past— There’s the mayor! Right there!

Deputy Troy [through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!

Ben [quiet,worried] What if it’s Tim?

Sammy Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body here—

Deputy Troy [still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I don’t want to, but the Mayor’s going to cut—

[audio cuts to static]

[KFAM outtro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Two: That Book Is Overdue, President Lincoln!

View in Google Docs

[Podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham [”sincere” politician voice] Stay vigilant, but most importantly: stay hopeful. And Tim, wherever you may be, just know that your friends, family, and everyone in King Falls is looking forward to your eventual, and safe return.

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good evening, I’m Sammy Stevens and you’re listening to 660 on the AM dial. Welcome to King Falls AM. I’m here with Ben Arnold-

Ben Again?

Sammy Yes, again, Ben! Uh my producer-slash-cohost, emphasis on cohost. Uh, that voice we just heard from was Mayor Grisham, of course, speaking out about the recent disappearance of Tim Jenson.

Ben If you or anyone you know has any information about Tim’s disappearance, we urge you to reach out to the King Falls Sheriff Department.

Sammy Now, on a lighter note, we’ve got a big show tonight, folks. We’ve got an interview with Emily Potter, who will be telling us all about the grand re-opening of the King Falls Library in just a few short days.

Ben [dully] Plus, a call from Doctor Raúl, later in the hour.

Sammy I can hear the excitement in your voice, Ben. You’ve got your Gunnin’-for-Network-News Underoos on today.

Ben Any network but Channel 13, Sammy! [quieter but with feeling] They can suck it.

Sammy Now, before we bring in the lovely Miss Potter, we’re going to—

Ben [dubious and laughing] Is she lovely?

Sammy Well, I mean, I haven’t met her, but I assume she’s a lovely person. Small-town librarian and all.

Ben Lovely— personality? Gotcha.

Sammy *slight laugh* It counts.

Ben That’s what they say.

Sammy So, okay. Before we bring in Miss Potter—

Ben Couldn’t help but notice you didn’t use any adjectives that time.

Sammy Ben, is there something on your mind?

Ben Not at all. It’s just that, our old librarian, Mrs.Kilpatrick, was not what you’d call a lovelyyy… *pff* anything. Lady got her scholarship in war-torn Nazi Germany, so I’m a bit apprehensive to call anyone running the town bookshack “lovely.” Can I just say? for the record? that Mrs. Kilpatrick used to place the “learn-to-draw” books in the reference section? [getting worked up] If anything, they were self-help books, and if a kid wants to check one out- learn how to draw Droopy the damn Dog- then maybe, they, should let him.

Sammy *chuckle* You’re not wrong, Ben, but maybe—

Ben [still worked up] I haven’t told this to anyone ever, but when I was a kid, [slightly quieter like sharing a secret] I was walkin’ down the aisles, and I saw that old whisper-Nazi put “Mein Kampf” in the children’s section, and she—

Sammy [cuts Ben off] Maybe! we can ask Miss Potter her opinions on the King Falls Hitler youth, uh, as well as opening up the phone lines to you, dear listeners, right after this commercial break.

[jaunty, polka-esque music]

Ernie [New York accent] ‘ey, I’m Ernie. Maybe your car your truck ain’t runnin’ so good. Maybe you thinkin’ you need a new one! I’m ‘ere to tell youse, that ain’t always the case. Maybe all you need is bring your car your truck down to Ernie’s Mufflers! Maybe you ask yourself, “ERnie, whateveR Do You mEan?” What I mean is: bring your car down to Ernie’s Mufflers. We’ll have a trained and/or certified technician check on all your whosies, your whatsies, and maybe get you and your car your truck feelin’ good again.

[music stops]

Announcer Ernie’s Mufflers! Come on down and ask about our King Falls AM discount.

[KFAM theme]

Sammy Welcome back folks, and thanks for tuning in to King Falls AM. Sitting in the studio with us this evening is— can I say lovely now, Ben?

Ben [awestruck] Stunning.

Sammy Is the lovely Miss Emily Potter. She’s here to talk more about the town’s library’s Grand Re-opening later this week, is that correct?

Emily It is! Aand thank you for having me on, Sammy, and Ben! I’ve been listening to you every night!

