#khandy

[kharrisdawndancer]

✮- And a name to hear their real feelings for them, if it's not too late for Andaeros.

(( Ooph, the meaning this answer has not changed in the month plus I’ve put off answering this, but the context has. ;_; I’ve had so many different versions of this answer  ))

Khaeris looked over the living room and her hand slid down the door frame. She had always felt welcome here. The box at her feet was a tumble of small items and clothes. There was a now-empty bottle of rum on the coffee table. She had passed out on the couch, and the blanket she’d used had been half-heartedly thrown over the back.

Her heart squeezed tight and she couldn’t breathe. She had lived here. With Andaeros. For the better part of two years. She had always felt welcome with him.

She loved him. He had made her comfortable and happy, warm and safe. He valued her more than anyone she had ever know and he was wonderful to her. Selfishly, she had gathered it up. Taken and taken everything he offered, but she was more selfish than Andaeros and she hadn’t been able to give as much back.

He hated that she held back. It frustrated and hurt him. It hurt him still to see her parcel off her intimacy–different people had different bits; and as much as she knew  she should scoop them all up and deposit them at Andaeros’s feet, she hadn’t.

And it wasn’t changing. She’d hoped it would. But there was a part of her that held back from him. A failing of her own, not his. She loved him, but he was her first, and she was clumsy and confused and selfish about it. She had allowed her heart to keep selfishly taking, and not all from Andaeros.

She picked up her box and held it against her chest, using her elbow to turn down the arcane lights again. Turning out the door, she stepped onto the porch with leaden steps. Keep walking. You don’t belong here anymore. Not after you’ve done this to him.

@andaerosdawnflare

[kharrisdawndancer]

✎ Love Letter - Dish a portion of a love letter your muse would write.

(also asked by @desolatedangel ages ago)

Dear Andaeros,

I miss you. So much. I miss your voice and how it gravels in the morning before you’ve had your coffee. I miss the soft rustle of your hand through your hair. I miss your stubble scratching my chin when you kiss me after a long day. I miss your laughter and the way your  eyes crinkle at the corner. I miss the glow of your runes on my skin.

We’ve been apart longer than this. It’s only been a few days since Highmountain. But I have this same sinking in me. I thought

I’m sitting at your desk. I’ve been here in the apartment for hours now. Your apartment. I’ve  got a box of things by the  door, but I can’t leave. I keep touching your papers. I guess you know that, since I’m writing this. I know it’s not for letters, it’s calligraphy paper. I love how heavy it is. It is soft but strong and I can remember watching you with your brush, sitting right here. I’d be over there in the chair watching you. You’d look up and smile at me, and I would feel this welling warmth when  our eyes would meet.

I wish you were here.

I want you to be here.

… who am I kidding. It would only hurt more for you, if I sent this.

You deserve better.

@andaerosdawnflare

[kharrisdawndancer]

Heavy hearts in Highmountain

Highmountain was beautiful, but the scenic mountains had not soothed Khaeris like they had previously. Her mind was so caught up on itself, even the slightly musty smell of straw from the nearby village stables couldn’t catch her attention; the breeze had tousled her hair, but it didn’t lighten her heart. The sounds of the birds gossiping in the dawn did not pull her in to their song.

It had been a night like so many others, spent laying next to Andaeros in the small tent he kept in the mercenary camp. Small touches, quiet voices, and soft kisses before sleep claimed her lover. But something had nagged at her and kept her from resting. There was a stone made of her unease sitting leaden in her stomach. Even her movements felt heavy as she went about her morning stretches.

He was getting her breakfast. He’d been so happy to see her when she’d arrived yesterday afternoon. He had lit up and his eyes had crinkled with his smile. The runes in his skin had glowed just a tiny bit brighter when they’d embraced. They’d only been apart a few days, but he had missed her, sweeping her up to spin her around before kissing her soundly.

Andaeros loved her so much. So deeply. So perfectly. He was devoted and kind and careful and patient and--

Khaeris shifted and sat up abruptly from her stretches. Her toes curled tight and she rolled her lips. Her eyes bored into the bedroll beneath her, but did not see it. Hands smoothed over her thighs.

