Sitting on the sidelines
There was a film project on Kickstarter, the crowdfunding website, that my friend showed me a few months ago that caught my heart. It was a suspense/thriller--a horror film called "Escape the Dark." They launched a campaign video that attracted me and instantly I was enamored by their project. I didn't even know these people and I donated $25 to help fund their feature film to be produced. I loved their story and they seemed to be an incredibly smart couple of guys working together to get this film out there. I was passionate to see this project take off. (The campaign has ended with them meeting their goal with an extra $1,000.)
Then I got wind they were holding auditions in Los Angeles so I emailed them to send in a taped audition with the help of my boyfriend. I poured over this audition. They liked it and called me for a second audition. I was nervous for it but rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed. I was not the look of the character that they wanted (with long hair in a ponytail), but I think they must've liked my performance enough to determine that the look wasn't as important as the performance.
They're a great pair of guys and I took my adjustment during my audition to the best of my ability. The choices I had come prepared to make, I wasn't able to make because suddenly, I was auditioning with another girl who was reading for the other part. The choices I wanted to make (such as standing up to talk more intimately) didn't make sense anymore. But I did the best I could.
A couple of weeks go by and I hadn't heard back, with me biting my nails with anxiety. This was a project I loved and wanted so strongly to be part of. I was ready to make a lot of sacrifices to make this film with this team. I emailed the casting director about their decisions and she replied that they had made their list for a third round of auditions and I was not on it. I will not be part of the Escape the Dark cast. Shit.
A few days have gone by since I found out. And I've been in a weird limbo. I talked to my friend and fellow actor, Junesoo Ham, about how I felt. Something like this happens all the time to an actor: You can work your butt off for something you love and not see a result--you don't even get to go to the starting line. This rejection has made me see that,
As I begin to audition for more roles like this, my love for the story and the character will mean nothing unless another person has decided I was the right one they wanted to love.
It reminds me that I cannot just be an actor, waiting for someone to determine my future. I can continue honing my craft and making stronger decisions in immersing myself into a character, but to not be their Chosen One does not mean I am something less. Besides being an actress, I am a filmmaker. I can bring my own stories to life or help others' bring theirs to life. Maybe it means I'll be more right for something else down the line; a project I'll love even more which will have a larger outcome. That's all I can hope for, anyway, that everything is meant to be. For now, I'll just take new headshots in the hopes that a different photo of me will entice someone to take a chance on me.
Thanks, Alexis Dickey, for the headshot photography!
Thanks, Shirley Do, for the headshot make up and hair help!
Thanks, Junesoo Ham, for the acting advice!
Thanks, Chris Stark, for being my reader in my auditions!
Thanks, always, Sandy To, the best mother I had no choice in choosing!