Ben [still awed] Beautiful.

Sammy Well, we certainly appreciate it. Now- if you don’t mind, catch me up to speed on why our fair town’s library was closed in the first place.

Ben [murmured]Gorgeous.

Sammy [softly prompting] Ben?

Ben *gasps* Hey! Sammy.

Emily Well, the library was closed due to renovation. It’s an older building, and—

Ben  [fast tour-guide-voice] Built by Francois Swindle, 1912. Largest brick-and-mortar structure in King Falls until 1918 when City Hall was built.

Emily Oh my gosh! you are exactly right, Ben! So smart.

Sammy Y’know, I’ve driven past it. It is a magnificent building, uh- So they’re just replacing some older fixtures, and what-have-you.

Emily Oh no, the top floor of the library was set on fire.

Sammy I’m sorry, purposely? Wh-who tries to burn down a library?

Emily Unfortunately that mystery is yet to be solved, but not for lack of trying. Sheriff Gunderson and Deputy Troy have been hard at work these past few months. Though, I think the bigger problem was the disappearance of Mrs. Kilpatrick.

Sammy [hold-up-now voice] Wait a second. The library was set ablaze. The old librarian, Miss Kilpatrick—

Ben God rest her soul.

Sammy -has disappeared. What is going on here? I mean, a-are there any leads? Y’know, other than Ben?

Ben [nervously] Hah! Good one, Sammy! *nervous laugh* What a kidder! I’m no-I’m not- I’m not sure why you’d say that, at this time.

Sammy Two words. Book. Shack. Uh, but- but I mean, seriously, folks. How many people are missing in this town?

Ben *clears throat* Emily- uh, c-can I call you Emily?

Emily Please do!

Ben Ca-can you tell the listeners anything that might- help shed some light on these subjects?

Emily Well, for weeks leading up to the fire, Mrs. Kilpatrick had been having… visions.

Sammy [skeptical] Visions.

Emily Yes. To the point where upper management had been talking about retirement. [hesitantly] I… I don’t know if we should be talking about this, with the investigation ongoing and all.

Sammy I think—

Ben [overly earnest] Maybe it could help, Emily- your words, your magnificent words, could be our best- last chance at saving- dear Mrs. Kilpatrick.

Emily [she sounds like a smile] You’re right, Benny.

Sammy Um…

Emily The vision she had was by the checkout desk? At first it was a shadowy figure carrying a book. Upon closer inspection— she realized it was actually [timidly] President Lincoln, who, she believed, was trying to check out a book.

Sammy [very skeptically] President- Abraham Lincoln.

Ben [mocking] Sixteenth president of the United States, geeeez Sammy, catch up, will ya?

Emily This went on every night at closing for close to a week. Until the second vision appeared.

Ben Go on.

Emily She watched from the second floor as President Lincoln brought the book to the front desk.

Sammy [clearly not buying it] Just by chance, uh, what book does a deceased president of the United States try to check out?

Ben “Twelve Years a Slave”, duhh.

Sammy Alright, too easy, Ben. How ‘bout, uh, “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.”

Emily I don’t think-

Ben I like it, but I think Lincoln is probably more of a “Who Moved My Cheese?[1]” type.

Emily Privacy and all— I-I couldn’t say even if I wanted to.

Ben Yeah Sammy, privacy and all!

Sammy [sarcastic chagrin] Of course. Library-patient privilege, gotcha. So, please continue, Miss Potter.

Emily So, she watched from afar, quietly putting away the periodicals. Then, she felt a wind rush past her to the ledge. That’s, when she saawww—

Sammy What did she see?

Emily A vision of John Wilkes-Booth. Peering over the ledge, watching the president as he waited for a librarian that never came.

Ben Fascinating.

Sammy Okay—

Ben Oh here comes Mr. Skeptic- [aside] he didn’t believe in General Abilene— Lemme guess Sammy, you don’t believe in Presidents of the United States either? The Great Emancipator.

Sammy [peeved] Oh Ben, will you stop it. I’m just wary- that a ghost of—

Ben and Emily Vision.

Sammy Right. Eh- That a vision of President Lincoln and his assassin would be wandering the halls of King Falls Public Library, that’s all.