She gasped a little, startled out of her listlessness, as the flap opened and bright morning light lanced into the small space. His silhouette was familiar and comforting and her heart eased a little at seeing it.   There was a cup of coffee and another of tea. Her throat tightened and she felt her eyes burn suddenly. But then her heart  dropped again and as he sat down he noticed, too, his own smile faltering as his good instincts caught on to her mood.

What was wrong with her? He was perfect. She accepted her tea, but didn’t meet his eyes. Her hands cupped her tea and dread seemed to be pushing her down, down, down. Andaeros loved her so perfectly. She wasn’t good for him. This wasn’t fair. She couldn’t keep doing this. She wasn’t being fair to him. Even that thought flashing through her consciousness was enough to make her heart palpitate and adrenaline kick in. Her breath came faster.

“Andaeros… we need to talk.”

[andaerosdawnflare]

@kharrisdawndancer

[kharrisdawndancer]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9Bt5gfrJ90)

@andaerosdawnflare

[andaerosdawnflare]

All this talk of cheating. You stop it.

[andaerosdawnflare]

:D ❦❦❦❦❦❦

[andaerosdawnflare]

What if

You didn't usually smoke so much. It was a bad habit you took up when you were nervous. When you were bothered. Watching the inaudible crackle of the cigarette burning with each drag helped you focus. The tobacco sharpened your mind for a while. The drink in your hand was cold, glass sweating from the melted ice, the drink abandoned for heavier thought long ago.

What if.

Those two words were on your mind so much, now. You were a confident man, but your confidence faltered more than you wanted people to know.

What if you aren't there?

You were ready to die in the caverns to protect her. Dragons be damned.

You've never been afraid of magic or those who wielded it. You knew how it worked, you knew how they worked. You knew how to use it against them. You knew how to beat it and beat them. 

But that didn't mean she was safe. You couldn't be there all the time, and even though magic couldn't touch you, it could touch her. The Timewalkers and the dragons were powerful chronomancers. If they decided to rectify the timestream without you present, sword drawn and shield up, she may not be able to stop them. Resilient and resourceful as she was, they were powerful and proficient.

Whoever had removed her from her own timeline was just as dangerous. More so. Their or its machinations were unknown, and their prowess was enough that she was seamlessly removed without ripples enough to be noticed. You worried, even present, you might not be able to protect her. 

What if you aren't enough?

She'd seemed so helpless. She seemed genuinely lost as she entreated the dragon to know more. It pained you to see her so unsure and so lost. 

You couldn't imagine what it must have felt like. To suddenly feel so out of sync that even the ground beneath you feels alien. To know that the safe spaces in your life, the streets you've walked, the people you've met, that they all were both familiar and wholly unknown.

You wanted, so badly,  to help her find her strength.  

You want to make her feel safe. You want make her feel sure, again.  

You want, so badly, to be there for her. You need, so badly, to be there for her.

What if she doesn't want you there?

You wondered if she thought about your relationship. If she questioned it, now. That maybe you weren’t meant to be together. Two clocks ticking at different times. That the relationship was built on a lie that neither of you told or knew the truth about. What if you lose her?

To time. To dragons. To sorcerers. To turmoil. To uncertainty.

Happiness was always hard for you. The word, to you, implied an active struggle. A steady job and a place to live. A night spent with a beautiful man or a beautiful woman. A good glass of whiskey. A good book, read front to back. A hot donut, freshly dusted with sugar. A juicy steak. A hot cup of coffee. A good joke. Hell, even a bad one.

They made you feel good, but they didn’t make you happy. Khaeris made you happy.  She was one thing you took for yourself. One thing you kept clutched tight to your chest. 

Cliche as it was, she made you feel more whole. 

She was warmth that didn’t fade. She was depth in a shallow life.

”Hey, handsome.” 

She stood at the steps to the porch, hands on her hips, waiting with feigned indignance belied by smiling lips.

It was a short moment, but you took it before chuckling. You snuffed out what was left of your cigarette into the stone beside you and turned your head to stretch out your cheeks in a smile, “Hey, gorgeous.”

In its simplest terms, it has the most meaning.

You loved her. You didn’t want to lose her.