Emily I understand your reticence to believe in the visions, Sammy. I thought the same thing. But, as I’m sure as Ben can attest, Mrs. Kilpatrick wasn’t one to—

Ben If she said she saw it? She saw it.

Sammy So, she has visions. Um, what does that have to do with the fire?

Emily Well- Mrs. Kilpatrick actually lived in a small apartment in the library.

Sammy In the library?! Ugh, that might be creepier than the visions.

Emily She complained to management about the noises, the visits. Apparently, there were arguments—

Sammy Arguments? Between Lincoln and Booth?

Ben So they were keeping Old Lady Kilpatrick awake at night.

Sammy And, y’know, then Kilpatrick gets fed up. Uh, there’s no Peter Venkman[2] to call, so she does what she can do and sets the place on fire?

Emily Well, I don’t know if Mrs. Kilpatrick would’ve done that.

Ben All due respect? Oh, she would have!

Sammy [glibly] I think it’s cut and dry, actually, you know? Maybe we should call Deputy Troy and solve this cold case.

Ben Well, what do you think happened, Emily?

Emily I have to assume that Booth did what he could to get to the president again. Unofficially, of course. Ah— god, we- we shouldn’t even talk about this with the investigation and all.

Sammy Alright, well, that said, we’re gonna open up the phone lines now. We’re talkin’ about the library opening back up later this week, uh, after some difficulties; maybe you’ve got a question for Emily!

Ben Maybe you’ve seen the visions in the library as well, we-we’d love to hear about that.

Sammy Or that too. Uh, You’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours. 424-279-3858.

Ben Or tweet us @KingFallsAM. Line 12, uh, wouldn’t give a name.

Sammy You’re on King Falls AM.

Line 12 Yeah, I’ve got a question for Emily.

Emily Hi!

Line 12 So let’s say that… my friend checked out a book last year, and- due to the fire and the closing- wasn’t able to return it on time. Are overdue charges being forgiven?

Emily If you couldn’t return it due to our renovation, then, I’m sure we can overlook it.

Line 12 Cool!

Sammy Thanks for the question.

Line 12 Wait! I’ve got another question for Emily!

Emily Oh! Okay?

Line 12 Are you seeing anybod–

[click, dial tone]

Ben Next caller! Uh, we’ve got line 4, Cynthia.

Sammy Hello Cynthia, you’re on the air.

Cynthia [Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent “I want to speak to your manager” voice] From what I gathered on this interview as well as the news report that Channel 13 ran—

Ben *snickers* You shouldn’t listen to them, Cynthia.

Cynthia Excuse me Ben! Excuse me!

Sammy Cynthia—

Cynthia From what I’m gathering, the library- if you wanna call it that- is a Despot of Desolation. Arson? Check. “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Check. Presidential assassins? Cheeeck!

Emily Cynthia, I believe—

Cynthia What are you, twelve? And you’re running the show? Could we at least get an adult to watch over that Den of Depravity?

Sammy Cynthia, I think we could probably argue that the worst of the library’s problems are behind it.

Ben This is a new chapter in its history! *stutters* Did you see what I did there, Emily?

Emily *laughs* You’re so funny!

Cynthia Oh my god. Hose those two down, Sammy. It’s unbearable.

Sammy Cynthia, did you have a question regarding the library?

Cynthia Yes. My boys are ten and six. Does the revamped library have a kids’ corner?

Emily It most certainly does!

Cynthia [snooty] Are you overseeing it?

Emily Yes I am!

Cynthia *scoffs* [click]

[dial tone]

Ben Weee’ve got line 8, Sammy.

Sammy King Falls AM.

Line 8 Hey King Falls. Long-time listener. First-time caller.

Ben Long time?

Sammy Uh- The station appreciates the patrionage.[sic]

Line 8 I don’t listen to the station really, I- [low, “seductive” tone] I listen to you.

[click, dial tone]

Emily Oh.

Sammy Okaaay.

Ben Yikes. Uh, try 14, Sammy.

Sammy Good evening, welcome to the show.

Line 14 [shaky, old-woman voice] I saw the president.

Ben Oh! Another sighting!

Sammy Ma’am, are we talking about President Lincoln at King Falls Library? or President Obama on Fox News type’a thing?

Line 14 Lincoln.

Ben [triumphantly] Hoh!

Emily Mrs. Kilpatrick?

Probably Mrs. Kilpatrick I saw him! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Well terrific, I mean, I didn’t need to sleep tonight anyways, it’s fine.

Ben Uh, one more before commercial. We- we’ve got Greg, line 1.

Sammy Greg, do ya have a question for us?

Greg [def. Line 12 from earlier]  Yes, this question is for Emily? If a man, such as- my friend- wanted to court you, would you be availabl—

Ben [click, dial tone]  Pay some bills, Sammy.

Sammy Emily, thank you so much for being here with us tonight- enlightening us with the tales of the library.

Emily Oh it was my pleasure. I just want all the listeners to know that, while we can’t wish the visions away? they more than likely will stay away from us in crowds, so please come join me for the re-opening ceremonies this Thursday at 10AM!

Ben I will be there.

Emily You’re a sweetheart, Benny. Thanks for having me on, guys.

[door shutting]

Ben [excitedly] Any time, Emily!

Sammy She’s gone, “Benny.”

Ben [hostile] Ben.

Sammy Oh! So only Emily can call you Benny.

Ben Sh-she didn’t call me… “Benny”. *scoff/laugh* You’re ridiculous.

Sammy Oh yeah, that’s me. Look, I get it. I mean, she’s a very attractive girl, and you guys hit it off—

Ben [pleased] We did, didn’t we.

Sammy But really, she called you Benn—

Ben Don’t

Sammy *chuckles* That’s the Ben we know and love, folks.

Ben Yeah, yeah.

Sammy Alright! Now after this quick message from our sponsors, we’re gonna be back and we’re gonna be talking with Dr. Raúl from the King Falls Chiropractic Center and getting daily tips to keep our backs on the straight and narrow. And I’m sure Ben will be just as flirtatious with the good doctor.

Ben *tsk* [lightly] Is he lovely too?

[outtro music]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] “Who Moved My Cheese?” - per Wikipedia: “Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life”, published on September 8, 1998, is a motivational business fable. The text describes change in one's work and life, and four typical reactions to those changes by two mice and two "Littlepeople", during their hunt for cheese.”

[2] Peter Venkman - Dr. Peter Venkman is one of the original Ghostbusters. He has doctorates in both psychology and parapsychology. Played by Bill Murray

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

KFAM - Episode 1 - May 1, 2015

View in Google Docs

[podcast intro music]

[Soft jazz music]

Chet Sebastian [Mellow] So then Charlie Parker pulled his gun, but, hey, that’s jazz, right? This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz corner. Thanks for listening, and stay cool, cats.

[Rock intro music]

Sammy Good evening, I’m Sammy Stevens and you’re listening to King Falls AM. That’s 660 on the radio dial. This is my first show. Hell, its my first day in King Falls! so let’s talk about it, shall we?

[CENSOR BEEP]

Sammy And I think we just set our first record on the show, ladies and gents. Getting bleeped in the first thirty seconds.

Ben Language. We’re family friendly.

Sammy It’s 2 AM, Ben. *small laugh* I mean, I think we can probably give hell a pass.

[BEEP]

Sammy Okay, new rule: if it’s part of Carlin Seven[1] or derivatives of: bleep away. Other than that, let’s cool the censor jets, Ben. Uh, for all you listening out there, I’d love to introduce you to our producer, Benjamin Arnold.

Ben That’s okay.

Sammy We’re live, Benny.

Ben It’s Ben. And I-I just- I don’t wanna, ruin the, journalistic integrity o—

Sammy Of this show? We’re an AM late night talk show.

Ben As I was saying: I don’t want to ruin the journalistic integrity of myself, Sammy.

Sammy Oh, it’s besmirched. It's solidly besmirched. So, why don't you just, uh, make use of that mic, and pull it up, and have at it?

Ben *sighs* [bleep]

Sammy *laughs* Alright, you’re here with Sammy and Ben. Not Benjamin, not Benny, but Ben. Uh, he’s my producer, our journalist-with-integrity, and uh, professional censorist.

Ben *laughs* Oh, man.

Sammy As I was saying kids, it’s my first day on the job here, my first day in town, and I’d love to open up the phone lines to you, our lovely King Falls listeners, and talk about this beautiful little place.

Ben [proudly] It is nice, isn’t it?

Sammy h- Nice doesn’t even begin to describe it. I mean, the little shops, the scenery. It's literally a mountain Mayberry.[2]

Ben Oh, you have no idea! We’ve been voted best small town in America six years straight by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy … The town voted the town, Best Small- Town in America?

Ben Oh yeah! There was a ribbon presentation, a parade down Main Street. Six years running.

Sammy I’m not sure that’s the way it works, Ben.

Ben Couldn’t imagine being anywhere else in the world.

Sammy Alright, now, wait a second. You were talking to me right before the show started, and it’s your dream job to be one of the great journalists of all time. “Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.”

Ben That’s the dream! That-that’s the goal.

Sammy But you can’t imagine being anywhere else.

Ben [awkwardly] Well! Let’s be fair. There’s-There’s the King Falls Gazette, there’s- King Falls AM, of course. Even those clowns over at Channel 13. If you knew King Falls, you’d know that everything you ever need to talk about, is right here.

Sammy Huh. Well, you know, maybe you’ve got a point. I mean, worst case scenario, you’re gonna have a great perspective on the ribbon cutting ceremonies.

Ben [excitedly] Actually, I’ve had a great perspective for the past three years! And last year? I got a seat next to Mayor Grisham. *pleased huff* I could see that velvety blue ribbon being cut.

Sammy Alright, alright. Riveting stuff, Ben. But you know what, before we open up the phone lines tonight, to uh, talk to you folks for the first time, I’d like to take one hot minute and just send a special shout out to a new friend of the show, Deputy Troy, uh, Craiger, Kroger?

Ben [disdainfully] Kreighauser.

Sammy That’s the one! Now, Deputy Troy could’ve dropped an elbow on me with the long arm of the law when he pulled me over this evening.

Ben He pulled you over?! *chuckles* Wow. I thought his car was just decoration. What the heck did you do that he pulled you over?

Sammy Yeah, okay. It was the weirdest thing. So, I’m running late, and I can’t miss the first show, right? So I’m gunning it. Over the mountain, through the woods, no time for grandma, and uh, you know, maybe I’m just not used to the winding roads up here, but I get-I get a little lost and my phone zoinks out and I got no GPS, I got no Apple Maps (not that anybody’s using it) and—

Ben Don’t tell me- Sweetzer Forest?

Sammy That is exactly where! How-How did you know that?

Ben Oh, it gets everybody! The listeners know that. Legend has it, there’s an apparition of an old general that changes the directions on the signs so he doesn’t lead his troops into one of the bloodiest massacres in King Falls history.

Sammy Cool story, bro, but, there wasn’t a sign.

Ben That’s a new one! Thinking on his toes. I like it!

Sammy The ghost?

Ben Whoa! They prefer apparition. Like, when you call a dwarf a midget, and it’s not cool?

Sammy Okay. So you’re telling me that instead of just getting lost up in the hills, a ghost—

Ben Apparition.

Sammy *chuckles* An apparition, was screwing with me?

Ben That's one hundred percent what I’m saying. It gets everybody.

Sammy … Right.

Ben You don’t believe me? They don't have apparitions in the Big City, Sammy?

Sammy Not that I’m aware of, no.

Ben *scoffs* Let’s go to the phones. King Falls, our new pal, Sammy, doesn’t believe in the Sweetzer Forest apparition. 424-279-3858.

Sammy Okay now. I’m not saying I—

Ben [cutting him off] Phone lines are already blowing up! Uh, let’s see, I don't know, oh-uh, line six! Deputy Troy.

Sammy Deputy Troooy!

Deputy Troy [laughing] Y'all should’ve seen it. General Abilene got him good.

Sammy General Abilene? He has a name now?

Ben You never read about Abilene’s last stand? What are they teaching you Big City kids? [making a point] Well, why’d you pull him over, Troy?

Sammy Okay, obviously , I was going a little too fast for my own good—

Deputy Troy I sure didn’t see no speedin’, Benny.

Ben [flatly] It’s Ben.

Deputy Troy Sammy looked like a dog chasin’ its tail for for damn near twenty minutes! Guy was just goin’ in circles. Looked like he was lappin’ the field in the King Falls 500!

Ben Sound familiar, Sammy?

Sammy Circles? No. I mean, I took a left here, and a right there. It couldn’t have been more than a minute or two before Deputy Troy threw up the ol’ red and blues.

Deputy Troy Try twenty minutes. If I hadn’t’a intervened, it’s a fact we’d all be listening to ol’ Chet blow that horn for another couple hours. You gotta watch out for the general! He’s sneakier than a honey badger in a bee hive!

Ben See?

Deputy Troy Ah hell, [low siren in bg] I think I just saw one of the William’s boys just ding-dong-ditch ol’ Ms. Baker. [faint tire squeal] I gotta go boys. [quietly in bg] Ah, son of a b[bleep]! That little mother[bleep]!

Sammy Well, on that note boys and girls, [click] we’re gonna pay some bills and keep the lights on in our little cabin we call a radio station. Ben and I will be right back after a message from our sponsors.

[Car horn, tire squeal, sound of car crashing]

Announcer voice Uh-oh! Have you recently been in an automobile accident!? Are you tender over a fender-bender?

High-pitched voice Owwwiee!

Announcer Don’t let the insurance company fool you into just unscuffin’ and buffin’! Let Rosenburg, Rothchild and Dirk get you the settlement that you deserve!

Caveman voice DIRK GET YOU MONEY

Woman [singing jauntily] ♫Iiif you got your car smashed by some jerk, call Rosenburg Rothchild aaand-♫

Caveman DERRRRRK!

[KFAM music]

Sammy Thank you folks out there for listening to AM 660, home of the King Falls AM. So, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours. Give us a call here at the station. Today’s topic: King Falls. What do you love? What should I know as a new resident? Give me your on-air Yelp reviews. 424-279-3858, or tweet us @kingfallsam.

Ben Line 3.

Sammy You’re on King Falls AM.

Line 3 [Low, gravelly] The producer was right.

Sammy Um, I’m sorry?

Line 3 You shouldn’t make light of the spirits.

Sammy [incredulous] The spirits?

Line 3 Down Sweetzer forest, you jest about the spirits, but you’ll come to regret it. That’s a fact, Big City.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Oookay, uh, so. *mildly disturbed chuckle* We’re taking your calls, kids. Tell us what you love about the Falls, your likes, your favorite things to do and see—

Ben Orrr, maybe your favorite run in with General Abilene!

Sammy Uh-huh.

Ben We’ve got Finn on Line 7.

Sammy Finn?

Finn [perpetually excited] Oh, yeah! It’s Finn! Thanks for takin’ my call! How ya doing tonight, Sammy!?

Sammy *chuckles* Well, we’re doing alright, thanks for—

Finn See, I’m an over-the-road driver. I drive the big semi-trucks- loggin’ mostly, ya know?! And I have to tell you guys, I absolutely love it every time I drive through King Falls!

Sammy Well, alright! Now, why do you think—

Finn It’s just a beautiful town, isn’t it!? Scenic, and quiet as a cemetery!

Sammy [softly] Is it that quiet?

Finn Don’t you know it! I usually run through about three- four in the mornin’. The town’s just sittin’ there off Route 72 like one of those Thomas Kinkade[3] paintings. You know the Thomas Kinkade!

Sammy Yeah, of course. He’s the uh—

Finn All the twinkle-twinkle lights, pretty-as-a-picture. You know!

Ben We know!

Sammy Do you ever make your way into town, Finn?

Finn I haven’t ever gotten to stop, yet. Other than Rose’s diner, off the exit? But I can rreeally imagine settlin’ down and doin’ all the towny stuff with the family, ya know!?

Sammy *chuckles* Well, you know what? Next time you’re passing through, you swing on by the station and say hi, Finn.

Finn O-can-do, friends! Lookin’ forward to that! Holy SH[bleep]!!

Sammy [alarmed] Finn? Finn, are you alright?

Finn I’m dandy! But I just saw the biggest light-show-hullabaloo I ever seen! Looks like that Captain EO[4] laser light show at the Disney!

Ben [confused] Captain EO?

Finn Lit up the sky like the American Independence Day fire shows!

Ben [still unsure] Fireworks?

Finn Yeah! You know! It’s still going! The night looks- like the day!

Sammy Ben, can you check outside?

Ben On it.

Finn I-I-I’m gonna let you go! Too much goin’ on to be phonin’ into the show! [door closing in bg] Y-y-you fellas take care!

Sammy You too, Finn. Uh, you know, keep it between the lines, buddy.

Finn You know it!

[click]

Sammy [muttering] Uh, okay, how do you d- work this- uh. [normally] Line 2, you’re on King Falls AM.

Line 2 [lisping, kind of] Hey Shammy!

Sammy Heh-howdy! Give King Falls some love.

Line 2 I jush wanted- I jush wanted to call- I’m jusht a really big fan. A Big fan- I mean big.

Sammy The show just started minutes ago.

Line 2 [awkwardly] Yeah, this show’s- alright too… But I’ve been following your days since you were Shotgun Shammy!

Sammy [slightly nostalgic] Oh wow, Shotgun Sammy. *chuckles* Where are you located?

Line 2 Ohhh here and there. It’s a localized global world now! With the internet and technology. I just wanted to say, *awkward laughter* “Hi.” It’s just so- I love the show.

Sammy Well, thanks for listening. [door closing in bg] And we appreciate it! What was your name again?

Line 2 [shouting] Shotgun Sammyyy!

Ben [eagerly] You gotta see this! That truck driver wasn’t kidding! The whole place is lit up like- Christmas! or- something. Uh- Is anyone else out there seeing this? Look, the phone lines are on fire, man.

Sammy Uh, Line 1, you’re on the air.

Line 1 Hey guys, yeah, I’m- I’m, uh- I’m seein’ it the same as you are.

Sammy Well, now, who are we talking to?

Line 1 Oh, sorry, uh, Tim. Tim Jensen. I’m heading home from work out on Route 72? And I’m-I’m looking at the lights.

Ben That looks like the direction they’re coming from.

Tim  Yeah, there’s no doubt about that. They’re-they’re right on top of the old mill down off- Clower Street. It looks like- you’re looking into like, three different suns.

Sammy Three?

Tim  Yeah, these, uh- rainbow- lights? I-I don’t know what you’d call ‘em. They’re coming from these three triangle-shaped thingies.

Ben UFOs?

Tim  Hey- Hey. I did not say the “U” word. I said Triangle. Shaped… Thingies.

Sammy [glibly] You know, a technical term.

Ben W-w-what’re the triangles doing, Tim?

[eerie sci-fi bg music]

Tim  They’re just hovering! I’d say maybe two or- or three stories up off the ground? [getting slightly nervous] They’ve moved on past the mill now.

Sammy Wh-wh- Can you describe—

[deep, ominous, pulsing whir enters music]

Tim  Wai-wait. Hold on a second, they’re- they’re moving closer to the road I think.

Sammy Alright, you are our eyes, Tim. Tell us what you see.

Tim  [absently worried] The hell is that thing doing?

Sammy Be careful out there, Tim.

Tim  It just turned the other direction, and-and- and crossed the road. Couple hundred yards ahead- I-I’m gonna slow down.

[whirring stops]

Sammy Describe, if you can—

Tim  It just stopped! [music stops] Right above the road!

Ben Stopped? W-what’re-

[whir]

Tim  The lights just changed direction again! It’s definitely heading this way!

Sammy Turn around, Tim.

[slow, building whir]

Tim  Oh hell, th- they’re coming fast! Guys!

Ben Get out of there, Tim!

Sammy Ben, call Deputy Troy. [deep whir growing in volume] Stay safe out there Tim!

Tim  Ah sh[bleep] They’re-they’re right above me! I-I can’t see! [whir is louder than voices] The lights! NO! [loud building buzz/zoom, like a racecar accelerating] NO! NOO! *SCREAMING*

[silence]

[dial tone]

Sammy Tim? Hello, Tim? Can- Tim?

Ben [solemnly] Line’s dead, Sammy.

Sammy *heavy sigh* O-okay, uh folks, we’re just gonna take a quick break here. Uh, we’ll be right back to take more of some of your King Falls favorites.

Ben I-I’ve got Troy here.

[quietly in background: Sammy: Troy, hey are you listening to this? Ben, can you try to dial line one back, please?]

[rock outro music]

[CREDITS] King Falls AM is a production of the Make Believe Picture Company. For credits, as well as more information about King Falls AM, you can find us on Twitter @kingfallsam, on Facebook, and at kingfallsam.com. Thanks for listening to 660 on the radio dial.

References:

[1] Carlin Seven - Seven dirty words to never say on air (sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cks*cker, motherf*cker, and t*ts)

[2] Mayberry - A fictional small town featured in “The Andy Griffin Show”

[3] Thomas Kinkade - “The Painter of Light”, a popular American artist, known for his paintings of pastoral scenes, cottages, and the like, often with lit windows. (There are a lot of puzzles featuring his work)

[4] Captain EO - a 1986 American 3D science fiction film that was shown at Disney theme parks from 1986 through 1996. The movie stars Michael Jackson, was written by George Lucas and directed by Francis Ford Coppola. The film was shown as part of an attraction with in-theater effects.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

KFAM Transcript Guide

Note: My goal in creating these transcripts is to provide readers with as close an experience to listeners as I can. I make a lot of notes on tone and sound descriptions, and manipulate text (without messing with font family or color) in ways that I feel best convey how things are audibly expressed. Therefore, such things are very much subject to my own interpretation.

Things to know:

[these are sound effects, music, background noises]

[these refer to the tone people are speaking in]

*these are sounds people make, like sighs and laughs*

superscripts after words/phrases[1] mean there is an explanation of the reference being made at the end of the transcript

[1] unless it says “sic” instead of a number, which means the words are transcribed as said, even if they’re not said correctly

Any other punctuation or alteration in text is meant to be indication of how things are said.

Notes on frequent callers; most of these are noted upon the character’s first appearance, but left out after that. Anyone not on this list, I either haven’t gotten to or has no real distinctive tone overall. But if you ask I’ll do my best to describe them:

Emily Potter Generally, Emily sounds like sunshine

Troy Krieghauser Troy has a southern accent and sounds like friendship.

Herschel Baumgartner Herschel is a grumpy, old man. He sounds like a swear.

Cecil Sheffield [“Sessil” not “Seesil”] Cecil is also very old. His voice is often slightly shaky and confused, and slurred from drink.

Pete Myers Pete speaks very quickly and is permanently stuck between “It wasn’t me!” and “So there!”

Ron Begley Ron has a deep, gruff voice. He’s definitely a bear. (not the animal kind)

Archie Simmons Archie sounds like a Dramatic Gay™ Gossip with a southern accent and is always accompanied by the yapping of tiny dogs.

Doyle Bevins Doyle is a stoner. He sounds like a stoner.

Cynthia Higgenbaum Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent “I want to speak to your manager” voice.

Riley Bevins I legit thought Riley was an automated message at first.

Mayor Steven Grisham Grisham is a smarmy politician. He sounds like a smarmy politician.

Finn Finn has never not been excited in his entire life. His volume suggests he’s always using speakerphone, but I’m not willing to bet on that. (Good for him if he is, though)

Dr. Jeffrey Rosenblum Dr. Rosenblum’s voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times, especially when saying words/phrases meant to express any kind of feeling, like “Wowzers.”

Ernie Salcedo Ernie, or whatever he’s calling himself this time, has a heavy New York(-ish) accent. He sounds like the kind of person who says “whosie whatsies”

Howard Ford Beauregard III HFB3 has a “High Class-Better Than You” drawl at all times. Except “High Class” from 200 years ago.

Mary Jensen Mary has a southern accent. She sounds like your best friend’s mom calling you “honey” and asking if you want pie.

Tim Jensen Tim doesn’t have a notable accent/feel to his voice, though he often sounds nervous.

Reverend Xavier Hawthorne Hawthorne leads a for-profit, travelling mega-church. He sounds like it and over enunciates.

Chet Sebastian Chet has a deep, smooth, overly-suggestive voice. Good for jazz, bad for sexual harassment claims.

[CREDITS] King Falls AM is a production of the Make Believe Picture Company. For credits, as well as more information about King Falls AM, you can find us on Twitter @kingfallsam, on Facebook, and at kingfallsam.com. Thanks for listening to 660 on the radio dial.